The verdict is in . . .

I really do wish I could post good news today. Unfortunately, I received a call this morning that I wasn't selected for the position. I so appreciate that I had so much encouragement, prayers, and well wishes. That really made me feel good, confident, and successful.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that when a "door" closes, another will open. So, I am taking this disappointment as a minor set back and I have to have faith that this didn't work out because I am supposed to be somewhere else. I must admit, this one hurt. But I need to realize that it wasn't because I wasn't the best I could be. I just wasn't the right fit this time.

The principal did tell me that there were 250 applicants for this one position. He narrowed it down to 12 for the first round of interviews and I got selected as one of the top three. He mentioned that this was an incredibly difficult decision because the top three were really, really good. He said that he was going to forward my information to every school in his district and if a position came open at his school, it would be mine. So, that has to be a good thing, right?

I'm not going to lie, I've been on an emotional roller coaster over this one. There's a huge part of me that wants to know what that "it" factor was. Was there anything I could've or should've said differently? But at the same time, I left the interview yesterday being scared to death that I would get the position. I know that sounds strange, but lets be honest . . . this will be my first year as a teacher. Could I live up to the high standards and expectations that the principal and the school have? Would I be the best, absolute best, for these students? I don't know - because I've never done it before. There's a good chance that the person that was selected has proof that they know exactly what they are doing and can produce outstanding results. I plan to have those one day, but this principal would've had to take a chance on me for that. I can do it, I know I can, but I'm intimidated and even a little scared. That's normal, right?

So, back to the drawing board for me. I will keep praying that the right position, school, district, etc. comes along. And we'll hope and pray that happens before I pull all my hair out. I don't have much to begin with. :-)

Now, on to something positive . . . I slept last night! Yes sir! I didn't wake up at my usual 3:30am. I even forgot to set my alarm and woke up 10 minutes later than I normally do. Whopee! I do hate having insomnia, but I sure do love the days after - when I sleep like a rock!

Today is a new day. No, huge, obligations and a possible play date for the little one. I'm ready to turn this day around. Just because it started with bad news, doesn't mean it has to end that way, right? Thank you for allowing me the vent session. I look forward to having a some more positive things to report tomorrow!

Wishing you all a very happy day!

I AM amazing!

While it's true, I'm trying to remind myself that I'm great and have wonderful qualities, I am absolutely amazing at one thing - PROCRASTINATING! If they gave medals, I could quite possibly get the gold. It sad, but so true.

So, I have an interview today! Let's be honest, I have an interview in less than 3 hours. That's a good thing. What is not a good thing is that I have one hour to get a portfolio together, my (very cute) outfit ironed and smart looking, and my head together enough to convince this principal that I am the BEST person for this position. I'm not doubting that things will happen, I'm doubting the greatness that they could've been had I given myself more time. I guess I can't really think much about that, especially considering that I should be doing things and I'm blogging! What a piece of work am I?

Yes, you may think I'm crazy for blogging instead of doing the other things I have, but this is an attempt at me "getting my head together". I had to clear some thoughts and put some positive energy in the air and hopefully get some good thoughts going my way today. Thank you for being my sound board.

Let's talk about why this job should be given to me:

• I have a true passion and a calling to redemptive service (teaching)
• I feel that I have the skills and the motivation to create captivating and encouraging lessons for students
• I teach in a way that inspires and provides the best styles for all students
• I work really well in collaborative groups and I am always looking for encouragement and criticism
• I have fun when I'm in the classroom
• I have high expectations for students and that tends to create a greater drive for them to succeed
• I will give it my all!

I am excited about this opportunity! I am excited to speak with this principal and even be considered. I hope that my excitement and confidence shows and the "desperation" stays home. I do believe that if this isn't where I'm supposed to be, I won't get the job. I just hope I get to have a peace about it today!

Wish me luck!

I hope you're all in for a very happy Monday! I'll check back and let you know how it goes!

So much to do . . .

Where is the motivation? Yep. I have a slew of things I need to accomplish for today (I have a class tonight) and even more to do for my interview & exit interview next week. Yet, I'm lacking in the drive to get it all done. It's summer. I'm supposed to be out having fun, swimming in the pool, playing games. Those are all things I WANT to do. Writing papers, preparing a portfolio, being nervous for an interview, etc. are all things I don't want to do. I will say, it will be fabulous to have everything done, interviewed, employed, and all that jazz, but I'm hesitating.

So, here's where the questions come in. Am I hesitating because there's a part of me that is not ready for everything to be over? Do I hesitate because I'm scared to death to be responsible for the education of 35 little minds? Do I hesitate because I'm afraid I'm not good enough? Do I hesitate because I fear once the work is over, all I have is me? You betcha!!!

I am confident in my dream of being a teacher. I'm confident that I am creative, inspiring, and driven to educate young people. I am not confident in others seeing that in me. I am confident that I can complete my tasks/work & portfolio in time and sufficiently. I am not confident in it being the best that I can produce. I am confident that I will be an excellent fit at the school & with the staff where I'm interviewing on Monday. I am not confident that I can relay that in a one hour meeting. I am afraid of being rejected and having to wonder why.

