Friday, November 13, 2009
We, my son and I, were supposed to go out of town for a fun weekend with friends from Southern California. I had made arrangements to stay, called all of the people I wanted to see, and started to pack my bags. I haven't seen these folks in a while. Then . . . it happened. The poor little one got sick and I had to scrap it all. I'm sure it's all for the best, but it's just a little disappointing. Now, what is supposed to happen to make it all worth it?
So, I did go to the support group I spoke of on Monday night. It was a good time of sharing and getting to know some new people. I will say, for the first time, I was dumbfounded when one of the other support group attendees asked me what it was like being "normal" or "normal sized". I thought, "what? Who are you talking to?" When I realized she thought *I* was the normal sized person, I almost laughed. I still don't see it. Strange, isn't it? I still think they are just making 12's and 10's bigger these days. Why can't I see it? Why can't I feel it? Will I ever?
So, I've made a new goal for myself. I purchased the book, "Joining the Thin Club" months ago. I think it's time that I whip that "bad boy" out and get to reading. I could use some eye opening right about now. So, I NOW plan to tackle the book this weekend and see what kinds of improvements are going to hit me upside the head.
Has anyone out there read the book? Is it helpful? Wonderful? Worth the read? Do you have any other suggestions for helping with the mental case of weight loss and the after effects of it?
As far as the rest of life, things are still seeming to do well. I am looking forward to a good weekend full of healing (on the part of the child) and relaxing (this one is for me). I hope the weekend proves to be wonderful for all!
Monday, November 9, 2009
The good news is . . . things are going well! I must admit, I realize that I need the "cyber"community and my blog friends. I find that I get out of touch with reality and what I need to focus on when I'm not keeping up. Soooo . . . I am going to make a date (since real dating doesn't seem to be my friend) with myself at least twice a week to blog and catch up on your ever interesting lives! I haven't picked the days as of yet, but I will do that soon! And I need to keep it up.
I will be attending a WLS Support group through my surgeons office tonight. I'm really excited to be going, but very sad that they aren't offered more regularly. They haven't had a meeting since August. Not much support, huh? Let's hope it is fabulous and I have tons of great things to go by and even share.
I am LOVING my classes, my student teaching and the direction my life is going in right now. Though I had to live through some tough times and a LOT of stress, I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Let's just pray that the jobs are lining up for me next year! I cannot wait to start!
My weight is still a bit of a battle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining one iota! But, I'd still be interested in getting to that "goal" I had originally set of 160 lbs. It may not be in the cards for me, but it's certainly a challenge that I look forward to achieving, one day!
I still feel healthier than ever - and that's a wonderful thing! I still think I have a jaded sense of who I am and what I look like. I may need to seek some counseling to get that set straight, but I'm certainly making it a mission to get it all figured out.
I have gotten some great emails and comments that let me know you're still looking in on me. Thank you so much! I must say, it means a lot to me. Now, it's my turn to do the same! Don't be surprised if you start hearing from me!
Happy Monday to you all!!!!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Boy! Has life given me a run for my money or what? Shall I catch you up? Let's do bullets . . .
- Things at work didn't get better. I had let my boss know that if things didn't change or even appear to change that I would no longer be able to work in those conditions.
- I have been unemployed as of Friday, August 24, 2009. I've never been unemployed in my entire adult life and it's scary as all get out. I can say that it was self-induced, but that doesn't mean it's easy.
- I have officially gone back to school to finish what I started so long ago. I will be a California Credentialed Teacher by May 2010! And hopefully have a job/contract by next Fall! I feel good about it.
- My son started 1st grade and he's so advanced that he's bored. We're working on that and I've told his teacher that she has my full support - especially since I will be needing the experience.
- My weight is still about the same. I go from 168 - 171 on a fairly regular basis. I want to kick something into gear because I want to see and feel 160 - maybe even 150's? If it doesn't happen, I'm ok with that. But I want to at least try.
- I've made it my goal to find a gym to join here in Fresno (hopefully this weekend). I haven't been to a gym since I have moved (June, 2009) and I think it's really taking it's toll on me, not only physically but emotionally as well. Who knew that so much stress would be associated with resigning your job?
I will say that I'm excited about having time to find out about myself and about what I want. I am determined to take care of myself. I will be better able to focus on myself and really focus on what I want out of life and step away from the things that I don't want.
I have missed the blogland community and now I don't have to worry about being blocked from work!!! So, watch out friends . . . the comments will be pouring in! I'm so excited to get back into what exciting things are happening in your lives!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The good news . . . it looks like the scale is starting to come back down! YIPEE!! 169.5 today. I'll take it! Of course, I went camping this past weekend and worked my butt off! It was tough, but it was fun.
This past weekend was actually the wedding of a very close, dear, friend (and former roommate) of mine. It was a location wedding so there were several people there for the entire weekend. Some stayed in hotels, some in cabins, but Jacob and I stayed in a tent. Fun stuff - tons of work! I'd do it again in a heart beat. Yes, I would make some changes, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.
The things I would've done differently bring me to the next order of business/concern. I have been experiencing something post WLS that concerns me. I used to be able to drink socially and not be too much trouble. Sure, I would be loud, giggly, and having a blast, but it never appeared to be a problem. Now, since WLS, I have noticed (on two separate occasions) that I will actually "Black-out" from alcohol consumption. I haven't figured out if it's what is being consumed, if it's an excessive amount, or if it just happens to be a few things. I have never, in my life (prior to WLS) drank so much that I would "black out". It is not a good or fun feeling. I never have believed in a true "black out" period, but now, I can't NOT believe in it. I seriously have NO recollection of what happened for a good chunk of time that night.
I feel like I jeopardized something. I'm not sure exactly what, but it's causing me grief. I feel that it's possible there are people who are disappointed in me. Most of all, I'm disappointed in myself. I know better. I was told that alcohol isn't the same for us WLSers anymore. I do drink the occasional beer here and there, but those occasions don't seem to affect me. It's the mixing that sends me over the edge and now I don't know what to do with it. Am I the only WLSer that has experienced this?
I hate that I have to be so real, and that this reality is negative right now. I have so many things happening in my life that I don't need to add this stress. But I did. And now I have to figure out if I need to fix it, should try to fix it, or just chalk it up to experience and move on? I feel haunted by this bad behavior and I am struggling now with how make it right or if it's even possible.
So, there's been some good news, and some bad news happening in my world. And there's oh so much more to share. I'll be back with a better update. I promise.
I hope all is well in blogland. I'll catch up with you all soon!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Today is a check in/weigh in day. I JUST realized that I didn't even post anything last week. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I was up another 2 lbs last week. Yep, 173. But I am happy to report, that it's back down. Not as much as I'd like, but we're moving in the right direction. I was happy to see the 171 again. Now, on to the 165!!!!
So, next update . . . things at work have been really stressful. I don't even know how to talk about it. Most of the stress and frustration stems from one person. I have talked to my supervisor (the President of the company) several times. We've had meetings about the situation. Yet, still no fix. I don't know how to solve the problem without my leaving.
I must say, I have looked back into finishing the teacher credential program. I only have one year left. The only problem is that this would create a bit of financial hardship for a little while. Right now, I'm just needing to get some direction. I need to know what the best plan for me is. The only problem is that I'm the only one that can make that decision. Do you know how much easier life would be if people just made these decisions for us?
I will say, teaching is something I feel passionate about. I've always wanted to teach, I just keep letting things get in the way of this goal/dream. Am I going to let it happen again? Or am I going to push through and pursue the dream? I'll keep you posted!
Any teachers out there feel like "weighing in" on their thoughts?
I must admit, I feel like the stress at work is hindering my success in other areas of my life. So, if I move on, will I be better focused to take care of myself, my body, and my mind? It's definitely something I'd be interested in finding out.
I haven't kept up at all with blogs and I miss them so. I can't wait to take out some time for me and do my catching up. I hope all is well and I look forward to reading more about all my friends!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
It's no surprise (to the people around me) that my place of work has taken a turn from what it has been. That turn has not been on a positive note. We, fortunately, aren't being hit with the threat of laying people off (just yet), but the attitudes and the people are just getting to be unbearable. What in the world do you do when you have a stable job, but you just can't stand to be there? This is what I'm dealing with right now. It's tough.
