Thursday, June 25, 2009

Who invented stress anyway?

Why is it that stress and eating go so well together? I'm finding that I'm under a great deal of stress right now and all I want to do is eat. It's not a hunger issue. It's not a fixation issue. I feel the need to consume things because I think it's going to take the stress away or make it better. Most of the things I want are crunchy! I guess because it makes me feel like I'm doing something like gnashing it away. But, as we all know, it doesn't. Then it just leaves us feeling like we've let ourselves down because most of the crunchy things I lean toward, aren't good for me.

So, how do we overcome this desire? Need? Is there a remedy?

How do we get away from the "drama" of life and let the stress just pass us by? Are there people that aren't affected by stress? If so, what's the key? I want it all to go away. It's so frustrating!

Any magicians out there? Swing your wand this way, please!

Sorry for the venting. I just needed some kind of a distraction - other than cheez-its and doritos!!!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

It's all about accountability, right?

In an effort to be honest to myself, about myself, and for myself, I am posting today - even though I really don't want to.

My last post (last week) was positive! I was certain that I was heading in the right direction. I was pretty confident that I had things figured out. But, this week, I got on the scale and was nearly slapped in the face! WHOA! Yep. My scale was up 4 lbs from last week. REALLY? Who gains 4 lbs in a week? Apparently, I do.

I really didn't want to share. I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted it to go away. But, let's be honest, I started this blog for accountability. I want to record the Highs & Lows. It's about recording the success and the set-backs that make this journey a TRUE journey. It's not easy people! Most of us know this. But instead of hiding and running away from the reality, I have to figure out what has gotten me here! So, this is what I intend to do!

I definitely think that the lack of the gym membership and the constant, intentional exercise has played a big part in this. So, back to moving! Intentional moving! Building up the metabolism. I have the new Wii Active game/program and I really want to make that work for me. So, I plan to start the 30 day challenge on July 1! Should be an adventure, right?

I also know that I need to watch what I've been eating. The snacks are slowly, but surely creeping in. I've heard it, from so many others, that the snacks just creep back into our lives before we know it. It certainly has found me. So, I will be conscious of what's going on around me and weed out the unhealthy snacks/choices. Who needs them anyway?

I know, I know, it's only a week. But if I don't take action now and realize what I'm doing, It's possible that it will get the best of me! And I'm SO not ready to let that happen! I've been in a "funk" and I can't let that "funk" drive me to do things that I know aren't good for me. But I know better.

So . . . this roller coaster journey continues!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Shake, Shake, Shake!

Oh yes! I can happily admit that I have become a shaker! Since my 1-year appointment with my surgeon, I've been trying to figure out how to get more protein in my life. All of my labs were good, except for my protein. That meant that I either wasn't absorbing enough, or just not getting enough. So, about two weeks ago, I decided to push myself to actually drink a yummy protein shake every day. With my protein power and a cup of soy milk, I can have a daily shake for a good 30 - 45 grams of protein. In addition to my consumption, that's a pretty good number. I'm probably, now, taking in about 70 - 80 grams a day. This is a good thing.

So, as I was shaking away, I realized that I've been successful! I didn't even realize how successful (at getting more protein) I was until today. That's when I realized I've used a WHOLE gallon of soy milk at work! That means, I've stuck to this! Time to pat myself on the back! Finally! I'm doing something right! Maybe that is what's helping the scale along? Who knows?

I've got to be honest. I wouldn't be so successful if I didn't enjoy these shakes. This is TRULY the best protein powder I've ever had. I'm trying the strawberry for the very first time today. It's quite tasty!!! SEI Pharmaceuticals ROCKS!!!! Thanks EGGFACE for the tip!!!

Happy Friday!!!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Imagine that . . . it stayed put!

On weigh in day, the scale was still down! Yes, it's a reality and it's official! I've lost 100lbs. Boy, has it been work!!!! But, I get to claim it! Whether I feel it or not. Whether I look it or not. Whether I think I deserve it or not. I'm there! I have lost the weight and I get to claim it!!!! Woo hoo!