So, I am writing this in an effort to eliminate the negative thoughts in this post and in my process. If I am honest about what scares me, I can concentrate on conquering the fear - right? I want to be confident. I want to be the best I can be. I want to succeed. I am capable. I just have to get that "doubting delinquent" out of my head! So, this is what I'm focusing on today! I know I can do this.

Today, I plan to make a list of all of the reasons I should be proud of who I am and the goals I have (and will accomplish). Every time I think of something positive that I have accomplished, I am going to write it down. I'm hoping to come up with a list of at least 10 (but trying for 20) things that prove to me that I am right where I should be. I may even have to post them to just prove I did it and am worthy of recognizing myself! It may be tough, but I think it's a good hurdle to knock out of my way.

Now off to make a list and have a fabulous Thursday!

And I thought not blogging for a week was a big deal?

HELLO!!! It's me! I love that the last item I posted was commenting on the fact that I haven't blogged in over a week. I guess I was trying to shoot for a month this time? Well . . . I didn't make it!!! Whew!!!!

Boy! Has life given me a run for my money or what? Shall I catch you up? Let's do bullets . . .

• Things at work didn't get better. I had let my boss know that if things didn't change or even appear to change that I would no longer be able to work in those conditions.
• I have been unemployed as of Friday, August 24, 2009. I've never been unemployed in my entire adult life and it's scary as all get out. I can say that it was self-induced, but that doesn't mean it's easy.
• I have officially gone back to school to finish what I started so long ago. I will be a California Credentialed Teacher by May 2010! And hopefully have a job/contract by next Fall! I feel good about it.
• My son started 1st grade and he's so advanced that he's bored. We're working on that and I've told his teacher that she has my full support - especially since I will be needing the experience.
• My weight is still about the same. I go from 168 - 171 on a fairly regular basis. I want to kick something into gear because I want to see and feel 160 - maybe even 150's? If it doesn't happen, I'm ok with that. But I want to at least try.
• I've made it my goal to find a gym to join here in Fresno (hopefully this weekend). I haven't been to a gym since I have moved (June, 2009) and I think it's really taking it's toll on me, not only physically but emotionally as well. Who knew that so much stress would be associated with resigning your job?

So, in a nutshell, I've had some serious changes take place over the last few weeks. I was overwhelmed, then got a bit depressed, but now, I see the good that will be coming of it all. I guess you never know what life has in store for you until you take the necessary leaps and jump out of the window!

I will say that I'm excited about having time to find out about myself and about what I want. I am determined to take care of myself. I will be better able to focus on myself and really focus on what I want out of life and step away from the things that I don't want.

I have missed the blogland community and now I don't have to worry about being blocked from work!!! So, watch out friends . . . the comments will be pouring in! I'm so excited to get back into what exciting things are happening in your lives!

It's been a whole week!

I cannot believe that I haven't updated this for a week. Not to mention that I haven't read any blogs either! This has got to change!!!

The good news . . . it looks like the scale is starting to come back down! YIPEE!! 169.5 today. I'll take it! Of course, I went camping this past weekend and worked my butt off! It was tough, but it was fun.

This past weekend was actually the wedding of a very close, dear, friend (and former roommate) of mine. It was a location wedding so there were several people there for the entire weekend. Some stayed in hotels, some in cabins, but Jacob and I stayed in a tent. Fun stuff - tons of work! I'd do it again in a heart beat. Yes, I would make some changes, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

The things I would've done differently bring me to the next order of business/concern. I have been experiencing something post WLS that concerns me. I used to be able to drink socially and not be too much trouble. Sure, I would be loud, giggly, and having a blast, but it never appeared to be a problem. Now, since WLS, I have noticed (on two separate occasions) that I will actually "Black-out" from alcohol consumption. I haven't figured out if it's what is being consumed, if it's an excessive amount, or if it just happens to be a few things. I have never, in my life (prior to WLS) drank so much that I would "black out". It is not a good or fun feeling. I never have believed in a true "black out" period, but now, I can't NOT believe in it. I seriously have NO recollection of what happened for a good chunk of time that night.

I feel like I jeopardized something. I'm not sure exactly what, but it's causing me grief. I feel that it's possible there are people who are disappointed in me. Most of all, I'm disappointed in myself. I know better. I was told that alcohol isn't the same for us WLSers anymore. I do drink the occasional beer here and there, but those occasions don't seem to affect me. It's the mixing that sends me over the edge and now I don't know what to do with it. Am I the only WLSer that has experienced this?

I hate that I have to be so real, and that this reality is negative right now. I have so many things happening in my life that I don't need to add this stress. But I did. And now I have to figure out if I need to fix it, should try to fix it, or just chalk it up to experience and move on? I feel haunted by this bad behavior and I am struggling now with how make it right or if it's even possible.

So, there's been some good news, and some bad news happening in my world. And there's oh so much more to share. I'll be back with a better update. I promise.

I hope all is well in blogland. I'll catch up with you all soon!

Time keeps on slipping . . .

Oh yes! It has happened again. The time has flown by and I haven't even watched it go by! I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Today is a check in/weigh in day. I JUST realized that I didn't even post anything last week. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I was up another 2 lbs last week. Yep, 173. But I am happy to report, that it's back down. Not as much as I'd like, but we're moving in the right direction. I was happy to see the 171 again. Now, on to the 165!!!!

