Tuesday, March 31, 2009

She's back . . .


It's true, it's true! I'm back from vacation! Unfortunately, now I REALLY need a vacation. I'm exhausted! That's not exactly how I had planned for things to work, but what can you do? Right?

So, last Thursday 26 of my family members and I took a cruise to Ensenada, Mexico. It was a great time! I did learn a LOT from this weekend. I'm not sure if I can/should blog about it all, but it was definitely a learning experience (from various perspectives).

Today also happens to be the day that I do my weekly weigh in. Sure enough, I LOST WEIGHT! What? I know! It's true, it's true, there is a way to lose weight on a cruise. Unfortunately, it's probably not the healthiest way to do it, but it happened. I probably drank more than I ate (not a good thing). Sometimes, that's what family and having fun will do to you. This is just one of the things I had learned (there is no need to consume so much alcohol! It makes me crazy).

Another thing that I learned about myself while I was away was how much I depend on my WLS cyber friends & blog postings. I honestly almost felt lost not being in contact with what was happening. I kept wondering what you all were doing and how I was going to share about my experiences. I even wondered, if I were more connected, would I have gotten so carried away?

Anyway, I did end up having a fabulous time. I didn't get nearly enough sleep and haven't been able to sleep well since I've been back. I'm hoping that (now that I'm back to work & the routine) I'll be able to catch up and get some good sleep tonight. I certainly need it, before I go pulling my hair out.

I will say, it's strange, when I do fall asleep, I have crazy dreams about the ship that I was on, people that were on it and how many ways I lost my camera. Yep! I lost my camera on the first night! I'm devastated and I really think it's taking a toll on me (even emotionally). Doesn't that sound crazy? I so wanted to have new photos to post and be able to share about my experiences and have things to back them up, but I recklessly lost the camera and it's really getting to me. I don't even really know why it's affecting me so much, but it is. I just keep praying that it will be found and returned to me. I know that the camera is replaceable, but the photos on it are not.

I do have so much to say, share, ponder and really get a grip on - but I have so much to do and catch up on that I just can't concentrate on it right now. Maybe it'll be a multiple-post day? Besides, I have a ton of reading/catching up to do to find out how everyone else has been while I've been out.

I hope all is well and I can't wait to hear about all the stories I've missed since I have been gone.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Now that's peculiar . . .

The scale actually moved!!!! Nope. I'm not kidding. Would I kid about something that has been stressing me out? Ok, I would, but I'm not!

I had to do a ton of shopping this weekend (which I HATE) in order to prepare for our Cruise (we leave tomorrow after work) and it was horrible! Of course, I had to try to find a bathing suit and shorts because I didn't have any. Well, everything I tried on was tight, didn't fit right, revealed too much, all of that good stuff that's associated with my fear and loathing of shopping! So, with that experience in the back of my mind, there was NO WAY that I expected the scale to move. But it did - and I was EXCITED! Sure, there was a mad rush of disbelief, but that passed while in the shower and trying to convince myself that the scale doesn't lie.

So, maybe there was some truth in my theory about the carbs? I went from eating 60 % of my daily totals in carbohydrate to 40%ish on a daily basis. Could that have done it? I'm guessing it had a hand in this! The lower carb intake coupled with the drinking of more water and Micah kicking my butt . . . now I think we're getting somewhere! Finally!

Now, I'm scared to say that I'm really nervous about the cruise. It's a MUCH NEEDED vacation, but people go on these things to eat 24 hours a day! I cannot do this. Nor do I want to do this. I'm certain that this will be a good test of my will. I think I'm ready for it. I'm just nervous. This too shall pass. Maybe I'll be one of the crazy people that LOSES weight on a cruise? Wouldn't that be great?

So, I'm in for a very busy week, but excited about where it's going!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Success! Finally!

Lately, I've had a huge desire to experiment in the kitchen, like I used to. Well, I don't cook or even play nearly as often as I used to. This is probably because I don't eat like I used to and I don't have a ton of people around me to share it with. All that doesn't really matter. What matters is, I've been wanting to make some fun things, and have them be both good and good for me.

