Do things ever really work out as we plan them to?

I'm beginning to think that things work out how they work out regardless of our plan. This may not be a bad thing, but for the planners, it's not a good thing either.

We, my son and I, were supposed to go out of town for a fun weekend with friends from Southern California. I had made arrangements to stay, called all of the people I wanted to see, and started to pack my bags. I haven't seen these folks in a while. Then . . . it happened. The poor little one got sick and I had to scrap it all. I'm sure it's all for the best, but it's just a little disappointing. Now, what is supposed to happen to make it all worth it?

So, I did go to the support group I spoke of on Monday night. It was a good time of sharing and getting to know some new people. I will say, for the first time, I was dumbfounded when one of the other support group attendees asked me what it was like being "normal" or "normal sized". I thought, "what? Who are you talking to?" When I realized she thought *I* was the normal sized person, I almost laughed. I still don't see it. Strange, isn't it? I still think they are just making 12's and 10's bigger these days. Why can't I see it? Why can't I feel it? Will I ever?

So, I've made a new goal for myself. I purchased the book, "Joining the Thin Club" months ago. I think it's time that I whip that "bad boy" out and get to reading. I could use some eye opening right about now. So, I NOW plan to tackle the book this weekend and see what kinds of improvements are going to hit me upside the head.

Has anyone out there read the book? Is it helpful? Wonderful? Worth the read? Do you have any other suggestions for helping with the mental case of weight loss and the after effects of it?

As far as the rest of life, things are still seeming to do well. I am looking forward to a good weekend full of healing (on the part of the child) and relaxing (this one is for me). I hope the weekend proves to be wonderful for all!

Happy Friday!!

Well goodness!

Well hello there cyber world! It's been a long time! Trust me, the delay has never been my intention. It's strange how I seem to be busier in unemployment than I was when working full time! Who knew?

The good news is . . . things are going well! I must admit, I realize that I need the "cyber"community and my blog friends. I find that I get out of touch with reality and what I need to focus on when I'm not keeping up. Soooo . . . I am going to make a date (since real dating doesn't seem to be my friend) with myself at least twice a week to blog and catch up on your ever interesting lives! I haven't picked the days as of yet, but I will do that soon! And I need to keep it up.

I will be attending a WLS Support group through my surgeons office tonight. I'm really excited to be going, but very sad that they aren't offered more regularly. They haven't had a meeting since August. Not much support, huh? Let's hope it is fabulous and I have tons of great things to go by and even share.

I am LOVING my classes, my student teaching and the direction my life is going in right now. Though I had to live through some tough times and a LOT of stress, I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Let's just pray that the jobs are lining up for me next year! I cannot wait to start!

My weight is still a bit of a battle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining one iota! But, I'd still be interested in getting to that "goal" I had originally set of 160 lbs. It may not be in the cards for me, but it's certainly a challenge that I look forward to achieving, one day!

I still feel healthier than ever - and that's a wonderful thing! I still think I have a jaded sense of who I am and what I look like. I may need to seek some counseling to get that set straight, but I'm certainly making it a mission to get it all figured out.

I have gotten some great emails and comments that let me know you're still looking in on me. Thank you so much! I must say, it means a lot to me. Now, it's my turn to do the same! Don't be surprised if you start hearing from me!

Happy Monday to you all!!!!

And I thought not blogging for a week was a big deal?

HELLO!!! It's me! I love that the last item I posted was commenting on the fact that I haven't blogged in over a week. I guess I was trying to shoot for a month this time? Well . . . I didn't make it!!! Whew!!!!

Boy! Has life given me a run for my money or what? Shall I catch you up? Let's do bullets . . .

