25 Things about me!

On my "Facebook" account I was tagged with a challenge to list 25 things about me. I don't always like to share everything about my WLS experiences with everyone so I kept most of those points out of my response. So, I thought I would use this post to explore the 25 things that come to my mind about where I really am and where I am going. It's actually a fun exercise, maybe you should try it too.
These are in no particular order, so here I go!

1. I am healthier today that I have been all my life.
2. I have lost 89 pounds
3. I am 20 pounds away from my goal
4. I enjoy exercising, probably because it doesn't hurt like it used to.
5. I want to work out with weights but I am afraid to join a gym because I'm afraid I won't go (that's what's happened in the past).
6. In an effort to not sound like Susan Powter - my legs don't touch anymore. That has never happened to me before.
7. My son says I should be on "The Biggest Loser" so he's going to get me the Wii Fit Jillian game instead.
8. I still try to eat things that I'm not supposed to and know I shouldn't. Sometimes I get sick, sometimes I don't.
9. I wish I could control my "head hunger".
10. I am afraid that the weight loss will stop before I'm ready for it to be over.
11. When I look in the mirror, I still see the "old" Heather.
12. I so want to buy new clothes and shoes but I don't have the money and I'm afraid to settle into a certain size when I know that I've still got 20 pounds to lose.
13. Even though my goal is to weigh 160 lbs, I still want to know what it's like to weigh 150.
14. I sometimes see pictures of myself (today) and I don't even recognize me.
15. I feel better about myself than I have in 8 years.
16. I sometimes am still afraid that I won't fit in the seats at the movie theater and am completely shocked when the arms don't even touch me!
17. I cross my legs all of the time (even when my legs fall asleep)- because I couldn't do that before.
18. I want to be more social.
19. I don't "love" going grocery shopping anymore because I can't eat all of the food that I "think" I can.
20. I still convince people to get more food than they should because I think I'll be eating more thank I really can.
21. I want to go to a clothing store and take pictures of me trying on all sorts of clothes that I wouldn't have normally worn just to see what they would look like.
22. I want to buy a sexy red dress and wear it out for a night on the town, just for fun.
23. I hate that I have "bat wings" but I love that my arms are getting smaller.
24. I am losing my "chest" and it makes me want to have plastic surgery.
25. I am excited about finding my "new" self!

Thanks! I needed that! :-)

The land of frogs and Princes

That's right! I'm talking about dating, again!

I got a call from a friend of mine the other night and he let me know he's ventured into the land of online dating. Is it really a bad place? Maybe. Anyway, it got me thinking about my current situation, including my whole dis-like for the dating world. He chose to go with a different online company than I did, and I thought maybe I should explore more options as well. So, yesterday, I did just that. I checked out the site - http://www.chemistry.com/. Fortunately for me, they were offering a "free" trial period. I have already been matched up with around 10 people. Sure, most of them won't stick, but some actually appear appealing. Apparently this is a division of Match.com but they have some scientific/personality way of matching people up. We'll see how well this works for us.

Anyway, this whole thing brought on a new question. What is your body type? What is any body's body type. I know that in the past I've never wanted to share this, but in an effort to be honest, I always picked the "more to love" option (could be more than a 5 year old, could be more than a sumo wrestler - beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?). I hate the idea of "big and beautiful" because when I'm big - I'm not beautiful to me so I can't imagine I'd be beautiful to anyone else either (yes, self-image issues are all over the place with me). Now, I'm nearly 90 pounds less than my former self and I still don't know what my body type would be. We are given options like; "average", "stocky", "full-figured", "athletic", "curvy", "a few extra pounds" and a couple of others. My question is . . . according to whom? Is this based on my idea of average? Is it based on what really is average? What is a "few extra pounds"? Would that be the 20 that I have left over or are we talking 10 extra or 50 extra? Couldn't someone be athletic and still be over 200lbs? Would that give the wrong message to someone else even if it were true? These types/titles seem so ambiguous that I'm not sure anyone would be able to answer these correctly. Does it really matter? So, how do you weed out the superficial blokes and get to the bottom of compatibility/companionship/someone to have a good time with? Am I just disliking this because I've been faced with this problem all of my life and I'm trying to find another excuse to fail in the dating world?

