It's been a whole week!

I cannot believe that I haven't updated this for a week. Not to mention that I haven't read any blogs either! This has got to change!!!

The good news . . . it looks like the scale is starting to come back down! YIPEE!! 169.5 today. I'll take it! Of course, I went camping this past weekend and worked my butt off! It was tough, but it was fun.

This past weekend was actually the wedding of a very close, dear, friend (and former roommate) of mine. It was a location wedding so there were several people there for the entire weekend. Some stayed in hotels, some in cabins, but Jacob and I stayed in a tent. Fun stuff - tons of work! I'd do it again in a heart beat. Yes, I would make some changes, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

The things I would've done differently bring me to the next order of business/concern. I have been experiencing something post WLS that concerns me. I used to be able to drink socially and not be too much trouble. Sure, I would be loud, giggly, and having a blast, but it never appeared to be a problem. Now, since WLS, I have noticed (on two separate occasions) that I will actually "Black-out" from alcohol consumption. I haven't figured out if it's what is being consumed, if it's an excessive amount, or if it just happens to be a few things. I have never, in my life (prior to WLS) drank so much that I would "black out". It is not a good or fun feeling. I never have believed in a true "black out" period, but now, I can't NOT believe in it. I seriously have NO recollection of what happened for a good chunk of time that night.

I feel like I jeopardized something. I'm not sure exactly what, but it's causing me grief. I feel that it's possible there are people who are disappointed in me. Most of all, I'm disappointed in myself. I know better. I was told that alcohol isn't the same for us WLSers anymore. I do drink the occasional beer here and there, but those occasions don't seem to affect me. It's the mixing that sends me over the edge and now I don't know what to do with it. Am I the only WLSer that has experienced this?

I hate that I have to be so real, and that this reality is negative right now. I have so many things happening in my life that I don't need to add this stress. But I did. And now I have to figure out if I need to fix it, should try to fix it, or just chalk it up to experience and move on? I feel haunted by this bad behavior and I am struggling now with how make it right or if it's even possible.

So, there's been some good news, and some bad news happening in my world. And there's oh so much more to share. I'll be back with a better update. I promise.

I hope all is well in blogland. I'll catch up with you all soon!

It's all about accountability, right?

In an effort to be honest to myself, about myself, and for myself, I am posting today - even though I really don't want to.

My last post (last week) was positive! I was certain that I was heading in the right direction. I was pretty confident that I had things figured out. But, this week, I got on the scale and was nearly slapped in the face! WHOA! Yep. My scale was up 4 lbs from last week. REALLY? Who gains 4 lbs in a week? Apparently, I do.

I really didn't want to share. I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted it to go away. But, let's be honest, I started this blog for accountability. I want to record the Highs & Lows. It's about recording the success and the set-backs that make this journey a TRUE journey. It's not easy people! Most of us know this. But instead of hiding and running away from the reality, I have to figure out what has gotten me here! So, this is what I intend to do!

I definitely think that the lack of the gym membership and the constant, intentional exercise has played a big part in this. So, back to moving! Intentional moving! Building up the metabolism. I have the new Wii Active game/program and I really want to make that work for me. So, I plan to start the 30 day challenge on July 1! Should be an adventure, right?

I also know that I need to watch what I've been eating. The snacks are slowly, but surely creeping in. I've heard it, from so many others, that the snacks just creep back into our lives before we know it. It certainly has found me. So, I will be conscious of what's going on around me and weed out the unhealthy snacks/choices. Who needs them anyway?

I know, I know, it's only a week. But if I don't take action now and realize what I'm doing, It's possible that it will get the best of me! And I'm SO not ready to let that happen! I've been in a "funk" and I can't let that "funk" drive me to do things that I know aren't good for me. But I know better.

So . . . this roller coaster journey continues!

When the world is unraveling before you . . .

You figure out how to tie it back up, right?

Well, it's true! I've been going through a great deal of unraveling. Now, I'm taking this bull by the horns and going to tackle it - the best I can!

First things first . . . Weigh in day. I jumped on the scale this morning, not really knowing what to expect, but I certainly wasn't expecting what I got. I was up again! Oh Yes! That ugly little scale said I was at 174! That's a whole 1.5 pounds more than last week (which was up). So, there is probably a great deal of truth in the idea that stress is a key contributor to obesity! I will not take that obesity back! I will not! But I will do what I can to conquer the stress demon in my world!