So, next update . . . things at work have been really stressful. I don't even know how to talk about it. Most of the stress and frustration stems from one person. I have talked to my supervisor (the President of the company) several times. We've had meetings about the situation. Yet, still no fix. I don't know how to solve the problem without my leaving.

I must say, I have looked back into finishing the teacher credential program. I only have one year left. The only problem is that this would create a bit of financial hardship for a little while. Right now, I'm just needing to get some direction. I need to know what the best plan for me is. The only problem is that I'm the only one that can make that decision. Do you know how much easier life would be if people just made these decisions for us?

I will say, teaching is something I feel passionate about. I've always wanted to teach, I just keep letting things get in the way of this goal/dream. Am I going to let it happen again? Or am I going to push through and pursue the dream? I'll keep you posted!

Any teachers out there feel like "weighing in" on their thoughts?

I must admit, I feel like the stress at work is hindering my success in other areas of my life. So, if I move on, will I be better focused to take care of myself, my body, and my mind? It's definitely something I'd be interested in finding out.

I haven't kept up at all with blogs and I miss them so. I can't wait to take out some time for me and do my catching up. I hope all is well and I look forward to reading more about all my friends!

Happy Tuesday!!!!

Where do I go to get motivation?

Everyday I attempt to start the day out fresh and new with energy and motivation. Sadly, somewhere between 9am and 12:00pm that energy and motivation are gone! Now, where in the world am I supposed to go to get that back?

It's no surprise (to the people around me) that my place of work has taken a turn from what it has been. That turn has not been on a positive note. We, fortunately, aren't being hit with the threat of laying people off (just yet), but the attitudes and the people are just getting to be unbearable. What in the world do you do when you have a stable job, but you just can't stand to be there? This is what I'm dealing with right now. It's tough.

The problem with these issues is that it's making the rest of my world crumble. I'm stressed out, unhappy, and struggling to be here every day. These feelings/emotions are taking a toll on me physically, mentally and nutritionally. I'm going back to old habits because that's what I know (or think I know) will ease the pain. Not only does it NOT ease the stress/pain/etc., it's making things worse because now I feel like another part of my life is out of control.

I need to gain control. I need to situate things in my world. I need to get back to a state of happiness. I've always said (in my career) that when it's not fun anymore, it's time to look for something else. I think it's time to look for something else.

I have put in an application at a local children's hospital, but I don't really have medical experience. I do know someone that is close to the position and that may help, but you just never know.

I've actually been, seriously, considering biting the bullet and going back to school. I am one year away from a teaching credential and teaching is something that I feel I have a great passion for and I, personally, think I'd be pretty good at it. I've already completed one semester of part time student teaching and it was a great experience. The problem with that option is that it will be very tough to make it financially with school, not having a stable income, and supporting my family. But, I can't stop thinking about that being the best option.

No matter what goes on, I need to regain control. I need to know that I can make it through this. I need to feel like I will succeed and I will not let the stress and emotions get the best of me. I need focus!

I will say, the early morning walks with my sister are a great help. It gets me moving early in the morning and actually gets me better equipped for the day. I need to kick it up a bit, but I have do admit, it's a great place to start!

Aren't you glad it's pre-Friday???

It's all about accountability, right?

In an effort to be honest to myself, about myself, and for myself, I am posting today - even though I really don't want to.

My last post (last week) was positive! I was certain that I was heading in the right direction. I was pretty confident that I had things figured out. But, this week, I got on the scale and was nearly slapped in the face! WHOA! Yep. My scale was up 4 lbs from last week. REALLY? Who gains 4 lbs in a week? Apparently, I do.

I really didn't want to share. I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted it to go away. But, let's be honest, I started this blog for accountability. I want to record the Highs & Lows. It's about recording the success and the set-backs that make this journey a TRUE journey. It's not easy people! Most of us know this. But instead of hiding and running away from the reality, I have to figure out what has gotten me here! So, this is what I intend to do!

I definitely think that the lack of the gym membership and the constant, intentional exercise has played a big part in this. So, back to moving! Intentional moving! Building up the metabolism. I have the new Wii Active game/program and I really want to make that work for me. So, I plan to start the 30 day challenge on July 1! Should be an adventure, right?

I also know that I need to watch what I've been eating. The snacks are slowly, but surely creeping in. I've heard it, from so many others, that the snacks just creep back into our lives before we know it. It certainly has found me. So, I will be conscious of what's going on around me and weed out the unhealthy snacks/choices. Who needs them anyway?

I know, I know, it's only a week. But if I don't take action now and realize what I'm doing, It's possible that it will get the best of me! And I'm SO not ready to let that happen! I've been in a "funk" and I can't let that "funk" drive me to do things that I know aren't good for me. But I know better.

So . . . this roller coaster journey continues!

Friday! It's a good thing!

I feel like I've been waiting for this day to come all week long! On Monday, I was wishing it was Friday already. And now . . . it's here. Whatever will I do with it?

I will take this day while "jumping for joy" that I don't have to be back at work tomorrow!!!! Yeehaw! Not to mention I have an appointment to get my hair cut and colored tonight. I'm super excited about it. My hair will be cute again!

