What a WOW weekend!

Yes, it's true. I had a major turning point/"wow" moment this weekend! I actually had quite a weekend of realizations and coming to terms with "me" that made for a very freeing experience. I've been battling with some of my thoughts and emotions for a little while. This weekend I came to the realization that I had set my sights on something that may not be the best thing for me. The good part about this is that I'm ok with this decision. When I came to terms with this realization, I experienced a sort of freedom, confidence, and understanding that there's more out there for me and I am ready to move on. Sure, it could've been a sad moment, but that's not what I wanted it to be, therefore, it wasn't. It was great! I felt like I had a new clarity, I had turned a new leaf, and I was excited about the other leaves I was going to get to turn over!

So, the real "WOW" moment came when I decided that I needed a new pair of jeans. I had decided that I was going to go to a club to watch a friend of mine break out his stand-up routine. Well, I certainly couldn't go in what I had, so I had to borrow a cute shirt and I thought I'd go out and get a pair of jeans that fit me so I'd look good for this occasion.

I decided to go to Kohl's because I know that they have Levi's and those typically look decent on me. So, I went in and gathered up about 7 different styles of Levi's (529, 505, 548, etc.) in a size 14, feeling pretty confident that they would fit. Well, as I was walking away, I saw a size 12 and I thought to myself, "I'm gonna grab this just to see how far I am away from fitting in them". Let's keep in mind, I've never (in my adult life) been a size 12. Maybe 5th grade or so, but definitely not since the teen years. So, even though I thought it was laughable, I brought them with me.

I get to the dressing room and I figured that if I'm going to be depressed by the size 12 then I may as well put them on first so I know how much work I have to put in to get them on. So, I did! Much to my surprise, they came all the way up. Yep! And then, the even bigger surprise was that they buttoned AND zipped without my even sucking in my gut. NO WAY! Are you serious? These must have been miss labeled. A 12???? REALLY??? I almost cried! My poor little 5 year old had no idea what to think of me. I asked him if they looked good and he said, "ummm, I'm going to say YES!" It was cute. It was sweet. And he was just as excited for me as I was. So, I said, "What do I do now? All I brought in were size 14s and these 12s." Jacob so kindly said, "I'll go get you 12s Mom. I think that's what you'll need". What a great kid! So we ventured out and got about 4 styles in the 12s and I walked out with 2 pair of the size 12 Levis and a huge grin on my face. Sure, the grin was mostly in dis-belief, but boy was I grinning! I still don't think they look like size 12 nor do I think I look like I should fit in a size 12, but I'm certainly NOT taking them back!!! :-)

The great thing about this weekend is that I have a new motivation. I am being rewarded for the trials and the hard times I've been dealing with and it's really making me want to work harder and do more. I'm excited to see what else there is in store. What is next? Bring on the WOW moments!!!!!

Success of the year (so far at least) . . .

Yes, there has been success so far this year and I'm happy to share about it!

First, I said I was going to get back on the Wii Fit and I did! I got on this morning for not only a body test, but a few exercises also! I should've stayed on a lot longer, but I was short on time and vowed to hit it up again soon (if not tonight).

Second, I got back into the kitchen this week and have been playing with yummy (and healthy) recipes. Of course, the 5 minute WLS lemon cake I wanted so badly came out so badly so I'll have to attempt that one again with a few revisions. But I've got some plans to do more tonight. Cooking/playing in the kitchen is really therapeutic for me and I'm sad that I don't do more. AT the same time, I hate having leftovers that I can't eat and no one else likes to try. So, I'll do my best to find a happy medium, or a great way to save the good stuff.

Third, I went on a rampage last night. Sadly, I didn't finish any of the four projects I started, but they were started AND will be finished this weekend. One of those projects (along with the Christmas tree tear down and the cleaning up of the little one's room) was cleaning out my closet. I had 4 full garbage bags worth of clothes that I will not be wearing again. I had NO idea that I had so many clothes - mostly because I never fit into them or planned to and passed them up. In fact, there was one pair of navy green (if that's even a color) pants that I was so excited about fitting back into. They were my favorite pants years ago when I was at my (then) lowest weight ever. Well, I tried them on and they were too big! I missed the window! So, they are getting donated to someone that will hopefully get as much enjoyment out of them as I once did (YEARS ago).