Next on the agenda . . . the 30 for 30 challenge! YES SIR! I'm still in it to win it! I have successfully completed AT LEAST 30 minutes of dedicated activity for 7 days in a row! Thank goodness for the ease of the workout videos. Between the Hip Hop Abs, the Tae Bo, and Kathy Smith's exercise videos, I've been quite successful. I've also included some mini-golf and I even had my sister get her booty moving with me!!! So, we're still on it and I'm still going forward.

So, last week (the same day I agreed to do the 30 for 30 challenge) things got tough for me. I'm under a great deal of stress at work. I've got a mess of co-workers that have turned into jerks because they are unhappy with their jobs and now it's being rolled down to me. It makes for a very difficult environment. So, while I was contemplating what to do with this situation, I was told (by my landlord) that I either kick out my friends/roommates or I will be asked to leave. Well, I certainly can't afford to live in the house on my own, so, I have now given my 30 days notice.

As if the work stress wasn't enough, then we add on the weight gain, then we add on financial troubles, and now moving? I think I'm in for a bit of a rough month! I need to figure out how to NOT let this get the best of me. I also need to figure out how to control my stress eating, emotional need to eat, and how to get back to the basics of what I KNOW to do!!!!!

I'm not going to lie, I'm feeling a little defeated right now. But, at the same time, I feel like I can take this. I need to get control and I know that this will provide me with a great deal of confidence, once the challenges subside.

Unfortunately, since I've been under so much stress and pressure at work, I have not been able to catch up with the blogs that I know and love and I can't wait to get back to them because - whether you know it or not - the blogs you all write are so inspiring and uplifting and so real! I cannot wait to see what's happening in blog land and find out that everyone else is doing swimmingly!

My theories are crap . . . and other emotional revelations/ramblings

Yep! I said it. I was so proud of myself over the last few weeks. See, I have been surrounded by sick people since the beginning of the year. Then, I thought that maybe I wasn't getting sick because I have become a well vitamined - healthy machine. I even told people that I thought I wasn't getting sick because I fell almost "over vitamined" per surgeons recommendations (just as any post-WLS person is vitamined). Well, that was crap! The only reason that I say this is because I think I'm getting sick. YUCK! I'm not a good "sick" person. Don't get me wrong, I'm still fighting this battle, but I'm just hoping and praying that I win!

In other news . . . The scale was the same again today. Sure, I can definitely chalk this one up to not feeling well. I skipped the gym last night and I'm skipping the gym (and my session w/ Micah) tonight as well. If it's true that rest and liquids can heal the sick, then that is what I will do! I do feel that resting last night helped the illness, but I don't think it helped the scale! No worries, I'll still push through. It's bound to change at some point, right?

In a nutshell, I'm a little "out of it" lately, probably because of whatever ailment I'm suffering with. I have been reading blogs, but I don't have any clever, quick witted comments to contribute and that makes me a little sad so I end up not saying anything. I know that I should, but I haven't. I hope you all understand, I'll get back on the commenting band-wagon before you know it. Don't stop writing though, I'll miss it too much!

So, I currently am finding that I have a lot of friends (YES, even cyber friends) that are having a lot of struggles in various areas of their lives right now. I feel really sad because I don't know what to say or what to do or how to take it all away. I really, really wish I did. I fear that saying something when I really don't know what they are going through would end up making it look like or feel like I have no idea what I'm talking about. It's true, I probably don't know what I'm talking about, but I do like to think that a good friend would be able to offer at least a little sunshine in a day full of clouds.

I actually was able to meet with a really good friend of mine this past weekend. We were the best of friends. The only reason that even had to change was because I moved away several years ago and it was hard to connect from so far away. But, we got together on Saturday and Sunday and were catching up like nothing had changed. Anyway, not quite seven years ago my friend and her family were in a horribly, devastating car accident. Everyone in the accident was injured. She broke her collarbone and ankle. Her husband was crushed/shattered from the waist down and is still struggling with the injuries. But the person that got the most of it was her 10 week old son. It's a long story, but in short (for the sake of the reader) all but 10% of his tiny little brain was damaged and he will not ever be what we thought he was supposed to be. He is not expected to walk/talk/react/function as a normal person - ever. Of course, I believe most of us know and feel that things happen for a reason and I think there is no exception in this story. We may not know the true reason just yet, but I'm sure we'll figure it out in time.

