Friday! It's a good thing!

I feel like I've been waiting for this day to come all week long! On Monday, I was wishing it was Friday already. And now . . . it's here. Whatever will I do with it?

I will take this day while "jumping for joy" that I don't have to be back at work tomorrow!!!! Yeehaw! Not to mention I have an appointment to get my hair cut and colored tonight. I'm super excited about it. My hair will be cute again!

So, I have a little story. I'm gonna ramble and it may get ugly, but I'm going to let it out anyway. I'm a little torn and don't really know why. If you read the blog, you know that I've been struggling to get to where I can say, "I've lost 100 lbs". Honestly, I thought I had given up. There's seriously a part of me that has been sitting back saying, "It's not going to happen, you're just supposed to be bigger." And, I've believed it. So, I kind of resolved (with myself) that my goal should be 170. But there's a part of me that wasn't completely ready to give that up either.

I typically weigh myself on Tuesdays. I'm not normally tempted to weigh any other day. But for some reason, I was yesterday. So, I got on the scale and I saw it. Yes sir, the scale said, "169". Not even a smidge extra (no - .2 or .5 or .75), it was right on (almost a little lower). I stood there in shock. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know if I should be excited or share or anything. So, what did I do? I went on with my day and acted like it didn't happen. Why would I rob myself of a celebration when that's what I have been working so hard to get to? I kept telling myself that I shouldn't have weighed. It was Thursday and I can't really count it until Tuesday. But there's a part of me that afraid that the number will change and I won't be able to claim it on Tuesday. That's why I couldn't count it or be excited about it or even be thrilled that it was below 170 - even once!

Finally, when my family and I sat down for dinner, I asked the question, "Did anyone weigh today?" I live in a house where we all struggle with weight and we're all working toward a goal of getting healthier, so I knew someone would've weighed. I wanted to find out if anyone else had success because I wanted to celebrate something, but for some reason didn't feel like my celebration was worthy. Sure enough, my sister had weighed (and was down a total of 11.5 lbs -YAHOO) and she even noticed that I had reached that "goal" that I had been pushing for. I didn't know what to say. I knew I wanted to be able to appreciate that number I saw. But I still didn't. It was strange.

My mother asked me, "so how does it feel to have lost 100lbs?" I responded with, "The same as it did at 99lbs."

I don't completely know what's going on in my head. I don't even know what to do about it. But I wanted to get it off my chest. I should probably make an appointment with the therapist! I want to feel good about the progress. I want to feel successful. But for some reason - even though I see it - I don't believe it. I guess I never really thought that I would succeed - even though I've sworn to everyone that I could and that I will. I still don't believe it. I think that there's a part of me that is afraid that once I get to "goal" I will not have anything to work so hard for. Even though I know that maintenance will be even HARDER than this past transition.

So, right now, I'm claiming it! I have OFFICIALLY lost 100 lbs!!!!! I am OFFICIALLY 9 lbs away from the original goal set for me at the time of my surgery. I cannot believe it. I don't even know what to do with it, but I am going to accept it! Once I get to the next goal, I get to re-evaluate and decide what the other goals should be. I just need to be able to accept them when I get there.

So, this weekend, I think my cute little haircut and I are going to go shopping. I HATE shopping, I do, I do, but I do need some things and I think I'm going to try to enjoy the experience and the idea of a reward. Besides, I haven't taken pictures in forever, so it's about time I get some updates going. Anyone want to join me? Let's celebrate!

Happy Friday!!!

Now that's peculiar . . .

The scale actually moved!!!! Nope. I'm not kidding. Would I kid about something that has been stressing me out? Ok, I would, but I'm not!

I had to do a ton of shopping this weekend (which I HATE) in order to prepare for our Cruise (we leave tomorrow after work) and it was horrible! Of course, I had to try to find a bathing suit and shorts because I didn't have any. Well, everything I tried on was tight, didn't fit right, revealed too much, all of that good stuff that's associated with my fear and loathing of shopping! So, with that experience in the back of my mind, there was NO WAY that I expected the scale to move. But it did - and I was EXCITED! Sure, there was a mad rush of disbelief, but that passed while in the shower and trying to convince myself that the scale doesn't lie.

So, maybe there was some truth in my theory about the carbs? I went from eating 60 % of my daily totals in carbohydrate to 40%ish on a daily basis. Could that have done it? I'm guessing it had a hand in this! The lower carb intake coupled with the drinking of more water and Micah kicking my butt . . . now I think we're getting somewhere! Finally!

Now, I'm scared to say that I'm really nervous about the cruise. It's a MUCH NEEDED vacation, but people go on these things to eat 24 hours a day! I cannot do this. Nor do I want to do this. I'm certain that this will be a good test of my will. I think I'm ready for it. I'm just nervous. This too shall pass. Maybe I'll be one of the crazy people that LOSES weight on a cruise? Wouldn't that be great?

So, I'm in for a very busy week, but excited about where it's going!

A new phobia

There are phobias of all sorts. Trust me, I looked today to see if I am the only one who has a fear of shopping and apparently I am. Even though I scanned through the entire list of phobias, I did not find the one that I have newly acquired. I have a FEAR OF SHOPPING!

I used to just think that I hated shopping. I didn't like the process, I didn't get excited about clothes, I didn't like to try things on and I certainly didn't want to take all of the time shopping that my friends would like to. I'm the "get in and get out" kind of person and probably not your first pick when you want a shopping partner.

There was a big part of me that thought as I shrank, I would be so excited about buying clothes and trying them on and seeing if they were cute, etc. I thought my shopping experiences were going to turn around and I would all of a sudden be very fashion savvy. Boy, was I wrong!

So, last night, I had agreed to go shopping for some gifts for work (since we have a bunch of parties coming up) and after that, we'd go look for a pair of dress pants (since I don't have any that fit). Well, the work shopping was fun, exciting, and didn't cost me a dime - but we got all sorts of fun things for the party. Then, it was time for us to go looking for pants. I seriously was scared. I had feelings of great anxiety. What size would I pick up? Would I still be in the women's section? Would I be able to really size up the situation (no pun intended) and get beyond whatever it was that was freaking me out? NO, I couldn't! My friend tried to calm me down, but I honestly didn't know why I was being so weird. I just didn't want to be in there. I didn't want to face what was ahead of me - shopping! I must have a shopping phobia! That's all that would explain it. And since there's not a true shopping phobia - I'm going to claim it/name it now. I must be suffering from - habilimentophobia (yes, I used the thesaurus to help me out). Hey, that's not all I have. I have Eisotrophbia too (fear of seeing oneself in a mirror)! What a mess I am!

The good news is, I did finally select a few options to try on (because I can't go to the dinner in my pajamas) and I was successful. I got clothes from the NON - "W" - section. Could it be true? Am I really out of the W after every number? Am I venturing away from the "fat lady" stores that I know and love? The answer is YES! I was in a 16. Not a 16W - a normal person 16. WHAT? Not only that, all of the tops/shirts I selected to try on - I grabbed in an Extra Large. Well, well, I am an EXTRA LARGE NO more! YIPEE!!!!! I guess 66 lbs can make a difference?

Now, I'm on to my next phobia - obesophobia (fear of gaining weight)! I should've acquired that one a long time ago!!! It's never too late to start, right?