The problem with these issues is that it's making the rest of my world crumble. I'm stressed out, unhappy, and struggling to be here every day. These feelings/emotions are taking a toll on me physically, mentally and nutritionally. I'm going back to old habits because that's what I know (or think I know) will ease the pain. Not only does it NOT ease the stress/pain/etc., it's making things worse because now I feel like another part of my life is out of control.
I need to gain control. I need to situate things in my world. I need to get back to a state of happiness. I've always said (in my career) that when it's not fun anymore, it's time to look for something else. I think it's time to look for something else.
I have put in an application at a local children's hospital, but I don't really have medical experience. I do know someone that is close to the position and that may help, but you just never know.
I've actually been, seriously, considering biting the bullet and going back to school. I am one year away from a teaching credential and teaching is something that I feel I have a great passion for and I, personally, think I'd be pretty good at it. I've already completed one semester of part time student teaching and it was a great experience. The problem with that option is that it will be very tough to make it financially with school, not having a stable income, and supporting my family. But, I can't stop thinking about that being the best option.
No matter what goes on, I need to regain control. I need to know that I can make it through this. I need to feel like I will succeed and I will not let the stress and emotions get the best of me. I need focus!
I will say, the early morning walks with my sister are a great help. It gets me moving early in the morning and actually gets me better equipped for the day. I need to kick it up a bit, but I have do admit, it's a great place to start!
Aren't you glad it's pre-Friday???
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I was back up to that ugly 171 this morning. Sure, I know that I didn't drink much water this weekend and I did eat more than I should've, but that doesn't make it easier to see the number. I knew it was going to be up. I knew where I went wrong. But it still isn't easy to see it. So, the "honeymoon" phase is over for me. I think that's official. Now, it's dedication and effort. That's all that will get me where I want to be and keep me there!
So the adventure continues . . .
Monday, July 20, 2009
I've been excruciatingly busy lately and that makes me sad. I don't get to write/blog as much as I'd like to. I don't get to catch up on my friend's blogs, like I'd like to. And I'm starting to feel a bit of a disconnect between what I need to keep me happy, healthy, and sane. The problem is that there seems to be so much I need to vent/talk about that it's a little bit overwhelming. I keep thinking I need to jot things down, but if it's going to be a three page story/entry, I just give up on it. So, I will do a little of the filling in now and maybe allow myself 20 minutes a day to write a little bit so I at least have a reference. I've got a lot to catch you up on, if you're interested. The good thing is, when it's all better, I'll be able to look back and say, "See, it does all work out for a reason"! :-) I can't wait to be able to do that!
So, I will first talk about my exercise. I keep complaining that I'm not doing enough. I do this to my family as well as to/at the blog. So, my sister suggested that she will get up with me every morning at 4:45am (when she doesn't work until 10am) so that we can go for an early morning walk every day. She is fabulous! And, we did it EVERY day last week and this morning too. I still don't think it's all I need (in terms of exercise) but it's certainly a starting point and I don't have to feel completely sedentary. So, yeah! We're making progress!!!
Since I've successfully completed one week of early morning walking, I think this week I'm going to add an evening walk/workout with the Wii session so that I will feel like I'm progressing. That's got do do something positive for me! Think I can do it? OF COURSE I CAN!!!
I will say, as I'm sure you all know, encouragement and support make all of the difference! Thanks Michele! What's the next challenge??? :-)
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Now, on to the bad news . . . I have a bald spot. OH YES, I do. On my head. I don't really know what to do about it. I try to cover it up with the way I style my hair, but sometimes, I feel self-conscious about it. I can't figure out if this is something that just recently happened or if I just didn't notice it until I got this shorter hair cut. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I thought everything was supposed to go back to normal after 9 - 12 months. But, I guess notsomuch.
I guess it goes back to having to take some bad with the good. Even with the bald spots, the loose skin, and the flabby arms/legs, I'm still grateful for what WLS has given me.
Now, if I could just get back to exercising! I miss it dearly! I need a plan!!!! I need to figure out how to put a couple of extra hours into my day. Suggestions?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
So, a lot has been happening in my world. Things at work have been incredibly stressful. I believe we may be on the mend, but I have been searching for employment. I don't know where that will lead, but I'm keeping my options open.
The commute is nearly killing me. It's definitely killing my exercise routine! I have not actually completed a full work out since I've moved to Fresno. If it's not killing my mood (which it is), it's definitely killing my health and new healthy goals. This is not acceptable. I need to find a balance. I'm actually considering changing my work hours to allow me to get in a good work out before I get in the car for my morning commute. I could still get to work at a decent time, but I wouldn't have to wake up at 4 to get it in. Fortunately, I work where the schedules can be flexible from time to time. Unfortunately, I won't get home until later. But, with the extra exercise and that breeding extra energy, it may just work out for the best. We'll have to see. I've got to start it first!!! :-)
The scale. Oh yes, the lovely scale. The last report I posted had taken me up quite a bit. Fortunately, the scale has come down a bit and I expect it to be back to normal and UNDER 170 by next Tuesday. I think it's a good thing to have a weigh in day and to know that it's what I'm accountable to. It's not good to not post about it, but at least I know that I'll have to spill it eventually and that makes me take extra measures to bring it all back down.
I feel like I'm rambling a bit, but I needed to get this out. Thanks for keeping me accountable!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
So, how do we overcome this desire? Need? Is there a remedy?
How do we get away from the "drama" of life and let the stress just pass us by? Are there people that aren't affected by stress? If so, what's the key? I want it all to go away. It's so frustrating!
Any magicians out there? Swing your wand this way, please!
Sorry for the venting. I just needed some kind of a distraction - other than cheez-its and doritos!!!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
My last post (last week) was positive! I was certain that I was heading in the right direction. I was pretty confident that I had things figured out. But, this week, I got on the scale and was nearly slapped in the face! WHOA! Yep. My scale was up 4 lbs from last week. REALLY? Who gains 4 lbs in a week? Apparently, I do.
I really didn't want to share. I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted it to go away. But, let's be honest, I started this blog for accountability. I want to record the Highs & Lows. It's about recording the success and the set-backs that make this journey a TRUE journey. It's not easy people! Most of us know this. But instead of hiding and running away from the reality, I have to figure out what has gotten me here! So, this is what I intend to do!
I definitely think that the lack of the gym membership and the constant, intentional exercise has played a big part in this. So, back to moving! Intentional moving! Building up the metabolism. I have the new Wii Active game/program and I really want to make that work for me. So, I plan to start the 30 day challenge on July 1! Should be an adventure, right?
I also know that I need to watch what I've been eating. The snacks are slowly, but surely creeping in. I've heard it, from so many others, that the snacks just creep back into our lives before we know it. It certainly has found me. So, I will be conscious of what's going on around me and weed out the unhealthy snacks/choices. Who needs them anyway?
I know, I know, it's only a week. But if I don't take action now and realize what I'm doing, It's possible that it will get the best of me! And I'm SO not ready to let that happen! I've been in a "funk" and I can't let that "funk" drive me to do things that I know aren't good for me. But I know better.
So . . . this roller coaster journey continues!
Friday, June 19, 2009
So, as I was shaking away, I realized that I've been successful! I didn't even realize how successful (at getting more protein) I was until today. That's when I realized I've used a WHOLE gallon of soy milk at work! That means, I've stuck to this! Time to pat myself on the back! Finally! I'm doing something right! Maybe that is what's helping the scale along? Who knows?
