Peek-a-boo

Oh look! I'm finally checking in!

I wish I could tell you that there are some amazing (and good) reasons that I have not been present in "blog land", but I'd be lying! Sure, I've had some activities and impromptu trips, but there really is no excuse for not keeping myself accountable. And I think that's exactly it! I believe I am going through a bit of a "slump" or a period of time when I just don't know what's going on. I want to be motivated to exercise, but I'm not. I want to eat better, but I continue to make poor choices. I want to have a job, but things are just not going that way right now. What is frustrating to me is that there is NO reason to be in a slump! But I am. And it's icky!

I have actually not been feeling well. I fear that there is something wrong with my digestive system and that takes it's toll on me. Food isn't sitting well. Coffee isn't sitting well. Starving isn't fun. So, I have to figure out what it is. Instead of sit here and feel sorry for myself and continually making myself feel worse by trying to use food as a "cure", I am going back to the basics to see if that helps. Yesterday I was telling myself that I would only consume liquids today. That seemed like a good thing to do to get back to feeling better and then introducing things slowly to find the problem. Yep, great idea. Until this morning! So, I have decided to no go that far back to the basics. I am going to be eating small portions (like I should be anyway), and mild or bland foods. So far, so good. I'm also NOT going to eat because I'm bored or frustrated or sick. I will only eat (a small portion) when I am feeling ACTUAL hunger. This should help with the feeling of illness AND the weight I've gained!

Yep, I said it. I've gained weight. I'm at a scary point and I don't like it. I thought I would never let myself get over the 170 mark. Then when I hovered at 175 I was thinking, "Maybe this is where my body is comfortable?" Then I got to the 180's and I said (to myself, of course), "THIS IS ENOUGH!" Time to get control of my life, my eating, and my exercise. This is what I shall do! Sometimes it takes us admitting to ourselves that there is a problem. This is what I am doing! So, now that it's out there - it needs to be fixed!

So, today is the day! It's HUMP DAY! It's also time to take my life back day - and feel good about it! It's serious now!!! Thanks for letting me fess up. I hope you're all off to a great day!

And I thought not blogging for a week was a big deal?

HELLO!!! It's me! I love that the last item I posted was commenting on the fact that I haven't blogged in over a week. I guess I was trying to shoot for a month this time? Well . . . I didn't make it!!! Whew!!!!

Boy! Has life given me a run for my money or what? Shall I catch you up? Let's do bullets . . .

• Things at work didn't get better. I had let my boss know that if things didn't change or even appear to change that I would no longer be able to work in those conditions.
• I have been unemployed as of Friday, August 24, 2009. I've never been unemployed in my entire adult life and it's scary as all get out. I can say that it was self-induced, but that doesn't mean it's easy.
• I have officially gone back to school to finish what I started so long ago. I will be a California Credentialed Teacher by May 2010! And hopefully have a job/contract by next Fall! I feel good about it.
• My son started 1st grade and he's so advanced that he's bored. We're working on that and I've told his teacher that she has my full support - especially since I will be needing the experience.
• My weight is still about the same. I go from 168 - 171 on a fairly regular basis. I want to kick something into gear because I want to see and feel 160 - maybe even 150's? If it doesn't happen, I'm ok with that. But I want to at least try.
• I've made it my goal to find a gym to join here in Fresno (hopefully this weekend). I haven't been to a gym since I have moved (June, 2009) and I think it's really taking it's toll on me, not only physically but emotionally as well. Who knew that so much stress would be associated with resigning your job?

So, in a nutshell, I've had some serious changes take place over the last few weeks. I was overwhelmed, then got a bit depressed, but now, I see the good that will be coming of it all. I guess you never know what life has in store for you until you take the necessary leaps and jump out of the window!

I will say that I'm excited about having time to find out about myself and about what I want. I am determined to take care of myself. I will be better able to focus on myself and really focus on what I want out of life and step away from the things that I don't want.

