It's going to be a BIG day!

First off let me start by saying "THANK YOU" for your support and words of encouragement. The news (of not getting the job) was a big deal for me this week, but I'm convinced that it'll all work out. You all shared agreement that it's obviously not where I was/am supposed to be and I'm looking forward to the opportunity that WILL be perfect for me. I'm hoping that the place that does fit will keep me happy for a long time to come. And Jil, I'll take your comments and encouragement any way I can get them late or not - before Laurie or not - with a happy meal toy or without!! :-) Thank you All! You mean a great deal to me!

So on to the BIG day! Today I will be joining my cousin, her daughters and a bunch of friends (in honor of a birthday) for an adventure at Six Flags Magic Mountain. Let's talk about what is so exciting about this. I haven't been to Six Flags in years. So, we all know what this means, right? Previously, when I went to the theme park, I would anxiously stand in line wondering if I was going to fit in the seat belt. On one occasion, the park/ride attendant had to PUSH the restraint/harness down to get it to snap in. I played it off like it wasn't a big deal but in reality I was mortified. Today I will go to this theme park and I am pretty sure that I will fit in EVERY ride I want to go on. I'm not going to say that I'm not going to remember those previous moments or even think (for a moment) that I may not fit. But to be completely real, I WILL fit! I may even have extra room. I cannot tell you how that will feel. But I'm sure that I'll be able to report this when I return.

So, today, I am off for a new adventure. I'm looking to explore happiness (as opposed to anxiety) of a theme park and I am looking forward to having a smile on my face the whole day! Let's hope I get some pictures out of it too! :-)

I hope you're all in for a Happy Friday!!!

Summer has started . . .

It's official, the little muffin (my son) is off for summer! I'm actually excited about getting out and finding fun things to do. We were supposed to be in Southern California, but an unfortunate event with friends caused us to turn around to come back. It's probably better for all of us, so that my friends can rest and recuperate, but now we have an empty calendar that we can't wait to fill. Today, we will be hanging out in the little pool I purchased yesterday. We won't be getting much exercise (it's a small pool just big enough to cool off), but it should be fun.

I've got to admit, I've been in a much better mood lately. I think that the book (Women, Food & God) is really addressing some things that I've been dealing with. The author states that if we're not happy with who we are, we will never be happy once we lose the weight, get the tummy tuck, get the bat wings removed, etc. This is something that I was JUST talking about at the last support group meeting I went to. I keep thinking that things would be better if I wasn't so self conscious about my flabby belly, my no longer present chest, or my flabby arms that continue to wave long after the arm stopped. But lets be honest, if I get a tummy tuck then I'll focus on the imperfect arms, if I get those fixed, I'll focus on the flabby thighs, then the chest, and so on, and so on. It will NEVER end, unless I stop it now. No one is perfect. Not even the seemingly flawless super models and actresses. But some people are great when dealing with it. Others are confident, why do I struggle so much? Do we think it's really possible to let it all go? Can I (we) come to terms with the great things about us and let the other imperfections go? I want to, I really, really want to. I will continue with this book and see how much closer I can get.

That's the update for today. I know that some of you are in for an excellent day (Jil's hubby is coming home today - she HAS to be stoked) and I am just as excited to hear about them. Thank you all for stopping by and providing support. I really do think there's something positive in being involved with some community - even if it's in cyberspace. Thank you!

Now off to the pool! Yippee!

It's been a whole week!

I cannot believe that I haven't updated this for a week. Not to mention that I haven't read any blogs either! This has got to change!!!

The good news . . . it looks like the scale is starting to come back down! YIPEE!! 169.5 today. I'll take it! Of course, I went camping this past weekend and worked my butt off! It was tough, but it was fun.