I've got to be honest. I wouldn't be so successful if I didn't enjoy these shakes. This is TRULY the best protein powder I've ever had. I'm trying the strawberry for the very first time today. It's quite tasty!!! SEI Pharmaceuticals ROCKS!!!! Thanks EGGFACE for the tip!!!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I actually was stopped today at my son's Day camp program. A mother from last year recognized Jacob and stopped me. She said, "OH MY! You're kidding. You are Jacob's Mom, right? I didn't even recognize you. I recognized Jacob, but I wouldn't have guessed it was you. How much weight have you lost?" I was a little bit floored. I had no idea why she stopped me. Then, when she was looking shocked, I thought she was going to tell me something bad about my son. But no, she knew that something was different. She was the first person I had to reply with, "I've lost 100 lbs"! Then, it was really real. I had to admit it. I will say, it made me feel good and made me realize that whether I see it or not, there's been a BIG change. She was so proud of me. She told me what a great job and a great thing I had done. Amazed at what had just happened, I walked away with quite a smile!
I went to meet with my surgeon yesterday. He gave me a clean bill of health. All is well and he thinks I'm doing fabulously! He said I look great. In nearly the same breath he said, "have you ever thought about abdominoplasty? I can help you to get a nice, flat, taut, tummy. You could be wearing a bikini." Of course, I told him that there was NOTHING he could do to get me in a bikini - he said, "Oh, I bet I could get you wanting to". Of course, I'm such a modest person that bikini is not in my vocabulary. We'll have to see about that. But, I must admit, he's got me thinking.
Even though I've had some good things happen, It's been a tough day. It's only 8:00pm and I'm ready to go to bed. Let's hope tomorrow is a better day! Will there be a week when every day is a "good" day? I'm waiting - impatiently - for that to happen!
Friday, June 12, 2009
I will take this day while "jumping for joy" that I don't have to be back at work tomorrow!!!! Yeehaw! Not to mention I have an appointment to get my hair cut and colored tonight. I'm super excited about it. My hair will be cute again!
So, I have a little story. I'm gonna ramble and it may get ugly, but I'm going to let it out anyway. I'm a little torn and don't really know why. If you read the blog, you know that I've been struggling to get to where I can say, "I've lost 100 lbs". Honestly, I thought I had given up. There's seriously a part of me that has been sitting back saying, "It's not going to happen, you're just supposed to be bigger." And, I've believed it. So, I kind of resolved (with myself) that my goal should be 170. But there's a part of me that wasn't completely ready to give that up either.
I typically weigh myself on Tuesdays. I'm not normally tempted to weigh any other day. But for some reason, I was yesterday. So, I got on the scale and I saw it. Yes sir, the scale said, "169". Not even a smidge extra (no - .2 or .5 or .75), it was right on (almost a little lower). I stood there in shock. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know if I should be excited or share or anything. So, what did I do? I went on with my day and acted like it didn't happen. Why would I rob myself of a celebration when that's what I have been working so hard to get to? I kept telling myself that I shouldn't have weighed. It was Thursday and I can't really count it until Tuesday. But there's a part of me that afraid that the number will change and I won't be able to claim it on Tuesday. That's why I couldn't count it or be excited about it or even be thrilled that it was below 170 - even once!
Finally, when my family and I sat down for dinner, I asked the question, "Did anyone weigh today?" I live in a house where we all struggle with weight and we're all working toward a goal of getting healthier, so I knew someone would've weighed. I wanted to find out if anyone else had success because I wanted to celebrate something, but for some reason didn't feel like my celebration was worthy. Sure enough, my sister had weighed (and was down a total of 11.5 lbs -YAHOO) and she even noticed that I had reached that "goal" that I had been pushing for. I didn't know what to say. I knew I wanted to be able to appreciate that number I saw. But I still didn't. It was strange.
My mother asked me, "so how does it feel to have lost 100lbs?" I responded with, "The same as it did at 99lbs."
I don't completely know what's going on in my head. I don't even know what to do about it. But I wanted to get it off my chest. I should probably make an appointment with the therapist! I want to feel good about the progress. I want to feel successful. But for some reason - even though I see it - I don't believe it. I guess I never really thought that I would succeed - even though I've sworn to everyone that I could and that I will. I still don't believe it. I think that there's a part of me that is afraid that once I get to "goal" I will not have anything to work so hard for. Even though I know that maintenance will be even HARDER than this past transition.
So, right now, I'm claiming it! I have OFFICIALLY lost 100 lbs!!!!! I am OFFICIALLY 9 lbs away from the original goal set for me at the time of my surgery. I cannot believe it. I don't even know what to do with it, but I am going to accept it! Once I get to the next goal, I get to re-evaluate and decide what the other goals should be. I just need to be able to accept them when I get there.
So, this weekend, I think my cute little haircut and I are going to go shopping. I HATE shopping, I do, I do, but I do need some things and I think I'm going to try to enjoy the experience and the idea of a reward. Besides, I haven't taken pictures in forever, so it's about time I get some updates going. Anyone want to join me? Let's celebrate!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
A – Adventure. I’m all about adventure. I love to create adventure just for adventure’s sake. I want to explore things and visit places just to be adventurous. Oh yes, I even like to try new “hole in the wall” coffee shops or restaurants just to see if there’s something fun in them. I’m an adventurer. Maybe I’m not a “Survivor” adventurer, but an adventurer in my own mind.
B – Bugs. I don’t like bugs. Now, it’s summer time and bugs seem to be all over the place. I don’t like them. I’m not killing them, but I don’t like them either.
C – Commuting. I’ve recently increased my commute time by 20 minutes each way. It now takes me an hour to get to work and an hour to get home. I don’t know that I’m cut out for this. And I wonder why I’m exhausted when I get home?
D – Dread. I’m beginning to dread coming to work. Not because I don’t like the drive or the work, but I’m really getting frustrated with the people. I don’t know why others can be so insistent on making their surroundings uncomfortable. I need a vacation. Oh wait – that should be on V!
E – Exercise. I’m not doing enough. I need to get my self in gear and get back on track. I’ve got plenty of flab to turn into muscle. Of course, I have to wait for clearance from the surgeon, but I should get that on Monday. And I’m already cleared to walk – why am I not doing this??
F – Florida. Yep. The state. I have a friend that lives there. I really want to visit. I’ve never been to Florida. But, he’ll have to invite me because I’m too proud to invite myself.
G – Grateful. I am grateful for so many things such as my son, my family, my friends, and the new journey that I’m venturing through. I want to get as much out of it all as I possibly can.
H – Health. I feel like I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. Sure, I’ve lost some muscle mass and some strength, but I can get that back. I can move, I can breathe, and I can TIE MY SHOES!!! This is a big deal and I am grateful for a healthier me!!!
I – Inspired. Over the past year I’ve been so inspired by so many of the blogs that I read and by “getting to know” people in the WLS community. We’re all on a similar path yet I find that I gain so much from the experience of others. Thanks to all of my cyber friends that are willing to be open, honest, true and willing to share. Whether you know it or not, someone is gaining a lot from what you share!
J – Jogging. That’s a new word in my vocabulary. I haven’t actually done it yet, but I’m very tempted to start. I want to have the energy to jog. I want to be able to enjoy jogging. I’m not there yet, but I do want to be.
K – Knight in Shining Armor. Where in the world is this guy???? I’ve been waiting and waiting and I think he may be lost! I don’t really need to be rescued, but I wouldn’t mind riding off into the sunset!
L – Laughter. I love to laugh. I laugh a lot. I wish I laughed more. I wish everyone laughed more. I love having something that cracks me up so much that every time I think about it, I break out in laughter. Sometimes I laugh at things that don’t actually happen. But I play out how it “could” happen (in my head) and I can’t help but laugh! I’m a mess!
M – Muffin. That’s the nickname that we gave my little one before he was even born. He doesn’t really like it, but I just can’t stray away. Anytime I hear that word, I beam! He’s my little muffin and I’d be LOST without him!
N – Naked. I’m still not comfortable with myself naked. I’m not positive that I ever will be. But I’d like to be content with it. Someday, maybe?
O – Online dating. I don’t know why I’m still doing this. I hate dating. Online dating is even worse. I guess I still have a feeling that maybe there is someone out there. Sadly, I don’t think I’ll keep doing this much longer. Where are the normal folk?