The reason I share this story is to share what she had let me in on this past weekend. She told me that she would never forget that time that we were together because I was the ONLY person that treated her the same way I always did (and still seem to be that person). If she did something funny, I would laugh. If she did something embarrassing, I would remind her of it when necessary. If she did something silly, I would tell her about it (in my oh-so-charming sarcasm). Of course, I told her that I only did this because I didn't know how to act any different than I ever had. It was a tough time for all of us - especially her - and if I could be the only normalcy in her life for that moment, then that was my mission. But I didn't do that because I knew she needed it. I did it because I truly didn't know how else to react. Honestly, all of this time, I have felt that I never did enough. I didn't offer enough, I didn't laugh enough, I didn't give all that I could. But somehow, it was more than she could've ever asked for. She knew that there was NOTHING that any of us could do to take it all away, and all she wanted was to feel normal. She didn't want everyone to have pity on her. She didn't want people to look at her with "puppy dog" eyes because there was nothing they could do and they felt sorry for her. She just wanted to feel normal.

I never knew that this was something was appreciated or valued until this past weekend. Honestly, it gave me a whole new perspective on how I will view and deal with the struggles that my friends face when I know that there's nothing I can do but be there when they need me. I will do everything in my power to help. But I will also not treat you any different than I would have before the struggles appeared. Whether it be problems getting pregnant, problems with the child you've already conceived, or problems with the special needs child that has changed your life. I want to be the best friend that I can be. So, please, feel free to come to me. I will listen, without judgement. I will hug you, in hopes of bringing comfort. I will cry with you, so you don't have to cry alone. I will laugh with you, so that you know there is joy at the end of the trial. I would do this so you can trust that it will all work out as God intended and in his time.

You'll have to forgive me for the long, rambling post. I tend to get emotional when I'm not feeling well. This just had to come out. Please know that I do keep you all in my prayers (that goes for you Kim, Anita, & Lauren). Whether you/they read this message or not, I felt that they/you need to know that you're in my thoughts, my heart and in my prayers.

When I complain about the scales not moving, I need to be reminded of the fact that others have a LOT more to complain about! This is not how I expected this post to go. But the therapy of this post (for me) is priceless!

I'm praying for a week full of blessings!

A dumping we will go!

Yep! It's so true! I had my first "real" experience with the dumping syndrome last night. The crazy thing is that it's one of those "delayed reaction time" dumping syndrome deals (which tend to happen with sugar and fruit sugar products - so they say) and I was NOT expecting it. Had I known that this is what it was like, I wouldn't have tried so many things to "test" the actual tolerance of my system. Now, I know what it's like and I'm pretty sure I'll be keeping a good distance from the pumpkin empanadas (at least for now).

I'm not positive that this was the food that caused this horrible experience. Nor am I certain that it was the treat itself. It very well could've been that I had too much of this treat, and had I stopped with the first half, it wouldn't have happened at all. But then, I wouldn't have this oh, so, wonderful experience to look back on and KNOW that I never want to have this again!

So, I'm back to a world of healthful diligence. I spent pretty much the entire weekend being exhausted, sore, head achy, and grouchy (just ask my family). I'm pretty sure that was due to the over working out (Thanks a lot Micah) and the not eating the way that I should. So, let's bring it all back to the land of what I'm supposed to be doing and following through with what I know will work for me as opposed to trying it out because it MAY not have an effect on me.

I think I may need to do a little tweaking or toning down of the workout. I think it's possible that I'm just pushing too hard in order to see results more quickly. Unfortunately, this is leading to pain and discomfort. In all reality, every little bit of movement is going to help. I don't have to kill myself just to see the scales change. So, I will take it a little easier with the weights as to prevent the injury. I will continue with the cardio - because it feels good. But I don't have to climb the highest incline at the highest speed. I'm toning that down a notch too. Just for a little while, until I can get better with my nutrition (protein & water intake).

So, I'm focused. I'm motivated. I'm feeling better and working at never having to feel that again. YEAH!!!!

Not your typical Friday . . .

I typically like to update my successes on Friday. Today, I'm sad to report that I don't feel the successes right now. I'm just in a bit of a funk today. It's been a very tough week but a decent week at the same time.