I'm feeling better about myself and about my health. I'm ready to get out and meet people, have a good time, and experience the life I've been hiding from. Maybe I'm going about this dating/socializing thing all wrong. What would you do?

Speak it and it happens!

Again with the drama! So, after my post from yesterday, I have been able to remember vitamins today, my son's share day toy, and even to call a someone that I have been accidentally avoiding. Is that all it takes? Just write about my frustration with the memory and then it comes back? I even forgot to set an alarm on my phone to remind me, but I remembered anyway. Impressive!

This week is going pretty well. I'm a little bit behind on my goals for the week but I still have today, tomorrow, and Sunday! I've knocked out one elliptical session on Wednesday(another scheduled for tonight and then the 3rd for tomorrow) and 2 WiiFit sessions (yeah! One accomplishment down)! All this with a sick kid and a mid-week trip out of town to see a friend. I think I'm doing ok.

Do you think they took a part of my brain too?

I can't help but notice that I've been incredibly forgetful lately. Could it be surgery related? Ok, Ok, I'm being a little bit dramatic, but I don't remember being this forgetful pre-WLS.

Last week, I ran out of the vitamins that I keep at the office. I keep them here so I won't have to remember to bring them daily (not that I could remember). So, last Friday I tried to give myself a mental reminder to bring another bottle so I'll be vitamined through out the day. It's now THURSDAY and I still can't remember to bring them. Sure, I think about it EVERY DAY and yet, I leave the house vitaminless. It's not that big of a problem, but I then have to remember to take them when I get home so I am not deficient. It's just an annoyance.

It's not only vitamins. My Mom tried to get me to sign up for our cruise's "Fun Pass" about 3 times and I kept forgetting (as if she had never mentioned it at all). I finally got it all completed. Now, I just hope I don't forget that we're going on a cruise! That would be bad.

I can't be the only one that has memory problems, right? Is it just that I've hit "that age"? Could it really be something that happened since surgery? Will I get it back? What's that memory drug that's supposed to help? It's a bit frustrating.

On a good note, I hit the elliptical last night and WORKED MY TAIL OFF!!! It felt good, naturally, but it took getting over the sweat pouring down my body. Boy, did I sleep well last night!!! Two more sessions to go to make this a successful week. I'm on my way!

Is it time? A weigh in update.

It's Tuesday and that means I stepped on the Wii Fit this morning to have my weekly weigh in update. There I stood, not meeting my goal of losing 2 lbs in 2 weeks. Sad was I. The good news is that I am at 180. Not 180.5, not 180.25, but 180. So, this means, that if I lose ANYTHING at all I will be in the 170s - which is territory never seen since my days in elementary school. Can you believe that?

So, I'm not going to lie, I was disappointed. I had made some positive changes last week by exercising and even bringing back the protein shakes into my diet (something I've let slip that I shouldn't have). I'm not saying that I'm not happy about where I am, but I'd just be a little happier to see changes. I'm not ready for it all to stop as it does for so many people. I have goals, I have things I need to achieve and I need to be reinforced (see progress) to get me there. I will keep on and push through. I will succeed.

This week, I plan to kick up the exercise. I will be on the elliptical at least 3 times this week(for intentional exercise) and I will get on the Wii Fit for at least two exercise sessions. I will consume a protein shake after my workout to get the required amount of protein in. And I will have a positive attitude about it all.

Here's to getting to the 170s!!!

We have success . . .

Well, at least a little. This week I have successfully completed 2 elliptical workouts and one Wii Fit workout. Yes, that's still a little light, but it does give me something to work towards.