P – Pilot. As in Honda Pilot. It’s what I drive. I love my car/suv. I really do. It’s funny that this morning I realized why I’ve always been drawn to the SUV type of cars. It’s because I’ve always been big. I never wanted to be the “big” girl getting out of a tiny car. Plus, SUVs are much easier to get in/out of – you don’t have to roll out (like you do with a small car). Now, I wonder if I’d like a smaller car. Honestly, I think I would. It would certainly save on fuel! Convertible, here I come! J
Q – Question. I love questions. I love asking them. I love being asked. I’m not afraid of questions. Sometimes, you should be afraid of the answers, but I welcome questions. It’s a form of getting to know people. For the most part, I like getting to know people!
R – Ramble. I tend to be a rambler, especially when I’m journaling or writing. I tend to go on and on, sometimes about nothing. Can you tell?
S – Sunshine. I am a HUGE fan of the sunshine. Not so much the heat, but I love to be out in the sunshine when I get a chance.
T – Travel. I have a huge desire to travel. I don’t always have the money or the time, but if I did, I’d be all over the place!
U – Uber. This is probably my new favorite word. I am “uber” excited when I get to use this word. I’m a sucker for new, unique words. Sometimes when I can’t find any, I’ll just make them up!
V – Vacation. I warned you at “D”! I need a vacation. A fun, exciting, get away and a “forget about everything” vacation. Where would I go?
W – Weight. It’s something that means a lot to me. I will face the idea and the struggles of weight for my entire life. I welcome the challenge.
X – Xylophone. I’ve never owned a Xylophone. I don’t think I ever want to. (Yeah, yeah, call me a cheater. But it’s true!) J
Y – Yoga. This is something I would LOVE to start. Have you seen the bodies of people that do yoga? Knock-outs! I’m a little bit nervous about it because I fear that I’m not flexible and I wouldn’t be able to do half of the poses. But, as they say, practice makes perfect.
Z – Zingers. Those little devilish snack cakes! For some reason, I love those little suckers. I don’t eat them anymore, but I still like them and think I can from time to time. It’s sad that this is what comes to mind when I think of the letter Z.
What a fun exercise this has been. It may take a little time to put together, but you should give it a try!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Yep! I weighed in today and I was at 170.5. I think this is good and bad. There's a huge part of me that thinks feels like this is it. I won't get much lower than this. Can I complain, really? I have NEVER in my adult life been at this weight. I still don't feel like I weigh 170. I don't feel like I look it either. But the lovely, little scale is telling me so. What is 170 supposed to look like? What's it supposed to feel like? Is it all subjective? Does it really matter? How much different will 160 feel from 170? If it feels better (health-wise, energy-wise, image-wise) then I want to be there. So, until I really know what it's like, I guess I'm still trudging on! My first goal is to get that 1.5 lbs off so I can "officially" say I'm 100 lbs lighter!!!
Friday, June 5, 2009
So, I have learned that I CAN go an entire day without eating or drinking ANYTHING! I'm not going to say I liked it, but it can be done! Yesterday the surgery schedule changed about 4 times. Where I was supposed to go in at 9:30am, they ended up taking me in at 3:30 pm. Quite different than what I had expected. But, it was something we had to do. My sister gave me a hard time about the fact that I was joking with my surgeon about how long it was taking. She definitely thought I should've done that AFTER he cut me open! Next time, I guess. I just feel fortunate that I have a great surgeon that I feel comfortable joking with and I know that I'm in good hands!
Anyway, the good news to report . . . NO hernias! No strangulation or kinks either. He did move some things around in there and said that it may take care of the problem. So, now we just wait and see. When the surgeon came out and talked to my family, they said that I was doing beautifully, healing beautifully, and my hard work and dedication was evident. Now, if that doesn't make your day, I don't know what will. Even though he didn't say those things to me, it made me feel very good about this whole process. I AM a success!!!
The bad news . . . I decided to weigh myself yesterday when I got home. I knew it was going to be disappointing and so I really am not taking it into consideration, but I gained 6 pounds from 8am to 8pm and I didn't even get to eat anything ALL DAY!!! Sort of funny. I'll be back to normal before you know it! Hopefully, even lower by Tuesday?? :-)
So now, I get to rest and re cooperate from the surgery. I must say, this was a BREEZE compared to the bypass! I don't get to shower until tonight and I'm restricted from driving a car or making any important decisions for 24 hours. Bummer! I guess someone else gets to decide what we eat for dinner (giggle, giggle).
I just wanted to make sure that I sent an update in case you were curious. All is well and getting better by the moment. I will say, the super-yum-delicious chocolate-peanut butter-banana protein shake is making a world of difference! And I'm not even being sarcastic! This stuff is GREAT!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
It has been so long since I've been able to even get online, let alone try to provide an update. So, here is my first attempt! It may be sketchy, but I'll get back, I promise!
A LOT has happened since my last entry in "blogland". So, let's catch you up!
1) I have officially moved!! Yes, it's true! It's taken nearly a MONTH to get everything done. I can happily say that I turned in the keys to my former residence on Saturday and felt the weight lifted as I drove away. I'm still having to drive to Visalia for my son's school, but tomorrow is my last day of that! YIPEE!!!
2) I skipped over my "surgiversary"! Again, it's true!!! My 1 year anniversary of my surgery was May 22, 2009! The sad thing is, I've been so busy, I didn't even get to celebrate. Not that I had any money to do anything, but I'm sure I'll make up for the celebration soon! I'm always up for suggestions!
So, naturally, with an anniversary, comes an appointment with the surgeon! And, I'm happy to say that it went well. I SO wanted to have lost 100 lbs by the time I saw him. Unfortunately, the day I saw him, I was 3 lbs shy of that goal. He was still excited for me. He told me that if I didn't lose another pound he was considering me a big success. That - of course - made me feel good. Though he did say, "I want you to try to go another 10 - 15 lbs just because I think you'll love it". He's funny. But, I agreed with him. I still have a good 10 - 15 to lose, just to see what It feels like!
The other good news is that all of my blood work came back great. All of the levels were good. Except for the protein. He told me that I need to get more protein because either I'm not getting enough or I'm not absorbing as much as I should be. So, protein supplements are back in my world! Let's see how that pans out.
There was one bad/ify report. I had explained some of the discomfort I've been having in the past month. I explained it as a feeling of "gall bladder" pain, but I had that removed almost 20 years ago (yes, I was young). And I've also been feeling like there's a ball rolling around in my abdomen/stomach. Unfortunately, Dr. Swartz thinks that there's a possibility that I have an intestinal hernia. The only way to diagnose and solve the problem is through a laproscopic/exploratory surgery. He asked if I wanted to go through with it and I said, "What would you do in my case?" He, of course, said, "If I were you, I'd have it done. It's better to be safe and fix it early than to let it go on and create damage." So, I am scheduled for surgery on Thursday.
3) Work has been absolutely horrendous! In fact, I've threatened to walk out (to myself, of course) more than once in the last two weeks. It's tough. I'm not good about not being happy. I'm not good about having to work with people who are miserable and make it their job to make me miserable too. I'm happy to report, though, that today has been a good day. I'm thinking that "This too shall pass" and I will be all the more stronger for it!
4) Weigh ins! I have been weighing in, I just haven't updated you all! So sorry! I, today, am down 99 lbs!!! I know, I know, why won't that one little pound just disappear? I have a feeling that I may have a little set back due to the surgery, but I'm not going to give up yet! I'm in this to win it! Stress can't keep me down. Intestinal distress can't keep me down. Not even moving in with a bunch of crazies will keep me down! I'm in it!!! I'll get there. You watch me!!! :-)
5) I lost track of the 30 for 30 challenge. I was doing great! Then, I became a little overwhelmed with all of the moving and downsizing and work, etc. that I forgot to keep track of the actual activity I was doing. I kept myself moving most of the time, but I didn't do "intentional" exercise everyday. I feel awful that I failed the challenge. All in all, I probably missed about 3 days. But I did learn from the experience. I learned how easy it will be to not exercise if I let things get in the way. I will keep on keeping on and dedicate myself to intentional activity.
6) Blog reading! I'm so sadly behind! But . . .since I'll be laid up this week (thanks to the surgery), I'll get a chance to catch up! I feel so far behind! I want to know what's going on in blogland! All of my cyber friends are so inspiring, touching, and wonderful bloggers, I want to catch up! I'll get back in the groove! I promise!