• Things at work didn't get better. I had let my boss know that if things didn't change or even appear to change that I would no longer be able to work in those conditions.
• I have been unemployed as of Friday, August 24, 2009. I've never been unemployed in my entire adult life and it's scary as all get out. I can say that it was self-induced, but that doesn't mean it's easy.
• I have officially gone back to school to finish what I started so long ago. I will be a California Credentialed Teacher by May 2010! And hopefully have a job/contract by next Fall! I feel good about it.
• My son started 1st grade and he's so advanced that he's bored. We're working on that and I've told his teacher that she has my full support - especially since I will be needing the experience.
• My weight is still about the same. I go from 168 - 171 on a fairly regular basis. I want to kick something into gear because I want to see and feel 160 - maybe even 150's? If it doesn't happen, I'm ok with that. But I want to at least try.
• I've made it my goal to find a gym to join here in Fresno (hopefully this weekend). I haven't been to a gym since I have moved (June, 2009) and I think it's really taking it's toll on me, not only physically but emotionally as well. Who knew that so much stress would be associated with resigning your job?

So, in a nutshell, I've had some serious changes take place over the last few weeks. I was overwhelmed, then got a bit depressed, but now, I see the good that will be coming of it all. I guess you never know what life has in store for you until you take the necessary leaps and jump out of the window!

I will say that I'm excited about having time to find out about myself and about what I want. I am determined to take care of myself. I will be better able to focus on myself and really focus on what I want out of life and step away from the things that I don't want.

I have missed the blogland community and now I don't have to worry about being blocked from work!!! So, watch out friends . . . the comments will be pouring in! I'm so excited to get back into what exciting things are happening in your lives!

It's been a whole week!

I cannot believe that I haven't updated this for a week. Not to mention that I haven't read any blogs either! This has got to change!!!

The good news . . . it looks like the scale is starting to come back down! YIPEE!! 169.5 today. I'll take it! Of course, I went camping this past weekend and worked my butt off! It was tough, but it was fun.

This past weekend was actually the wedding of a very close, dear, friend (and former roommate) of mine. It was a location wedding so there were several people there for the entire weekend. Some stayed in hotels, some in cabins, but Jacob and I stayed in a tent. Fun stuff - tons of work! I'd do it again in a heart beat. Yes, I would make some changes, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

The things I would've done differently bring me to the next order of business/concern. I have been experiencing something post WLS that concerns me. I used to be able to drink socially and not be too much trouble. Sure, I would be loud, giggly, and having a blast, but it never appeared to be a problem. Now, since WLS, I have noticed (on two separate occasions) that I will actually "Black-out" from alcohol consumption. I haven't figured out if it's what is being consumed, if it's an excessive amount, or if it just happens to be a few things. I have never, in my life (prior to WLS) drank so much that I would "black out". It is not a good or fun feeling. I never have believed in a true "black out" period, but now, I can't NOT believe in it. I seriously have NO recollection of what happened for a good chunk of time that night.

I feel like I jeopardized something. I'm not sure exactly what, but it's causing me grief. I feel that it's possible there are people who are disappointed in me. Most of all, I'm disappointed in myself. I know better. I was told that alcohol isn't the same for us WLSers anymore. I do drink the occasional beer here and there, but those occasions don't seem to affect me. It's the mixing that sends me over the edge and now I don't know what to do with it. Am I the only WLSer that has experienced this?

I hate that I have to be so real, and that this reality is negative right now. I have so many things happening in my life that I don't need to add this stress. But I did. And now I have to figure out if I need to fix it, should try to fix it, or just chalk it up to experience and move on? I feel haunted by this bad behavior and I am struggling now with how make it right or if it's even possible.

So, there's been some good news, and some bad news happening in my world. And there's oh so much more to share. I'll be back with a better update. I promise.

I hope all is well in blogland. I'll catch up with you all soon!

Time keeps on slipping . . .

Oh yes! It has happened again. The time has flown by and I haven't even watched it go by! I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Today is a check in/weigh in day. I JUST realized that I didn't even post anything last week. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I was up another 2 lbs last week. Yep, 173. But I am happy to report, that it's back down. Not as much as I'd like, but we're moving in the right direction. I was happy to see the 171 again. Now, on to the 165!!!!