I actually was stopped today at my son's Day camp program. A mother from last year recognized Jacob and stopped me. She said, "OH MY! You're kidding. You are Jacob's Mom, right? I didn't even recognize you. I recognized Jacob, but I wouldn't have guessed it was you. How much weight have you lost?" I was a little bit floored. I had no idea why she stopped me. Then, when she was looking shocked, I thought she was going to tell me something bad about my son. But no, she knew that something was different. She was the first person I had to reply with, "I've lost 100 lbs"! Then, it was really real. I had to admit it. I will say, it made me feel good and made me realize that whether I see it or not, there's been a BIG change. She was so proud of me. She told me what a great job and a great thing I had done. Amazed at what had just happened, I walked away with quite a smile!

I went to meet with my surgeon yesterday. He gave me a clean bill of health. All is well and he thinks I'm doing fabulously! He said I look great. In nearly the same breath he said, "have you ever thought about abdominoplasty? I can help you to get a nice, flat, taut, tummy. You could be wearing a bikini." Of course, I told him that there was NOTHING he could do to get me in a bikini - he said, "Oh, I bet I could get you wanting to". Of course, I'm such a modest person that bikini is not in my vocabulary. We'll have to see about that. But, I must admit, he's got me thinking.

Even though I've had some good things happen, It's been a tough day. It's only 8:00pm and I'm ready to go to bed. Let's hope tomorrow is a better day! Will there be a week when every day is a "good" day? I'm waiting - impatiently - for that to happen!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Friday! It's a good thing!

I feel like I've been waiting for this day to come all week long! On Monday, I was wishing it was Friday already. And now . . . it's here. Whatever will I do with it?

I will take this day while "jumping for joy" that I don't have to be back at work tomorrow!!!! Yeehaw! Not to mention I have an appointment to get my hair cut and colored tonight. I'm super excited about it. My hair will be cute again!

So, I have a little story. I'm gonna ramble and it may get ugly, but I'm going to let it out anyway. I'm a little torn and don't really know why. If you read the blog, you know that I've been struggling to get to where I can say, "I've lost 100 lbs". Honestly, I thought I had given up. There's seriously a part of me that has been sitting back saying, "It's not going to happen, you're just supposed to be bigger." And, I've believed it. So, I kind of resolved (with myself) that my goal should be 170. But there's a part of me that wasn't completely ready to give that up either.

I typically weigh myself on Tuesdays. I'm not normally tempted to weigh any other day. But for some reason, I was yesterday. So, I got on the scale and I saw it. Yes sir, the scale said, "169". Not even a smidge extra (no - .2 or .5 or .75), it was right on (almost a little lower). I stood there in shock. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know if I should be excited or share or anything. So, what did I do? I went on with my day and acted like it didn't happen. Why would I rob myself of a celebration when that's what I have been working so hard to get to? I kept telling myself that I shouldn't have weighed. It was Thursday and I can't really count it until Tuesday. But there's a part of me that afraid that the number will change and I won't be able to claim it on Tuesday. That's why I couldn't count it or be excited about it or even be thrilled that it was below 170 - even once!

Finally, when my family and I sat down for dinner, I asked the question, "Did anyone weigh today?" I live in a house where we all struggle with weight and we're all working toward a goal of getting healthier, so I knew someone would've weighed. I wanted to find out if anyone else had success because I wanted to celebrate something, but for some reason didn't feel like my celebration was worthy. Sure enough, my sister had weighed (and was down a total of 11.5 lbs -YAHOO) and she even noticed that I had reached that "goal" that I had been pushing for. I didn't know what to say. I knew I wanted to be able to appreciate that number I saw. But I still didn't. It was strange.

My mother asked me, "so how does it feel to have lost 100lbs?" I responded with, "The same as it did at 99lbs."

I don't completely know what's going on in my head. I don't even know what to do about it. But I wanted to get it off my chest. I should probably make an appointment with the therapist! I want to feel good about the progress. I want to feel successful. But for some reason - even though I see it - I don't believe it. I guess I never really thought that I would succeed - even though I've sworn to everyone that I could and that I will. I still don't believe it. I think that there's a part of me that is afraid that once I get to "goal" I will not have anything to work so hard for. Even though I know that maintenance will be even HARDER than this past transition.

So, right now, I'm claiming it! I have OFFICIALLY lost 100 lbs!!!!! I am OFFICIALLY 9 lbs away from the original goal set for me at the time of my surgery. I cannot believe it. I don't even know what to do with it, but I am going to accept it! Once I get to the next goal, I get to re-evaluate and decide what the other goals should be. I just need to be able to accept them when I get there.