I'm certain I haven't caught you up on everything, but I feel better getting this stuff off of my chest! I hope all is well! I hope to be commenting on your lives/blogs VERY SOON!!!!!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I'm in over my head. It's true. Work has been extremely tough and has kept me so busy I haven't been able to read blogs/keep up to date/let alone think about something that I get to post for myself. Then, in the evenings, I'm spending the time that I have packing and cleaning and moving and all that jazz.
I will say . . . I have still be able to do at LEAST 30 minutes of intentional activity for the 30 for 30 challenge. I may be cheating a little bit because a few times I've used moving and packing, but it is constant movement and I even wake up sore in the mornings. I certainly hope that life (as I currently know it) will slow down and allow me to enjoy a little more.
I DID make it on the scale this week. I don't know if it's good or bad, but the scale didn't move! It's good - because it didn't go up. It's bad - because it didn't go down either. I will not make my goal of being 100 lighter by my 1 year surgeons appointment (unless I can drop 6 lbs in 4 days), but I'm ok with that.
I found a piece of paper the other day, in my moving frenzy, and I was so blown away by this finding. The paper had a list of goals that I had written out a year ago (before surgery). I was so blown away because back then, I don't think I believed in myself. It really opened my eyes to what I truly was feeling last year (and so many times before).
Here are some things on the list:
- Be under 200 lbs
- Be able to shop in a "non" large sized store
- Be able to exercise for more than 20 minutes without feeling like I was going to die
- Be able to purchase undergarments from Victoria's Secret
The fun thing about the items on the list? I've done them all! And I'm still improving!!!!! I have been focusing on being all the way to goal, or on being done with this journey. But the reality is . . . I will NEVER be done. I will always be focused on this goal of being healthy and I will always be striving to be better and keep it off.
I may never get to what I originally thought of as a "number goal" but I have achieved so much already that it doesn't matter. I am a success and I can do all of the things that I thought were too hard (as of last year). I am grateful for the tool and the gift that I have . I am excited to be closing this first year of trials, experiments, tests, and milestones. I'm really looking forward to living as the newer, healthier version of me!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
See, typically, I'll go to the gym about 3 - 4 days a week and I'll work out for 45 minutes to an hour with some serious cardio and then light weight training. Well, I don't go everyday, so I was thinking that if I got a little exercise in every day, that would be great and a great challenge to see if any improvements could be made. Well, the problem is that I have now found that the 30 minute videos or a 30 minute walk are a great way to get the 30 minutes in for the challenge without having to spend the 2 hours it would take me to get to the gym, work out, and get back. The problem is, I've started substituting the videos for the gym because it's so easy. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. But the videos don't give me the work out I need or want. They get me by in terms of one goal. But this doesn't get me to where I want to be in terms of the "Big Picture"!
This is no one's fault but my own. And, I didn't realize it until last night when I did go to the gym because I had an appointment with Micah (personal trainer) and he worked me to the bone! I'm shocked I made it through the session. This all made me realize, that I need to do the 30 minutes in addition to my regularly scheduled work out days! Sometimes it just takes the sky falling and knocking me out to make me realize things that I should already know!
Don't get me wrong here. I'm still following through with the challenge and I'm feeling accomplished every time I get to log my exercise for the day and see that I've done 8 days in a row (soon to be more) without fail. But I need to realize that this challenge is exactly that. A challenge! On top of what you already know and do. So, this is how I will treat my big, bad 30 for 30 challenge. No more cop-outs. No more excuses to not make it to the gym because, "I can just do a video". No more short cuts! I'm in it to win it!!!! Plus, Laurie is kicking my butt because she's still jamming at the gym, at work and STILL completing the challenge on top of it all! What an inspiration!!!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Well, it's true! I've been going through a great deal of unraveling. Now, I'm taking this bull by the horns and going to tackle it - the best I can!
First things first . . . Weigh in day. I jumped on the scale this morning, not really knowing what to expect, but I certainly wasn't expecting what I got. I was up again! Oh Yes! That ugly little scale said I was at 174! That's a whole 1.5 pounds more than last week (which was up). So, there is probably a great deal of truth in the idea that stress is a key contributor to obesity! I will not take that obesity back! I will not! But I will do what I can to conquer the stress demon in my world!
Next on the agenda . . . the 30 for 30 challenge! YES SIR! I'm still in it to win it! I have successfully completed AT LEAST 30 minutes of dedicated activity for 7 days in a row! Thank goodness for the ease of the workout videos. Between the Hip Hop Abs, the Tae Bo, and Kathy Smith's exercise videos, I've been quite successful. I've also included some mini-golf and I even had my sister get her booty moving with me!!! So, we're still on it and I'm still going forward.
So, last week (the same day I agreed to do the 30 for 30 challenge) things got tough for me. I'm under a great deal of stress at work. I've got a mess of co-workers that have turned into jerks because they are unhappy with their jobs and now it's being rolled down to me. It makes for a very difficult environment. So, while I was contemplating what to do with this situation, I was told (by my landlord) that I either kick out my friends/roommates or I will be asked to leave. Well, I certainly can't afford to live in the house on my own, so, I have now given my 30 days notice.
As if the work stress wasn't enough, then we add on the weight gain, then we add on financial troubles, and now moving? I think I'm in for a bit of a rough month! I need to figure out how to NOT let this get the best of me. I also need to figure out how to control my stress eating, emotional need to eat, and how to get back to the basics of what I KNOW to do!!!!!
I'm not going to lie, I'm feeling a little defeated right now. But, at the same time, I feel like I can take this. I need to get control and I know that this will provide me with a great deal of confidence, once the challenges subside.
Unfortunately, since I've been under so much stress and pressure at work, I have not been able to catch up with the blogs that I know and love and I can't wait to get back to them because - whether you know it or not - the blogs you all write are so inspiring and uplifting and so real! I cannot wait to see what's happening in blog land and find out that everyone else is doing swimmingly!
Friday, May 1, 2009
So, Liza had asked a question about "what's C&P". Well, several months ago, when I had just started to explore the blog world and really get into this WONDERFUL blogging community, I had stumbled upon JustJil's Blog - which I LOVE! Anyway, she had shared a story about a co-worker and the co-worker said something incredibly questionable. Jil's post made me want to own up to the idea of being a C&P girl and really embrace it - even though it was meant to discount those who choose surgery. I am with Jil - it's tough, it's a difficult process, it's SO much more difficult than others think. Here's a link to the blog http://justjil.wordpress.com/2008/11/21/i-am-only-a-paper-girl-living-in-a-paper-world/- you should read it, if you get a chance. Jil is AMAZING! Just like so many of my other blog friends! So, Liza, in just a few short days, you'll be a C & P girl too!!!! We're definitely going to have to arrange a party!!!!! I would LOVE to actually meet you all!
Now, on to business! I've successfully completed 3 days of incorporating at least 30 minutes of exercise into my day! It's been a little tough, due to recent stress and emotion, but it feels good to be sticking to it in spite of the drama! I only made it to the gym once (day 1), but Wednesday I did a little Hip Hop abs (which was a riot), and last night I pulled out the old Tae Bo video! I had actually missed that! Now, I don't typically dedicate time to working out on the weekends but I will be doing that over this 30 day period. So, I'm certain some trips to the park, the roller rink, and the golf course are in order! :-) I'm going to complete this challenge if it kills me (which it won't because it's good for me! Thanks Laurie, for the inspiration! You're doing GREAT too!!!!
I'm looking forward to a good weekend. There is a lot that needs to be accomplished and I'm going to try to keep it all in perspective. My life is going to take on some serious changes that I'm not so sure that I'm ready for, but it will be good in the long run - so I hope. I'm sure I'll be venting about it soon enough! Until then, I hope all is well and I look forward to catching up with everyone soon (work has been crazy which really cuts into my blog reading)!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
So, the challenge began (for me) yesterday. It's a good thing that I met with Micah last night. We got this 30 day challenge thing started off with a bang! He worked me like no other. He even made the comment, "Heather, I don't think you've ever sweat this much with me." And he was right! IT WAS TOUGH, but it felt good. It felt good to be pushed and know that I wasn't giving up - even if I wanted to tell him that I couldn't do any more!