This past weekend was actually the wedding of a very close, dear, friend (and former roommate) of mine. It was a location wedding so there were several people there for the entire weekend. Some stayed in hotels, some in cabins, but Jacob and I stayed in a tent. Fun stuff - tons of work! I'd do it again in a heart beat. Yes, I would make some changes, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

The things I would've done differently bring me to the next order of business/concern. I have been experiencing something post WLS that concerns me. I used to be able to drink socially and not be too much trouble. Sure, I would be loud, giggly, and having a blast, but it never appeared to be a problem. Now, since WLS, I have noticed (on two separate occasions) that I will actually "Black-out" from alcohol consumption. I haven't figured out if it's what is being consumed, if it's an excessive amount, or if it just happens to be a few things. I have never, in my life (prior to WLS) drank so much that I would "black out". It is not a good or fun feeling. I never have believed in a true "black out" period, but now, I can't NOT believe in it. I seriously have NO recollection of what happened for a good chunk of time that night.

I feel like I jeopardized something. I'm not sure exactly what, but it's causing me grief. I feel that it's possible there are people who are disappointed in me. Most of all, I'm disappointed in myself. I know better. I was told that alcohol isn't the same for us WLSers anymore. I do drink the occasional beer here and there, but those occasions don't seem to affect me. It's the mixing that sends me over the edge and now I don't know what to do with it. Am I the only WLSer that has experienced this?

I hate that I have to be so real, and that this reality is negative right now. I have so many things happening in my life that I don't need to add this stress. But I did. And now I have to figure out if I need to fix it, should try to fix it, or just chalk it up to experience and move on? I feel haunted by this bad behavior and I am struggling now with how make it right or if it's even possible.

So, there's been some good news, and some bad news happening in my world. And there's oh so much more to share. I'll be back with a better update. I promise.

I hope all is well in blogland. I'll catch up with you all soon!

It's all about accountability, right?

In an effort to be honest to myself, about myself, and for myself, I am posting today - even though I really don't want to.

My last post (last week) was positive! I was certain that I was heading in the right direction. I was pretty confident that I had things figured out. But, this week, I got on the scale and was nearly slapped in the face! WHOA! Yep. My scale was up 4 lbs from last week. REALLY? Who gains 4 lbs in a week? Apparently, I do.

I really didn't want to share. I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted it to go away. But, let's be honest, I started this blog for accountability. I want to record the Highs & Lows. It's about recording the success and the set-backs that make this journey a TRUE journey. It's not easy people! Most of us know this. But instead of hiding and running away from the reality, I have to figure out what has gotten me here! So, this is what I intend to do!

I definitely think that the lack of the gym membership and the constant, intentional exercise has played a big part in this. So, back to moving! Intentional moving! Building up the metabolism. I have the new Wii Active game/program and I really want to make that work for me. So, I plan to start the 30 day challenge on July 1! Should be an adventure, right?

I also know that I need to watch what I've been eating. The snacks are slowly, but surely creeping in. I've heard it, from so many others, that the snacks just creep back into our lives before we know it. It certainly has found me. So, I will be conscious of what's going on around me and weed out the unhealthy snacks/choices. Who needs them anyway?

I know, I know, it's only a week. But if I don't take action now and realize what I'm doing, It's possible that it will get the best of me! And I'm SO not ready to let that happen! I've been in a "funk" and I can't let that "funk" drive me to do things that I know aren't good for me. But I know better.

So . . . this roller coaster journey continues!

Where has the time gone . . . .

Oh, I wish I could answer that question!!!

It has been so long since I've been able to even get online, let alone try to provide an update. So, here is my first attempt! It may be sketchy, but I'll get back, I promise!

A LOT has happened since my last entry in "blogland". So, let's catch you up!

1) I have officially moved!! Yes, it's true! It's taken nearly a MONTH to get everything done. I can happily say that I turned in the keys to my former residence on Saturday and felt the weight lifted as I drove away. I'm still having to drive to Visalia for my son's school, but tomorrow is my last day of that! YIPEE!!!

2) I skipped over my "surgiversary"! Again, it's true!!! My 1 year anniversary of my surgery was May 22, 2009! The sad thing is, I've been so busy, I didn't even get to celebrate. Not that I had any money to do anything, but I'm sure I'll make up for the celebration soon! I'm always up for suggestions!