So, I have a little story. I'm gonna ramble and it may get ugly, but I'm going to let it out anyway. I'm a little torn and don't really know why. If you read the blog, you know that I've been struggling to get to where I can say, "I've lost 100 lbs". Honestly, I thought I had given up. There's seriously a part of me that has been sitting back saying, "It's not going to happen, you're just supposed to be bigger." And, I've believed it. So, I kind of resolved (with myself) that my goal should be 170. But there's a part of me that wasn't completely ready to give that up either.

I typically weigh myself on Tuesdays. I'm not normally tempted to weigh any other day. But for some reason, I was yesterday. So, I got on the scale and I saw it. Yes sir, the scale said, "169". Not even a smidge extra (no - .2 or .5 or .75), it was right on (almost a little lower). I stood there in shock. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know if I should be excited or share or anything. So, what did I do? I went on with my day and acted like it didn't happen. Why would I rob myself of a celebration when that's what I have been working so hard to get to? I kept telling myself that I shouldn't have weighed. It was Thursday and I can't really count it until Tuesday. But there's a part of me that afraid that the number will change and I won't be able to claim it on Tuesday. That's why I couldn't count it or be excited about it or even be thrilled that it was below 170 - even once!

Finally, when my family and I sat down for dinner, I asked the question, "Did anyone weigh today?" I live in a house where we all struggle with weight and we're all working toward a goal of getting healthier, so I knew someone would've weighed. I wanted to find out if anyone else had success because I wanted to celebrate something, but for some reason didn't feel like my celebration was worthy. Sure enough, my sister had weighed (and was down a total of 11.5 lbs -YAHOO) and she even noticed that I had reached that "goal" that I had been pushing for. I didn't know what to say. I knew I wanted to be able to appreciate that number I saw. But I still didn't. It was strange.

My mother asked me, "so how does it feel to have lost 100lbs?" I responded with, "The same as it did at 99lbs."

I don't completely know what's going on in my head. I don't even know what to do about it. But I wanted to get it off my chest. I should probably make an appointment with the therapist! I want to feel good about the progress. I want to feel successful. But for some reason - even though I see it - I don't believe it. I guess I never really thought that I would succeed - even though I've sworn to everyone that I could and that I will. I still don't believe it. I think that there's a part of me that is afraid that once I get to "goal" I will not have anything to work so hard for. Even though I know that maintenance will be even HARDER than this past transition.

So, right now, I'm claiming it! I have OFFICIALLY lost 100 lbs!!!!! I am OFFICIALLY 9 lbs away from the original goal set for me at the time of my surgery. I cannot believe it. I don't even know what to do with it, but I am going to accept it! Once I get to the next goal, I get to re-evaluate and decide what the other goals should be. I just need to be able to accept them when I get there.

So, this weekend, I think my cute little haircut and I are going to go shopping. I HATE shopping, I do, I do, but I do need some things and I think I'm going to try to enjoy the experience and the idea of a reward. Besides, I haven't taken pictures in forever, so it's about time I get some updates going. Anyone want to join me? Let's celebrate!

Happy Friday!!!

It's Thursday? When did that happen?

So, I was sitting here realizing that I didn't get to post on my weekly weigh in day. Here I thought I was only a day behind. Then, I realized, it's THURSDAY!!!!

I'm in over my head. It's true. Work has been extremely tough and has kept me so busy I haven't been able to read blogs/keep up to date/let alone think about something that I get to post for myself. Then, in the evenings, I'm spending the time that I have packing and cleaning and moving and all that jazz.

I will say . . . I have still be able to do at LEAST 30 minutes of intentional activity for the 30 for 30 challenge. I may be cheating a little bit because a few times I've used moving and packing, but it is constant movement and I even wake up sore in the mornings. I certainly hope that life (as I currently know it) will slow down and allow me to enjoy a little more.

I DID make it on the scale this week. I don't know if it's good or bad, but the scale didn't move! It's good - because it didn't go up. It's bad - because it didn't go down either. I will not make my goal of being 100 lighter by my 1 year surgeons appointment (unless I can drop 6 lbs in 4 days), but I'm ok with that.

I found a piece of paper the other day, in my moving frenzy, and I was so blown away by this finding. The paper had a list of goals that I had written out a year ago (before surgery). I was so blown away because back then, I don't think I believed in myself. It really opened my eyes to what I truly was feeling last year (and so many times before).

Here are some things on the list:

• Be under 200 lbs
• Be able to shop in a "non" large sized store
• Be able to exercise for more than 20 minutes without feeling like I was going to die
• Be able to purchase undergarments from Victoria's Secret

The fun thing about the items on the list? I've done them all! And I'm still improving!!!!! I have been focusing on being all the way to goal, or on being done with this journey. But the reality is . . . I will NEVER be done. I will always be focused on this goal of being healthy and I will always be striving to be better and keep it off.

I may never get to what I originally thought of as a "number goal" but I have achieved so much already that it doesn't matter. I am a success and I can do all of the things that I thought were too hard (as of last year). I am grateful for the tool and the gift that I have . I am excited to be closing this first year of trials, experiments, tests, and milestones. I'm really looking forward to living as the newer, healthier version of me!