So, a few weeks ago Eggface (www.theworldaccordingtoeggface.com), who posts wonderful ideas and recipes (like protein ice cream that even non-ops like) and all sorts of fun for the WLS world, posted a recipe for "mini protein donuts". I was so excited about the idea of having "healthy" donuts that I ordered the pan online. Well, I first attempted to make these donuts about 2 weeks ago and they turned out horribly! REALLY! And I thought, "Why in the world would someone think these are good"? And I decided, maybe it was just my tastes (everything has changed since surgery).

Last night, I decided I wasn't ready to give up on the donuts just yet. Besides, I had just bought the pan! I can't let it go so soon. I made a few minor changes to the recipe and BAM! They were GREAT! Seriously! I ate two (frozen) for breakfast and I was so glad I did. Finally, I get to feel successful in the kitchen again.

The night before, I had made some "mini" apple crisp (made with Splenda brown sugar) and they turned out fabulous also! So, I may be back in the kitchen! This has made my week. Now, I'm excited to explore opportunities and see what other recipes I can make. Kim, your "cuisine" is next on my list! :-)

So, I must say, a day that started off with donuts can't be all that bad, right? I'm excited about the weekend and looking forward to serious productivity and pampering!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I'm convinced!

Micah is out to get me! Sure, sure, that's his job. Whatever. I think he was taking it easy on me until I "sealed the deal" and started paying the big bucks. Now, he makes me want to run and hide. Or maybe he's getting too confident in his own abilities?? Yeah, maybe that's it.

So, all that ranting was basically to say, I worked my butt off last night. And even though I wanted to quit, Micah wouldn't let me. Yes, yes, I am grateful that I finished and I am grateful for how I'm going to feel later, but last night's workout was hard!

I think that one of the reasons that this workout was so hard was because I realized how weak I really am. Sure, I've always played the "I'm tough" part in my life, but when exercising made me purely exhausted and I seriously wasn't able to do one more "dip" (and we had only done 20). I was sad that I'm not the "strong" person I thought I was.

I know it sounds like I'm whining. I guess I am. But at the same time, this whole episode last night gave me great motivation. Now I want to work harder to show that I can have muscle. I can be stronger. I can do this! I will prove to myself that I can! That's how I felt on the way home from the gym - which was great! THEN, last night's episode of "The Biggest Loser" drove it home even more. Those contestants (most still over 200 lbs) ran a half marathon! Sure, a bunch of them thought they were going to die, but they did it and they felt amazing.

I think sometimes we need to be pushed to realize that we can accomplish things out of our immediate grasp. I didn't think I could do a lot of that last night, but my little trainer wasn't going to let me quit. We have to work at it to get there. And that is what I will do!

Besides, there may be some tightening of some necessary places in this for me!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Still holding . . .

Yes siree! I'm still hanging out at 178. Could this be the "new" me? Maybe. But, again, I'm not ready to give up yet! I've got time. I'm still 2 months away from my "surgiversary". But at the same time, I'm only 2 MONTHS away from my "surgiversary! I wanted to have lost at least 100 lbs by that date, but I'm not sure that is what my body really wants. I'm sure I'll fight, kick, and scream about it, but if this is where I am meant to end up/stay - it most CERTAINLY beats where I was a year ago!!!!

I get to meet up with Micah tonight. We missed our session last week because I was sick/lazy. But I think I'm ready for him. In fact, I visited the gym last night and pushed myself just to make sure I could! And my little muffin (son) was so glad we made it!

I did well with cutting the carbs yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I didn't do perfect, but we're taking baby steps - right? I consumed a mere (sarcasm) 40% of my intake from carbs! That's almost a 20% reduction! Woo hoo! I am still SHOCKED to find that I am eating nearly 1200 calories a day. Sure, I don't feel hunger, but is that really necessary? These are the things that will be modified in my next "investigation" of the dietary habits!

So, this week is off to a good start. I'm excited about making changes. I'm really excited about seeing how the changes change everything.

Monday, March 16, 2009

And we're back . . .

At least I hope so!

Last week was a rough week. Not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, and even dietarily (don't know if that's a real word or not, but I don't mind). So, this week, we're looking for some changes.