So, naturally, with an anniversary, comes an appointment with the surgeon! And, I'm happy to say that it went well. I SO wanted to have lost 100 lbs by the time I saw him. Unfortunately, the day I saw him, I was 3 lbs shy of that goal. He was still excited for me. He told me that if I didn't lose another pound he was considering me a big success. That - of course - made me feel good. Though he did say, "I want you to try to go another 10 - 15 lbs just because I think you'll love it". He's funny. But, I agreed with him. I still have a good 10 - 15 to lose, just to see what It feels like!

The other good news is that all of my blood work came back great. All of the levels were good. Except for the protein. He told me that I need to get more protein because either I'm not getting enough or I'm not absorbing as much as I should be. So, protein supplements are back in my world! Let's see how that pans out.

There was one bad/ify report. I had explained some of the discomfort I've been having in the past month. I explained it as a feeling of "gall bladder" pain, but I had that removed almost 20 years ago (yes, I was young). And I've also been feeling like there's a ball rolling around in my abdomen/stomach. Unfortunately, Dr. Swartz thinks that there's a possibility that I have an intestinal hernia. The only way to diagnose and solve the problem is through a laproscopic/exploratory surgery. He asked if I wanted to go through with it and I said, "What would you do in my case?" He, of course, said, "If I were you, I'd have it done. It's better to be safe and fix it early than to let it go on and create damage." So, I am scheduled for surgery on Thursday.

3) Work has been absolutely horrendous! In fact, I've threatened to walk out (to myself, of course) more than once in the last two weeks. It's tough. I'm not good about not being happy. I'm not good about having to work with people who are miserable and make it their job to make me miserable too. I'm happy to report, though, that today has been a good day. I'm thinking that "This too shall pass" and I will be all the more stronger for it!

4) Weigh ins! I have been weighing in, I just haven't updated you all! So sorry! I, today, am down 99 lbs!!! I know, I know, why won't that one little pound just disappear? I have a feeling that I may have a little set back due to the surgery, but I'm not going to give up yet! I'm in this to win it! Stress can't keep me down. Intestinal distress can't keep me down. Not even moving in with a bunch of crazies will keep me down! I'm in it!!! I'll get there. You watch me!!! :-)

5) I lost track of the 30 for 30 challenge. I was doing great! Then, I became a little overwhelmed with all of the moving and downsizing and work, etc. that I forgot to keep track of the actual activity I was doing. I kept myself moving most of the time, but I didn't do "intentional" exercise everyday. I feel awful that I failed the challenge. All in all, I probably missed about 3 days. But I did learn from the experience. I learned how easy it will be to not exercise if I let things get in the way. I will keep on keeping on and dedicate myself to intentional activity.

6) Blog reading! I'm so sadly behind! But . . .since I'll be laid up this week (thanks to the surgery), I'll get a chance to catch up! I feel so far behind! I want to know what's going on in blogland! All of my cyber friends are so inspiring, touching, and wonderful bloggers, I want to catch up! I'll get back in the groove! I promise!

I'm certain I haven't caught you up on everything, but I feel better getting this stuff off of my chest! I hope all is well! I hope to be commenting on your lives/blogs VERY SOON!!!!!

It's Thursday? When did that happen?

So, I was sitting here realizing that I didn't get to post on my weekly weigh in day. Here I thought I was only a day behind. Then, I realized, it's THURSDAY!!!!

I'm in over my head. It's true. Work has been extremely tough and has kept me so busy I haven't been able to read blogs/keep up to date/let alone think about something that I get to post for myself. Then, in the evenings, I'm spending the time that I have packing and cleaning and moving and all that jazz.

I will say . . . I have still be able to do at LEAST 30 minutes of intentional activity for the 30 for 30 challenge. I may be cheating a little bit because a few times I've used moving and packing, but it is constant movement and I even wake up sore in the mornings. I certainly hope that life (as I currently know it) will slow down and allow me to enjoy a little more.

