Thursday, October 30, 2008

A wild ride . . .

It's true! Today has been quite the wild ride for me (so to speak). I've been up, down, up, down, up and back down again and it's barely 1:30!

Today started off fairly well. I'm suffering from a little back pain that started last night. I don't like it, it makes me uncomfortable, but I'm just pushing through hoping that it miraculously disappears!

I am wearing a belt today. Yep. A belt. Here's what happened . . . I was trying to look for some decent/nice clothes to wear to work today because we will have visitors in the office. I hate wearing jeans or not looking nice when visitors come to the office (even though I work for a construction company and most people wear jeans with holes). So, since I wore the only pair of black pants that I had yesterday, I had to settle for jeans today. The only jeans that I thought were nice enough are size 18 - which are a little too big (bummer, eh). So, I looked in my drawers knowing that there's a belt in there somewhere - and I found it. Then, I thought to myself, "I have no idea what size this belt is or if it's even going to fit", but I tried it and it worked. Who wears belts anymore? I do! And I may just get more of them!!!!! The belt, fortunately, made the pants work and I must say, I felt pretty good about my outfit today!

On another good note, today is my sister's birthday and she is surrounded by people that are making her day feel very special. I think that's very important, especially since I know that I can be with her today to celebrate it. We'll celebrate it up on Saturday! I'm really looking forward to it.

I'm finding myself in a strange place/thought process today. I can't help but think about dating and how this is something I want to do (I think). It's strange. I don't typically occupy my time with how I can get a date or how to meet people, etc., but today, I can't get this off my mind. We even went to lunch today and at Taco bell, I was looking around and there were plenty of people that appeared to be "dating" or at the beginning of a dating relationship. There was even a guy that sat at the booth behind us and I thought, "hmmm, he seems like a nice guy (no, I have never seen this man in my life), I could date a nice guy like that. Have I gotten to a new point of desperation? It's very strange. But it's kind of fun too. I guess there's a part of me that's starting to feel better about myself and about what I want. I just question why this becoming so important to me? Do I really think I'm ready for something like that? I still have a lot of things to learn about me. Is now a good time to try to learn about someone else too? Feels like I'm venturing into uncharted territory. The sad thing still is . . . I don't even know where to begin. What's the next step? Any suggestions?

If I've gone through all of these emotions in just a few hours, what do I get to expect for the rest of the day? I'll guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

A new phobia

There are phobias of all sorts. Trust me, I looked today to see if I am the only one who has a fear of shopping and apparently I am. Even though I scanned through the entire list of phobias, I did not find the one that I have newly acquired. I have a FEAR OF SHOPPING!

I used to just think that I hated shopping. I didn't like the process, I didn't get excited about clothes, I didn't like to try things on and I certainly didn't want to take all of the time shopping that my friends would like to. I'm the "get in and get out" kind of person and probably not your first pick when you want a shopping partner.

There was a big part of me that thought as I shrank, I would be so excited about buying clothes and trying them on and seeing if they were cute, etc. I thought my shopping experiences were going to turn around and I would all of a sudden be very fashion savvy. Boy, was I wrong!

So, last night, I had agreed to go shopping for some gifts for work (since we have a bunch of parties coming up) and after that, we'd go look for a pair of dress pants (since I don't have any that fit). Well, the work shopping was fun, exciting, and didn't cost me a dime - but we got all sorts of fun things for the party. Then, it was time for us to go looking for pants. I seriously was scared. I had feelings of great anxiety. What size would I pick up? Would I still be in the women's section? Would I be able to really size up the situation (no pun intended) and get beyond whatever it was that was freaking me out? NO, I couldn't! My friend tried to calm me down, but I honestly didn't know why I was being so weird. I just didn't want to be in there. I didn't want to face what was ahead of me - shopping! I must have a shopping phobia! That's all that would explain it. And since there's not a true shopping phobia - I'm going to claim it/name it now. I must be suffering from - habilimentophobia (yes, I used the thesaurus to help me out). Hey, that's not all I have. I have Eisotrophbia too (fear of seeing oneself in a mirror)! What a mess I am!

The good news is, I did finally select a few options to try on (because I can't go to the dinner in my pajamas) and I was successful. I got clothes from the NON - "W" - section. Could it be true? Am I really out of the W after every number? Am I venturing away from the "fat lady" stores that I know and love? The answer is YES! I was in a 16. Not a 16W - a normal person 16. WHAT? Not only that, all of the tops/shirts I selected to try on - I grabbed in an Extra Large. Well, well, I am an EXTRA LARGE NO more! YIPEE!!!!! I guess 66 lbs can make a difference?