Last week, I decided to take the week off of exercise because I wasn't feeling well and I was afraid that if I didn't rest that I would get more sick. Well, I think that was me telling myself to take a break because I wanted to be lazy. Of course, in retrospect, I think taking the week off was a horrible idea. I didn't get any worse, but I'm sure I could've pushed through and maybe even got better more quickly if I had "sweated" it all out? I don't know. But I need to be more aware of my "self-sabotage" and when it's trying to creep in. The really sad part is that I robbed my son of his social/activity hour and he really missed it. I will think twice before I allow us both the sacrifice for a little "rest" or laziness!

I also decided to follow in the foot-steps of a few of my cyber friends and track my daily intake. I picked www.fitday.com to be the current log of my calories/intake. This site will provide me with a pie chart of percentages of types of food. This is where the lovely little site brought me a little slap in the face. I have been consuming 60-65% of my calorie intake in carbs!!!!! This is not acceptable! Especially since I KNOW that I wasn't working them off last week. So, I'm glad that I kept track of this because now I know that I've been lying to myself (or at least not being completely honest) and this could be the reason that I'm not making the progress I want to. So, this week, I get to focus on getting those ugly, evil, yucky carbs out of my diet and hopefully see if that makes any changes.

I feel good about this week. I feel good about making progress and I feel good about making changes that will allow me to be healthier. I have the power to do this. I have the desire to be healthy. I just need to remember that the carbs and lack of exercise were major contributors to the reason I was where I was. I also have to remember how desperate I am and have been to get out of that place. The "new" Heather has to have a "new" plan!

Here's to a great week of success and realizations!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

My theories are crap . . . and other emotional revelations/ramblings

Yep! I said it. I was so proud of myself over the last few weeks. See, I have been surrounded by sick people since the beginning of the year. Then, I thought that maybe I wasn't getting sick because I have become a well vitamined - healthy machine. I even told people that I thought I wasn't getting sick because I fell almost "over vitamined" per surgeons recommendations (just as any post-WLS person is vitamined). Well, that was crap! The only reason that I say this is because I think I'm getting sick. YUCK! I'm not a good "sick" person. Don't get me wrong, I'm still fighting this battle, but I'm just hoping and praying that I win!

In other news . . . The scale was the same again today. Sure, I can definitely chalk this one up to not feeling well. I skipped the gym last night and I'm skipping the gym (and my session w/ Micah) tonight as well. If it's true that rest and liquids can heal the sick, then that is what I will do! I do feel that resting last night helped the illness, but I don't think it helped the scale! No worries, I'll still push through. It's bound to change at some point, right?

In a nutshell, I'm a little "out of it" lately, probably because of whatever ailment I'm suffering with. I have been reading blogs, but I don't have any clever, quick witted comments to contribute and that makes me a little sad so I end up not saying anything. I know that I should, but I haven't. I hope you all understand, I'll get back on the commenting band-wagon before you know it. Don't stop writing though, I'll miss it too much!

So, I currently am finding that I have a lot of friends (YES, even cyber friends) that are having a lot of struggles in various areas of their lives right now. I feel really sad because I don't know what to say or what to do or how to take it all away. I really, really wish I did. I fear that saying something when I really don't know what they are going through would end up making it look like or feel like I have no idea what I'm talking about. It's true, I probably don't know what I'm talking about, but I do like to think that a good friend would be able to offer at least a little sunshine in a day full of clouds.

I actually was able to meet with a really good friend of mine this past weekend. We were the best of friends. The only reason that even had to change was because I moved away several years ago and it was hard to connect from so far away. But, we got together on Saturday and Sunday and were catching up like nothing had changed. Anyway, not quite seven years ago my friend and her family were in a horribly, devastating car accident. Everyone in the accident was injured. She broke her collarbone and ankle. Her husband was crushed/shattered from the waist down and is still struggling with the injuries. But the person that got the most of it was her 10 week old son. It's a long story, but in short (for the sake of the reader) all but 10% of his tiny little brain was damaged and he will not ever be what we thought he was supposed to be. He is not expected to walk/talk/react/function as a normal person - ever. Of course, I believe most of us know and feel that things happen for a reason and I think there is no exception in this story. We may not know the true reason just yet, but I'm sure we'll figure it out in time.

