Tuesday? Already?

Yes, it is Tuesday and I don't have any clever reasons or antics to get out of weighing in today. So, the verdict is . . . I'm down 1.5 lbs! YIPEE!!! I'm now only 2.5 lbs away from my first MAJOR goal! That, of course, is to have lost 100 lbs before my Surgiversary on May 22! I don't know, but it's starting to look like I might make it! REALLY??? Now that will change my day around! Now, if I could only come up with a good "reward"!

I've been neglecting the blog somewhat consciously for a few days. I had a lot going on last week and I didn't really know how to sort it all out. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I look so different than what I'm used to. I'm also having to come to terms with that I still struggle with body image and body image issues. I am sure that I'm not the only one facing these issues, but they do force me to question what is going on in my head and how I really need to deal with these. Guess I'll be arranging for a therapy session soon!

On a more positive note, I'm feeling good about my exercise regime. I'm starting to feel like there's muscle - under the soft, squishy exterior, of course. But, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling muscles in my arms, legs, and quite possibly in my abs! It's a good feeling! And now, I just want more!!! Unfortunately, I'll have to skip the gym again tonight because I'm at home dealing with a poor, sick, little boy, but I'll get some sort of exercise in - even it's wrestling with the little man to get medicine down his throat! :-)

I'm trying to make this a good day! At least it started on the right foot!! Thank you Wii Fit! :-)

The secret is out!

Yep! It's my birthday! Happy birthday to me! (Thank you Laurie! What a bright and shiny day you have started!)

Isn't it strange how as we get older birthdays seem so much less significant? Is that because we no longer want to admit that we are getting older or are we just sick of celebrating them? Whatever it is, it's just not as fun as it used to be. But, that doesn't mean that I'm not going to have a great day!

So, in honor of my B-day, I decided to give myself a few things. 1) I didn't weigh today because I didn't want to be disappointed (just in case). I don't know that I would've been, but I'd rather not take the chance. 2) I'm sacrificing the gym tonight and rescheduling my appointment with Micah. Who wants to get beat up in the gym on their birthday? So, I over did it yesterday instead! Yeah me! 3) I'm giving myself a great attitude today, in spite of recent events (to be explained another time). I am entitled to a great day!

The plan for today? I'm taking off of work early today! Yes sir! And going to a movie (The Fast and the Furious - eye candy anyone?). A movie in the middle of the day? How cool is that? And then I'm having a free birthday burger at Red Robin with my son and some friends. Nothing too fancy, nothing over the top, just some good old fashioned fun.

I hope everyone is in for a fabulous day!

Time to catch up & face a challenge!

This has been a very busy week for me. But it's been mostly good. That's a bonus!

So, Tuesday, I was scheduled to meet with Micah. I went to the gym - but before the gym I decided to have a little snack of strawberries & whipped cream. This ended up being a bad idea, but I didn't find that out until later. I was at the gym doing my cardio (for 30 min. before I met with Micah) and I was trucking along just fine. When it was 6pm, I went downstairs to wait. While waiting, all of a sudden, that sick/dumping feeling came on. All I could think about was how to get home. How was I supposed to work out? How was I supposed to lift weights? Well, 10 minutes goes by and still no Micah. All I know is that I have to get out of there and get out fast! So, I went to the front desk and told them that I was going to have to reschedule. They were trying to convince me that Micah was there, but I didn't care, I needed to run home and curl up into a fetal position until the feeling passed. EEEWWWW. At least I got a good 30 minute workout in before the feeling hit.

So, that is twice now that too much fruit has caused some problems. What does that mean? Lay off the fruit, Heather!!!!! Good advice. I think I'm going to follow it. Of course, I can have a little, but not much. I'll keep tabs on that, just so I don't get stuck like that again.

The other good news is that I felt better yesterday, naturally, and so I went back for a lovely little gym session. Much to my surprise, Micah was there and he was more than willing to fit me in. So, we WORKED and WORKED HARD last night! It felt great and now I can't wait to keep it up. It feels good. I have more energy and I can't wait to start seeing and feeling results!