So, now, that I've devoted myself to 30 minutes every day, I have do decide what we're in for every day. I'm going to have to carefully plan it out. Tonight, it's either going to be a gym night or we're going to venture into the "Hip Hop Abs" territory. I haven't done that in so long, I'm almost giddy about the thought of "bustin a move" and working on my fitness at the same time.
Thanks for the challenge Laurie (and the support)! It's fun to have something to share and report! Anyone else want to join us? :-)
Now, I'll have to think of more rewards for myself when I succeed!!!! Maybe a trip to TEXAS (I've never been and always wanted to go) for some yummy, soft serve protein ice cream with some C & P peeps? hmmmmm? Maybe?!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Back to business! Today was weigh in day! woo hoo! Well, I was up! Yes Sir! I was up a whole pound. Can you imagine?? Yeah, I was a little disappointed, but not at all surprised. In fact, I almost skipped my Wii session this morning because I knew it might be ugly. Don't get me wrong, it's only a pound. That can come off by next week anyway. But I was disappointed because I know EXACTLY what I did wrong: haven't been to the gym in a week, been under tons of stress at work, allowed myself to eat out of frustration/boredom, and ate way too much sugar! So, no question about it - the scale was exactly where it should've been!
On a better note, I'm back on track! Yesterday was a better day (than the weekend) and today has been even better. I'm scheduled for a session with Micah the personal trainer tonight, so there's no doubt I'll be kicked into shape (or at least a better attitude) by about 7:30 tonight!
I have decided that I am going to add more protein/shakes to my life. I've heard a lot of talk about how people stall in their weight loss or slow down dramatically and then kick up the protein and BAM, things start falling off. Well, I'm going to test that theory! I'm going to start tonight with a yummy chocolate/banana/PB2 shake after the work out! I'll keep you posted on my progress!
I have successfully ordered the book "Joining the Thin Club" and now, I just have to wait for it to arrive. Ok bloggy friends, have you read it? Do you like it so far??
I'm super excited about getting the book and reading it. I'm starting to enjoy reading again. The only frustration I have now is the lack of time. Can't people pay me to sit around and read instead of be at work all day long?? :-)
It's been a busy last week, busy weekend, and even busier week ahead. I need to take more time to write/blog and really get my feelings out there. Watch out! Things could get ugly! :-)
I hope you are all doing remarkably well. I look forward to catching up on blogs and chiming in on your successes!!!!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I've been neglecting the blog somewhat consciously for a few days. I had a lot going on last week and I didn't really know how to sort it all out. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I look so different than what I'm used to. I'm also having to come to terms with that I still struggle with body image and body image issues. I am sure that I'm not the only one facing these issues, but they do force me to question what is going on in my head and how I really need to deal with these. Guess I'll be arranging for a therapy session soon!
On a more positive note, I'm feeling good about my exercise regime. I'm starting to feel like there's muscle - under the soft, squishy exterior, of course. But, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling muscles in my arms, legs, and quite possibly in my abs! It's a good feeling! And now, I just want more!!! Unfortunately, I'll have to skip the gym again tonight because I'm at home dealing with a poor, sick, little boy, but I'll get some sort of exercise in - even it's wrestling with the little man to get medicine down his throat! :-)
I'm trying to make this a good day! At least it started on the right foot!! Thank you Wii Fit! :-)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Isn't it strange how as we get older birthdays seem so much less significant? Is that because we no longer want to admit that we are getting older or are we just sick of celebrating them? Whatever it is, it's just not as fun as it used to be. But, that doesn't mean that I'm not going to have a great day!
So, in honor of my B-day, I decided to give myself a few things. 1) I didn't weigh today because I didn't want to be disappointed (just in case). I don't know that I would've been, but I'd rather not take the chance. 2) I'm sacrificing the gym tonight and rescheduling my appointment with Micah. Who wants to get beat up in the gym on their birthday? So, I over did it yesterday instead! Yeah me! 3) I'm giving myself a great attitude today, in spite of recent events (to be explained another time). I am entitled to a great day!
The plan for today? I'm taking off of work early today! Yes sir! And going to a movie (The Fast and the Furious - eye candy anyone?). A movie in the middle of the day? How cool is that? And then I'm having a free birthday burger at Red Robin with my son and some friends. Nothing too fancy, nothing over the top, just some good old fashioned fun.
I hope everyone is in for a fabulous day!
Thursday, April 9, 2009
So, Tuesday, I was scheduled to meet with Micah. I went to the gym - but before the gym I decided to have a little snack of strawberries & whipped cream. This ended up being a bad idea, but I didn't find that out until later. I was at the gym doing my cardio (for 30 min. before I met with Micah) and I was trucking along just fine. When it was 6pm, I went downstairs to wait. While waiting, all of a sudden, that sick/dumping feeling came on. All I could think about was how to get home. How was I supposed to work out? How was I supposed to lift weights? Well, 10 minutes goes by and still no Micah. All I know is that I have to get out of there and get out fast! So, I went to the front desk and told them that I was going to have to reschedule. They were trying to convince me that Micah was there, but I didn't care, I needed to run home and curl up into a fetal position until the feeling passed. EEEWWWW. At least I got a good 30 minute workout in before the feeling hit.
So, that is twice now that too much fruit has caused some problems. What does that mean? Lay off the fruit, Heather!!!!! Good advice. I think I'm going to follow it. Of course, I can have a little, but not much. I'll keep tabs on that, just so I don't get stuck like that again.
The other good news is that I felt better yesterday, naturally, and so I went back for a lovely little gym session. Much to my surprise, Micah was there and he was more than willing to fit me in. So, we WORKED and WORKED HARD last night! It felt great and now I can't wait to keep it up. It feels good. I have more energy and I can't wait to start seeing and feeling results!
On another note, I was reading Janine's (http://journeytoaminime.blogspot.com) this morning and she had extended a challenge. She has been following some video blogs (aka - vlogs) and one of them had issued a challenge to create four statements and the statements were to begin as:
So, Janine, I am accepting your challenge and I am writing in response to your blog. I think this is a very good exercise and a great reminder of what we have, can, and will achieve! Thank you for your suggestion and for sharing your thoughts!
Here's how my statements go:
I can achieve the goals I have set for myself - regardless of how much time they take!
I will remain positive about how far I've come and how much my life has changed for the better!
I want to accept and appreciate myself for who I am and where I'm going.
I won't allow myself to believe that I am not worth all of the things I'm working toward!
Thank you for the challenge. It feels good to participate in exercises such as this because it almost forces us to look at things in a different light. I'd be interested to see what all my other blogger friends would say. Consider yourself challenged!!!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The good news is . . . I was exactly the same! Still under 175, even under 174. I'm at 173 - still! I think that I was nervous because I had lost 3 lbs in one week and that (in my head) just couldn't have stayed off. But it did! So, I am grateful for this. I don't think I will make it to my initial goal of having lost 100lbs by my birthday (one week from today), but I think 96 lbs is pretty darn good!!! And no one can take that achievement away from me. :-)
I made it back to the gym last night and it felt great! Sure, I'm a little bit exhausted today, but I'm back! I get to meet up with Micah and see what kind of "butt kicking" he's going to give me. Fortunately, I'm looking forward to it. I like the challenge. I like the idea that results will follow (eventually). I don't always like the pain while I'm in it, but I do like the after effects. It's as they say . . . "Beauty is pain".
I have noticed, also, that since vacation, my appetite has been so much different as well as the amount of food that I can eat. It's almost as if the cruise was some sort of a "pouch test". I never felt over full on the trip. I never even cared if I ate or not. In fact, one night, we (my cousins and I) skipped dinner all together. I think of this transition as a good thing because I was really getting concerned with the amount that I was eating. But now, I feel like I'm a little bit more in control and I like it.
I know that this is quite the rambling post. I just have a lot of things rolling around in my head and I wanted to get them out. Thanks for keeping up with them!