Yesterday, there was a big part of me that wanted to get on the elliptical again, but there was a bigger, more emotional, part of me that decided to take a rest. So, I took my (soon to be 6 year old) son to Target to pick out some Birthday wishes for himself. It was good for us. It felt like quality time even though we were looking at things. It was a good moment to share.

I will say, with the added exercise, I'm getting more of the "old" habits and ideas creeping in. I have been wanting to snack and eat all day long. Not that I'm hungry. Sure, there's some "head" hunger in there, but I don't believe that I'm really hungry. I'll want/crave something and think I need it SO bad, then I'll get it, take a bit or so and I'm really over it. But then, something else creeps in and I'll cave, but that doesn't do it either. I'm going to have to do some more journaling about my inner self to really see where these issues are coming from.

Fortunately, we'll have a busy weekend with a small Birthday gathering and some good family time that will take my mind off of my emotional issues. I also want to get more exercise in because I know that exercise typically helps my emotional state of mind. Let's hope this weekend proves to be a good one and pulls me out of my funk.

I've got to be in good spirits to celebrate my little muffin's birthday! Where were you 6 years ago Sunday? I was thanking God for my beautiful little muffin! :-)

So, I'm a little late

It has been a crazy week! I've been in training (at work) all week and have had absolutely NO time to even think, let alone writing about the trials and tribulations of my world. Ok, Ok, so I'm being a little bit dramatic, but it has been a little bit on the crazy side.

So, since I didn't post the successes of last week, I'll post those now. I was excited that after my post of motivation, I actually did something about it. I've been exercising! Yes, sir! Last week I met up with my Wii Fit trainer again and had some fun. Then, over the weekend, I moved that lovely little elliptical trainer into my room. Sure, it's quite a tight fit, but I figured that if I saw it in there taking up so much space that I'd get myself on it! Sure enough, it worked!!! I've been doing 30 minute stints on the Elliptical and feeling pretty good about it!

Don't get me wrong, there's still an inner struggle. I'll get on the machine and set it for 30 minutes. At about 5 minutes into the session, I'm convincing myself that 15 minutes will do, then I try to justify that I did 30 minutes yesterday and maybe I only need 20 today, or I'll do 20 now and then do something later. Fortunately, I've hit the 20 minute mark and thought to myself, "this isn't that bad, stop being such a baby" and I continue on to complete the full 30 minute workout. I hate that I have those lazy demons in my head, but they are there. I just have to ward them off with more exercise! Right?? Just wait until I start moving it up to 45 minutes, then an hour - what in the world will they do then???

Now, for the weigh in update, I got on the Wii Fit for my weekly weigh in and body test. I'm glad to report that my Wii Fit age is staying consistently under 30. That's PRETTY amazing, if you asked me. So, maybe there is something of validity in the Wii Fit process? The scale was also reporting a 1 pound loss. I'm not gonna lie, I was a little disappointed. I've lost a mere 3 pounds in the last 4 weeks. I know that my body is trying to catch up. I know that things have to slow down. I'm just not ready. So, I'm combating that with exercise and protein shakes. Let's see how next week's weigh in pans out. Right? I'm not giving up yet!!!

It's been a crazy busy week, but I'm looking forward to it getting better.

When it all comes to a halt . . .

Have you ever been motivated and dedicated to doing something and all of a sudden, it comes to a sudden halt? That's what my day is like. I got to work and have been incredibly motivated and diligent about doing the things that need to get done. I've been making some serious mistakes lately and it's so hard for me to rectify these errors, but today, I was determined to do this. Even though it means that I might get chewed out. I might get reprimanded. I may even have to pay for the penalties, but yet, I let them happen. I'm a little bit disgusted with myself, so I came in today and have been on a path like no other to make things right. Until about lunch time. That's when it all stopped!