I have been dealing with issues of snacking. I don't think I'm truly hungry, but my body/brain is telling me that I am. I have this insatiable feeling that I have to fill and then I'll take a few bites of something (sometimes a little bit more) and it's NOT what I want. But the problem is that the feeling comes back just a little while later. I found myself going CRAZY on Wednesday. It was as if I couldn't stop and I couldn't figure it out. Then, I realized, I was eating/craving/wanting out of stress. I wanted something to take away the feelings I was dealing with and in the past food was my friend and would make it all go away (if only for a short while). But now, I don't have that! I need to stop feeding my feelings and acting like I don't have to solve the problem. I DO have to solve the problem. This is a new task and challenge for me and I will face it fully.

The good news is that this behavior didn't carry over to Thursday and I haven't had these feelings today either. Maybe it was just the frustration of the job/co-workers? Stress of disappointment due to the non-moving scale? Fear that I've hit the stopping point of weight loss before I'm ready. Whatever it was/or is, it needs to be faced and dealt with. That is my intention. I will look this demon in the face and punch it's lights out!

I've also decided that I need a "picture" or a vision of what I'm working toward. Unfortunately, I've never been there, so I don't know what the vision will be like. I'm already so much farther than I thought I would be. I don't even recognize myself. But I want to not recognize myself more. I just need to be able to see it. This is another thing I will be working towards. I'll have to get really creative on this one.

On the happier side of things, I've got a few things to look forward to (I'm with Laurie, I like bullets too):

• I'm going to be checking in with the local gym in the next week or so. This should help me on so many levels - and my son is excited about going too.
• I have a date tomorrow afternoon with a doctor! Yep, I'm a little intimidated, but excited at the same time.
• I've got a few celebrations this month and I'm looking forward to February being a healthier and better month than January.
• I've got to take some pictures! As of February 22, it's been 9 months since my ride began!

So, when the funk subsides, I've got some serious things to focus on! Time to dance it all away! Care to join me?

We have success . . .

Well, at least a little. This week I have successfully completed 2 elliptical workouts and one Wii Fit workout. Yes, that's still a little light, but it does give me something to work towards.

Yesterday, there was a big part of me that wanted to get on the elliptical again, but there was a bigger, more emotional, part of me that decided to take a rest. So, I took my (soon to be 6 year old) son to Target to pick out some Birthday wishes for himself. It was good for us. It felt like quality time even though we were looking at things. It was a good moment to share.

I will say, with the added exercise, I'm getting more of the "old" habits and ideas creeping in. I have been wanting to snack and eat all day long. Not that I'm hungry. Sure, there's some "head" hunger in there, but I don't believe that I'm really hungry. I'll want/crave something and think I need it SO bad, then I'll get it, take a bit or so and I'm really over it. But then, something else creeps in and I'll cave, but that doesn't do it either. I'm going to have to do some more journaling about my inner self to really see where these issues are coming from.

Fortunately, we'll have a busy weekend with a small Birthday gathering and some good family time that will take my mind off of my emotional issues. I also want to get more exercise in because I know that exercise typically helps my emotional state of mind. Let's hope this weekend proves to be a good one and pulls me out of my funk.

I've got to be in good spirits to celebrate my little muffin's birthday! Where were you 6 years ago Sunday? I was thanking God for my beautiful little muffin! :-)

When it all comes to a halt . . .

Have you ever been motivated and dedicated to doing something and all of a sudden, it comes to a sudden halt? That's what my day is like. I got to work and have been incredibly motivated and diligent about doing the things that need to get done. I've been making some serious mistakes lately and it's so hard for me to rectify these errors, but today, I was determined to do this. Even though it means that I might get chewed out. I might get reprimanded. I may even have to pay for the penalties, but yet, I let them happen. I'm a little bit disgusted with myself, so I came in today and have been on a path like no other to make things right. Until about lunch time. That's when it all stopped!

I knew I didn't have lunch plans for today so I decided to heat up a frozen item that I had in the freezer here at work along with a few chips I have at my desk to make a meal. Yeah me, right? Dedicated and focused. Well, once I ate, I just didn't feel good. Maybe a bagel dog is not the best option for a post-op-er? Well, now, I can't seem to get myself back into focus and there's still a TON of stuff to be done. Now what do I do?

Well, I answered that question with, "blog about it" of course! I thought that getting this all off my chest would make everything ok. Unfortunately, blogging has NOTHING to do with this icky feeling in my surgically altered state of a stomach. Ewww! Note to self: NO MORE BAGEL DOGS. I, of course, didn't even eat the whole thing. Maybe I should reconsider this as a lunch for my son (who LOVES the bagel dogs).