So, this weekend, I think my cute little haircut and I are going to go shopping. I HATE shopping, I do, I do, but I do need some things and I think I'm going to try to enjoy the experience and the idea of a reward. Besides, I haven't taken pictures in forever, so it's about time I get some updates going. Anyone want to join me? Let's celebrate!

Happy Friday!!!

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

The ABC's of Heather . . .

Yesterday, I read a blog post on Thoughts by Kim and loved it! I wanted to see if I could successfully fill an alphabet with the ABC’s of me. So, here’s my attempt:

A – Adventure. I’m all about adventure. I love to create adventure just for adventure’s sake. I want to explore things and visit places just to be adventurous. Oh yes, I even like to try new “hole in the wall” coffee shops or restaurants just to see if there’s something fun in them. I’m an adventurer. Maybe I’m not a “Survivor” adventurer, but an adventurer in my own mind.

B – Bugs. I don’t like bugs. Now, it’s summer time and bugs seem to be all over the place. I don’t like them. I’m not killing them, but I don’t like them either.

C – Commuting. I’ve recently increased my commute time by 20 minutes each way. It now takes me an hour to get to work and an hour to get home. I don’t know that I’m cut out for this. And I wonder why I’m exhausted when I get home?

D – Dread. I’m beginning to dread coming to work. Not because I don’t like the drive or the work, but I’m really getting frustrated with the people. I don’t know why others can be so insistent on making their surroundings uncomfortable. I need a vacation. Oh wait – that should be on V!

E – Exercise. I’m not doing enough. I need to get my self in gear and get back on track. I’ve got plenty of flab to turn into muscle. Of course, I have to wait for clearance from the surgeon, but I should get that on Monday. And I’m already cleared to walk – why am I not doing this??

F – Florida. Yep. The state. I have a friend that lives there. I really want to visit. I’ve never been to Florida. But, he’ll have to invite me because I’m too proud to invite myself.

G – Grateful. I am grateful for so many things such as my son, my family, my friends, and the new journey that I’m venturing through. I want to get as much out of it all as I possibly can.

H – Health. I feel like I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. Sure, I’ve lost some muscle mass and some strength, but I can get that back. I can move, I can breathe, and I can TIE MY SHOES!!! This is a big deal and I am grateful for a healthier me!!!

I – Inspired. Over the past year I’ve been so inspired by so many of the blogs that I read and by “getting to know” people in the WLS community. We’re all on a similar path yet I find that I gain so much from the experience of others. Thanks to all of my cyber friends that are willing to be open, honest, true and willing to share. Whether you know it or not, someone is gaining a lot from what you share!

J – Jogging. That’s a new word in my vocabulary. I haven’t actually done it yet, but I’m very tempted to start. I want to have the energy to jog. I want to be able to enjoy jogging. I’m not there yet, but I do want to be.

K – Knight in Shining Armor. Where in the world is this guy???? I’ve been waiting and waiting and I think he may be lost! I don’t really need to be rescued, but I wouldn’t mind riding off into the sunset!

L – Laughter. I love to laugh. I laugh a lot. I wish I laughed more. I wish everyone laughed more. I love having something that cracks me up so much that every time I think about it, I break out in laughter. Sometimes I laugh at things that don’t actually happen. But I play out how it “could” happen (in my head) and I can’t help but laugh! I’m a mess!

M – Muffin. That’s the nickname that we gave my little one before he was even born. He doesn’t really like it, but I just can’t stray away. Anytime I hear that word, I beam! He’s my little muffin and I’d be LOST without him!

N – Naked. I’m still not comfortable with myself naked. I’m not positive that I ever will be. But I’d like to be content with it. Someday, maybe?

O – Online dating. I don’t know why I’m still doing this. I hate dating. Online dating is even worse. I guess I still have a feeling that maybe there is someone out there. Sadly, I don’t think I’ll keep doing this much longer. Where are the normal folk?

P – Pilot. As in Honda Pilot. It’s what I drive. I love my car/suv. I really do. It’s funny that this morning I realized why I’ve always been drawn to the SUV type of cars. It’s because I’ve always been big. I never wanted to be the “big” girl getting out of a tiny car. Plus, SUVs are much easier to get in/out of – you don’t have to roll out (like you do with a small car). Now, I wonder if I’d like a smaller car. Honestly, I think I would. It would certainly save on fuel! Convertible, here I come! J

Q – Question. I love questions. I love asking them. I love being asked. I’m not afraid of questions. Sometimes, you should be afraid of the answers, but I welcome questions. It’s a form of getting to know people. For the most part, I like getting to know people!