On another note, I was reading Janine's (http://journeytoaminime.blogspot.com) this morning and she had extended a challenge. She has been following some video blogs (aka - vlogs) and one of them had issued a challenge to create four statements and the statements were to begin as:
I can
I will
I want
I won't

So, Janine, I am accepting your challenge and I am writing in response to your blog. I think this is a very good exercise and a great reminder of what we have, can, and will achieve! Thank you for your suggestion and for sharing your thoughts!

Here's how my statements go:
I can achieve the goals I have set for myself - regardless of how much time they take!
I will remain positive about how far I've come and how much my life has changed for the better!
I want to accept and appreciate myself for who I am and where I'm going.
I won't allow myself to believe that I am not worth all of the things I'm working toward!

Thank you for the challenge. It feels good to participate in exercises such as this because it almost forces us to look at things in a different light. I'd be interested to see what all my other blogger friends would say. Consider yourself challenged!!!

What to do with a Tuesday . . .

Well, I know what I do with Tuesdays, I weigh in (whether I like it or not)! I must say, today, I was dreading having to get on the scale. I was trying to convince myself that I could wait until tomorrow, but that's not being very accountable - is it?

The good news is . . . I was exactly the same! Still under 175, even under 174. I'm at 173 - still! I think that I was nervous because I had lost 3 lbs in one week and that (in my head) just couldn't have stayed off. But it did! So, I am grateful for this. I don't think I will make it to my initial goal of having lost 100lbs by my birthday (one week from today), but I think 96 lbs is pretty darn good!!! And no one can take that achievement away from me. :-)

I made it back to the gym last night and it felt great! Sure, I'm a little bit exhausted today, but I'm back! I get to meet up with Micah and see what kind of "butt kicking" he's going to give me. Fortunately, I'm looking forward to it. I like the challenge. I like the idea that results will follow (eventually). I don't always like the pain while I'm in it, but I do like the after effects. It's as they say . . . "Beauty is pain".

I have noticed, also, that since vacation, my appetite has been so much different as well as the amount of food that I can eat. It's almost as if the cruise was some sort of a "pouch test". I never felt over full on the trip. I never even cared if I ate or not. In fact, one night, we (my cousins and I) skipped dinner all together. I think of this transition as a good thing because I was really getting concerned with the amount that I was eating. But now, I feel like I'm a little bit more in control and I like it.

I know that this is quite the rambling post. I just have a lot of things rolling around in my head and I wanted to get them out. Thanks for keeping up with them!

I hope all is well in your world. I look forward to more positive postings - both reading and writing!

At least I get one photographic memory . . .

So, I finally scanned in a photo (or two) from the professional photographers (yes, very cheesy photos) on the cruise. Between my mother and I, we purchased about 5 of them. Some good, some, not so good. I cropped one and now will be using this as my "head shot" or profile pic. It's a little cheesy, but fun!

I'm in good spirits today! This is good news! I even had another exhausting weekend - acting like a teenager and staying out until 3am! But it was great! The weather is great and it makes me want to be in a better mood - regardless of the sleep I'm lacking! :-)

Now, the trainer is out to get me. Micah caught me cheating myself of the gym. He called me last night to remind me that I haven't seen him in a while and he thinks we should get together again tomorrow. I told him I'm ready! So, back the to gym we go! YIPEE!!! I'm actually ready for it. I need my energy back!!!

So, now a report on the date. It actually went well. I must admit it was the best first date I think I may have ever had. Now, I'm not saying that it's going anywhere - but it could, I guess. It was great and I now have a little bit of a better attitude about dating - I think. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't uncomfortable, it wasn't boring. We had a great time and I'd really look forward to going out again! But, because I'm the old-fashioned type, this poor boy is going to have to put in the work (at least up front)!

I just wanted to share a quick post for this crazy Monday. I hope all is well and I look forward to the weekly reports from all of you!!!!

Recovered, finally!

It has only taken me a FULL week to recover from last weekend's cruise. Thank God the recovery finally came! I'm starting to feel much more like myself and not so "drugged" by the ocean (and it's movement). Don't get me wrong, I could still use a few more hours of sleep, but that's what the weekend is about, right? Let's hope!