Now, I'm on to my next phobia - obesophobia (fear of gaining weight)! I should've acquired that one a long time ago!!! It's never too late to start, right?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Coming back down!

FINALLY! It feels like it's been forever since I have actually been down on the scale. Fortunately, today (my actual weigh in day) I was down! I'm now getting closer and closer to my goal! YIPEE!!!

Things have been a little be off lately. I'm in a bit of a "funk". I have been dealing with a bit of insomnia lately. I don't really understand. Things are going fairly well. I am experimenting with new foods/recipes, I'm cooking a lot more, I'm being a lot more active, these are all things I love, yet, something is off. I wonder, is this common? I question what the "off" feeling could be, but I can't actually put my finger on it. It could be my lack of social options (especially when I desperately need some social time), it could be the fact that I'm struggling financially, it could be that I am running out of clothes to wear and I don't have any money to get clothes to replace them. I actually tried to wear two pair of dress pants last week and they looked awful. One pair actually looked like I was wearing black pajama bottoms. The fact that I don't have any clothes should be fabulous! But the thought of going to work in pajamas is not so appealing. I sure hope this is just a phase and I jump out of it quickly! I also hope that the clothes fairy is nice to me and shows me some mercy. There is a "clothes fairy" right?

This past week marked my 5 month surgiversary (as many other bloggers like to call it). I can't believe it's been 5 months. Then again, I can't believe it's been only 5 months. Sometimes it feels like I've been at this forever!!! I am so excited to have this chance and this opportunity to change my life. I can't wait to get closer to reaching my goals. I feel such a sense of accomplishment with each step closer. I can't believe I'll be under 200 lbs in just 3 pounds!!!! Sure, that could potentially be a month away (I hope not), but it's only 3 pounds! That's nothing when I see that I've already shed 66!!!! I get so envious of others (when I read their blogs) and see where they are in their journey. I can't wait to be at that point and be able to say, "I wouldn't trade this for the world"!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Boobies at work?

I am an idiot! I just need to make that clear. I was all excited about my sweatshirt, not because of what it says, but because of what it means. 1) The shirt signifies the help/donation to the ever growing battle against breast cancer 2) It's a normal person size - which doesn't happen to me often (until now, hopefully).

Well, it didn't occur to me that the shirt may be questionable due to my line of work. Sure, I'm an Office Manager/Administrator - which is fine and dandy, but I WORK FOR A CONSTRUCTION company that's full of greasy, dirty, men. Sure, they're nice to mean for the most part, but can you imagine the kinds of comments I'm getting about the "boobie shirt"? WHAT AN IDIOT! It's a good thing I can handle it. I'll definitely be thinking twice before I wear the "boobie shirt" to work again!

The dryer is shrinking my clothes faster than I can shrink myself!

Yesterday I had to do laundry. I had neglected this chore for a little too long. Being that now my "Save the boobies" shirt was clean and I had only worn it once before, I had decided to wear this today. It's Friday, that calls for a more casual attire, right? So, Levis and a sweatshirt (in my opinion) would be the perfect attire. I typically don't get dressed until I'm ready to walk out the door. I hadn't even considered other options. Well, as I placed the sweater on my body, I realized that it didn't fit quite the same. It wasn't that the sweatshirt wouldn't zip or anything, but the sleeves were a little bit short. Then I realized that the whole thing had shrunk! WHAT? This can happen when I'm about 30 pounds lighter, but not now! I'm not ready to not be able to wear it again! I've seriously had this sweatshirt in my closet (unworn) for over a year because I received it as a gift, wanted to wear it, but it didn't fit! Since I had lost 65 lbs, it fit, I wore it once and now, we're back to borderline not fitting. I didn't let that get me down! I wore it anyway! I know, I know, you're probably all thinking, "how tacky", but it's really not that bad. If I push up the sleeves then you can hardly tell that they really come up about 1 - 2 inches from my wrist! It'll be fine! Or at least that's what I keep telling myself!

I'm actually doing better this morning. I kind of forced myself out of yesterday's funk with the WLS friendly 5-minute chocolate cake! YUM! Not that the food itself made me happier, but the action of cooking and being creative did. I still LOVE to cook, whether I can eat it or not. It's very therapeutic for me. I have purchased all sorts of ingredients to be creative with this weekend. It should be very exciting! If you've got any fun recipes that you love, send them my way, I love to play around in the kitchen!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Emotions and boxing

The two do go together, right? We get emotional and then we want to box, right? Or do we want to curl up into a box? I haven't quite figured it out yet, but when I do, I'll let you know!