R – Ramble. I tend to be a rambler, especially when I’m journaling or writing. I tend to go on and on, sometimes about nothing. Can you tell?

S – Sunshine. I am a HUGE fan of the sunshine. Not so much the heat, but I love to be out in the sunshine when I get a chance.

T – Travel. I have a huge desire to travel. I don’t always have the money or the time, but if I did, I’d be all over the place!

U – Uber. This is probably my new favorite word. I am “uber” excited when I get to use this word. I’m a sucker for new, unique words. Sometimes when I can’t find any, I’ll just make them up!

V – Vacation. I warned you at “D”! I need a vacation. A fun, exciting, get away and a “forget about everything” vacation. Where would I go?

W – Weight. It’s something that means a lot to me. I will face the idea and the struggles of weight for my entire life. I welcome the challenge.

X – Xylophone. I’ve never owned a Xylophone. I don’t think I ever want to. (Yeah, yeah, call me a cheater. But it’s true!) J

Y – Yoga. This is something I would LOVE to start. Have you seen the bodies of people that do yoga? Knock-outs! I’m a little bit nervous about it because I fear that I’m not flexible and I wouldn’t be able to do half of the poses. But, as they say, practice makes perfect.

Z – Zingers. Those little devilish snack cakes! For some reason, I love those little suckers. I don’t eat them anymore, but I still like them and think I can from time to time. It’s sad that this is what comes to mind when I think of the letter Z.

What a fun exercise this has been. It may take a little time to put together, but you should give it a try!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A Tuesday Weigh-in Report!

Imagine that!!! It came back down. Sure, I'm still up .5 lbs from last week, but I can hang with that. We'll just call that weight a surgical side effect.

Yep! I weighed in today and I was at 170.5. I think this is good and bad. There's a huge part of me that thinks feels like this is it. I won't get much lower than this. Can I complain, really? I have NEVER in my adult life been at this weight. I still don't feel like I weigh 170. I don't feel like I look it either. But the lovely, little scale is telling me so. What is 170 supposed to look like? What's it supposed to feel like? Is it all subjective? Does it really matter? How much different will 160 feel from 170? If it feels better (health-wise, energy-wise, image-wise) then I want to be there. So, until I really know what it's like, I guess I'm still trudging on! My first goal is to get that 1.5 lbs off so I can "officially" say I'm 100 lbs lighter!!!

Friday, June 5, 2009

Many thanks . . .

I must start out by saying "Thank you SO much" for the prayers and the well wishes! The surgery was a success. Of course, it was a bit of torture yesterday and re-cooperating today, but all in all, a success!

So, I have learned that I CAN go an entire day without eating or drinking ANYTHING! I'm not going to say I liked it, but it can be done! Yesterday the surgery schedule changed about 4 times. Where I was supposed to go in at 9:30am, they ended up taking me in at 3:30 pm. Quite different than what I had expected. But, it was something we had to do. My sister gave me a hard time about the fact that I was joking with my surgeon about how long it was taking. She definitely thought I should've done that AFTER he cut me open! Next time, I guess. I just feel fortunate that I have a great surgeon that I feel comfortable joking with and I know that I'm in good hands!

Anyway, the good news to report . . . NO hernias! No strangulation or kinks either. He did move some things around in there and said that it may take care of the problem. So, now we just wait and see. When the surgeon came out and talked to my family, they said that I was doing beautifully, healing beautifully, and my hard work and dedication was evident. Now, if that doesn't make your day, I don't know what will. Even though he didn't say those things to me, it made me feel very good about this whole process. I AM a success!!!

The bad news . . . I decided to weigh myself yesterday when I got home. I knew it was going to be disappointing and so I really am not taking it into consideration, but I gained 6 pounds from 8am to 8pm and I didn't even get to eat anything ALL DAY!!! Sort of funny. I'll be back to normal before you know it! Hopefully, even lower by Tuesday?? :-)

So now, I get to rest and re cooperate from the surgery. I must say, this was a BREEZE compared to the bypass! I don't get to shower until tonight and I'm restricted from driving a car or making any important decisions for 24 hours. Bummer! I guess someone else gets to decide what we eat for dinner (giggle, giggle).

