Heather's Roller Coaster Journey

It worked!

2010-08-27T10:19:00.001-07:00

Guess who got somewhat motivated and out of the house yesterday? ME!! YIPEE! Sure, it took some effort, but I did it. I even got some housework done too. I just need to change my focus a bit. In stead of being sad and upset that things aren't going my way, I should take advantage of having so much time on my hands. Pretty soon, I won't have any free time (hopefully).

Today I got out of the house and walked my son to school. It felt so good. It was only a 7 minute walk and it made me wonder, "Why don't we do this every day?" I think I'm going to change that. We both need more exercise in our lives.

Fortunately, I get to get out of the house today too!!! One of my best friends and I are meeting for lunch. I'm super excited and looking forward to getting out and doing something other than stalking the employment website. It's the small things that make me happy.

I hope we're all experiencing the best Friday possible!

Under the weather?

2010-08-26T10:45:00.000-07:00

How is it possible that I am sick in 110 degree weather? Sickness gathers in cold temperatures, right? Well, I guess this bug decided to get me in the heat of summer. Yep. I'm at home (not that I have a job to keep me busy anyway) and I think I have the flu. ICK! It's not fun, but I'm learning to deal with it (I'm on day two and I'm not good at feeling ill - can you tell?).

So, feeling crappy (as I am) has sparked my thought process. Do you think it's possible that I was attacked by this illness because I am not myself? I am not the active, positive, upbeat, passionate person that I normally am. I need a drive. I need to have something to feel good about and be proud of. Unfortunately, I'm discouraged and that makes it very difficult to get myself motivated and out doing what I should be doing. This is not healthy. Could this be what lead to my being overcome with illness? Well this is certainly not good.

What will it take for me to focus my energy on cleaning, exercising, eating well, or even being out and about? I need to find it. I MUST find the trick. My sanity depends on it!

I think this slight depression/illness/lack of drive has contributed to my "slacker" attitude when it comes to blogging. I'm not afraid of being judged, I'm afraid of sounding like I've given up or I don't care. Maybe I'm afraid of it because there is a part of me that has given up. Well, that's not good enough for me. I need to focus. I need to get myself together. I need to feel better. I need to figure out how to do this.

For today, it is my duty to pull myself together. I need to just take some Tylenol - feel slightly better- and get something accomplished today. NO more wallowing in my self-pity/illness. I will focus on feeling better and getting something accomplished today. YES! That's the goal!

I look forward to posting good results tomorrow!

Happy Thursday!

Happy to report . . .

2010-08-18T10:03:00.000-07:00

Success! Yes, the root canal was a grueling experience for a 7 year old who has never had a cavity. But, success none the less! One the "freak out" subsided, he did great! I can remember the screams and cries of the little one, "I wish this never happened", but he came out even braver than he was before! That's gotta say something.

Unfortunately, he'll still have to start school with 1 1/2 less teeth than he left with in June, but he'll get those fixed on August 31. I keep telling him that this way he GETS to tell his story and his friends HAVE to believe it because he has proof. After August 31, we're hoping you won't even be able to tell!

I, on the other hand, can dish out the positive thoughts and encouragement but I can't really get myself to be positive about the job situation. It's tough. I am now one of 4 people that have not yet found a job from my entire program. I'm trying to keep my chin up, but with the last school district starting on Monday, I'm feeling a bit discouraged. Sure, I keep hearing that once school starts they will realize that they need more teachers, but it's tough to start late. Of course, I'll take what I can get, but I want things to happen the way I want them to happen. Unfortunately, I don't get to control things and I get to deal with what happens. So, now, I learn a lesson in patience, faith, and trust! So, here goes! Let's hope I get an "A". :-)

I have a few other things I would like to vent or ramble about, I'm just not so sure I'm ready. After a trip to the library with the little one I may be able to sort out my thoughts! I hope we're all in for a fantabulous day and I look forward to posting good thoughts and words of encouragement that even I will be able to accept!

Happy Wednesday!

It's going to be a MONDAY!