I had a rough day yesterday. I don't think I was "grouchy" ALL day, but it sure hit like a ton of bricks when I got home. The night before (Tuesday night) I had worked out on the Wii Fit again for over 30 minutes. I unlocked the advanced Boxing, the 10 minute free-step aerobics, and another strength exercise. Of course, I had to do them all to make sure that I didn't have any "new" games I hadn't tried. It was great. I was actually SWEATING - yes, like a pig! But it was fun. My son even commented - "you sweat a lot!" Well, it felt good, but I was so tired when I was done. Body tired, not so much sleepy tired. In fact, I had trouble sleeping because I was all amped up from the exercise! But we survived!

I also had a counseling session on Tuesday - which could've lead to the grouchy. The session didn't go as well as I had wanted. I wanted to solve problems, sort things out, understand why I'm afraid to let the fat person go and not have the barrier that I'm used to. But those things didn't get solved (it's only an hour) and it lead to so many more questions. Do we think the unanswered questions could've lead to grouchy? Probably so (along with the exhaustion). I, also, ate very poorly yesterday. If I eat better today, will it all go away?

Well, last night I had to go to my "second" job of cleaning the office. I was so not excited about that - which made me really grouchy and I kind of took it out on my poor little "muffin". The thing that was good about that is that I take someone with me and we get to talk and be friends. That's a good thing. All was well, until we were driving home and she brought up something that she's been struggling with. As it turns out, she was talking about something that I was struggling with too! SERIOUSLY! The reason it was so hard is because I didn't want to have to really talk about it because I didn't want her to know that I was struggling too. But then she made comments like, "I don't see how you deal with this," and it really made me wonder why I'm putting up with it. And I don't know why!!!!!

I think this all goes back to my putting other people's feelings before my own. Why do I care so much. All I know is that I think about this AT LEAST once a month. I don't know if it's because it coincides with my "cycle" or if it's just that's when I can't take it anymore? But I'm frustrated and I don't know what to do.

I guess I needed a little venting this morning. I know I've been vague, I don't want to put it all out there for my own protection. I just need to decide what's best for me and how to go about getting it. I guess I just have to factor it all in and weigh my options. Let's just hope I can sort it all out before I take drastic measures.

Guess I'll be doing some serious boxing tonight!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Unlocking new possibilities

Today is official "weigh in" day. It's that once a week time that I really question if I want to keep this up weekly. YES! Of course I do! It's accountability!!!! So, today, I was up. Of course, it was only .5 lb since last week, but it was still up. It's supposed to be down! I will still blame my week full of working out for this eye opening experience. At least I'm being honest! I'm really starting to question my goals, but I am still determined to get closer to that "onederland" before mid-November.

The discouragement of exercise causing a weight gain did not detour me. I STILL exercised last night. This time, it was me and my Wii fit! I unlocked ALL SORTS of things yesterday! So, now, I have the advanced step aerobics, the penguin fishing game, new strength training AND RHYTHM BOXING!!! I'm unlocking things left and right and it's fun! I really enjoyed my workout yesterday - and it was like I was playing games. We should elect the inventor of the Wii to be President!!!

I joined an online support group today for the help with the wls experience. I'm super excited about it. The members all seem so very cool. I just wish they were closer and I could actually meet these people in person. I'm determined not to just lurk in the shadows of this group. I'm going to be a part of it. I need friends, I need support, I need to know that others are going through the same things. Friends are priceless, even if they are strictly cyberpals! I'm not giving up. I'll be social one way or another.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Back at it again . . .

Here's to another week! Hopefully a week full of successes. Today, I'm off to a smidge of a rocky start. On the Wii Fit this morning, I was exactly the same as I was (BMI because I don't check actual weight until tomorrow) on Friday. That was slightly disappointing because I was up on Thursday/Friday. I will chalk it up to my week FULL of exercising (last week). Let's hope it pays off soon. I did, finally, get to unlock the ADVANCED STEP AEROBICS and The Rhythm boxing! Go me!!!

I tried a new, fun, yummy, weight loss surgery friendly 5 minute chocolate cake recipe and it was pretty good. My family agreed. It was HANDS DOWN way better than the full sugar/fat version. GO EGGFACE! You've done it again. I must say, at this point, Eggface is my hero!!!! Such an inspiration.

I started to get a little bit discouraged on my way home from Fresno yesterday. I don't know exactly why, but I can tell you a little about it. I am getting to the point where I am feeling better about myself, the way I look, and how I wouldn't mind if others felt good about it also. I started to think about dating. I haven't been on an actual date in AGES (ok, almost 2 years)! The problem is that I don't even know where to start. Do I have the time? Do I have the energy? Do I have the will power? I don't know where to meet people, how to throw out availability or even if I'd be able to share my time with a new prospect/interest and my son. What do you do about situations like this?