I just wanted to make sure that I sent an update in case you were curious. All is well and getting better by the moment. I will say, the super-yum-delicious chocolate-peanut butter-banana protein shake is making a world of difference! And I'm not even being sarcastic! This stuff is GREAT!

Happy FRIDAY!!!!

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Where has the time gone . . . .

Oh, I wish I could answer that question!!!

It has been so long since I've been able to even get online, let alone try to provide an update. So, here is my first attempt! It may be sketchy, but I'll get back, I promise!

A LOT has happened since my last entry in "blogland". So, let's catch you up!

1) I have officially moved!! Yes, it's true! It's taken nearly a MONTH to get everything done. I can happily say that I turned in the keys to my former residence on Saturday and felt the weight lifted as I drove away. I'm still having to drive to Visalia for my son's school, but tomorrow is my last day of that! YIPEE!!!

2) I skipped over my "surgiversary"! Again, it's true!!! My 1 year anniversary of my surgery was May 22, 2009! The sad thing is, I've been so busy, I didn't even get to celebrate. Not that I had any money to do anything, but I'm sure I'll make up for the celebration soon! I'm always up for suggestions!

So, naturally, with an anniversary, comes an appointment with the surgeon! And, I'm happy to say that it went well. I SO wanted to have lost 100 lbs by the time I saw him. Unfortunately, the day I saw him, I was 3 lbs shy of that goal. He was still excited for me. He told me that if I didn't lose another pound he was considering me a big success. That - of course - made me feel good. Though he did say, "I want you to try to go another 10 - 15 lbs just because I think you'll love it". He's funny. But, I agreed with him. I still have a good 10 - 15 to lose, just to see what It feels like!

The other good news is that all of my blood work came back great. All of the levels were good. Except for the protein. He told me that I need to get more protein because either I'm not getting enough or I'm not absorbing as much as I should be. So, protein supplements are back in my world! Let's see how that pans out.

There was one bad/ify report. I had explained some of the discomfort I've been having in the past month. I explained it as a feeling of "gall bladder" pain, but I had that removed almost 20 years ago (yes, I was young). And I've also been feeling like there's a ball rolling around in my abdomen/stomach. Unfortunately, Dr. Swartz thinks that there's a possibility that I have an intestinal hernia. The only way to diagnose and solve the problem is through a laproscopic/exploratory surgery. He asked if I wanted to go through with it and I said, "What would you do in my case?" He, of course, said, "If I were you, I'd have it done. It's better to be safe and fix it early than to let it go on and create damage." So, I am scheduled for surgery on Thursday.

3) Work has been absolutely horrendous! In fact, I've threatened to walk out (to myself, of course) more than once in the last two weeks. It's tough. I'm not good about not being happy. I'm not good about having to work with people who are miserable and make it their job to make me miserable too. I'm happy to report, though, that today has been a good day. I'm thinking that "This too shall pass" and I will be all the more stronger for it!

4) Weigh ins! I have been weighing in, I just haven't updated you all! So sorry! I, today, am down 99 lbs!!! I know, I know, why won't that one little pound just disappear? I have a feeling that I may have a little set back due to the surgery, but I'm not going to give up yet! I'm in this to win it! Stress can't keep me down. Intestinal distress can't keep me down. Not even moving in with a bunch of crazies will keep me down! I'm in it!!! I'll get there. You watch me!!! :-)

5) I lost track of the 30 for 30 challenge. I was doing great! Then, I became a little overwhelmed with all of the moving and downsizing and work, etc. that I forgot to keep track of the actual activity I was doing. I kept myself moving most of the time, but I didn't do "intentional" exercise everyday. I feel awful that I failed the challenge. All in all, I probably missed about 3 days. But I did learn from the experience. I learned how easy it will be to not exercise if I let things get in the way. I will keep on keeping on and dedicate myself to intentional activity.

6) Blog reading! I'm so sadly behind! But . . .since I'll be laid up this week (thanks to the surgery), I'll get a chance to catch up! I feel so far behind! I want to know what's going on in blogland! All of my cyber friends are so inspiring, touching, and wonderful bloggers, I want to catch up! I'll get back in the groove! I promise!

I'm certain I haven't caught you up on everything, but I feel better getting this stuff off of my chest! I hope all is well! I hope to be commenting on your lives/blogs VERY SOON!!!!!