My theories are crap . . . and other emotional revelations/ramblings

Yep! I said it. I was so proud of myself over the last few weeks. See, I have been surrounded by sick people since the beginning of the year. Then, I thought that maybe I wasn't getting sick because I have become a well vitamined - healthy machine. I even told people that I thought I wasn't getting sick because I fell almost "over vitamined" per surgeons recommendations (just as any post-WLS person is vitamined). Well, that was crap! The only reason that I say this is because I think I'm getting sick. YUCK! I'm not a good "sick" person. Don't get me wrong, I'm still fighting this battle, but I'm just hoping and praying that I win!

In other news . . . The scale was the same again today. Sure, I can definitely chalk this one up to not feeling well. I skipped the gym last night and I'm skipping the gym (and my session w/ Micah) tonight as well. If it's true that rest and liquids can heal the sick, then that is what I will do! I do feel that resting last night helped the illness, but I don't think it helped the scale! No worries, I'll still push through. It's bound to change at some point, right?

In a nutshell, I'm a little "out of it" lately, probably because of whatever ailment I'm suffering with. I have been reading blogs, but I don't have any clever, quick witted comments to contribute and that makes me a little sad so I end up not saying anything. I know that I should, but I haven't. I hope you all understand, I'll get back on the commenting band-wagon before you know it. Don't stop writing though, I'll miss it too much!

So, I currently am finding that I have a lot of friends (YES, even cyber friends) that are having a lot of struggles in various areas of their lives right now. I feel really sad because I don't know what to say or what to do or how to take it all away. I really, really wish I did. I fear that saying something when I really don't know what they are going through would end up making it look like or feel like I have no idea what I'm talking about. It's true, I probably don't know what I'm talking about, but I do like to think that a good friend would be able to offer at least a little sunshine in a day full of clouds.

I actually was able to meet with a really good friend of mine this past weekend. We were the best of friends. The only reason that even had to change was because I moved away several years ago and it was hard to connect from so far away. But, we got together on Saturday and Sunday and were catching up like nothing had changed. Anyway, not quite seven years ago my friend and her family were in a horribly, devastating car accident. Everyone in the accident was injured. She broke her collarbone and ankle. Her husband was crushed/shattered from the waist down and is still struggling with the injuries. But the person that got the most of it was her 10 week old son. It's a long story, but in short (for the sake of the reader) all but 10% of his tiny little brain was damaged and he will not ever be what we thought he was supposed to be. He is not expected to walk/talk/react/function as a normal person - ever. Of course, I believe most of us know and feel that things happen for a reason and I think there is no exception in this story. We may not know the true reason just yet, but I'm sure we'll figure it out in time.

The reason I share this story is to share what she had let me in on this past weekend. She told me that she would never forget that time that we were together because I was the ONLY person that treated her the same way I always did (and still seem to be that person). If she did something funny, I would laugh. If she did something embarrassing, I would remind her of it when necessary. If she did something silly, I would tell her about it (in my oh-so-charming sarcasm). Of course, I told her that I only did this because I didn't know how to act any different than I ever had. It was a tough time for all of us - especially her - and if I could be the only normalcy in her life for that moment, then that was my mission. But I didn't do that because I knew she needed it. I did it because I truly didn't know how else to react. Honestly, all of this time, I have felt that I never did enough. I didn't offer enough, I didn't laugh enough, I didn't give all that I could. But somehow, it was more than she could've ever asked for. She knew that there was NOTHING that any of us could do to take it all away, and all she wanted was to feel normal. She didn't want everyone to have pity on her. She didn't want people to look at her with "puppy dog" eyes because there was nothing they could do and they felt sorry for her. She just wanted to feel normal.

I never knew that this was something was appreciated or valued until this past weekend. Honestly, it gave me a whole new perspective on how I will view and deal with the struggles that my friends face when I know that there's nothing I can do but be there when they need me. I will do everything in my power to help. But I will also not treat you any different than I would have before the struggles appeared. Whether it be problems getting pregnant, problems with the child you've already conceived, or problems with the special needs child that has changed your life. I want to be the best friend that I can be. So, please, feel free to come to me. I will listen, without judgement. I will hug you, in hopes of bringing comfort. I will cry with you, so you don't have to cry alone. I will laugh with you, so that you know there is joy at the end of the trial. I would do this so you can trust that it will all work out as God intended and in his time.

You'll have to forgive me for the long, rambling post. I tend to get emotional when I'm not feeling well. This just had to come out. Please know that I do keep you all in my prayers (that goes for you Kim, Anita, & Lauren). Whether you/they read this message or not, I felt that they/you need to know that you're in my thoughts, my heart and in my prayers.

When I complain about the scales not moving, I need to be reminded of the fact that others have a LOT more to complain about! This is not how I expected this post to go. But the therapy of this post (for me) is priceless!

I'm praying for a week full of blessings!

Weigh ins and rewards

Is it Tuesday already? That's exactly what I thought as I was so rudely awakened by my alarm clock. Yep! It sure is and we all know what that means (for me) . . . weigh in day. The day that I get to check and track my progress. Today, I was down 1 pound (currently weighing in at 181.5 - and in a size 12). I'm happy about that pound, but I will say that I miss the weigh ins of December where I was down at least 2 pounds every week (or so it felt). I'd like another big loss, but for now, I will just focus on the task at hand. Being healthy, happy, vitamin taking, exercising, protein counting Me!