I hope all is well in your world. I look forward to more positive postings - both reading and writing!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Still no word on the camera. Still devastated/disappointed about it. There were some really cute pictures on there. I'm still praying that it turns up. I don't even care as much about the camera as much as I care about the photos/memory card/memories. Enough about that! My Mom and I did purchase some of the professional photos on the cruise. Let's hope I can get them scanned in so I can share a little of the fun with everyone.
I do have to admit, being all cruise "hung over" I have skipped the gym the entire week! Hmmm, do you think that may have had something to do with my dwindling energy? Nah! Ok, maybe. But, I'll be back on Monday! Woo hoo!!!!
I do have a better attitude. This whole "roller coaster journey" is a tough experience, but it is so great to know that others face and deal with the same things. It was so great to hear from all of you and get the encouragement that I so desperately needed. Apparently, we all have our layers of protection for one reason or another and when that protection is gone, I think it's a little bit scary. I have a new outlook and I have a more positive attitude and I'm ready to accept myself and the changes I am going through. What a crazy journey!
So, it's been a tough week, but a good week. I'm looking forward to my weeks getting better and better!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Well, this past weekend forced me to realize that I am now getting more attention than I'm used to and I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't have as much of the "protective" layer anymore and so I can't use it as my excuse to run and hide or convince people that they shouldn't be interested in me. Now, I have to face it. But how? How can we not be the "chubby" girl, when that's all we know? How can we believe that what the other person is seeing isn't necessarily what we see (or think we see)?
This past weekend I was approached by a few gentlemen (at various times). They were, clearly, trying to flirt but I diverted them to "the cute girls at the end of the bar". And yes, I did use those exact words. It's not that I don't believe that I'm cute or worth being flirted with, I just don't believe that they would want to be flirting with me. So, I sent them on.
Then, one persistent (and quite cute) fellow kept trying. And because he was NOT giving up, I allowed myself to flirt back. That, in turn, brought on vulnerability because he was "cute" and he liked me. This is something that I'm completely not used to. The problem was, that I wanted more interaction/flirting/attention. Yet, I knew that this little flirting session wasn't going to go anywhere because 1) we were on a cruise ship 2) he was not from the USA 3) I don't know that I believed what he was saying about me. But maybe that was because I didn't believe it myself? I'm not gonna lie, it was sure fun getting the attention. And, it made me want to spend all sorts of time with him so that he would keep telling me things and I might even have started to believe it. Of course, that didn't happen - I barely saw him after that evening, but it was still fun.
This brought me to a few questions and struggles in my current (not as chubby) world. How do I prevent myself from being vulnerable and possibly "settle" just because I may be getting extra attention? I'm still the same person as I was 96 pounds ago, why do I let my guard down so much more quickly than I did when I did have the protective layer? How do I know when someone is being genuine about wanting to "get to know me"? How do I know that these guys really are interested? How can I stop feeling so insecure about meeting people and dating relationships? Just because I have been unsuccessful in the past, doesn't mean that there's no success for my relationships of the future. Right?
I know that this is a big rambling session. I know that I need to find the answers to these questions for myself. I just needed an outlet and/or a sounding board so that I can really be open and aware of the struggles and insecurities I face. Maybe just getting it off my chest will open new ideas and avenues so that I can answer these questions?
Talk about laying it all out there! Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to throw a pitty party or anything, I just need to sort out the true thoughts in my head so I can get the negativity out of it and bring in some positive thoughts and directions. I felt it necessary and I actually feel better just having vented a bit. Now, I guess I have some questions to answer! My therapist is going to love this one! :-)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
It's true, it's true! I'm back from vacation! Unfortunately, now I REALLY need a vacation. I'm exhausted! That's not exactly how I had planned for things to work, but what can you do? Right?
So, last Thursday 26 of my family members and I took a cruise to Ensenada, Mexico. It was a great time! I did learn a LOT from this weekend. I'm not sure if I can/should blog about it all, but it was definitely a learning experience (from various perspectives).
Today also happens to be the day that I do my weekly weigh in. Sure enough, I LOST WEIGHT! What? I know! It's true, it's true, there is a way to lose weight on a cruise. Unfortunately, it's probably not the healthiest way to do it, but it happened. I probably drank more than I ate (not a good thing). Sometimes, that's what family and having fun will do to you. This is just one of the things I had learned (there is no need to consume so much alcohol! It makes me crazy).
Another thing that I learned about myself while I was away was how much I depend on my WLS cyber friends & blog postings. I honestly almost felt lost not being in contact with what was happening. I kept wondering what you all were doing and how I was going to share about my experiences. I even wondered, if I were more connected, would I have gotten so carried away?
Anyway, I did end up having a fabulous time. I didn't get nearly enough sleep and haven't been able to sleep well since I've been back. I'm hoping that (now that I'm back to work & the routine) I'll be able to catch up and get some good sleep tonight. I certainly need it, before I go pulling my hair out.
I will say, it's strange, when I do fall asleep, I have crazy dreams about the ship that I was on, people that were on it and how many ways I lost my camera. Yep! I lost my camera on the first night! I'm devastated and I really think it's taking a toll on me (even emotionally). Doesn't that sound crazy? I so wanted to have new photos to post and be able to share about my experiences and have things to back them up, but I recklessly lost the camera and it's really getting to me. I don't even really know why it's affecting me so much, but it is. I just keep praying that it will be found and returned to me. I know that the camera is replaceable, but the photos on it are not.
I do have so much to say, share, ponder and really get a grip on - but I have so much to do and catch up on that I just can't concentrate on it right now. Maybe it'll be a multiple-post day? Besides, I have a ton of reading/catching up to do to find out how everyone else has been while I've been out.
I hope all is well and I can't wait to hear about all the stories I've missed since I have been gone.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I had to do a ton of shopping this weekend (which I HATE) in order to prepare for our Cruise (we leave tomorrow after work) and it was horrible! Of course, I had to try to find a bathing suit and shorts because I didn't have any. Well, everything I tried on was tight, didn't fit right, revealed too much, all of that good stuff that's associated with my fear and loathing of shopping! So, with that experience in the back of my mind, there was NO WAY that I expected the scale to move. But it did - and I was EXCITED! Sure, there was a mad rush of disbelief, but that passed while in the shower and trying to convince myself that the scale doesn't lie.
So, maybe there was some truth in my theory about the carbs? I went from eating 60 % of my daily totals in carbohydrate to 40%ish on a daily basis. Could that have done it? I'm guessing it had a hand in this! The lower carb intake coupled with the drinking of more water and Micah kicking my butt . . . now I think we're getting somewhere! Finally!
Now, I'm scared to say that I'm really nervous about the cruise. It's a MUCH NEEDED vacation, but people go on these things to eat 24 hours a day! I cannot do this. Nor do I want to do this. I'm certain that this will be a good test of my will. I think I'm ready for it. I'm just nervous. This too shall pass. Maybe I'll be one of the crazy people that LOSES weight on a cruise? Wouldn't that be great?
So, I'm in for a very busy week, but excited about where it's going!
Friday, March 20, 2009
So, a few weeks ago Eggface (www.theworldaccordingtoeggface.com), who posts wonderful ideas and recipes (like protein ice cream that even non-ops like) and all sorts of fun for the WLS world, posted a recipe for "mini protein donuts". I was so excited about the idea of having "healthy" donuts that I ordered the pan online. Well, I first attempted to make these donuts about 2 weeks ago and they turned out horribly! REALLY! And I thought, "Why in the world would someone think these are good"? And I decided, maybe it was just my tastes (everything has changed since surgery).
Last night, I decided I wasn't ready to give up on the donuts just yet. Besides, I had just bought the pan! I can't let it go so soon. I made a few minor changes to the recipe and BAM! They were GREAT! Seriously! I ate two (frozen) for breakfast and I was so glad I did. Finally, I get to feel successful in the kitchen again.