I knew I didn't have lunch plans for today so I decided to heat up a frozen item that I had in the freezer here at work along with a few chips I have at my desk to make a meal. Yeah me, right? Dedicated and focused. Well, once I ate, I just didn't feel good. Maybe a bagel dog is not the best option for a post-op-er? Well, now, I can't seem to get myself back into focus and there's still a TON of stuff to be done. Now what do I do?

Well, I answered that question with, "blog about it" of course! I thought that getting this all off my chest would make everything ok. Unfortunately, blogging has NOTHING to do with this icky feeling in my surgically altered state of a stomach. Ewww! Note to self: NO MORE BAGEL DOGS. I, of course, didn't even eat the whole thing. Maybe I should reconsider this as a lunch for my son (who LOVES the bagel dogs).

Other that that, things seem to be going well. I've actually gotten a lot of stuff done at work today. I've taken all of my vitamins (which is more habit now and rarely miss them anymore). I've consumed a LOT of water - which is a huge stretch for me. I used to drink water all of the time. It was easy. But since surgery, I struggle with water. I drink as much as I can and then by around noon time I'm bored with just water so I make iced tea which is a whole lot more fun. But today, I've had a lot of water - and now, I'm on to the tea! :-)

So, enough of the ramblings. I think I'm back to being focused and hopefully on my way to feeling better. I look forward to checking in tomorrow to review all of the successes of my week!

Weigh ins and rewards

Is it Tuesday already? That's exactly what I thought as I was so rudely awakened by my alarm clock. Yep! It sure is and we all know what that means (for me) . . . weigh in day. The day that I get to check and track my progress. Today, I was down 1 pound (currently weighing in at 181.5 - and in a size 12). I'm happy about that pound, but I will say that I miss the weigh ins of December where I was down at least 2 pounds every week (or so it felt). I'd like another big loss, but for now, I will just focus on the task at hand. Being healthy, happy, vitamin taking, exercising, protein counting Me!

So, the idea that I'm getting closer to goals that I have set has got me thinking. I don't have any rewards established! Sure, I have set the goals - most of them have been long term - but now I'm getting closer and closer and I don't know how I'm going to celebrate or reward the time, effort, hard work, and excitement of these milestones. Years ago, when I had decided to change my life and lose weight, I had my sights set on a Tiffany ring. I was going to buy myself this fabulous Tiffany ring as a symbol of my accomplishment. My accomplishment was to get to 185 pounds (I had started at 235) and that would've been the lowest weight I had ever been. I was so excited about this ring and so motivated that I just COULDN'T wait to get there and I couldn't give up! It was such a great reward and a constant reminder of my accomplishment and my attainment of my personal goal. I FINALLY got to break out the ring again a month or so ago and it still reminds me (daily) of that time in my life, the feeling of accomplishment and that dedication.

How do people typically celebrate these things? Sure, I could say that I'll go out and buy a new wardrobe, but that's certainly not realistic (I'm not certain of my final size). I could say that I'll get a massage, pedicure, etc. but does that truly reward the accomplishment or just make me feel pretty? So, I need some ideas. Has anyone out there set goals and rewards for themselves? What did you do? Do you mind sharing?

I want to know what I'm working towards. I want to know what the reward is. I want to KNOW that I can get there. I want to be excited and driven by the thought of the reward. I want to be constantly reminded by it. So, what would you do?

What a WOW weekend!

Yes, it's true. I had a major turning point/"wow" moment this weekend! I actually had quite a weekend of realizations and coming to terms with "me" that made for a very freeing experience. I've been battling with some of my thoughts and emotions for a little while. This weekend I came to the realization that I had set my sights on something that may not be the best thing for me. The good part about this is that I'm ok with this decision. When I came to terms with this realization, I experienced a sort of freedom, confidence, and understanding that there's more out there for me and I am ready to move on. Sure, it could've been a sad moment, but that's not what I wanted it to be, therefore, it wasn't. It was great! I felt like I had a new clarity, I had turned a new leaf, and I was excited about the other leaves I was going to get to turn over!