2010-08-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

I am not exactly looking forward to today. The fact that today is Monday just tops it off. Today, I get to take my 7 year old for a root canal. Yep! About a month ago we went to a water park and my son fell and cracked/broke his two front (permanent) teeth. Well, the injury killed the nerve in the tooth that had the least physical damage. So, now he gets to have a root canal. Here's why it's so scary. I've never even had a root canal. I don't know what to expect. I KNOW that he doesn't do well with needles and I don't do well with him being in pain. So, what's a parent supposed to do? I don't know, so I just freak out a little bit and let him know that I love him dearly! :-)

The doctor that is performing the procedure has already said that the kids typically do better when the parents are not in the room. He said that I'm welcome to stay, but I may not want to - for the good of my little one. I'll, of course, leave it up to him. I think the doctor is right, but I think I'll freak out more than the little one will. EEEKKK.

So, I'm praying for my nerves today. I want to be calm, cool, and collected. Unfortunately, it's easier said than done. So, thought a little vent session this morning would help! Let's hope it does!

I hope blogland is having a fantastic day!!

Do the days seem to run together for anyone else, or is it just me?

2010-08-10T11:06:00.000-07:00

Howdy, howdy!

First, I have to mention that one of my most favorite bloggers ever is having/hosting a give away! You should go and check out Laurie's blog! She's quite amazing.

Now, for the update on my world! I met with a friend/former roommate of mine last week. This was a great time for us too really catch up, especially since she recently went through the Lap-Band procedure. This was also a great opportunity for me to listen to some of the things she's been doing and it has sparked my interest as well. I find it fascinating that there are thousands of WLS surgeons out there and I think EVERY one of them gives you different advice. Her surgeon had suggested that she wait an entire hour after eating before drinking any liquids. My surgeon had suggested 30 minutes before & 30 minutes after. So, I thought to myself, "It can't hurt to try, right?" So I did! All weekend long I was really conscious of my liquid intake and I really do think it made a difference. I've been snacking less and forcing myself to drink a lot more water! So, I'm going to keep it up.

I haven't been consistent with my exercise, but I have been moving a lot more. I keep saying I will - and I will! I just need to get my butt moving so I can lose it (or at least 10 - 15 lbs of it). So, I'm not going to beat myself up, I'm just going to be encouraged and know that it will happen and I will love it!

I am sad to report that there is nothing new on the job front. I'm trying not to be discouraged, but it's tough. I need to be positive that things will work out. I'm saying my prayers and trusting that "THE" job will appear very soon!

So, here's to keeping ourselves motivated and encouraged! Happy Tuesday!!!

Peek-a-boo

2010-08-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

Oh look! I'm finally checking in!

I wish I could tell you that there are some amazing (and good) reasons that I have not been present in "blog land", but I'd be lying! Sure, I've had some activities and impromptu trips, but there really is no excuse for not keeping myself accountable. And I think that's exactly it! I believe I am going through a bit of a "slump" or a period of time when I just don't know what's going on. I want to be motivated to exercise, but I'm not. I want to eat better, but I continue to make poor choices. I want to have a job, but things are just not going that way right now. What is frustrating to me is that there is NO reason to be in a slump! But I am. And it's icky!

I have actually not been feeling well. I fear that there is something wrong with my digestive system and that takes it's toll on me. Food isn't sitting well. Coffee isn't sitting well. Starving isn't fun. So, I have to figure out what it is. Instead of sit here and feel sorry for myself and continually making myself feel worse by trying to use food as a "cure", I am going back to the basics to see if that helps. Yesterday I was telling myself that I would only consume liquids today. That seemed like a good thing to do to get back to feeling better and then introducing things slowly to find the problem. Yep, great idea. Until this morning! So, I have decided to no go that far back to the basics. I am going to be eating small portions (like I should be anyway), and mild or bland foods. So far, so good. I'm also NOT going to eat because I'm bored or frustrated or sick. I will only eat (a small portion) when I am feeling ACTUAL hunger. This should help with the feeling of illness AND the weight I've gained!