I have missed the blogland community and now I don't have to worry about being blocked from work!!! So, watch out friends . . . the comments will be pouring in! I'm so excited to get back into what exciting things are happening in your lives!

It's been a whole week!

I cannot believe that I haven't updated this for a week. Not to mention that I haven't read any blogs either! This has got to change!!!

The good news . . . it looks like the scale is starting to come back down! YIPEE!! 169.5 today. I'll take it! Of course, I went camping this past weekend and worked my butt off! It was tough, but it was fun.

This past weekend was actually the wedding of a very close, dear, friend (and former roommate) of mine. It was a location wedding so there were several people there for the entire weekend. Some stayed in hotels, some in cabins, but Jacob and I stayed in a tent. Fun stuff - tons of work! I'd do it again in a heart beat. Yes, I would make some changes, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

The things I would've done differently bring me to the next order of business/concern. I have been experiencing something post WLS that concerns me. I used to be able to drink socially and not be too much trouble. Sure, I would be loud, giggly, and having a blast, but it never appeared to be a problem. Now, since WLS, I have noticed (on two separate occasions) that I will actually "Black-out" from alcohol consumption. I haven't figured out if it's what is being consumed, if it's an excessive amount, or if it just happens to be a few things. I have never, in my life (prior to WLS) drank so much that I would "black out". It is not a good or fun feeling. I never have believed in a true "black out" period, but now, I can't NOT believe in it. I seriously have NO recollection of what happened for a good chunk of time that night.

I feel like I jeopardized something. I'm not sure exactly what, but it's causing me grief. I feel that it's possible there are people who are disappointed in me. Most of all, I'm disappointed in myself. I know better. I was told that alcohol isn't the same for us WLSers anymore. I do drink the occasional beer here and there, but those occasions don't seem to affect me. It's the mixing that sends me over the edge and now I don't know what to do with it. Am I the only WLSer that has experienced this?

I hate that I have to be so real, and that this reality is negative right now. I have so many things happening in my life that I don't need to add this stress. But I did. And now I have to figure out if I need to fix it, should try to fix it, or just chalk it up to experience and move on? I feel haunted by this bad behavior and I am struggling now with how make it right or if it's even possible.

So, there's been some good news, and some bad news happening in my world. And there's oh so much more to share. I'll be back with a better update. I promise.

I hope all is well in blogland. I'll catch up with you all soon!

Time keeps on slipping . . .

Oh yes! It has happened again. The time has flown by and I haven't even watched it go by! I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Today is a check in/weigh in day. I JUST realized that I didn't even post anything last week. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I was up another 2 lbs last week. Yep, 173. But I am happy to report, that it's back down. Not as much as I'd like, but we're moving in the right direction. I was happy to see the 171 again. Now, on to the 165!!!!

So, next update . . . things at work have been really stressful. I don't even know how to talk about it. Most of the stress and frustration stems from one person. I have talked to my supervisor (the President of the company) several times. We've had meetings about the situation. Yet, still no fix. I don't know how to solve the problem without my leaving.

I must say, I have looked back into finishing the teacher credential program. I only have one year left. The only problem is that this would create a bit of financial hardship for a little while. Right now, I'm just needing to get some direction. I need to know what the best plan for me is. The only problem is that I'm the only one that can make that decision. Do you know how much easier life would be if people just made these decisions for us?

I will say, teaching is something I feel passionate about. I've always wanted to teach, I just keep letting things get in the way of this goal/dream. Am I going to let it happen again? Or am I going to push through and pursue the dream? I'll keep you posted!

Any teachers out there feel like "weighing in" on their thoughts?

I must admit, I feel like the stress at work is hindering my success in other areas of my life. So, if I move on, will I be better focused to take care of myself, my body, and my mind? It's definitely something I'd be interested in finding out.

I haven't kept up at all with blogs and I miss them so. I can't wait to take out some time for me and do my catching up. I hope all is well and I look forward to reading more about all my friends!

Happy Tuesday!!!!

Where do I go to get motivation?