I would love to have someone to go places with, do things with, laugh with, and have the dating experience, but where does it start? I think I am ready, but how do I really know? Do I have to go back to "kissing the frogs" and not enjoying myself to be able to get to the one that I have a blast with? It's sad to say that I'm 33 years old and I don't even know how to date! Now what? Suggestions?

I'm looking forward to a good week. I hope that I get to hear something, anything about the prospects on my new position at work - if it's going to happen or not. I am ready to not be in limbo. I'm ready to be confident about the future and about where I'm going. We'll see how it works!!!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Sucess of this week!

This week has started my new found intentional exercise regime! I have successfully exercised 4 days this week ( I will exercise tonight and that will be my 4th day). I've been exercising between 25 - 45 minutes each time. It feels good. Though, we are now at the end of the week any my body is facing physical exhaustion. I will press on!

I decided to actually do a Tae-Bo workout last night instead of the elliptical workout I have been doing. I will tell you, it felt good. I thought it was pretty easy. That is until this morning! My shoulders ache, my back aches, and I can't imagine what other pain I will feel as the day goes on. The good news is that it worked muscles that obviously needed work. I will have to add in a few of those workouts a week too. I'll get this down, I just know it.

I also successfully stepped on the Wii Fit today to do my body test and I didn't check the weight. My BMI had shifted slightly, but I avoided the actual weight number. I can do that. Yesterday I didn't. I was up 1.5 pounds. Of course, I attribute this to my new exercise and muscle building - so I'm not going to let it get me down.

I still struggle with the protein intake. This is something that I need to focus on. I need to try harder, get up earlier, figure out how to get it all in. Even if that means I make myself get up an extra 20 minutes earlier to make a cafe au protien! I need to make sure that I have supplies ready and accessible to me. I hope I get to make this a "success" for next week!

I hope to take some pictures this weekend. I would really like to have more of a track record than I have right now. Of course, it would really help if I had a camera! That will have to be one of my next major purchase.

I'm looking forward to a great weekend and more fabulous reports!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

What I'm looking forward to . . .

One would think that since my life and my body is changing, I would be excited about certain things like buying new clothes, going shopping, getting a make over, getting a new hair style, becoming "high maintenance". Well, these things are part of what I'm looking forward to (maybe not the high maintenance part) but there's something that I just can't stop thinking about doing. Getting new underwear, chones, unmentionables. NO JOKE! I want this more than the new pair of jeans or the new dress or cute shirts. I need new underwear!!!!

Maybe this desire has something to do with the understood theory that the "unmentionables" make you feel sexy/good even when they are not seen. Well, in just the reverse, this is true also. When your chones are bunching up and adding a wad of extra material to your crack (and the lovely line that is seen through your clothes) it makes you feel less attractive, less comfortable, and dreaming of the day that you get to purchase undergarments that actually fit!

Now, here's the problem I face . . . I have NO IDEA where to start. I'm not one to "try on" the lovely little undergarments because I wouldn't want someone to have tried them on before me! That is one thing that is not a sharable item of clothing (in my opinion). But all my life I've just guessed at what size to pick and it's always been big (9-10)! Then again, at the LB (Lane Bryant) I always had to go a size or so smaller because they'd be a bit bulky/too big and wouldn't work either. Now, I think the LB size 14/16 are too big. Great news, right? But that also means that all of the others are too big too! Those were the smallest size I had. So, when I venture out of the world of LB chones, what size do I pick? I've always had so many pair of underwear that I never had to think about this stuff. Now I'm down to about 6 or 7 pair that I can actually work with and have to be washing constantly.

The other exciting part of this . . . Could I actually begin to purchase matching sets? I've never been able to fit into the cute little matching sets of unmentionables and now, there's a possibility that I may not be too huge. Am I dreaming? Could this really be happening? Could Heather potentially be wearing cute/sexy/matching undergarments? Oh boy, this is quite a goal and a new found fascination! Now all I need is to win the lottery so I can afford them!!!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

What has gotten into me?

I must admit, things are starting to change around here! I have intentionally and successfully exercised twice this week! That's right! Monday the elliptical trainer and I were together for 25 minutes and Tuesday (yesterday) we were working together for a good 30 minutes! I will say, Tuesday's session was a bit more difficult than the one I experienced on Monday. I think that's because my body is not completely used to vigorous exercise (only the Wii Fit for the last 32 days) and so it's in a bit of a transition and a bit on the tired side. We will overcome!