So, the idea that I'm getting closer to goals that I have set has got me thinking. I don't have any rewards established! Sure, I have set the goals - most of them have been long term - but now I'm getting closer and closer and I don't know how I'm going to celebrate or reward the time, effort, hard work, and excitement of these milestones. Years ago, when I had decided to change my life and lose weight, I had my sights set on a Tiffany ring. I was going to buy myself this fabulous Tiffany ring as a symbol of my accomplishment. My accomplishment was to get to 185 pounds (I had started at 235) and that would've been the lowest weight I had ever been. I was so excited about this ring and so motivated that I just COULDN'T wait to get there and I couldn't give up! It was such a great reward and a constant reminder of my accomplishment and my attainment of my personal goal. I FINALLY got to break out the ring again a month or so ago and it still reminds me (daily) of that time in my life, the feeling of accomplishment and that dedication.

How do people typically celebrate these things? Sure, I could say that I'll go out and buy a new wardrobe, but that's certainly not realistic (I'm not certain of my final size). I could say that I'll get a massage, pedicure, etc. but does that truly reward the accomplishment or just make me feel pretty? So, I need some ideas. Has anyone out there set goals and rewards for themselves? What did you do? Do you mind sharing?

I want to know what I'm working towards. I want to know what the reward is. I want to KNOW that I can get there. I want to be excited and driven by the thought of the reward. I want to be constantly reminded by it. So, what would you do?

What a WOW weekend!

Yes, it's true. I had a major turning point/"wow" moment this weekend! I actually had quite a weekend of realizations and coming to terms with "me" that made for a very freeing experience. I've been battling with some of my thoughts and emotions for a little while. This weekend I came to the realization that I had set my sights on something that may not be the best thing for me. The good part about this is that I'm ok with this decision. When I came to terms with this realization, I experienced a sort of freedom, confidence, and understanding that there's more out there for me and I am ready to move on. Sure, it could've been a sad moment, but that's not what I wanted it to be, therefore, it wasn't. It was great! I felt like I had a new clarity, I had turned a new leaf, and I was excited about the other leaves I was going to get to turn over!

So, the real "WOW" moment came when I decided that I needed a new pair of jeans. I had decided that I was going to go to a club to watch a friend of mine break out his stand-up routine. Well, I certainly couldn't go in what I had, so I had to borrow a cute shirt and I thought I'd go out and get a pair of jeans that fit me so I'd look good for this occasion.

I decided to go to Kohl's because I know that they have Levi's and those typically look decent on me. So, I went in and gathered up about 7 different styles of Levi's (529, 505, 548, etc.) in a size 14, feeling pretty confident that they would fit. Well, as I was walking away, I saw a size 12 and I thought to myself, "I'm gonna grab this just to see how far I am away from fitting in them". Let's keep in mind, I've never (in my adult life) been a size 12. Maybe 5th grade or so, but definitely not since the teen years. So, even though I thought it was laughable, I brought them with me.

I get to the dressing room and I figured that if I'm going to be depressed by the size 12 then I may as well put them on first so I know how much work I have to put in to get them on. So, I did! Much to my surprise, they came all the way up. Yep! And then, the even bigger surprise was that they buttoned AND zipped without my even sucking in my gut. NO WAY! Are you serious? These must have been miss labeled. A 12???? REALLY??? I almost cried! My poor little 5 year old had no idea what to think of me. I asked him if they looked good and he said, "ummm, I'm going to say YES!" It was cute. It was sweet. And he was just as excited for me as I was. So, I said, "What do I do now? All I brought in were size 14s and these 12s." Jacob so kindly said, "I'll go get you 12s Mom. I think that's what you'll need". What a great kid! So we ventured out and got about 4 styles in the 12s and I walked out with 2 pair of the size 12 Levis and a huge grin on my face. Sure, the grin was mostly in dis-belief, but boy was I grinning! I still don't think they look like size 12 nor do I think I look like I should fit in a size 12, but I'm certainly NOT taking them back!!! :-)

The great thing about this weekend is that I have a new motivation. I am being rewarded for the trials and the hard times I've been dealing with and it's really making me want to work harder and do more. I'm excited to see what else there is in store. What is next? Bring on the WOW moments!!!!!

On a better note . . .

I don't like having to experience sadness. I don't like having to write about it. But, at the same time, it was therapeutic for me. I did get things off of my chest and it did make me feel better. I even posted a "positive" blog on MySpace in hopes of getting back to a place of happiness for myself. And, sure enough, it worked. YEAH!

So, I am better today. I have resolved to be better today. I had put all of my "eggs" into one basket and they were starting to break. So, now, I'm going to allow myself to slowly redistribute the eggs and not worry about them. Sounds great and like a good idea, but we all know how that works, right?

Another good thing that happened today was that I read a blog (http://bigcitygirl.blogspot.com/) that really spoke to me. I know the blog writer wasn't intending to speak to me, she was sharing about herself but BOY did it get me. She said some pretty amazing things about the fact that her "inner voice" is trying to protect her. I believe that my inner voice is having the same effect on me. Trying to prevent the hurt before I get to experience the greatness. I need to work on that and I need to know that I am worth bigger and better things. It's just the process of getting there that takes so much work!

So, I'm determined to have a better day. I'm looking forward to greatness (whether it's today, tomorrow, or 10 years from now). I know that I am worth it and I'm striving to believe it!

And then there was sadness . . .