Yep, I said it. I've gained weight. I'm at a scary point and I don't like it. I thought I would never let myself get over the 170 mark. Then when I hovered at 175 I was thinking, "Maybe this is where my body is comfortable?" Then I got to the 180's and I said (to myself, of course), "THIS IS ENOUGH!" Time to get control of my life, my eating, and my exercise. This is what I shall do! Sometimes it takes us admitting to ourselves that there is a problem. This is what I am doing! So, now that it's out there - it needs to be fixed!

So, today is the day! It's HUMP DAY! It's also time to take my life back day - and feel good about it! It's serious now!!! Thanks for letting me fess up. I hope you're all off to a great day!

Thursday 13 - Kids say the darndest things edition

2010-07-23T08:10:00.000-07:00

Yet again, I have fallen into the procrastination trap! I know it’s Friday (and I’m behind), but it’s better late than never, right?? Because my little one cracks me up so much, I thought I’d share a few things that he’s said lately that make me laugh. I need to start writing these things down so I can relive the experiences for years to come!

1. I was looking through pictures one day to find some “before” photos for a project I was working on. My son peers over my shoulder and says, “Mom, you look fat there and are wearing way too much lipstick.” Boy, kids are so honest!

2. My son came home from his first day of summer “campus club” and let me know he met a girl. He was so excited because she let him hold her hand. Then I asked, “What is her name?” He replied, “Mom, we didn’t get that far.”

3. While we were sitting down finishing our dinner I had asked him to taste something that I had a feeling he wouldn’t like. He replied with, “I would love to Mom, but I’m cutting back. I need to lose some weight.” I guess that’s a constant that he hears in my house.

4. On Mother’s Day we were talking about gifts. I said, “A good gift for a Mom to receive would be a child who listens, minds, and does what they are supposed to.” My son replied with, “Whew, it’s a good thing I already got you a gift.”

5. My son makes a funny sound when he drinks. I was irritated with this one day and I decided to say something to him. He kept making the noise. I couldn’t figure out if he was trying to drink without the noise or if he just liked to hear it. He then calmly turned to me and said, “Mom, it’s natural. You’re going to have to get used to it.”

6. I still like to call the little one “baby”. Apparently, he doesn’t like that. Who knew? So, one day, when we were in the car he said, “I know it will be hard but can you not call me baby anymore? It’s ok if we are at home, but not out – ok?” Who knew a seven year old could be so concerned, and recognize how difficult it will be for me. Sweetheart!

7. “Mom, she likes me because I’ve got crazy dance moves.”

8. “Oh, my beautiful teeth!” – said right after he fell on a water slide and knocked out his two, front, permanent teeth (this just happened about 3 weeks ago). Can we say vain?

9. “I’m seven, but I look like an 8 or 9 year old, huh?” I guess I have talked about how big my kid is a little too much?

10. “Free food is so much better than pay for food, right?” – can you tell that my son doesn’t like to eat out. He’s a strange one.

11. When trying to get out of sleeping in his own bed, he came to me and said, “Mom, I think I should sleep with you because I don’t want you to be scared and have bad dreams. If I sleep with you, I can be right here to protect you.”

12. “We’ve got lots of things we could eat – at home.” Yet another tactic to not have to go out to eat.

13. I went through a phase where I was going on dates. I think Jacob was a little jealous and he said that he wanted to take me on a date. So, I agreed (because it was sweet as can be). We were talking about how he was going to take me to my favorite place, open the doors, order for me, and things he had seen on TV or something. I then said, “Are you going to pay for it too.” He said, “yes.” Then I asked, “Where are you going to get the money?” He quickly replied with, “I guess I’m going to have to borrow some money.”

Just rethinking these moments has put a very big smile on my face today. I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff, but I sure do get a kick out of it. I could write a book!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others’ comments. It’s easy, and fun!

Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Another one bites the dust . . .

2010-07-20T12:22:00.000-07:00

Happy Tuesday!

I'm back from the Family Reunion Adventure. We had so many catastrophes (most of them minor, thankfully) that I couldn't wait to get home, just to make sure I was safe. There were 45-50 of our crazy family members together and in 3 days we had 8 accidents/injuries/etc. NO JOKE! Maybe the whole reunion thing wasn't a good thing? Fortunately, all survived and all are improving (if they hadn't improved over the weekend). I can say, we had a blast, but we also had moments that we could've (and should've) lived without. From the forehead gash/infection, to the heat exhaustion, to the collision of boats, to the choking, to the tripping, to the falling onto the boat dock and the heart attack scare, we have created some serious stories - I bet there are more, I just don't care to remember them all. This was a weekend that showed us how much we love and appreciate our family. Believe it or not, we can't wait to be together again. Of course this will have to wait until everyone heals! I LOVE my family!!