I still feel pretty good this morning. I had a little bit of trouble getting to sleep last night because the exercise started a bit too late, but I still woke up feeling good this morning. That's something that is exciting about exercise and I look forward to the continual improvement.

My protein intake was a little bit shy yesterday. I really need to focus on getting 65 to 70 grams a day and I only got in about 45 - 50. Progress, right? This is something I may be working on for ever! I need to bust out the magic bullet and get my protein drink on! It's only been a week, but a full week of being protein deficient can be detrimental! I've got goals! I'm not going to get there by slacking off and being deficient!

I'm looking forward to good things today!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A fear . . . Possibly found out!

Let's be honest, I wasn't very open with people about my having surgery. At first, I was afraid of what people thought of me. I was afraid that people would try to talk me out of going through with this surgery because they didn't approve. I was at my "wits end" and I saw no other way out. I even told myself (who was skeptical from the beginning) that I'd just check it out and see. Then, when I knew it was something that would help change my life and I knew that it was something I wanted to do, I would tell people, "Well, let's see what insurance says". Then, I was justified in going through with it because "insurance" said I needed it. All the while, I knew that this was the only thing that would save my life. I had HONESTLY tried everything I could think of, like so many others, and yet, no change. This was my change!

What got me to thinking about this was a discussion I just had with a co-worker. I wasn't upfront or open with anyone about my going through with surgery (except my boss, whom I told with great reservation). Then, after surgery, I wasn't very open either. At that point, I believe it was because I didn't feel good. I wasn't happy with my decision and I didn't want to have people using the "oh, you should've asked me, I would've told you" line. Well, after I started to feel better and really become one with my new lifestyle (thanks in much part to Obesity Help and my cyber friends/faithful bloggers) I wasn't so embarrassed about it. Now, I still wasn't shouting from the rooftops that I had undergone major surgery to assist in my troubles with obesity, but I wasn't so shy about sharing the surgery. This co-worker I was speaking of earlier has asked me several times to share with her my diet tips. She says she's noticing a dramatic change and she wants to know how to get there for herself. This person is no where near where I was as far as obese, and there's a part of me that thought (at the time) that she wouldn't quite understand what or why I did it. So, typically, when she asks me what I'm doing I'd say something silly like, "you don't want to know - it's not easy" or "I only eat small amounts and I exercise, but it's not easy" and other things similar.

Well, today, I was asked again. This time she said, "Really, you have to tell me what it is. I am really curious to see what works so well." So, I shared. I shared with confidence knowing that I made the best decision for me and I'm really happy with my lifestyle. I also shared that it's not the easy way out and regardless of surgery, it's diet and exercise that make the differences. She seemed supportive and said that she might share the idea of surgery/information with a couple of her family members that are in the same boat as I was. I let her know that I'd gladly share information with them if she liked.

As I walked away from her desk I got a little bit nervous. Then, I realized (or I think I realized) why I'm so reluctant to share. In my head, it's just like every other diet I've tried. I'm afraid to tell anyone what I'm doing for fear of failing and them looking at me thinking that nothing will work. I was afraid of failing even the drastic measure of surgery. I had that awful feeling for a little bit and then I calmed myself down. I'm not going to fail! I'm making this work. I so want to be the success story and I will! I can conquer this fear and I can freely share the changes in my lifestyle, regimes, and my body. I can be confident in my new found freedom to be Me! The old me and a new me - all wrapped into one!

I don't want to be insecure about the decisions I make and I don't want to be insecure about dieting anymore. As we've all heard, "It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change". Well, mine is a lifestyle change (along with the switching around of my innards). And I am embracing this change with the big ol' (morbidly obese) bear hug and I will squeeze until that BMI is normal!!!

Exercise helps. Who knew?

Yes folks! It's true! Exercise can really have a positive outcome/result when it comes to relations with the scale! I'm not saying that the exercise was the only contribution to my friendly meeting with the scale today, but it certainly didn't hurt!

So, let's do a bit of catch up. We had a busy weekend. Spent the day with family at Roding (sp?) park in Fresno and had a great time. Then we came home and I made a fabulous Greek layered chicken casserole that my cyber friend "Eggface" had posted. YUM! YUM! YUM! It was fabulous.

On Sunday, we had a little Wii Fit off - the family all came together to see who could be who (or get #1 spot) on the different games. It was fun.

Sunday afternoon, once we got home, was when everything seemed to go haywire. I went to turn on my desktop computer and NOTHING. No, really, it sounded like it was on, it looked like the tower was on, but no monitor, no mouse, no response. I unplugged it, plugged it back in, did all sorts of trouble shooting, Nothing! I think I may have lost my computer. ICK!!!! That had some good stuff on it. I don't know why I have to be an idiot and not back it up like suggested. I suck! From that point on in the afternoon, it seemed like everything just crumbled. I was anxious to get to bed and hopefully start over!