So, next update . . . things at work have been really stressful. I don't even know how to talk about it. Most of the stress and frustration stems from one person. I have talked to my supervisor (the President of the company) several times. We've had meetings about the situation. Yet, still no fix. I don't know how to solve the problem without my leaving.

I must say, I have looked back into finishing the teacher credential program. I only have one year left. The only problem is that this would create a bit of financial hardship for a little while. Right now, I'm just needing to get some direction. I need to know what the best plan for me is. The only problem is that I'm the only one that can make that decision. Do you know how much easier life would be if people just made these decisions for us?

I will say, teaching is something I feel passionate about. I've always wanted to teach, I just keep letting things get in the way of this goal/dream. Am I going to let it happen again? Or am I going to push through and pursue the dream? I'll keep you posted!

Any teachers out there feel like "weighing in" on their thoughts?

I must admit, I feel like the stress at work is hindering my success in other areas of my life. So, if I move on, will I be better focused to take care of myself, my body, and my mind? It's definitely something I'd be interested in finding out.

I haven't kept up at all with blogs and I miss them so. I can't wait to take out some time for me and do my catching up. I hope all is well and I look forward to reading more about all my friends!

Happy Tuesday!!!!

Where do I go to get motivation?

Everyday I attempt to start the day out fresh and new with energy and motivation. Sadly, somewhere between 9am and 12:00pm that energy and motivation are gone! Now, where in the world am I supposed to go to get that back?

It's no surprise (to the people around me) that my place of work has taken a turn from what it has been. That turn has not been on a positive note. We, fortunately, aren't being hit with the threat of laying people off (just yet), but the attitudes and the people are just getting to be unbearable. What in the world do you do when you have a stable job, but you just can't stand to be there? This is what I'm dealing with right now. It's tough.

The problem with these issues is that it's making the rest of my world crumble. I'm stressed out, unhappy, and struggling to be here every day. These feelings/emotions are taking a toll on me physically, mentally and nutritionally. I'm going back to old habits because that's what I know (or think I know) will ease the pain. Not only does it NOT ease the stress/pain/etc., it's making things worse because now I feel like another part of my life is out of control.

I need to gain control. I need to situate things in my world. I need to get back to a state of happiness. I've always said (in my career) that when it's not fun anymore, it's time to look for something else. I think it's time to look for something else.

I have put in an application at a local children's hospital, but I don't really have medical experience. I do know someone that is close to the position and that may help, but you just never know.

I've actually been, seriously, considering biting the bullet and going back to school. I am one year away from a teaching credential and teaching is something that I feel I have a great passion for and I, personally, think I'd be pretty good at it. I've already completed one semester of part time student teaching and it was a great experience. The problem with that option is that it will be very tough to make it financially with school, not having a stable income, and supporting my family. But, I can't stop thinking about that being the best option.

No matter what goes on, I need to regain control. I need to know that I can make it through this. I need to feel like I will succeed and I will not let the stress and emotions get the best of me. I need focus!

I will say, the early morning walks with my sister are a great help. It gets me moving early in the morning and actually gets me better equipped for the day. I need to kick it up a bit, but I have do admit, it's a great place to start!

Aren't you glad it's pre-Friday???

Why Tuesday?

That's a good question. Why is it that I chose Tuesday to do weekly weigh ins? At first, I thought Tuesday would be a great day because it's in the middle(ish) of the week, and it's not Monday. But now, I'm questioning that decision. I guess it doesn't really matter what day you actually weigh in, but it's a matter of accountability. So, I'm forcing myself to be accountable once again, even though I really don't want to today.

I was back up to that ugly 171 this morning. Sure, I know that I didn't drink much water this weekend and I did eat more than I should've, but that doesn't make it easier to see the number. I knew it was going to be up. I knew where I went wrong. But it still isn't easy to see it. So, the "honeymoon" phase is over for me. I think that's official. Now, it's dedication and effort. That's all that will get me where I want to be and keep me there!

So the adventure continues . . .