In other news . . . I received a call yesterday stating that I was not selected for the job - again. This one didn't surprise me, based on the experience I had at the interview. I was told that the person that was selected had a lot of experience with this grade level. Again, back to the drawing board! Sure, I'm still trying to remain positive. Unfortunately, it's difficult. But, this too shall pass! I know that greatness is out there and that is what I will wait for. It will be worth it!

I've also decided that I need to get my rear in gear! I'm going to get back to my exercise & healthy eating. I figure that if I'm feeling great about myself, then good things can happen. When I'm feeling bloated, lethargic, and not-so great, people can see that. I want to be the best I can be because I want to get the best possible for me!! So, I'm making changes! I need more water, more exercise/movement, and less food. Can't be that difficult, right? Once I have a full plan, I'm sure I'll be sharing it!

I hope all are well and having a fantastic week! I look forward to hearing/reading what happened in your lives this past weekend! :-)

Procrastinate much?

2010-07-16T07:13:00.000-07:00

Well, as a matter of fact I do! Thank you for asking!

I've procrastinated so much this week that I even thought I could do my Thursday - 13 on Friday morning. Then, I realized that wasn't right so I didn't post one at all. How's that for procrastination? Wait, wouldn't that just be failure to follow through? Hmmm, we'll have to think about that!

I'm heading out to a family reunion today. I'm super excited about the get-away. The whole family (probably about 50 - 60 of us) are meeting at a lake resort to ski, play in the water, boat, act like crazy people (which we are) & just be together. I can't wait to be there. I take that back. If I couldn't wait to be there - I would have been packed by now. Right? Thanks to procrastination, I'm JUST NOW starting laundry I need to take. Boy! Anyone out there have a cure for this procrastination thing?? Does that come in a pill form?

Fortunately, I only mildly procrastinated yesterday. I had an interview. The interview was at 1:30pm and I was up early to prepare. I had put together packets of my resume, letters of recommendation, and all the other things that make me look great (on paper). I washed my car, gathered my portfolio, and was ready to take on the day. I got to the interview and it was the strangest experience yet. I was in a room with 4 strange people that I did/do not know and they each asked me four questions. The questions were read, I answered, they moved on to the next. I was trying to be energetic and bubbly (like I typically am) but it didn't change the mood in the room one bit. I didn't get smiles, affirmations, nods or anything! Can we say "awkward"? I can, and I did! I have to say, I did the best I could and if being "me" doesn't get the job, then I don't want it. I should hear more by Saturday.

I hope you're all in for a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend. I hope to have a wonderful weekend and have some amazing stories to share from the family get-a-way. I look forward to reading your fun stories too!!!

Happy Friday!

Anyone else just trying to catch up?

2010-07-14T07:47:00.001-07:00

Wow! When did Wednesday get here? I've been in a bit of a tunnel since last week. Boy, have I had some adventures!

It's funny how dependent we become on little things like "technology". I was trying to be proactive and get some things (like my iPhone) updated. I felt good about it until I "fried" my phone! I lost everything! The phone wouldn't even turn on/off. I had a blank screen and no where to go. I was without a phone for over 24 hours this weekend (through Monday). I constantly claim that I do not get calls or say that I don't "need" to be contacted or have contact with others so much. I was so wrong! I was nearly lost without that thing! Not to mention that I have applications and resumes out and can't very well receive the call to be interviewed without my phone! Fortunately, I was able to march into the Apple store (had to make an appointment) and get it all fixed. I lost a bunch of my contacts and things, but I was able to get the phone restored and even got a call for an interview!!! YIPEE!