So, Monday, I was looking forward to (sort of). My son and I had dentist appointments (in Fresno). So, I had to take a half day at work and get in to pick Jacob up early. We had a bit of a rough spot because, naturally, this kid was SCARED to see the dentist. Through a little poking/prodding, we convinced Jacob to just chill and see - when the dentist was done all Jacob could say was, "That's it? That was easy!" Now, why don't they give it a shot before all of the kicking and screaming? I guess they need to make us suffer a little bit before they allow us to believe they are "good" at things?

Well, after that ordeal and a little bit of rest, I got up the courage and energy to have a little one - on - one time with the elliptical trainer. Let's be honest, we don't always get along. But I had worked hard this weekend at convincing myself that the exercise was going to happen. I even got my iPod all charged up and loaded some new stuff so I would have no excuses. So, of course I was going to do it (even though I didn't really want to). And that's what I did.

Here's where the fun came in. It didn't hurt! Not only did it not hurt, the machine didn't squeal (in agony) from me being on it. I haven't been on this machine in about 62 pounds and I really think the machine is grateful. I know they put weight limits on these things, but if they don't want someone over 250 lbs on it, how are we going to get under 250 lbs? Well, I think (even though machines don't have feelings) my machine was happy that I had lost some weight. There was no squeaking/squealing/moaning of the machine. In fact, there was no squeaking/squealing/moaning by me either. Serious! I started with only 25 minutes because I didn't want to keel over in exhaustion, but I could've gone for 40! It felt great!!!! I was so excited! So excited, in fact, that tonight, we're going for 30 minutes! I think I've got a great future of health and exercise ahead of me!

To top it off, I was down on the scale today (I've just got to figure out how to update/change my tracker). So, all in all, it's been a good experiment and now, we're on to bigger and better things. I feel good, I slept good, I'm looking forward to great improvements. More exercise and hopefully more activity and if all goes well (which is looking good right now), I'll be in "onederland" by my Dr's appointment!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Sucess of the week!

It's true, it's true! For the past two days, I have NOT stepped on the scale (or the Wii Fit for that matter). I'm not saying that this is an entirely good "success" but I can say that's it's taken my focus off of the scale - a little bit. The last two times I had been on the scale, my weight was up by .2 or .4 pounds. I know, I know, that's not much. We WLSers typically have some stalls and even slight increases, but that gets a little discouraging. I've tried to tell myself that I won't check the actual "weight" on the Wii fit, but some how, I find myself pushing that button as if it's an automatic response. Well, I decided that maybe not getting on it was going to be the best thing for a couple of days until I could really not worry about what that number says until Tuesdays (my weigh accounting day). So, anyway, I don't know exactly how much I weigh today and I'm OK with that. I think I may be growing up a little!

The other success I've had this week is with water! I'm drinking more water! Yeehaw!! This is a good thing for me because I've struggled with getting the water in SINCE May 22, 2008! But I think I'm getting better, this makes me happy. What doesn't make me happy (which coincides with the extra water) is that NOW, for the past 3 nights, I've had to wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom! That is NOT me! The only other time, in my life, that I've consistently had to wake up in the middle of the night to use the facilities was when I was prego! So, it feels good to get the water in, but it doesn't feel good to get up at unGodly hours to get the water out!

Next, I went grocery shopping last night. I bought things to make some yummy recipes that were posted by my cyber-friend ( - she's amazing and so are her recipes. I've got at least three to make this weekend! YIPEE!!!

And the last big success of the week (so far), I got my iPod all charged and ready to go for my new found exercise regime (that hasn't yet started but will be my success for next week)! I'm super duper excited. I downloaded some "workout mixes" from The Biggest Loser website (I love that show) and from another fitness guru. Hopefully the fresh, new, hip, high energy music will go right to my thighs (or take away from them). I'm excited. I even brought the iPod to work today to "test" out the new tunes. Can't wait to get started! I WILL be posting the success of exercise next week. I'm determined!

I look forward to an exciting, adventurous weekend of finding more and more successes on my journey. I can't wait to share!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

I'm jealous!

There! I've said it. I'm jealous! No really, I'm jealous of so many things. I am jealous of people that can drink coffee. I LOVED my morning coffee, that is until my surgeon went in an rearranged my insides. I still love the idea of coffee. I'll even make myself a cup, but I rarely finish it (or even come close). It's just not the same anymore. Maybe this will change over the next few months (especially as the days get colder) but for now, it doesn't bring me the joy that I want it to.