So, the real "WOW" moment came when I decided that I needed a new pair of jeans. I had decided that I was going to go to a club to watch a friend of mine break out his stand-up routine. Well, I certainly couldn't go in what I had, so I had to borrow a cute shirt and I thought I'd go out and get a pair of jeans that fit me so I'd look good for this occasion.

I decided to go to Kohl's because I know that they have Levi's and those typically look decent on me. So, I went in and gathered up about 7 different styles of Levi's (529, 505, 548, etc.) in a size 14, feeling pretty confident that they would fit. Well, as I was walking away, I saw a size 12 and I thought to myself, "I'm gonna grab this just to see how far I am away from fitting in them". Let's keep in mind, I've never (in my adult life) been a size 12. Maybe 5th grade or so, but definitely not since the teen years. So, even though I thought it was laughable, I brought them with me.

I get to the dressing room and I figured that if I'm going to be depressed by the size 12 then I may as well put them on first so I know how much work I have to put in to get them on. So, I did! Much to my surprise, they came all the way up. Yep! And then, the even bigger surprise was that they buttoned AND zipped without my even sucking in my gut. NO WAY! Are you serious? These must have been miss labeled. A 12???? REALLY??? I almost cried! My poor little 5 year old had no idea what to think of me. I asked him if they looked good and he said, "ummm, I'm going to say YES!" It was cute. It was sweet. And he was just as excited for me as I was. So, I said, "What do I do now? All I brought in were size 14s and these 12s." Jacob so kindly said, "I'll go get you 12s Mom. I think that's what you'll need". What a great kid! So we ventured out and got about 4 styles in the 12s and I walked out with 2 pair of the size 12 Levis and a huge grin on my face. Sure, the grin was mostly in dis-belief, but boy was I grinning! I still don't think they look like size 12 nor do I think I look like I should fit in a size 12, but I'm certainly NOT taking them back!!! :-)

The great thing about this weekend is that I have a new motivation. I am being rewarded for the trials and the hard times I've been dealing with and it's really making me want to work harder and do more. I'm excited to see what else there is in store. What is next? Bring on the WOW moments!!!!!

Success of the year (so far at least) . . .

Yes, there has been success so far this year and I'm happy to share about it!

First, I said I was going to get back on the Wii Fit and I did! I got on this morning for not only a body test, but a few exercises also! I should've stayed on a lot longer, but I was short on time and vowed to hit it up again soon (if not tonight).

Second, I got back into the kitchen this week and have been playing with yummy (and healthy) recipes. Of course, the 5 minute WLS lemon cake I wanted so badly came out so badly so I'll have to attempt that one again with a few revisions. But I've got some plans to do more tonight. Cooking/playing in the kitchen is really therapeutic for me and I'm sad that I don't do more. AT the same time, I hate having leftovers that I can't eat and no one else likes to try. So, I'll do my best to find a happy medium, or a great way to save the good stuff.

Third, I went on a rampage last night. Sadly, I didn't finish any of the four projects I started, but they were started AND will be finished this weekend. One of those projects (along with the Christmas tree tear down and the cleaning up of the little one's room) was cleaning out my closet. I had 4 full garbage bags worth of clothes that I will not be wearing again. I had NO idea that I had so many clothes - mostly because I never fit into them or planned to and passed them up. In fact, there was one pair of navy green (if that's even a color) pants that I was so excited about fitting back into. They were my favorite pants years ago when I was at my (then) lowest weight ever. Well, I tried them on and they were too big! I missed the window! So, they are getting donated to someone that will hopefully get as much enjoyment out of them as I once did (YEARS ago).

Last, I'm back to feeling more positive. I even went back to one of my old past time actions (that I hadn't done in a while) and sent out some little packages to friends just because they were on my mind. They aren't expecting it, and I'm excited (and hoping) that it'll put a smile on their face just to know they are cared for.