This week started rough, but it is turning out to be good. I received OFFICIAL notification this morning that I am now a CALIFORNIA CREDENTIALED TEACHER! Celebration is in order. On second thought, I will wait to celebrate until AFTER tomorrow's interview! Yep! I have an interview tomorrow for a 5th grade position (fingers crossed & prayers are flying). I'm trying to hold back with telling people and getting my hopes up, but I can't help but be grateful for the opportunity. One of them has to work out, right??

So, in a nut shell, I've had/seen the good, the bad, and the ugly this week. But I've got some great things to look forward to and I choose to be excited about those good things!

Happy Wednesday!

Thursday - 13 - "To do list" edition

2010-07-08T09:02:00.000-07:00

It's Thursday!

We've made it and I'm excited about my 2nd week with the Thursday 13 crew! I was thinking about what to list today and I was reminded of a list I used to keep when I was about 20. I had created a list of 20 things I wanted to do in my lifetime. The cool think was that when I did something from the list, I'd create a new "thing" to add to my list. So, today I am going to list 13 of the things I still want to do! Here goes . . .

1. Travel/visit all 50 states. So far, I have 18 states under my belt and I have a few more to go! This one may take a long time, but with my list of festivals, I'm sure I'll get there soon! So, Laurie & Jil, watch out! I'll be in Texas at some point!! :-)

2. Be a teacher, if only for a year. This was on my very first list. The good news is that I've put in a lot of hard work to reach this goal and I'm so close (I have now officially been recommended to receive a California State Teaching Credential)- just a classroom/job away. But I wanted to include this because I still haven't accomplished it - but I WILL!

3. Drink a Guinness in a pub in Ireland. When I was younger my aunt had visited Ireland. I was so taken by the photos that she brought back that I have been fascinated with Ireland ever since. I will get there and I can't wait!

4. Ride in a hot air balloon. Have you ever just wondered what it would be like to leisurely coast over beautiful land? I have and I want to experience it for myself! Every year, in my town, we have hot air balloons gather and ride right over our house. One of these days I'll be in one!

5. Experience a gondola ride in Venice. I have an adventurous nature about me, but most of it is just in traveling and experiencing new things (not like eating bugs and such). I see and hear about people going on these breath taking adventures and I want to get in on that too!

6. See the Eiffel Tower in Paris. I can look at pictures of this tower all day long. I want to be there! I want to see it! I want a picture of the tower with ME in it! That's one picture I'd be happy to have!

7. Join a bowling league. I'm not the best bowler. In fact, I'm not even really good at it. But I enjoy the social aspects of bowling and I would love to be part of a team. This would probably help me to be a better bowler. If not, it may bring me new friends.

8. Watch roller derby live! I didn't realize I wanted to participate in something like this until I saw the movie "Whip It". I had so much fun watching the sport in the movie that I would love to see this live! I'm not sure I could ever participate in a league (I break too easily) but I sure would like to be a part of the crowd. I'm not even sure if they have roller derby in my town. This one may force me to travel. :-)

9. Be able to run/jog for at least 1 mile without stopping. This is something that seems to silly to some (those that run on a regular basis), but I've never been able to do this. I have just recently met people and read blogs about people that are runners or have become runners and I am inspired. This is something that doesn't cost money but could provide great benefits (health, exercise, adventure, stress relief).

10. Learn how to successfully make home-made tortillas. Again, this may seem minor or silly. I love my aunt's homemade tortillas. I have been wanting to do this for a long time (not that I need to eat them). I have attempted to make tortillas myself but I either don't have the right recipe or I'm just horrible at making them. So, I will be (hopefully) taking some lessons and be able to make home made tortillas whenever I want! :-)

11. Create a video and post it on You Tube. I'm not quite sure what I would create, but I think it would be fun to be able to say that I created a movie/video and others (from around the world) could watch it. How cool would that be? I'm open for suggestions.

12. Purchase a Tiffany & Co jewelry set (ring, earrings, necklace). I love the Tiffany & Co. silver jewelry sets because they can be simple yet elegant. This may take some serious money saving, but I think it would be worth it.

13. Have a full day "make-over" (including wardrobe) followed by a nice evening of dinner and dancing with people I love! We never seem to take enough time to allow ourselves to feel like a million bucks. We deserve to show off who we are and we should make a point to take care of that.