I'm jealous of those that are surrounded by friends and social activities. That used to be me. I used to have something going on every night of the week - or at least I had the options. Now, the only plans I have include making dinner, doing homework and catching up on DVR stuff. I rarely get out anymore and that's not me! I want to be social again. I just don't exactly know where to go or how to go about it - any suggestions? I miss my friends.

I'm jealous of people that have successful relationships/partnerships. I've had very few relationships and those that I did have didn't turn out very well. This makes me question my ability to be in a relationship. Is it because I don't get offers or get asked out? Is it true that I make a better friend than a girlfriend? Is it that I'm too independent and intimidating? Am I my own worst enemy? Maybe it's been my own self esteem and the way that I think others should view me. If that's the case, will this change with my ever changing body and new outlook on life?

I am jealous of the fellow WLSers that lose 100lbs in 6 months (a little dramatic) and make it look easy. My progress is not that fast. Honestly, I don't know if I do want it to be that fast - I can barely accept how fast it is now. But wouldn't it be great to already be at goal? I know, I know, everyone is different. It just makes me think about how great it will be to get there and I'm jealous that they beat me there already!

I'm jealous of people that can manage their money. I keep thinking that I can manage money and that I'll make it, then something silly happens or I have the urge to get out and spend money and there goes the finances. You wouldn't think it was so hard to not spend money when you don't have it, but I am successful at trying to. Sure, I pay for it later and it all works out eventually, but I've still got the "I'm broke" sign hanging over my head. I'm hoping to grow up and get rid of that sign to replace it with the sign that says, "I'm responsible".

Jealousy is not a good thing, but that doesn't mean we don't have feelings of jealousy. I don't think my feelings of jealousy hinder my will or desire to live life to the fullest, but they do make me think about how I can get the things that I really want. Maybe the jealousy is a driving force? Maybe it's a good thing that I'm jealous - will it make me strive for more? I just need a little more. I can do this.

Now I need to be jealous of the people that work out 2 - 3 hours a day and love it, crave it, want more of it! Ok, Ok, I am jealous of them too!!!!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

There's a hole in my cup!

No, really. Every morning I fill a 32 ounce styrofoam (even though I shouldn't use styrofoam because it's not eco-friendly) cup with ice and water. I struggle with getting in my water everyday, but I have found that if I have it in a styrofoam cut with lots of ice (which makes it really cold) that it's easier for me to drink and drink a lot of. Then, I just keep adding ice ALL day long and I feel like I have what I need to get all of the fluid in. Well, this morning, I did exactly what I do every morning. I filled the cup with ice and a bottle of Aquafina (do I get paid for this advertisement?) and off I went. Well, I have a 35 - 40 minute drive to get to work in the morning. I may have taken a couple of sips on my way into work, but I didn't notice a thing. It wasn't until I got to work that it appeared that my cup had sprung a leak. WHAT? Aren't these cups supposed to be fool proof? Well, they aren't. So, I tried to hold the hole with my finger. It worked, but I couldn't do that all day. So, then I went to put tape over the hole. That didn't work because now the tape was all wet. So, I decided to dry the hole and go through styrofoam triage. It worked! Yahoo. Well, it worked for about 30 minutes. Now I've got water leaking through the hole, through the tape, and now dripping into my coaster. Thank goodness I have a coaster!! Do you think it will hold all 32 ounces of my water?

So, today has started off in a decent fashion. I believe I'm finally getting caught up from the exhaustion of the weekend. I guess that's a good thing - but it took until Wednesday? I did really well with the protein over the weekend - even while traveling, but since I've been back, I haven't done so well. I am determined to have one of those yummy chocolate peanut butter smoothies tonight to keep me going. I have definitely found that when I'm lacking in the protein and water areas, my scale and I don't get along. I have big goals. I'll have an appointment with my surgeon in about a month and I want to be in "onederland" by that time. I'm close, but if I don't focus, I will lose out. Now, if only I had 9 hours a day to work out, like the biggest losers, I would be on top of the world. Maybe I should start with actually dedicating ONE full hour to exercise. That is on my list and needs to be accomplished ASAP! At least I'm consistent and improving on the Wii Fit! I'm getting younger and younger by the day!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Things I miss . . .

So, I was sharing my grouchy grumpiness with my sister. My sister (one of them) moved to NYC about a year and a half ago. She has missed a lot of the good, the bad, and the ugly that goes on around here. I miss her dearly! Anyway, we were discussing grouchy me and she sent me this . . .

