So, I mentioned in my post yesterday that I had learned a few things about myself. One of the more major things that I learned about myself is how I've always seemed to avoid attention - necessary attention or not. I was always the "chubby" girl so I didn't get a whole lot of attention from a lot of people - especially of the male persuasion - and I was ok with this. I probably used that layer of excess to hide myself from having to be noticed and approached. That was also how I justified not getting the attention - the idea that "I'm fat, nobody will be interested in me". Yep, that's exactly what I did.
Well, this past weekend forced me to realize that I am now getting more attention than I'm used to and I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't have as much of the "protective" layer anymore and so I can't use it as my excuse to run and hide or convince people that they shouldn't be interested in me. Now, I have to face it. But how? How can we not be the "chubby" girl, when that's all we know? How can we believe that what the other person is seeing isn't necessarily what we see (or think we see)?
This past weekend I was approached by a few gentlemen (at various times). They were, clearly, trying to flirt but I diverted them to "the cute girls at the end of the bar". And yes, I did use those exact words. It's not that I don't believe that I'm cute or worth being flirted with, I just don't believe that they would want to be flirting with me. So, I sent them on.
Then, one persistent (and quite cute) fellow kept trying. And because he was NOT giving up, I allowed myself to flirt back. That, in turn, brought on vulnerability because he was "cute" and he liked me. This is something that I'm completely not used to. The problem was, that I wanted more interaction/flirting/attention. Yet, I knew that this little flirting session wasn't going to go anywhere because 1) we were on a cruise ship 2) he was not from the USA 3) I don't know that I believed what he was saying about me. But maybe that was because I didn't believe it myself? I'm not gonna lie, it was sure fun getting the attention. And, it made me want to spend all sorts of time with him so that he would keep telling me things and I might even have started to believe it. Of course, that didn't happen - I barely saw him after that evening, but it was still fun.
This brought me to a few questions and struggles in my current (not as chubby) world. How do I prevent myself from being vulnerable and possibly "settle" just because I may be getting extra attention? I'm still the same person as I was 96 pounds ago, why do I let my guard down so much more quickly than I did when I did have the protective layer? How do I know when someone is being genuine about wanting to "get to know me"? How do I know that these guys really are interested? How can I stop feeling so insecure about meeting people and dating relationships? Just because I have been unsuccessful in the past, doesn't mean that there's no success for my relationships of the future. Right?
I know that this is a big rambling session. I know that I need to find the answers to these questions for myself. I just needed an outlet and/or a sounding board so that I can really be open and aware of the struggles and insecurities I face. Maybe just getting it off my chest will open new ideas and avenues so that I can answer these questions?
Talk about laying it all out there! Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to throw a pitty party or anything, I just need to sort out the true thoughts in my head so I can get the negativity out of it and bring in some positive thoughts and directions. I felt it necessary and I actually feel better just having vented a bit. Now, I guess I have some questions to answer! My therapist is going to love this one! :-)
2 days ago