What a list! I had best get started. I'm curious to know if anyone has already taken care of one of these. If you have, how was it??

Happy Thursday everyone!!!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

It's on my to do list . . .

2010-07-07T10:47:00.000-07:00

As I sit here playing on the computer I have the TV on in the background. A commercial comes on that speaks to my day. The voice says, "It's on my to do list" and he starts listing all sorts of things with a tone that says, "there will never be enough time to get to them all". Well, that's exactly how I feel. I keep saying, "That's what I'm going to take care of this summer." Yet, some how, these things are slipping through my grasp just as quickly as time is flying by. Who knew that July would get here so quickly? It's funny how a commercial can speak to you (me) and remind us that there will always be things to do and time will get the best of us if we don't watch out. We just have to set priorities, right?

Today is the first day that I've taken my son to an "all day" summer vacation spot. I had decided that he'd benefit from having a social outlet this summer so he doesn't get bored with me (which he does). It also helps me to get stuff done and not get stressed out by a bored/under occupied little one. So, I've got the WHOLE day to take care of my list!!!

For me, I get to look forward to a day of accomplishments. Sure, some of these may be mini-accomplishments but I'll take what I can get.

Wishing everyone a happy day full of accomplishments!

How can I make a difference today?

2010-07-02T09:51:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here "playing" on my computer while my son is sitting (just a few feet away from me) playing a video game. I started thinking, "hey, this is what we did yesterday." I'm nearly ashamed to admit it, but it was a sad day. I was obsessively searching for jobs, submitting applications, and checking to see if anyone had read or responded to those. Sure, we got up and away from our technology for an hour to clean. But honestly, one hour to be up and at 'em in an 8 hour time frame? This is not acceptable! Yes, I did get up, shower, and take the little giant to karate, but really? Do you know what we could've done with those 8 hours? A LOT!

So, today, this will change. We will make a difference and a change in our lives today. I haven't yet decided what we will do, but it's going to be something and it's going to be active! I'm thinking about hitting the roller rink, the library, or the craft store (by the way, I'm always up for suggestions). Something so that the little one doesn't have to say, "I just played video games all day long." What kind of a summer would that be??

Here's to creating a very fun, eventful, and happy Friday! I hope you are all able to make a difference in today too!!!

Happy Friday!

Thursday Thirteen!

2010-07-01T13:57:00.000-07:00

I decided to get off my "sour apple" sort of a day and jump on the band wagon with Laurie and Kim. So, I am attempting to join the Thursday Thirteen bunch! Yahoo. Here is my first T-13 post and I'm going to write about the festivals that take place in the United States that I would like to attend. This all started from a simple show on the Food Network and these festivals are tugging at my "heart strings". I plan to hit these over the next few summers/years to come!

Festivals to attend (in no particular order). . .