Everyday I attempt to start the day out fresh and new with energy and motivation. Sadly, somewhere between 9am and 12:00pm that energy and motivation are gone! Now, where in the world am I supposed to go to get that back?

It's no surprise (to the people around me) that my place of work has taken a turn from what it has been. That turn has not been on a positive note. We, fortunately, aren't being hit with the threat of laying people off (just yet), but the attitudes and the people are just getting to be unbearable. What in the world do you do when you have a stable job, but you just can't stand to be there? This is what I'm dealing with right now. It's tough.

The problem with these issues is that it's making the rest of my world crumble. I'm stressed out, unhappy, and struggling to be here every day. These feelings/emotions are taking a toll on me physically, mentally and nutritionally. I'm going back to old habits because that's what I know (or think I know) will ease the pain. Not only does it NOT ease the stress/pain/etc., it's making things worse because now I feel like another part of my life is out of control.

I need to gain control. I need to situate things in my world. I need to get back to a state of happiness. I've always said (in my career) that when it's not fun anymore, it's time to look for something else. I think it's time to look for something else.

I have put in an application at a local children's hospital, but I don't really have medical experience. I do know someone that is close to the position and that may help, but you just never know.

I've actually been, seriously, considering biting the bullet and going back to school. I am one year away from a teaching credential and teaching is something that I feel I have a great passion for and I, personally, think I'd be pretty good at it. I've already completed one semester of part time student teaching and it was a great experience. The problem with that option is that it will be very tough to make it financially with school, not having a stable income, and supporting my family. But, I can't stop thinking about that being the best option.

No matter what goes on, I need to regain control. I need to know that I can make it through this. I need to feel like I will succeed and I will not let the stress and emotions get the best of me. I need focus!

I will say, the early morning walks with my sister are a great help. It gets me moving early in the morning and actually gets me better equipped for the day. I need to kick it up a bit, but I have do admit, it's a great place to start!

Aren't you glad it's pre-Friday???

Who invented stress anyway?

Why is it that stress and eating go so well together? I'm finding that I'm under a great deal of stress right now and all I want to do is eat. It's not a hunger issue. It's not a fixation issue. I feel the need to consume things because I think it's going to take the stress away or make it better. Most of the things I want are crunchy! I guess because it makes me feel like I'm doing something like gnashing it away. But, as we all know, it doesn't. Then it just leaves us feeling like we've let ourselves down because most of the crunchy things I lean toward, aren't good for me.

So, how do we overcome this desire? Need? Is there a remedy?

How do we get away from the "drama" of life and let the stress just pass us by? Are there people that aren't affected by stress? If so, what's the key? I want it all to go away. It's so frustrating!

Any magicians out there? Swing your wand this way, please!

Sorry for the venting. I just needed some kind of a distraction - other than cheez-its and doritos!!!

It's all about accountability, right?

In an effort to be honest to myself, about myself, and for myself, I am posting today - even though I really don't want to.

My last post (last week) was positive! I was certain that I was heading in the right direction. I was pretty confident that I had things figured out. But, this week, I got on the scale and was nearly slapped in the face! WHOA! Yep. My scale was up 4 lbs from last week. REALLY? Who gains 4 lbs in a week? Apparently, I do.

I really didn't want to share. I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted it to go away. But, let's be honest, I started this blog for accountability. I want to record the Highs & Lows. It's about recording the success and the set-backs that make this journey a TRUE journey. It's not easy people! Most of us know this. But instead of hiding and running away from the reality, I have to figure out what has gotten me here! So, this is what I intend to do!

I definitely think that the lack of the gym membership and the constant, intentional exercise has played a big part in this. So, back to moving! Intentional moving! Building up the metabolism. I have the new Wii Active game/program and I really want to make that work for me. So, I plan to start the 30 day challenge on July 1! Should be an adventure, right?

I also know that I need to watch what I've been eating. The snacks are slowly, but surely creeping in. I've heard it, from so many others, that the snacks just creep back into our lives before we know it. It certainly has found me. So, I will be conscious of what's going on around me and weed out the unhealthy snacks/choices. Who needs them anyway?