How in the world can I continue to be grouchy when my lovely sister sends her "Calgon Take Me Away" pic? I miss her dearly and I'm ready for her to come home!!!! Isn't she cute??

Can you have a case of the "Mondays" on Tuesday?

This morning has been a bit of a challenge. I find myself being in an "off" sort of mood. I don't like it. I like to be happy, cheery, playful, and easy going. I do not feel like this today. I feel like I need to keep my distance because I may be at a "close to explosion" point today and I would hate to blow just because someone said the wrong thing and I'm at the point of no return. I will try to keep this all in perspective today and push on through.

I actually should be quite happy today. I wish I would allow myself this joy. I have been following up and reading the blogs of other WLS bloggers. I must say, I don't comment a lot, but I love feeling like I am going through the journey with them. I am a recent surgery recipient (May/2008) and I gain a LOT from others that have been going through this for years. The good thing is that the long time surgery bloggers offer such great stories and encouragement. I've heard so many times about people that have lost 100 + pounds and unfortunately crawled back up on the scale. I'm so dedicated to NOT be that person. I made this decision to change my life, not to change the next couple of years. I am in this permanently! Of course, I get discouraged when the scale doesn't move, but it's all about long term - right?

Speaking of my change . . . I have officially lost 62 lbs! I am 47 pounds away from the "weight goal" I have set for myself. Let's be honest, this is not the "ideal weight" that those doctors have set (do people ever really get to ideal?), but it's a personal goal because I've never in my life weighed 160. In fact, the smallest I've ever been in my adult life is 185lbs! I can't wait to see what 180 feels like, then 170, and of course, 160! It's so exciting. For a little while I thought I wouldn't get under 200. Sure, I'm not there yet, but I know that I'm on the right track and that glorious "onederland" should be right around the corner for me! YIPEE!

See, the venting has helped this grouch already! I just need to stay positive and focus on the good things in life and the good changes in me. I'm expecting to have a good outcome for the day!

Monday, October 6, 2008

A Disneyland adventure!

We did it!!! We took a trip to Disneyland and Jacob actually seemed to have been there for the very first time! It was great. He was such a trooper. He went on Space Mountain (and hated it), Star Tours, Indiana Jones (hated it), Pirates of the Carribean, and his favorite of all . . . Big Thunder Mountain Railroad! We went on that ride 3 times!!! What made me so happy was that he at least tried them before he said he'd never go on them again. I bet, if he tried it again (now knowing what it's like and what to expect), he'd probably love it!

I must be honest. I was a little bit nervous about the trip due to my newly acquired eating regime, but things went pretty well. I was able to hit the Starbucks (in our hotel) every morning and make sure I had my protein in for the day (or at least a good chunk of it). Their Vivanno drink is actually pretty good for a protein shake. Sure, my protein shakes at home are much, much better, but as I often say . . . "Desperate times call for desperate measures". I did attempt to indulge a little in some "snacky" items, but I really wasn't interested - Hallelujiah!!!

I will say I had a fun "wow" moment. It's interesting because I'm just now getting these - but I'm having a blast realizing it! So, the sweatshirt I was wearing was an Extra Large. Not a 1X, not a 2X, but a normal person's Extra Large. In fact, the new T-shirts that I bought to wear over the weekend were Extra Larges too! It's been years since I've been able to wear an extra large anything. Could this mean that some day I may actually wear a Large? I can't imagine ever being in a medium, but I'll take a large any day of the week!

I am having a blast figuring out all of the new things I can try and experiment with. This journey is getting to be more fun as the days go by. The Wii Fit is starting to question my rapid goal achieving yet I love getting to my goal ahead of time! Tonight's goal/challenge is to do 30 minutes of cardio exercise. Whether that be an aerobics tape, elliptical trainer or just taking a walk, I'm going to do it!

Every day is one step closer to the new, healthier, happier Me!

Friday, October 3, 2008

It's about time . . .

As we enter into the "oh so" technical age, I have decided to join the "techie" group and have a blog of my very own. I'm incredibly good at lurking on others blogspots, blog posts, and other ramblings. I say that I lurk because I rarely comment and don't really let others know how much I follow along, but I do get a LOT out of them all and I love to read them. It's like you get a little bit of insight out of what others are experiencing and we feel not so alone, even if our lives and journeys are completely different. This is why I have decided to create my own life story through the wonderful world of blogging! What a great way to express my feelings, my experience, my adventures, my "roller coasters" and let them be shared at the leisure of others. Don't we love the technical age? Brace yourselves, this could be a wild ride!!!

Here's to the beginnings of a wonderful blogging adventure!!