Last, I'm back to feeling more positive. I even went back to one of my old past time actions (that I hadn't done in a while) and sent out some little packages to friends just because they were on my mind. They aren't expecting it, and I'm excited (and hoping) that it'll put a smile on their face just to know they are cared for.

I know that I can make the changes I need to and be dedicated to the improvement of me. I'm looking forward to seeing who I can become knowing that I can get better and be better every day!

Is it really happening?

I think I'm losing a bit of motivation. Maybe I'm just tired? Things haven't been going "my" way completely and I just don't like that. A lot of things have suffered since I've been experiencing this exhaustion and I've just let them slip. This is probably something that's not helping my emotional health either. I haven't been on the Wii Fit (except to weigh and do a body test once a week) in way too long. I miss it. But I don't want to get up in the mornings and I don't want to do much after work, but I have to get my booty in shape. What in the world is stopping me? I have an elliptical trainer in the garage that doesn't hate me anymore (thanks to my shedding of 86 lbs), but I'm not getting on that either. It's a new year. It's supposed to be a good year. Why is it starting off so darn tough?

So, what am I going to do about it? I'm going to make a change! I'm going to start doing things even though I don't want to so that I will want to soon (knowing that I feel so much better when I'm doing them). I think this will also help me to keep my self in check and focused. Because I haven't been exercising, I've had more time to obsess about things. That is NEVER a good thing. So, with the extra time and effort I'll put into the exercise, the less time I'll have to obsess. That has to be a good thing, right?

So, the Wii Fit and I will begin dating again. I miss the poor little trainer and I'm certain that the trainer misses me - right? Hey, I may even start dating the elliptical machine again too (boy, do I get around). That greasy hunk of metal gets my heart pounding and my sweat flowing every time. Sure, it's not always going to do for me (I need some knee-knocking too), but I'll take what I can get until my warm and cuddly exercise partner comes around/along!

I'm ready to focus more. I'm ready to obsess less. And I'm ready to look and feel great! Wii can do this! :-)

On a better note . . .

I don't like having to experience sadness. I don't like having to write about it. But, at the same time, it was therapeutic for me. I did get things off of my chest and it did make me feel better. I even posted a "positive" blog on MySpace in hopes of getting back to a place of happiness for myself. And, sure enough, it worked. YEAH!

So, I am better today. I have resolved to be better today. I had put all of my "eggs" into one basket and they were starting to break. So, now, I'm going to allow myself to slowly redistribute the eggs and not worry about them. Sounds great and like a good idea, but we all know how that works, right?

Another good thing that happened today was that I read a blog (http://bigcitygirl.blogspot.com/) that really spoke to me. I know the blog writer wasn't intending to speak to me, she was sharing about herself but BOY did it get me. She said some pretty amazing things about the fact that her "inner voice" is trying to protect her. I believe that my inner voice is having the same effect on me. Trying to prevent the hurt before I get to experience the greatness. I need to work on that and I need to know that I am worth bigger and better things. It's just the process of getting there that takes so much work!

So, I'm determined to have a better day. I'm looking forward to greatness (whether it's today, tomorrow, or 10 years from now). I know that I am worth it and I'm striving to believe it!

And then there was sadness . . .

Have you ever had to face an unknown sadness? I thought things were going well for me. I hate to be in a bad mood but I really hate to deal with sadness. I keep thinking that I'm doing a great job at keeping a positive attitude, I've felt good but I guess the sadness has to be expressed from time to time. So, I decided to get into a little bit of "self" therapy and write about it in hopes that I can solve some issues through a little bit of venting. I want to be positive and I want to know that things in my world will get better but all of a sudden, I'm overcome with a great deal of sadness but why?