I know that I can make the changes I need to and be dedicated to the improvement of me. I'm looking forward to seeing who I can become knowing that I can get better and be better every day!

Is it really happening?

I think I'm losing a bit of motivation. Maybe I'm just tired? Things haven't been going "my" way completely and I just don't like that. A lot of things have suffered since I've been experiencing this exhaustion and I've just let them slip. This is probably something that's not helping my emotional health either. I haven't been on the Wii Fit (except to weigh and do a body test once a week) in way too long. I miss it. But I don't want to get up in the mornings and I don't want to do much after work, but I have to get my booty in shape. What in the world is stopping me? I have an elliptical trainer in the garage that doesn't hate me anymore (thanks to my shedding of 86 lbs), but I'm not getting on that either. It's a new year. It's supposed to be a good year. Why is it starting off so darn tough?

So, what am I going to do about it? I'm going to make a change! I'm going to start doing things even though I don't want to so that I will want to soon (knowing that I feel so much better when I'm doing them). I think this will also help me to keep my self in check and focused. Because I haven't been exercising, I've had more time to obsess about things. That is NEVER a good thing. So, with the extra time and effort I'll put into the exercise, the less time I'll have to obsess. That has to be a good thing, right?

So, the Wii Fit and I will begin dating again. I miss the poor little trainer and I'm certain that the trainer misses me - right? Hey, I may even start dating the elliptical machine again too (boy, do I get around). That greasy hunk of metal gets my heart pounding and my sweat flowing every time. Sure, it's not always going to do for me (I need some knee-knocking too), but I'll take what I can get until my warm and cuddly exercise partner comes around/along!

I'm ready to focus more. I'm ready to obsess less. And I'm ready to look and feel great! Wii can do this! :-)

On a better note . . .

I don't like having to experience sadness. I don't like having to write about it. But, at the same time, it was therapeutic for me. I did get things off of my chest and it did make me feel better. I even posted a "positive" blog on MySpace in hopes of getting back to a place of happiness for myself. And, sure enough, it worked. YEAH!

So, I am better today. I have resolved to be better today. I had put all of my "eggs" into one basket and they were starting to break. So, now, I'm going to allow myself to slowly redistribute the eggs and not worry about them. Sounds great and like a good idea, but we all know how that works, right?

Another good thing that happened today was that I read a blog (http://bigcitygirl.blogspot.com/) that really spoke to me. I know the blog writer wasn't intending to speak to me, she was sharing about herself but BOY did it get me. She said some pretty amazing things about the fact that her "inner voice" is trying to protect her. I believe that my inner voice is having the same effect on me. Trying to prevent the hurt before I get to experience the greatness. I need to work on that and I need to know that I am worth bigger and better things. It's just the process of getting there that takes so much work!

So, I'm determined to have a better day. I'm looking forward to greatness (whether it's today, tomorrow, or 10 years from now). I know that I am worth it and I'm striving to believe it!

And then there was sadness . . .

Have you ever had to face an unknown sadness? I thought things were going well for me. I hate to be in a bad mood but I really hate to deal with sadness. I keep thinking that I'm doing a great job at keeping a positive attitude, I've felt good but I guess the sadness has to be expressed from time to time. So, I decided to get into a little bit of "self" therapy and write about it in hopes that I can solve some issues through a little bit of venting. I want to be positive and I want to know that things in my world will get better but all of a sudden, I'm overcome with a great deal of sadness but why?