The Garlic Festival (Gilroy, CA) - Gilroy is actually pretty close to where I live, yet I've never made it. This needs to change next year!
The Banana Split Festival (Willmington, Ohio) - Who wouldn't want to go to a banana split festival? Doesn't this just sound divine? And I've never been to Ohio. What would be a better excuse than a festival to go to?
Pig on the Pond (Clermont, FL) - I'm not quite sure what this adventure would hold, but I'm guessing it has to do with the many ways to prepare a pig. If nothing else, it sounds like an adventure and it would get me to Florida.
National Buffalo Wing Festival (Buffalo, NY) - I have been to New York, but never been to Buffalo. Since I love a good buffalo chicken wing, I would imagine this would be a great place to get some good ones!
Valparaiso Popcorn Festival (Valparaiso, Indiana) - I LOVE popcorn. I would love to go to a festival that's featured guest is popcorn. At this festival they have recipes that are not usual that have to feature popcorn. Food Network did a special on this and it looks like it would be a blast! I can't wait!
Georgia Peach Festival (FortValley & Byron, GA) - I love peaches! Though I can't really eat many peaches anymore, I still love them and would love to experience all of the things you can do with peaches. Bring it on!
National Cherry Blossom Festival (Washington, DC) - I have heard some incredible things about the Cherry Blossom Festival and I would love to be there to experience them for myself. Plus, this takes place at our nation's capital. I'd get to sight see and take in the festivities. Can't wait to pack my bags for this one!
California Avocado Festival (Carpinteria, CA) - Now, this one I could hit this year! I love avocados and could make a mean guacamole. I would love to see what other things could come out of avocados!
The Zellwood Corn Festival (Zellwood, FL) - A friend of mine had told me about this festival. What a great vegetable to focus on - corn! Corn is in everything these days. I want to see if they create dresses and art out of it too!
California Strawberry Festival (Oxnard, CA) - Now doesn't this just sound delicious? I love strawberries! I may not be able to do them all day long, but at least I could say I tried, right?
Boston Blues Festival (Boston, MA) - who wouldn't love to go to Boston and experience a blues festival? Ok, Ok, I don't typically think of blues & Boston going together, but I like the blues and I am itching to experience Boston - so, now I have an excuse. :-)
Beale Street Music Festival (Memphis, TN) - My family (grandparents) were from Memphis and it's a place I would love to see. I've heard about this festival from many people and would love to experience it for myself.
Mardi Gras (New Orleans, LA) - I may not be the "take off your top and flash everyone" type, but I'd still love to see (if only once) the madness and chaos associated with this extremely famous event. I can only imagine the craziness that happens during a time like this. Someday . . . I will experience it (modestly, of course).

I'm always up for good suggestions and adventures. Let me know if there's a festival in your area that would be worth a trip!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Hmmmm, could it be nerves?

2010-07-01T10:01:00.000-07:00

As I sit here and wonder why I haven't posted anything in a few days, my mind hits a little glitch. Could it be nerves? What have a got to be nervous about? Let's see, life in general? Yep! It's true. Is it fair to call it nerves? Is it anxiety? Is it fear? Is it disappointment? Could it be failure? Sure, it could be any one of those things. I'm just going to call it nerves.

What's making me so nervous? Here we go . . .

I'm nervous that I'm not going to find a job before school starts. There are so few jobs and I've been on several interviews for jobs that I haven't been selected to receive. I am applying for everything I can, but I'm nervous about the procedure because there are so many looking for so few jobs. I want to have something to focus all of my attention on and put forth energy. Because without something to focus on, I tend to stay in my own little world/or circle and that just isn't what I want to do.
I'm nervous that I am going to run out of money and not be able to support my child or myself without heavily depending on my family. It's sad that I can look on the "child support" website and see that the "biological" owes $30,000 that I will probably never see a penny of. I never have expected it. But boy, wouldn't that be nice to have?? I'm sad that I even think about it - but I do. I put receiving that money up there with winning the lottery. Sure, it could happen, but not likely.
I'm nervous about losing my passion for things. I haven't been unemployed (until now) since I turned 16! That's a lot of years of work. I've always had something to work toward, focus on and be passionate about. Even while I was in school I had a huge drive and a huge passion for these students. I am nervous that the few disappointments will cause a set back. I don't want that!
I'm nervous that my eating is out of control. I will have to get this under serious control or I will not have any clothes to wear when I DO get a job! (see that, still thinking positively - that's a good sign, right?)

So, now that I've come to terms with what makes me nervous - I MUST tackle them! If I can kick Monday's butt, why can't I kick these nerves? I CAN! And I will. I think I needed to list them so that I know what I have to tackle.

Here's to calming my nerves!!!

Back in the saddle again . . .

2010-06-28T08:51:00.000-07:00

Oh yes! I'm back! And it's MONDAY!! Happy Monday to you!

So, what does Monday mean to me? THIS MONDAY (today) means it's time to get back to the important things in life. No more excuses about stress. No more excuses about not having time. I have all the time in world (right now) to get back on track. It's time for me to be closely watching what I shovel into my mouth. It's time for me to be aware of how much (or how little) my body is moving and make it happen! No more excuses! I can't say I'm too stressed out - I'm not working. I can't say I don't have time - I have all the time in the world right now. I can't say that I can't do it - I've got to try! The excuses are just that. An excuse to be lazy and to slip back into what I know (being overweight). I can't do that. It's just not an option. So, to everyone that is changing there focus today - I'm with you!!!