The night before, I had made some "mini" apple crisp (made with Splenda brown sugar) and they turned out fabulous also! So, I may be back in the kitchen! This has made my week. Now, I'm excited to explore opportunities and see what other recipes I can make. Kim, your "cuisine" is next on my list! :-)
So, I must say, a day that started off with donuts can't be all that bad, right? I'm excited about the weekend and looking forward to serious productivity and pampering!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
So, all that ranting was basically to say, I worked my butt off last night. And even though I wanted to quit, Micah wouldn't let me. Yes, yes, I am grateful that I finished and I am grateful for how I'm going to feel later, but last night's workout was hard!
I think that one of the reasons that this workout was so hard was because I realized how weak I really am. Sure, I've always played the "I'm tough" part in my life, but when exercising made me purely exhausted and I seriously wasn't able to do one more "dip" (and we had only done 20). I was sad that I'm not the "strong" person I thought I was.
I know it sounds like I'm whining. I guess I am. But at the same time, this whole episode last night gave me great motivation. Now I want to work harder to show that I can have muscle. I can be stronger. I can do this! I will prove to myself that I can! That's how I felt on the way home from the gym - which was great! THEN, last night's episode of "The Biggest Loser" drove it home even more. Those contestants (most still over 200 lbs) ran a half marathon! Sure, a bunch of them thought they were going to die, but they did it and they felt amazing.
I think sometimes we need to be pushed to realize that we can accomplish things out of our immediate grasp. I didn't think I could do a lot of that last night, but my little trainer wasn't going to let me quit. We have to work at it to get there. And that is what I will do!
Besides, there may be some tightening of some necessary places in this for me!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I get to meet up with Micah tonight. We missed our session last week because I was sick/lazy. But I think I'm ready for him. In fact, I visited the gym last night and pushed myself just to make sure I could! And my little muffin (son) was so glad we made it!
I did well with cutting the carbs yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I didn't do perfect, but we're taking baby steps - right? I consumed a mere (sarcasm) 40% of my intake from carbs! That's almost a 20% reduction! Woo hoo! I am still SHOCKED to find that I am eating nearly 1200 calories a day. Sure, I don't feel hunger, but is that really necessary? These are the things that will be modified in my next "investigation" of the dietary habits!
So, this week is off to a good start. I'm excited about making changes. I'm really excited about seeing how the changes change everything.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Last week was a rough week. Not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, and even dietarily (don't know if that's a real word or not, but I don't mind). So, this week, we're looking for some changes.
Last week, I decided to take the week off of exercise because I wasn't feeling well and I was afraid that if I didn't rest that I would get more sick. Well, I think that was me telling myself to take a break because I wanted to be lazy. Of course, in retrospect, I think taking the week off was a horrible idea. I didn't get any worse, but I'm sure I could've pushed through and maybe even got better more quickly if I had "sweated" it all out? I don't know. But I need to be more aware of my "self-sabotage" and when it's trying to creep in. The really sad part is that I robbed my son of his social/activity hour and he really missed it. I will think twice before I allow us both the sacrifice for a little "rest" or laziness!
I also decided to follow in the foot-steps of a few of my cyber friends and track my daily intake. I picked www.fitday.com to be the current log of my calories/intake. This site will provide me with a pie chart of percentages of types of food. This is where the lovely little site brought me a little slap in the face. I have been consuming 60-65% of my calorie intake in carbs!!!!! This is not acceptable! Especially since I KNOW that I wasn't working them off last week. So, I'm glad that I kept track of this because now I know that I've been lying to myself (or at least not being completely honest) and this could be the reason that I'm not making the progress I want to. So, this week, I get to focus on getting those ugly, evil, yucky carbs out of my diet and hopefully see if that makes any changes.
I feel good about this week. I feel good about making progress and I feel good about making changes that will allow me to be healthier. I have the power to do this. I have the desire to be healthy. I just need to remember that the carbs and lack of exercise were major contributors to the reason I was where I was. I also have to remember how desperate I am and have been to get out of that place. The "new" Heather has to have a "new" plan!
Here's to a great week of success and realizations!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
In other news . . . The scale was the same again today. Sure, I can definitely chalk this one up to not feeling well. I skipped the gym last night and I'm skipping the gym (and my session w/ Micah) tonight as well. If it's true that rest and liquids can heal the sick, then that is what I will do! I do feel that resting last night helped the illness, but I don't think it helped the scale! No worries, I'll still push through. It's bound to change at some point, right?
In a nutshell, I'm a little "out of it" lately, probably because of whatever ailment I'm suffering with. I have been reading blogs, but I don't have any clever, quick witted comments to contribute and that makes me a little sad so I end up not saying anything. I know that I should, but I haven't. I hope you all understand, I'll get back on the commenting band-wagon before you know it. Don't stop writing though, I'll miss it too much!
So, I currently am finding that I have a lot of friends (YES, even cyber friends) that are having a lot of struggles in various areas of their lives right now. I feel really sad because I don't know what to say or what to do or how to take it all away. I really, really wish I did. I fear that saying something when I really don't know what they are going through would end up making it look like or feel like I have no idea what I'm talking about. It's true, I probably don't know what I'm talking about, but I do like to think that a good friend would be able to offer at least a little sunshine in a day full of clouds.
I actually was able to meet with a really good friend of mine this past weekend. We were the best of friends. The only reason that even had to change was because I moved away several years ago and it was hard to connect from so far away. But, we got together on Saturday and Sunday and were catching up like nothing had changed. Anyway, not quite seven years ago my friend and her family were in a horribly, devastating car accident. Everyone in the accident was injured. She broke her collarbone and ankle. Her husband was crushed/shattered from the waist down and is still struggling with the injuries. But the person that got the most of it was her 10 week old son. It's a long story, but in short (for the sake of the reader) all but 10% of his tiny little brain was damaged and he will not ever be what we thought he was supposed to be. He is not expected to walk/talk/react/function as a normal person - ever. Of course, I believe most of us know and feel that things happen for a reason and I think there is no exception in this story. We may not know the true reason just yet, but I'm sure we'll figure it out in time.
The reason I share this story is to share what she had let me in on this past weekend. She told me that she would never forget that time that we were together because I was the ONLY person that treated her the same way I always did (and still seem to be that person). If she did something funny, I would laugh. If she did something embarrassing, I would remind her of it when necessary. If she did something silly, I would tell her about it (in my oh-so-charming sarcasm). Of course, I told her that I only did this because I didn't know how to act any different than I ever had. It was a tough time for all of us - especially her - and if I could be the only normalcy in her life for that moment, then that was my mission. But I didn't do that because I knew she needed it. I did it because I truly didn't know how else to react. Honestly, all of this time, I have felt that I never did enough. I didn't offer enough, I didn't laugh enough, I didn't give all that I could. But somehow, it was more than she could've ever asked for. She knew that there was NOTHING that any of us could do to take it all away, and all she wanted was to feel normal. She didn't want everyone to have pity on her. She didn't want people to look at her with "puppy dog" eyes because there was nothing they could do and they felt sorry for her. She just wanted to feel normal.
I never knew that this was something was appreciated or valued until this past weekend. Honestly, it gave me a whole new perspective on how I will view and deal with the struggles that my friends face when I know that there's nothing I can do but be there when they need me. I will do everything in my power to help. But I will also not treat you any different than I would have before the struggles appeared. Whether it be problems getting pregnant, problems with the child you've already conceived, or problems with the special needs child that has changed your life. I want to be the best friend that I can be. So, please, feel free to come to me. I will listen, without judgement. I will hug you, in hopes of bringing comfort. I will cry with you, so you don't have to cry alone. I will laugh with you, so that you know there is joy at the end of the trial. I would do this so you can trust that it will all work out as God intended and in his time.
You'll have to forgive me for the long, rambling post. I tend to get emotional when I'm not feeling well. This just had to come out. Please know that I do keep you all in my prayers (that goes for you Kim, Anita, & Lauren). Whether you/they read this message or not, I felt that they/you need to know that you're in my thoughts, my heart and in my prayers.
When I complain about the scales not moving, I need to be reminded of the fact that others have a LOT more to complain about! This is not how I expected this post to go. But the therapy of this post (for me) is priceless!
I'm praying for a week full of blessings!