Have you ever had to face an unknown sadness? I thought things were going well for me. I hate to be in a bad mood but I really hate to deal with sadness. I keep thinking that I'm doing a great job at keeping a positive attitude, I've felt good but I guess the sadness has to be expressed from time to time. So, I decided to get into a little bit of "self" therapy and write about it in hopes that I can solve some issues through a little bit of venting. I want to be positive and I want to know that things in my world will get better but all of a sudden, I'm overcome with a great deal of sadness but why?

Maybe the sadness was provoked by my dream world (aka "fantasy land") hitting reality and not going as planned? Maybe it was brought on by the realization that my life isn't really going the way that I had thought it was destined to go? Could it be that I thought I knew what I wanted in a career and I was mistaken? I believe I may have been fooling myself in so many ways. That makes me sad. But what is the one that triggered the sadness? I also wonder if what I'm looking for or holding out for is really out there? I thought I was feeling more secure and sure of myself, but when I get into a position where my feelings are at risk, I freak out and don't know how to deal with it? Is it because I want to hold on to the idea of something that I think will be everything I want and more? Am I truly being unrealistic? Am I living in a dream? Is it because I know (deep down) that I'm scared to death because I have too much to lose and I'm almost willing to sacrifice it? How do you deal with something like this?

Here's the problem in my current world of sadness . . . it makes me question myself. I am questioning who I am, what I am doing, what I really want out of my life, why I'm so affected by these things and what in the world I'm going to do about it all now. I was so wrong when I thought that my emotional issues were going to go away with all of this extra weight and baggage. I guess I was wrong.

So, here's what I'm going to do about it. I'm going to let it go. Do we all know how hard it is to be powerless in a situation? Well, when you're lacking power, what do you do? You either take matters into your own hands, become violent and wreak the situation anyway or you walk away and know that if things were meant to work out a certain way, they would. Who am I to think that I can make things happen the way I want to? Who am I to think that I can be upset when things don't go my way? I am no one. It's time for me to let go.

I guess it's a good thing I have a (long overdue) counseling session tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll get some much needed guidance or direction.

A weigh in "first"!

For the first time in my short "weigh in" accountability history, the Wii Fit/scale didn't move an ounce from last week. SERIOUSLY, the scale said I had lost 0.0. Does this really happen? In a whole week? I will say, this is better than gaining - right?

When I put it all into perspective, it's incredibly fair that I haven't dropped any weight. The good news is that I'm not sad about it. December was a big month for me. I had dropped a lot, I had been very active, I had forgotten to eat several times. Well, after Christmas, that all stopped. We had several days to do NOTHING but play video games, sit around with family and friends, and just be lazy. I haven't been lazy like that in a while. It was nice, but now it's time to get back to the grind!

I will say, there was a part of me that thought/thinks that this is where it all stops. I've never been this low (weight wise) in my entire adult life. I am flabbergasted. I'm excited to be here, but I also fear that this will be it. Fortunately, that fear is only in a small portion of my though process and I'm going to work really hard to overcome this idea. Now the goal is to just get off my butt and make it happen!

Who'd have thought?

Did you really ever think that you'd make it to 2009? I'm not talking about last week, but I'm talking about years ago when even making it to the year 2000 was a ghastly idea. Well, here we are! Alive and kicking - right? Sure, some of us might be alive with the screaming & kicking, but we're alive none the less!

I'm sure we've all taken a moment to reflect on what the last year held and then plan our triumphs for the year ahead. Maybe this year we can get even closer to the things that we really want for ourselves? I think my most current issue is allowing myself to know that I'm worth it. So, this year, I'll be working on me. Working on knowing that I am worth those special things. I'll be working on letting myself act on those things. I'll be working on feeling better, physically and emotionally (and financially). I need to know that I can be all of the things that I want to be. I need to know that it's out there for me and it's ok to want it and it's especially ok to get it when I do want it. I want to be more this year than I have in the past. And I'm actually excited about it!

It's strange to think that this time last year I was plotting the diet I was going to use to get to a healthy me knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it. I planned out all of the goals that (in my head) I knew I couldn't achieve - or so I thought. But I set them anyway. Much to my surprise, through a different approach, I've now made it to some of them. Sure, I may not have the financial stability that I had set out for, or the cleanest car on the block (like I wanted), but I have achieved a goal of health. I've achieved my goal of a better emotional well being and I've achieved my goal of being me (even though I'm still accepting that).

It's been a tough, exhausting, experimental year, but in retrospect, I am glad to have found all that I have. I'm also glad that I'm able to appreciate the transition and the struggle with a positive attitude. I'm grateful for the experience of 2008. I'm so looking forward to the new experiences that 2009 will bring!

Happy New Year!

The last weigh in of 2008!

And it was a success! So, I know that I didn't say much about it, but November was a very slow weight loss month. The good thing is that December was just the opposite! I'm down a total of 86.5 as of today! I am officially at the lowest weight I've ever been in my adult life. The last time I was 185 was 8 years ago and I had worked very hard to get there by losing 40 pounds. This time, I worked very hard to get there but it took me double the loss!