Still no word on the camera. Still devastated/disappointed about it. There were some really cute pictures on there. I'm still praying that it turns up. I don't even care as much about the camera as much as I care about the photos/memory card/memories. Enough about that! My Mom and I did purchase some of the professional photos on the cruise. Let's hope I can get them scanned in so I can share a little of the fun with everyone.

I do have to admit, being all cruise "hung over" I have skipped the gym the entire week! Hmmm, do you think that may have had something to do with my dwindling energy? Nah! Ok, maybe. But, I'll be back on Monday! Woo hoo!!!!

I do have a better attitude. This whole "roller coaster journey" is a tough experience, but it is so great to know that others face and deal with the same things. It was so great to hear from all of you and get the encouragement that I so desperately needed. Apparently, we all have our layers of protection for one reason or another and when that protection is gone, I think it's a little bit scary. I have a new outlook and I have a more positive attitude and I'm ready to accept myself and the changes I am going through. What a crazy journey!

So, it's been a tough week, but a good week. I'm looking forward to my weeks getting better and better!

May I have your attention, please?

So, I mentioned in my post yesterday that I had learned a few things about myself. One of the more major things that I learned about myself is how I've always seemed to avoid attention - necessary attention or not. I was always the "chubby" girl so I didn't get a whole lot of attention from a lot of people - especially of the male persuasion - and I was ok with this. I probably used that layer of excess to hide myself from having to be noticed and approached. That was also how I justified not getting the attention - the idea that "I'm fat, nobody will be interested in me". Yep, that's exactly what I did.

Well, this past weekend forced me to realize that I am now getting more attention than I'm used to and I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't have as much of the "protective" layer anymore and so I can't use it as my excuse to run and hide or convince people that they shouldn't be interested in me. Now, I have to face it. But how? How can we not be the "chubby" girl, when that's all we know? How can we believe that what the other person is seeing isn't necessarily what we see (or think we see)?

This past weekend I was approached by a few gentlemen (at various times). They were, clearly, trying to flirt but I diverted them to "the cute girls at the end of the bar". And yes, I did use those exact words. It's not that I don't believe that I'm cute or worth being flirted with, I just don't believe that they would want to be flirting with me. So, I sent them on.

Then, one persistent (and quite cute) fellow kept trying. And because he was NOT giving up, I allowed myself to flirt back. That, in turn, brought on vulnerability because he was "cute" and he liked me. This is something that I'm completely not used to. The problem was, that I wanted more interaction/flirting/attention. Yet, I knew that this little flirting session wasn't going to go anywhere because 1) we were on a cruise ship 2) he was not from the USA 3) I don't know that I believed what he was saying about me. But maybe that was because I didn't believe it myself? I'm not gonna lie, it was sure fun getting the attention. And, it made me want to spend all sorts of time with him so that he would keep telling me things and I might even have started to believe it. Of course, that didn't happen - I barely saw him after that evening, but it was still fun.

This brought me to a few questions and struggles in my current (not as chubby) world. How do I prevent myself from being vulnerable and possibly "settle" just because I may be getting extra attention? I'm still the same person as I was 96 pounds ago, why do I let my guard down so much more quickly than I did when I did have the protective layer? How do I know when someone is being genuine about wanting to "get to know me"? How do I know that these guys really are interested? How can I stop feeling so insecure about meeting people and dating relationships? Just because I have been unsuccessful in the past, doesn't mean that there's no success for my relationships of the future. Right?

I know that this is a big rambling session. I know that I need to find the answers to these questions for myself. I just needed an outlet and/or a sounding board so that I can really be open and aware of the struggles and insecurities I face. Maybe just getting it off my chest will open new ideas and avenues so that I can answer these questions?

Talk about laying it all out there! Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to throw a pitty party or anything, I just need to sort out the true thoughts in my head so I can get the negativity out of it and bring in some positive thoughts and directions. I felt it necessary and I actually feel better just having vented a bit. Now, I guess I have some questions to answer! My therapist is going to love this one! :-)