The reason I share this story is to share what she had let me in on this past weekend. She told me that she would never forget that time that we were together because I was the ONLY person that treated her the same way I always did (and still seem to be that person). If she did something funny, I would laugh. If she did something embarrassing, I would remind her of it when necessary. If she did something silly, I would tell her about it (in my oh-so-charming sarcasm). Of course, I told her that I only did this because I didn't know how to act any different than I ever had. It was a tough time for all of us - especially her - and if I could be the only normalcy in her life for that moment, then that was my mission. But I didn't do that because I knew she needed it. I did it because I truly didn't know how else to react. Honestly, all of this time, I have felt that I never did enough. I didn't offer enough, I didn't laugh enough, I didn't give all that I could. But somehow, it was more than she could've ever asked for. She knew that there was NOTHING that any of us could do to take it all away, and all she wanted was to feel normal. She didn't want everyone to have pity on her. She didn't want people to look at her with "puppy dog" eyes because there was nothing they could do and they felt sorry for her. She just wanted to feel normal.

I never knew that this was something was appreciated or valued until this past weekend. Honestly, it gave me a whole new perspective on how I will view and deal with the struggles that my friends face when I know that there's nothing I can do but be there when they need me. I will do everything in my power to help. But I will also not treat you any different than I would have before the struggles appeared. Whether it be problems getting pregnant, problems with the child you've already conceived, or problems with the special needs child that has changed your life. I want to be the best friend that I can be. So, please, feel free to come to me. I will listen, without judgement. I will hug you, in hopes of bringing comfort. I will cry with you, so you don't have to cry alone. I will laugh with you, so that you know there is joy at the end of the trial. I would do this so you can trust that it will all work out as God intended and in his time.

You'll have to forgive me for the long, rambling post. I tend to get emotional when I'm not feeling well. This just had to come out. Please know that I do keep you all in my prayers (that goes for you Kim, Anita, & Lauren). Whether you/they read this message or not, I felt that they/you need to know that you're in my thoughts, my heart and in my prayers.

When I complain about the scales not moving, I need to be reminded of the fact that others have a LOT more to complain about! This is not how I expected this post to go. But the therapy of this post (for me) is priceless!

I'm praying for a week full of blessings!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Could the plateau be back already??

Happy weigh in day! Sure, I know that not everyone weighs in on Tuesdays, but it's fun to think we all do.

I have had an incredibly busy week and weekend. I guess I should be happy that the scale didn't go anywhere as opposed to going up - which it very well could have done. So, I'll keep my 178. That's quite an accomplishment! I'm really excited about getting to 175 though. I've never seen 175. I guess I've had never seen 178 before either, but 175 sounds so much better. I know that it looks much different on me than I think it looks on others, but I can't wait to be there! Maybe that's why these plateaus are so painful. There are mini-goals that I'm just not getting to and it's tough.

I missed a few workouts last week, due to the training, the weekend full of parties & family, and the craziness that is my life and motherhood. I did get back to the gym and worked this jiggle into quite a sweat! Which has brought me to the conclusion that it's hard work getting half-assed!

I have decided (through much evaluation and negotiation) to keep my personal trainer (little Micah) for another 8 weeks. I think it will really pay off. I may not love the personal training sessions, but I love the insight they provide. I also love the accountability and the new/creative way of exercising that I haven't yet explored. 8 more weeks/sessions will get me within 3 weeks of my 1 year surgiversary. If things are well and I feel like the personal training touch is necessary, that may just be my surgiversary gift to myself. We'll just have to see. I SO want to be at my goal by May 22. So, all I need to do is keep on keeping on - right? And that is what I shall do!

I must admit, I'm feeling very good. I do have energy. I am sleeping a bit better. I'm still suffering from what I like to call/think of as post-op insomnia. But when I do sleep, I sleep well. So, that has to count for something.

It's good to be back and back in the routine. I can't wait to see how well I do next week!