Thursday, October 9, 2008

I'm jealous!

There! I've said it. I'm jealous! No really, I'm jealous of so many things. I am jealous of people that can drink coffee. I LOVED my morning coffee, that is until my surgeon went in an rearranged my insides. I still love the idea of coffee. I'll even make myself a cup, but I rarely finish it (or even come close). It's just not the same anymore. Maybe this will change over the next few months (especially as the days get colder) but for now, it doesn't bring me the joy that I want it to.

I'm jealous of those that are surrounded by friends and social activities. That used to be me. I used to have something going on every night of the week - or at least I had the options. Now, the only plans I have include making dinner, doing homework and catching up on DVR stuff. I rarely get out anymore and that's not me! I want to be social again. I just don't exactly know where to go or how to go about it - any suggestions? I miss my friends.

I'm jealous of people that have successful relationships/partnerships. I've had very few relationships and those that I did have didn't turn out very well. This makes me question my ability to be in a relationship. Is it because I don't get offers or get asked out? Is it true that I make a better friend than a girlfriend? Is it that I'm too independent and intimidating? Am I my own worst enemy? Maybe it's been my own self esteem and the way that I think others should view me. If that's the case, will this change with my ever changing body and new outlook on life?

I am jealous of the fellow WLSers that lose 100lbs in 6 months (a little dramatic) and make it look easy. My progress is not that fast. Honestly, I don't know if I do want it to be that fast - I can barely accept how fast it is now. But wouldn't it be great to already be at goal? I know, I know, everyone is different. It just makes me think about how great it will be to get there and I'm jealous that they beat me there already!

I'm jealous of people that can manage their money. I keep thinking that I can manage money and that I'll make it, then something silly happens or I have the urge to get out and spend money and there goes the finances. You wouldn't think it was so hard to not spend money when you don't have it, but I am successful at trying to. Sure, I pay for it later and it all works out eventually, but I've still got the "I'm broke" sign hanging over my head. I'm hoping to grow up and get rid of that sign to replace it with the sign that says, "I'm responsible".

Jealousy is not a good thing, but that doesn't mean we don't have feelings of jealousy. I don't think my feelings of jealousy hinder my will or desire to live life to the fullest, but they do make me think about how I can get the things that I really want. Maybe the jealousy is a driving force? Maybe it's a good thing that I'm jealous - will it make me strive for more? I just need a little more. I can do this.

Now I need to be jealous of the people that work out 2 - 3 hours a day and love it, crave it, want more of it! Ok, Ok, I am jealous of them too!!!!


Michele Elaine said...

I have some M&M's if you want one! They are the peanut butter kind.
Mmmmm... I think they must have some protein, right?

Heather said...

Oh great! Now I'm jealous of your PB M & M's! :-) I love you! You sure know how to cheer me up! :-)

Sheila said...

Jealousy is a tough one... sometimes it helps to concentrate on what you have rather than what you haven't, but you know you are right... we all get jealousy at one time or another. I want some PB M&M's too! Love, Love, Love ya!