Maybe the sadness was provoked by my dream world (aka "fantasy land") hitting reality and not going as planned? Maybe it was brought on by the realization that my life isn't really going the way that I had thought it was destined to go? Could it be that I thought I knew what I wanted in a career and I was mistaken? I believe I may have been fooling myself in so many ways. That makes me sad. But what is the one that triggered the sadness? I also wonder if what I'm looking for or holding out for is really out there? I thought I was feeling more secure and sure of myself, but when I get into a position where my feelings are at risk, I freak out and don't know how to deal with it? Is it because I want to hold on to the idea of something that I think will be everything I want and more? Am I truly being unrealistic? Am I living in a dream? Is it because I know (deep down) that I'm scared to death because I have too much to lose and I'm almost willing to sacrifice it? How do you deal with something like this?

Here's the problem in my current world of sadness . . . it makes me question myself. I am questioning who I am, what I am doing, what I really want out of my life, why I'm so affected by these things and what in the world I'm going to do about it all now. I was so wrong when I thought that my emotional issues were going to go away with all of this extra weight and baggage. I guess I was wrong.

So, here's what I'm going to do about it. I'm going to let it go. Do we all know how hard it is to be powerless in a situation? Well, when you're lacking power, what do you do? You either take matters into your own hands, become violent and wreak the situation anyway or you walk away and know that if things were meant to work out a certain way, they would. Who am I to think that I can make things happen the way I want to? Who am I to think that I can be upset when things don't go my way? I am no one. It's time for me to let go.

I guess it's a good thing I have a (long overdue) counseling session tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll get some much needed guidance or direction.

A weigh in "first"!

For the first time in my short "weigh in" accountability history, the Wii Fit/scale didn't move an ounce from last week. SERIOUSLY, the scale said I had lost 0.0. Does this really happen? In a whole week? I will say, this is better than gaining - right?

When I put it all into perspective, it's incredibly fair that I haven't dropped any weight. The good news is that I'm not sad about it. December was a big month for me. I had dropped a lot, I had been very active, I had forgotten to eat several times. Well, after Christmas, that all stopped. We had several days to do NOTHING but play video games, sit around with family and friends, and just be lazy. I haven't been lazy like that in a while. It was nice, but now it's time to get back to the grind!

I will say, there was a part of me that thought/thinks that this is where it all stops. I've never been this low (weight wise) in my entire adult life. I am flabbergasted. I'm excited to be here, but I also fear that this will be it. Fortunately, that fear is only in a small portion of my though process and I'm going to work really hard to overcome this idea. Now the goal is to just get off my butt and make it happen!

Who'd have thought?

Did you really ever think that you'd make it to 2009? I'm not talking about last week, but I'm talking about years ago when even making it to the year 2000 was a ghastly idea. Well, here we are! Alive and kicking - right? Sure, some of us might be alive with the screaming & kicking, but we're alive none the less!

I'm sure we've all taken a moment to reflect on what the last year held and then plan our triumphs for the year ahead. Maybe this year we can get even closer to the things that we really want for ourselves? I think my most current issue is allowing myself to know that I'm worth it. So, this year, I'll be working on me. Working on knowing that I am worth those special things. I'll be working on letting myself act on those things. I'll be working on feeling better, physically and emotionally (and financially). I need to know that I can be all of the things that I want to be. I need to know that it's out there for me and it's ok to want it and it's especially ok to get it when I do want it. I want to be more this year than I have in the past. And I'm actually excited about it!

It's strange to think that this time last year I was plotting the diet I was going to use to get to a healthy me knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it. I planned out all of the goals that (in my head) I knew I couldn't achieve - or so I thought. But I set them anyway. Much to my surprise, through a different approach, I've now made it to some of them. Sure, I may not have the financial stability that I had set out for, or the cleanest car on the block (like I wanted), but I have achieved a goal of health. I've achieved my goal of a better emotional well being and I've achieved my goal of being me (even though I'm still accepting that).

It's been a tough, exhausting, experimental year, but in retrospect, I am glad to have found all that I have. I'm also glad that I'm able to appreciate the transition and the struggle with a positive attitude. I'm grateful for the experience of 2008. I'm so looking forward to the new experiences that 2009 will bring!

Happy New Year!