Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A fear . . . Possibly found out!

Let's be honest, I wasn't very open with people about my having surgery. At first, I was afraid of what people thought of me. I was afraid that people would try to talk me out of going through with this surgery because they didn't approve. I was at my "wits end" and I saw no other way out. I even told myself (who was skeptical from the beginning) that I'd just check it out and see. Then, when I knew it was something that would help change my life and I knew that it was something I wanted to do, I would tell people, "Well, let's see what insurance says". Then, I was justified in going through with it because "insurance" said I needed it. All the while, I knew that this was the only thing that would save my life. I had HONESTLY tried everything I could think of, like so many others, and yet, no change. This was my change!

What got me to thinking about this was a discussion I just had with a co-worker. I wasn't upfront or open with anyone about my going through with surgery (except my boss, whom I told with great reservation). Then, after surgery, I wasn't very open either. At that point, I believe it was because I didn't feel good. I wasn't happy with my decision and I didn't want to have people using the "oh, you should've asked me, I would've told you" line. Well, after I started to feel better and really become one with my new lifestyle (thanks in much part to Obesity Help and my cyber friends/faithful bloggers) I wasn't so embarrassed about it. Now, I still wasn't shouting from the rooftops that I had undergone major surgery to assist in my troubles with obesity, but I wasn't so shy about sharing the surgery. This co-worker I was speaking of earlier has asked me several times to share with her my diet tips. She says she's noticing a dramatic change and she wants to know how to get there for herself. This person is no where near where I was as far as obese, and there's a part of me that thought (at the time) that she wouldn't quite understand what or why I did it. So, typically, when she asks me what I'm doing I'd say something silly like, "you don't want to know - it's not easy" or "I only eat small amounts and I exercise, but it's not easy" and other things similar.

Well, today, I was asked again. This time she said, "Really, you have to tell me what it is. I am really curious to see what works so well." So, I shared. I shared with confidence knowing that I made the best decision for me and I'm really happy with my lifestyle. I also shared that it's not the easy way out and regardless of surgery, it's diet and exercise that make the differences. She seemed supportive and said that she might share the idea of surgery/information with a couple of her family members that are in the same boat as I was. I let her know that I'd gladly share information with them if she liked.

As I walked away from her desk I got a little bit nervous. Then, I realized (or I think I realized) why I'm so reluctant to share. In my head, it's just like every other diet I've tried. I'm afraid to tell anyone what I'm doing for fear of failing and them looking at me thinking that nothing will work. I was afraid of failing even the drastic measure of surgery. I had that awful feeling for a little bit and then I calmed myself down. I'm not going to fail! I'm making this work. I so want to be the success story and I will! I can conquer this fear and I can freely share the changes in my lifestyle, regimes, and my body. I can be confident in my new found freedom to be Me! The old me and a new me - all wrapped into one!

I don't want to be insecure about the decisions I make and I don't want to be insecure about dieting anymore. As we've all heard, "It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change". Well, mine is a lifestyle change (along with the switching around of my innards). And I am embracing this change with the big ol' (morbidly obese) bear hug and I will squeeze until that BMI is normal!!!

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