I DID make it on the scale this week. I don't know if it's good or bad, but the scale didn't move! It's good - because it didn't go up. It's bad - because it didn't go down either. I will not make my goal of being 100 lighter by my 1 year surgeons appointment (unless I can drop 6 lbs in 4 days), but I'm ok with that.

I found a piece of paper the other day, in my moving frenzy, and I was so blown away by this finding. The paper had a list of goals that I had written out a year ago (before surgery). I was so blown away because back then, I don't think I believed in myself. It really opened my eyes to what I truly was feeling last year (and so many times before).

Here are some things on the list:

• Be under 200 lbs
• Be able to shop in a "non" large sized store
• Be able to exercise for more than 20 minutes without feeling like I was going to die
• Be able to purchase undergarments from Victoria's Secret

The fun thing about the items on the list? I've done them all! And I'm still improving!!!!! I have been focusing on being all the way to goal, or on being done with this journey. But the reality is . . . I will NEVER be done. I will always be focused on this goal of being healthy and I will always be striving to be better and keep it off.

I may never get to what I originally thought of as a "number goal" but I have achieved so much already that it doesn't matter. I am a success and I can do all of the things that I thought were too hard (as of last year). I am grateful for the tool and the gift that I have . I am excited to be closing this first year of trials, experiments, tests, and milestones. I'm really looking forward to living as the newer, healthier version of me!

Recovered, finally!

It has only taken me a FULL week to recover from last weekend's cruise. Thank God the recovery finally came! I'm starting to feel much more like myself and not so "drugged" by the ocean (and it's movement). Don't get me wrong, I could still use a few more hours of sleep, but that's what the weekend is about, right? Let's hope!

Still no word on the camera. Still devastated/disappointed about it. There were some really cute pictures on there. I'm still praying that it turns up. I don't even care as much about the camera as much as I care about the photos/memory card/memories. Enough about that! My Mom and I did purchase some of the professional photos on the cruise. Let's hope I can get them scanned in so I can share a little of the fun with everyone.

I do have to admit, being all cruise "hung over" I have skipped the gym the entire week! Hmmm, do you think that may have had something to do with my dwindling energy? Nah! Ok, maybe. But, I'll be back on Monday! Woo hoo!!!!

I do have a better attitude. This whole "roller coaster journey" is a tough experience, but it is so great to know that others face and deal with the same things. It was so great to hear from all of you and get the encouragement that I so desperately needed. Apparently, we all have our layers of protection for one reason or another and when that protection is gone, I think it's a little bit scary. I have a new outlook and I have a more positive attitude and I'm ready to accept myself and the changes I am going through. What a crazy journey!

So, it's been a tough week, but a good week. I'm looking forward to my weeks getting better and better!

May I have your attention, please?

So, I mentioned in my post yesterday that I had learned a few things about myself. One of the more major things that I learned about myself is how I've always seemed to avoid attention - necessary attention or not. I was always the "chubby" girl so I didn't get a whole lot of attention from a lot of people - especially of the male persuasion - and I was ok with this. I probably used that layer of excess to hide myself from having to be noticed and approached. That was also how I justified not getting the attention - the idea that "I'm fat, nobody will be interested in me". Yep, that's exactly what I did.

Well, this past weekend forced me to realize that I am now getting more attention than I'm used to and I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't have as much of the "protective" layer anymore and so I can't use it as my excuse to run and hide or convince people that they shouldn't be interested in me. Now, I have to face it. But how? How can we not be the "chubby" girl, when that's all we know? How can we believe that what the other person is seeing isn't necessarily what we see (or think we see)?

This past weekend I was approached by a few gentlemen (at various times). They were, clearly, trying to flirt but I diverted them to "the cute girls at the end of the bar". And yes, I did use those exact words. It's not that I don't believe that I'm cute or worth being flirted with, I just don't believe that they would want to be flirting with me. So, I sent them on.

