Tuesday, January 6, 2009

And then there was sadness . . .

Have you ever had to face an unknown sadness? I thought things were going well for me. I hate to be in a bad mood but I really hate to deal with sadness. I keep thinking that I'm doing a great job at keeping a positive attitude, I've felt good but I guess the sadness has to be expressed from time to time. So, I decided to get into a little bit of "self" therapy and write about it in hopes that I can solve some issues through a little bit of venting. I want to be positive and I want to know that things in my world will get better but all of a sudden, I'm overcome with a great deal of sadness but why?

Maybe the sadness was provoked by my dream world (aka "fantasy land") hitting reality and not going as planned? Maybe it was brought on by the realization that my life isn't really going the way that I had thought it was destined to go? Could it be that I thought I knew what I wanted in a career and I was mistaken? I believe I may have been fooling myself in so many ways. That makes me sad. But what is the one that triggered the sadness? I also wonder if what I'm looking for or holding out for is really out there? I thought I was feeling more secure and sure of myself, but when I get into a position where my feelings are at risk, I freak out and don't know how to deal with it? Is it because I want to hold on to the idea of something that I think will be everything I want and more? Am I truly being unrealistic? Am I living in a dream? Is it because I know (deep down) that I'm scared to death because I have too much to lose and I'm almost willing to sacrifice it? How do you deal with something like this?

Here's the problem in my current world of sadness . . . it makes me question myself. I am questioning who I am, what I am doing, what I really want out of my life, why I'm so affected by these things and what in the world I'm going to do about it all now. I was so wrong when I thought that my emotional issues were going to go away with all of this extra weight and baggage. I guess I was wrong.

So, here's what I'm going to do about it. I'm going to let it go. Do we all know how hard it is to be powerless in a situation? Well, when you're lacking power, what do you do? You either take matters into your own hands, become violent and wreak the situation anyway or you walk away and know that if things were meant to work out a certain way, they would. Who am I to think that I can make things happen the way I want to? Who am I to think that I can be upset when things don't go my way? I am no one. It's time for me to let go.

I guess it's a good thing I have a (long overdue) counseling session tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll get some much needed guidance or direction.

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