I actually had a thought on my way to work yesterday that brought me to tears. I started thinking about how far I've come in the last 7 months, not just with the weight loss but with the emotional changes, physical changes, energy changes and more and I couldn't help but look back. I sort of relived what I felt that 7 + months ago and it hurt. But what hurt even more was the fact that I had let it get there. I was unhappy, unmotivated, overly emotional and acting like I wasn't bothered by it. But the truth of the matter is that I WAS (and still am) bothered by the these issues and that I thought it was ok to hide behind all of that. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to act like I don't have problems. I do (and so do you, I'm sure)! And now I want to face those problems and obstacles with the same confidence that I am finding that I'm able to face my weight issues with. I am onto something here and it took me the pain of hitting "rock bottom" to find it.

I am excited (for the first time in years) about the new year and about all of the things that this new year could potentially offer. I'm ready to set out and find all of the things I've been missing because I couldn't see them past my own insecurities. I am confident that this will be the first of many "good" years!

Sleepless nights and weigh ins!

I wish I could start this out with a happy, "Good morning" message, but unfortunately, that's not going my way today. I am trying to be positive, I promise, but there are a bunch of things that are getting me down today.

First of all, I woke up (AGAIN) at 2:39am with my lovely new friend I like to call insomnia! It's strange that it's almost always that exact time - 2:39am. Not 2:38, not 2:45, but 2:39am. I don't really get it. This morning I thought I was going to go right back to sleep because I have been so exhausted. Boy, was I wrong. It was a tough night - but I made it. I should sleep REALLY well tonight!

Next, I got into work and other people that are in foul/grumpy moods have decided to take it out on me. I'm not ready for their foul mood, I'm getting into one of my own right now. Now, I'm frustrated, grumpy, AND sleepy! Am I in for a good day or what?

Ok, enough griping and complaining. I need to turn this day around. So, let's get on with some good news. I am in the 180's - sure, it's 189, but that's progress, right???? Happy weigh in day for me. And to think I almost didn't weigh because I was so tired! But, I did, and it went well. AND, I'm officially down 80 pounds! WHAT?? 80? It doesn't even feel like 80 lbs gone, but it is! What in the world is 109 lbs down going to feel like? Look like? Will I change my goal when I get there? It will be interesting to see what happens. I'm sure I'll be sharing! Honestly, from today, I'm only 29 lbs away from my goal. Could it really happen before I hit my Surgiversary?? Maybe even by my birthday (April)? That can be exciting!

I'm getting excited about my trip for this weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing friends and getting to catch up a bit. The good thing is that even though this day and week have started out rough, I've got good things to look forward too. Sure, I'm a little anxious and possibly insecure, but I can't wait until it all plays out!

On the third day of Christmas . . .

Oh wait! It's just the third day of December! :-)

Well, if I were singing the song, today's verse would say that my true love gave me nothing but heartache. Am I being dramatic or what?

Today has been an interesting day. I guess that's to top off my interesting week? Maybe I'm back to secreting all of those ridiculous hormones into my system from all of this weight loss? Maybe I'm being a little bit dramatic again, but I've got to have something to explain it all away, right?

So, I went to my very first WLS support group meeting last night. The meeting itself was good/bad and fortunately not so ugly! It started off with the "founding" surgeon of this practice giving us a medical look at what goes on long term regarding weight loss/gain, appetite, and what happens when you try to eat too much (creating a second stomach and all). It was great to talk in such an open forum and get the real "meat" of what happens. I loved that. I also liked sharing ideas and getting to boast about my experience with the Wii Fit. I swear I should work for Nintendo! Anyway, that was great. I must admit, it was absolutely crazy to hear that someone (one of the 3 year post ops) thought I was at goal. She had no idea that I was only 6 months out of surgery. WHAT? Are you serious? I am barely out of the 200s and I still have 35 + pounds to lose. What was she thinking? She has to see that I'm still packing extra weight. Especially since she's so much smaller than I am. Sure, it made me kind of smile, but I just don't see it. Am I kidding myself? Is this really happening?

The part I wasn't so excited about was the organization. It didn't seem like there was a plan. We didn't have specific topics to talk about. We did go over exercises and techniques (which were great and very helpful) but other than that, it was just a bit of chatting. Maybe the next one will be better? It was a pretty long drive for a week night to just get in a bit of chatting. But, I won't discount it until I try again (at least ONE more time). Plus, the next time, the psychologist is supposed to be there. THAT is exciting to me.

The other funk has to do with this whole dating thing. I really don't know where to stand on the dating issue. I'm an "old-fashioned" type of girl. I guess I expect the gentlemen to be gentlemen. I expect to be the one receiving phone calls, being asked out with plans being made and all of that mumbo jumbo. Does that even happen anymore? Maybe I'm just out-dated? Maybe the "good 'ol boys" don't exist anymore? And then when I thought I had the interest of one (and I was/am interested too) all communication stops. I was told I'd get a call on Monday, but didn't. Now it's Wednesday and I feel forgotten. Sure, I could pick up the phone and call too, but am I committed enough to "chase"??? Wow! Who knew I'd be struggling so much with the whole idea of dating? If I didn't like it before, I really don't like it now!

I hate that this whole post has been so negative. Not EVERYTHING in my world is negative. That's just what I've focused on today. I will be positive that things will get better. Sometimes, I just need to vent. Maybe it's all because I missed my current Favorite show? I'll watch my DVR'd Biggest Loser tonight and all will be better!