Maybe the sadness was provoked by my dream world (aka "fantasy land") hitting reality and not going as planned? Maybe it was brought on by the realization that my life isn't really going the way that I had thought it was destined to go? Could it be that I thought I knew what I wanted in a career and I was mistaken? I believe I may have been fooling myself in so many ways. That makes me sad. But what is the one that triggered the sadness? I also wonder if what I'm looking for or holding out for is really out there? I thought I was feeling more secure and sure of myself, but when I get into a position where my feelings are at risk, I freak out and don't know how to deal with it? Is it because I want to hold on to the idea of something that I think will be everything I want and more? Am I truly being unrealistic? Am I living in a dream? Is it because I know (deep down) that I'm scared to death because I have too much to lose and I'm almost willing to sacrifice it? How do you deal with something like this?

Here's the problem in my current world of sadness . . . it makes me question myself. I am questioning who I am, what I am doing, what I really want out of my life, why I'm so affected by these things and what in the world I'm going to do about it all now. I was so wrong when I thought that my emotional issues were going to go away with all of this extra weight and baggage. I guess I was wrong.

So, here's what I'm going to do about it. I'm going to let it go. Do we all know how hard it is to be powerless in a situation? Well, when you're lacking power, what do you do? You either take matters into your own hands, become violent and wreak the situation anyway or you walk away and know that if things were meant to work out a certain way, they would. Who am I to think that I can make things happen the way I want to? Who am I to think that I can be upset when things don't go my way? I am no one. It's time for me to let go.

I guess it's a good thing I have a (long overdue) counseling session tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll get some much needed guidance or direction.

A weigh in "first"!

For the first time in my short "weigh in" accountability history, the Wii Fit/scale didn't move an ounce from last week. SERIOUSLY, the scale said I had lost 0.0. Does this really happen? In a whole week? I will say, this is better than gaining - right?

When I put it all into perspective, it's incredibly fair that I haven't dropped any weight. The good news is that I'm not sad about it. December was a big month for me. I had dropped a lot, I had been very active, I had forgotten to eat several times. Well, after Christmas, that all stopped. We had several days to do NOTHING but play video games, sit around with family and friends, and just be lazy. I haven't been lazy like that in a while. It was nice, but now it's time to get back to the grind!

I will say, there was a part of me that thought/thinks that this is where it all stops. I've never been this low (weight wise) in my entire adult life. I am flabbergasted. I'm excited to be here, but I also fear that this will be it. Fortunately, that fear is only in a small portion of my though process and I'm going to work really hard to overcome this idea. Now the goal is to just get off my butt and make it happen!

Who'd have thought?

Did you really ever think that you'd make it to 2009? I'm not talking about last week, but I'm talking about years ago when even making it to the year 2000 was a ghastly idea. Well, here we are! Alive and kicking - right? Sure, some of us might be alive with the screaming & kicking, but we're alive none the less!

I'm sure we've all taken a moment to reflect on what the last year held and then plan our triumphs for the year ahead. Maybe this year we can get even closer to the things that we really want for ourselves? I think my most current issue is allowing myself to know that I'm worth it. So, this year, I'll be working on me. Working on knowing that I am worth those special things. I'll be working on letting myself act on those things. I'll be working on feeling better, physically and emotionally (and financially). I need to know that I can be all of the things that I want to be. I need to know that it's out there for me and it's ok to want it and it's especially ok to get it when I do want it. I want to be more this year than I have in the past. And I'm actually excited about it!

It's strange to think that this time last year I was plotting the diet I was going to use to get to a healthy me knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it. I planned out all of the goals that (in my head) I knew I couldn't achieve - or so I thought. But I set them anyway. Much to my surprise, through a different approach, I've now made it to some of them. Sure, I may not have the financial stability that I had set out for, or the cleanest car on the block (like I wanted), but I have achieved a goal of health. I've achieved my goal of a better emotional well being and I've achieved my goal of being me (even though I'm still accepting that).

It's been a tough, exhausting, experimental year, but in retrospect, I am glad to have found all that I have. I'm also glad that I'm able to appreciate the transition and the struggle with a positive attitude. I'm grateful for the experience of 2008. I'm so looking forward to the new experiences that 2009 will bring!

Happy New Year!