I feel like I've been waiting for this day to come all week long! On Monday, I was wishing it was Friday already. And now . . . it's here. Whatever will I do with it?
I will take this day while "jumping for joy" that I don't have to be back at work tomorrow!!!! Yeehaw! Not to mention I have an appointment to get my hair cut and colored tonight. I'm super excited about it. My hair will be cute again!
So, I have a little story. I'm gonna ramble and it may get ugly, but I'm going to let it out anyway. I'm a little torn and don't really know why. If you read the blog, you know that I've been struggling to get to where I can say, "I've lost 100 lbs". Honestly, I thought I had given up. There's seriously a part of me that has been sitting back saying, "It's not going to happen, you're just supposed to be bigger." And, I've believed it. So, I kind of resolved (with myself) that my goal should be 170. But there's a part of me that wasn't completely ready to give that up either.
I typically weigh myself on Tuesdays. I'm not normally tempted to weigh any other day. But for some reason, I was yesterday. So, I got on the scale and I saw it. Yes sir, the scale said, "169". Not even a smidge extra (no - .2 or .5 or .75), it was right on (almost a little lower). I stood there in shock. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know if I should be excited or share or anything. So, what did I do? I went on with my day and acted like it didn't happen. Why would I rob myself of a celebration when that's what I have been working so hard to get to? I kept telling myself that I shouldn't have weighed. It was Thursday and I can't really count it until Tuesday. But there's a part of me that afraid that the number will change and I won't be able to claim it on Tuesday. That's why I couldn't count it or be excited about it or even be thrilled that it was below 170 - even once!
Finally, when my family and I sat down for dinner, I asked the question, "Did anyone weigh today?" I live in a house where we all struggle with weight and we're all working toward a goal of getting healthier, so I knew someone would've weighed. I wanted to find out if anyone else had success because I wanted to celebrate something, but for some reason didn't feel like my celebration was worthy. Sure enough, my sister had weighed (and was down a total of 11.5 lbs -YAHOO) and she even noticed that I had reached that "goal" that I had been pushing for. I didn't know what to say. I knew I wanted to be able to appreciate that number I saw. But I still didn't. It was strange.
My mother asked me, "so how does it feel to have lost 100lbs?" I responded with, "The same as it did at 99lbs."
I don't completely know what's going on in my head. I don't even know what to do about it. But I wanted to get it off my chest. I should probably make an appointment with the therapist! I want to feel good about the progress. I want to feel successful. But for some reason - even though I see it - I don't believe it. I guess I never really thought that I would succeed - even though I've sworn to everyone that I could and that I will. I still don't believe it. I think that there's a part of me that is afraid that once I get to "goal" I will not have anything to work so hard for. Even though I know that maintenance will be even HARDER than this past transition.
So, right now, I'm claiming it! I have OFFICIALLY lost 100 lbs!!!!! I am OFFICIALLY 9 lbs away from the original goal set for me at the time of my surgery. I cannot believe it. I don't even know what to do with it, but I am going to accept it! Once I get to the next goal, I get to re-evaluate and decide what the other goals should be. I just need to be able to accept them when I get there.
So, this weekend, I think my cute little haircut and I are going to go shopping. I HATE shopping, I do, I do, but I do need some things and I think I'm going to try to enjoy the experience and the idea of a reward. Besides, I haven't taken pictures in forever, so it's about time I get some updates going. Anyone want to join me? Let's celebrate!