I know, I know, it's only a week. But if I don't take action now and realize what I'm doing, It's possible that it will get the best of me! And I'm SO not ready to let that happen! I've been in a "funk" and I can't let that "funk" drive me to do things that I know aren't good for me. But I know better.

So . . . this roller coaster journey continues!

And we're back . . .

At least I hope so!

Last week was a rough week. Not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, and even dietarily (don't know if that's a real word or not, but I don't mind). So, this week, we're looking for some changes.

Last week, I decided to take the week off of exercise because I wasn't feeling well and I was afraid that if I didn't rest that I would get more sick. Well, I think that was me telling myself to take a break because I wanted to be lazy. Of course, in retrospect, I think taking the week off was a horrible idea. I didn't get any worse, but I'm sure I could've pushed through and maybe even got better more quickly if I had "sweated" it all out? I don't know. But I need to be more aware of my "self-sabotage" and when it's trying to creep in. The really sad part is that I robbed my son of his social/activity hour and he really missed it. I will think twice before I allow us both the sacrifice for a little "rest" or laziness!

I also decided to follow in the foot-steps of a few of my cyber friends and track my daily intake. I picked www.fitday.com to be the current log of my calories/intake. This site will provide me with a pie chart of percentages of types of food. This is where the lovely little site brought me a little slap in the face. I have been consuming 60-65% of my calorie intake in carbs!!!!! This is not acceptable! Especially since I KNOW that I wasn't working them off last week. So, I'm glad that I kept track of this because now I know that I've been lying to myself (or at least not being completely honest) and this could be the reason that I'm not making the progress I want to. So, this week, I get to focus on getting those ugly, evil, yucky carbs out of my diet and hopefully see if that makes any changes.

I feel good about this week. I feel good about making progress and I feel good about making changes that will allow me to be healthier. I have the power to do this. I have the desire to be healthy. I just need to remember that the carbs and lack of exercise were major contributors to the reason I was where I was. I also have to remember how desperate I am and have been to get out of that place. The "new" Heather has to have a "new" plan!

Here's to a great week of success and realizations!

When life gives you lemons, it had better realize that I don't drink lemonade anymore!!!!

I would love to report that today is a fabulous and happy day, but it's not. Not yet anyway.

Today, I stepped on the Wii Fit for my usual Tuesday morning weigh in. And much to my surprise I was the SAME! No joke. So, is that three weeks now that the scale hasn't moved AT ALL? Not even the .2 lbs that I didn't count last week. Yes, it's true, I'm getting frustrated. I will say that I was offered some great suggestions last week (thanks She & Kim H.) and I have already started them. I am drinking WATER. That's right! Not my "weakened" tea that I typically sip on all day, I've already downed a whole bottle of water this morning. Yeah me! I am also going to be getting real close with some protein supplements and really watching my intake. I just want the scale to move a little. Is that too much to ask? I think not.

Yesterday, I went and signed up for the gym. Again, Yeah me! In fact, in the process, I was offered 3 months free if I paid for personal training sessions (basically worked out to be the same price but I get training out of it). Who doesn't need personal training sessions with a fitness professional? Well, I am not one of those people. I'm actually really excited about it. My personal training starts TONIGHT!!!! So, I'm on my way to getting that scale moving - or at least firming up what I already have in hopes of burning off the jiggle. I'll report back tomorrow and let you know how it went.

My job has become really stressful in the last two months and I fear that this may be contributing to eating issues and the results on the scale. I'm not eating a LOT, but I have reverted to snacking because that's what I've done to alleviate stress in the past. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to NOT eat my emotions and it's starting to be a little bit easier. Let's hope sweating out the aggression at the gym really helps in this area also. I don't want to lose/give up my job, but I can't be unhappy and miserable with my work atmosphere either. Things will have to change.

There's my morning in a nutshell. Let's hope and pray that wonderful things happen today to make this day a success.