Then, one persistent (and quite cute) fellow kept trying. And because he was NOT giving up, I allowed myself to flirt back. That, in turn, brought on vulnerability because he was "cute" and he liked me. This is something that I'm completely not used to. The problem was, that I wanted more interaction/flirting/attention. Yet, I knew that this little flirting session wasn't going to go anywhere because 1) we were on a cruise ship 2) he was not from the USA 3) I don't know that I believed what he was saying about me. But maybe that was because I didn't believe it myself? I'm not gonna lie, it was sure fun getting the attention. And, it made me want to spend all sorts of time with him so that he would keep telling me things and I might even have started to believe it. Of course, that didn't happen - I barely saw him after that evening, but it was still fun.

This brought me to a few questions and struggles in my current (not as chubby) world. How do I prevent myself from being vulnerable and possibly "settle" just because I may be getting extra attention? I'm still the same person as I was 96 pounds ago, why do I let my guard down so much more quickly than I did when I did have the protective layer? How do I know when someone is being genuine about wanting to "get to know me"? How do I know that these guys really are interested? How can I stop feeling so insecure about meeting people and dating relationships? Just because I have been unsuccessful in the past, doesn't mean that there's no success for my relationships of the future. Right?

I know that this is a big rambling session. I know that I need to find the answers to these questions for myself. I just needed an outlet and/or a sounding board so that I can really be open and aware of the struggles and insecurities I face. Maybe just getting it off my chest will open new ideas and avenues so that I can answer these questions?

Talk about laying it all out there! Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to throw a pitty party or anything, I just need to sort out the true thoughts in my head so I can get the negativity out of it and bring in some positive thoughts and directions. I felt it necessary and I actually feel better just having vented a bit. Now, I guess I have some questions to answer! My therapist is going to love this one! :-)

She's back . . .

Barely!!!

It's true, it's true! I'm back from vacation! Unfortunately, now I REALLY need a vacation. I'm exhausted! That's not exactly how I had planned for things to work, but what can you do? Right?

So, last Thursday 26 of my family members and I took a cruise to Ensenada, Mexico. It was a great time! I did learn a LOT from this weekend. I'm not sure if I can/should blog about it all, but it was definitely a learning experience (from various perspectives).

Today also happens to be the day that I do my weekly weigh in. Sure enough, I LOST WEIGHT! What? I know! It's true, it's true, there is a way to lose weight on a cruise. Unfortunately, it's probably not the healthiest way to do it, but it happened. I probably drank more than I ate (not a good thing). Sometimes, that's what family and having fun will do to you. This is just one of the things I had learned (there is no need to consume so much alcohol! It makes me crazy).

Another thing that I learned about myself while I was away was how much I depend on my WLS cyber friends & blog postings. I honestly almost felt lost not being in contact with what was happening. I kept wondering what you all were doing and how I was going to share about my experiences. I even wondered, if I were more connected, would I have gotten so carried away?

Anyway, I did end up having a fabulous time. I didn't get nearly enough sleep and haven't been able to sleep well since I've been back. I'm hoping that (now that I'm back to work & the routine) I'll be able to catch up and get some good sleep tonight. I certainly need it, before I go pulling my hair out.

I will say, it's strange, when I do fall asleep, I have crazy dreams about the ship that I was on, people that were on it and how many ways I lost my camera. Yep! I lost my camera on the first night! I'm devastated and I really think it's taking a toll on me (even emotionally). Doesn't that sound crazy? I so wanted to have new photos to post and be able to share about my experiences and have things to back them up, but I recklessly lost the camera and it's really getting to me. I don't even really know why it's affecting me so much, but it is. I just keep praying that it will be found and returned to me. I know that the camera is replaceable, but the photos on it are not.

I do have so much to say, share, ponder and really get a grip on - but I have so much to do and catch up on that I just can't concentrate on it right now. Maybe it'll be a multiple-post day? Besides, I have a ton of reading/catching up to do to find out how everyone else has been while I've been out.

I hope all is well and I can't wait to hear about all the stories I've missed since I have been gone.