Other that that, things seem to be going well. I've actually gotten a lot of stuff done at work today. I've taken all of my vitamins (which is more habit now and rarely miss them anymore). I've consumed a LOT of water - which is a huge stretch for me. I used to drink water all of the time. It was easy. But since surgery, I struggle with water. I drink as much as I can and then by around noon time I'm bored with just water so I make iced tea which is a whole lot more fun. But today, I've had a lot of water - and now, I'm on to the tea! :-)

So, enough of the ramblings. I think I'm back to being focused and hopefully on my way to feeling better. I look forward to checking in tomorrow to review all of the successes of my week!

And then there was sadness . . .

Have you ever had to face an unknown sadness? I thought things were going well for me. I hate to be in a bad mood but I really hate to deal with sadness. I keep thinking that I'm doing a great job at keeping a positive attitude, I've felt good but I guess the sadness has to be expressed from time to time. So, I decided to get into a little bit of "self" therapy and write about it in hopes that I can solve some issues through a little bit of venting. I want to be positive and I want to know that things in my world will get better but all of a sudden, I'm overcome with a great deal of sadness but why?

Maybe the sadness was provoked by my dream world (aka "fantasy land") hitting reality and not going as planned? Maybe it was brought on by the realization that my life isn't really going the way that I had thought it was destined to go? Could it be that I thought I knew what I wanted in a career and I was mistaken? I believe I may have been fooling myself in so many ways. That makes me sad. But what is the one that triggered the sadness? I also wonder if what I'm looking for or holding out for is really out there? I thought I was feeling more secure and sure of myself, but when I get into a position where my feelings are at risk, I freak out and don't know how to deal with it? Is it because I want to hold on to the idea of something that I think will be everything I want and more? Am I truly being unrealistic? Am I living in a dream? Is it because I know (deep down) that I'm scared to death because I have too much to lose and I'm almost willing to sacrifice it? How do you deal with something like this?

Here's the problem in my current world of sadness . . . it makes me question myself. I am questioning who I am, what I am doing, what I really want out of my life, why I'm so affected by these things and what in the world I'm going to do about it all now. I was so wrong when I thought that my emotional issues were going to go away with all of this extra weight and baggage. I guess I was wrong.

So, here's what I'm going to do about it. I'm going to let it go. Do we all know how hard it is to be powerless in a situation? Well, when you're lacking power, what do you do? You either take matters into your own hands, become violent and wreak the situation anyway or you walk away and know that if things were meant to work out a certain way, they would. Who am I to think that I can make things happen the way I want to? Who am I to think that I can be upset when things don't go my way? I am no one. It's time for me to let go.

I guess it's a good thing I have a (long overdue) counseling session tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll get some much needed guidance or direction.

Coming back down!

FINALLY! It feels like it's been forever since I have actually been down on the scale. Fortunately, today (my actual weigh in day) I was down! I'm now getting closer and closer to my goal! YIPEE!!!

Things have been a little be off lately. I'm in a bit of a "funk". I have been dealing with a bit of insomnia lately. I don't really understand. Things are going fairly well. I am experimenting with new foods/recipes, I'm cooking a lot more, I'm being a lot more active, these are all things I love, yet, something is off. I wonder, is this common? I question what the "off" feeling could be, but I can't actually put my finger on it. It could be my lack of social options (especially when I desperately need some social time), it could be the fact that I'm struggling financially, it could be that I am running out of clothes to wear and I don't have any money to get clothes to replace them. I actually tried to wear two pair of dress pants last week and they looked awful. One pair actually looked like I was wearing black pajama bottoms. The fact that I don't have any clothes should be fabulous! But the thought of going to work in pajamas is not so appealing. I sure hope this is just a phase and I jump out of it quickly! I also hope that the clothes fairy is nice to me and shows me some mercy. There is a "clothes fairy" right?

This past week marked my 5 month surgiversary (as many other bloggers like to call it). I can't believe it's been 5 months. Then again, I can't believe it's been only 5 months. Sometimes it feels like I've been at this forever!!! I am so excited to have this chance and this opportunity to change my life. I can't wait to get closer to reaching my goals. I feel such a sense of accomplishment with each step closer. I can't believe I'll be under 200 lbs in just 3 pounds!!!! Sure, that could potentially be a month away (I hope not), but it's only 3 pounds! That's nothing when I see that I've already shed 66!!!! I get so envious of others (when I read their blogs) and see where they are in their journey. I can't wait to be at that point and be able to say, "I wouldn't trade this for the world"!