Not only is it Monday, it's going to be a scorcher today (supposed to get to 108 degrees today - ouch)! So, if I am to get back on to my "band wagon" I had better get it is started NOW! My son has already asked if we can go on a bike ride. It's 8am. What did I say? In a minute. Well, in a minute means it will then be too hot. So, hot or not - we will be going on a bike ride. I said we would and I'm sticking to my word! There's nothing like having a seven year old be your inspiration to keep moving. I think he's good for me! :-)

So, back to the last post, I did make it to Six Flags and I fit - with more than enough room. The only problem is that I didn't have the padding so the rides kind of hurt this time. I'll take the hurt and the less padding as a fair exchange! Had a blast, but didn't get any pictures. I'll have to take care of that soon! :-)

It's strange, now that I think of it. I still have the "I don't like pictures" mentality. This doesn't make much sense because when I see a recent picture I think "Wow, that's a pretty good photo". You would think I'd want to be in all of the pictures. I guess these things take time. I will focus on getting in more. I guess it goes to show that old habits die hard.

I'm inspired. I'm positive. Today is a new day, starting a new week. It's going to be a good one, because I am going to make it a good one! I hope we are all able to find inspiration today. It's a beautiful day - no matter where we are - because we're in it!

It's going to be a BIG day!

2010-06-25T07:44:00.000-07:00

First off let me start by saying "THANK YOU" for your support and words of encouragement. The news (of not getting the job) was a big deal for me this week, but I'm convinced that it'll all work out. You all shared agreement that it's obviously not where I was/am supposed to be and I'm looking forward to the opportunity that WILL be perfect for me. I'm hoping that the place that does fit will keep me happy for a long time to come. And Jil, I'll take your comments and encouragement any way I can get them late or not - before Laurie or not - with a happy meal toy or without!! :-) Thank you All! You mean a great deal to me!

So on to the BIG day! Today I will be joining my cousin, her daughters and a bunch of friends (in honor of a birthday) for an adventure at Six Flags Magic Mountain. Let's talk about what is so exciting about this. I haven't been to Six Flags in years. So, we all know what this means, right? Previously, when I went to the theme park, I would anxiously stand in line wondering if I was going to fit in the seat belt. On one occasion, the park/ride attendant had to PUSH the restraint/harness down to get it to snap in. I played it off like it wasn't a big deal but in reality I was mortified. Today I will go to this theme park and I am pretty sure that I will fit in EVERY ride I want to go on. I'm not going to say that I'm not going to remember those previous moments or even think (for a moment) that I may not fit. But to be completely real, I WILL fit! I may even have extra room. I cannot tell you how that will feel. But I'm sure that I'll be able to report this when I return.

So, today, I am off for a new adventure. I'm looking to explore happiness (as opposed to anxiety) of a theme park and I am looking forward to having a smile on my face the whole day! Let's hope I get some pictures out of it too! :-)

I hope you're all in for a Happy Friday!!!

The verdict is in . . .

2010-06-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

I really do wish I could post good news today. Unfortunately, I received a call this morning that I wasn't selected for the position. I so appreciate that I had so much encouragement, prayers, and well wishes. That really made me feel good, confident, and successful.

I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that when a "door" closes, another will open. So, I am taking this disappointment as a minor set back and I have to have faith that this didn't work out because I am supposed to be somewhere else. I must admit, this one hurt. But I need to realize that it wasn't because I wasn't the best I could be. I just wasn't the right fit this time.

The principal did tell me that there were 250 applicants for this one position. He narrowed it down to 12 for the first round of interviews and I got selected as one of the top three. He mentioned that this was an incredibly difficult decision because the top three were really, really good. He said that he was going to forward my information to every school in his district and if a position came open at his school, it would be mine. So, that has to be a good thing, right?

I'm not going to lie, I've been on an emotional roller coaster over this one. There's a huge part of me that wants to know what that "it" factor was. Was there anything I could've or should've said differently? But at the same time, I left the interview yesterday being scared to death that I would get the position. I know that sounds strange, but lets be honest . . . this will be my first year as a teacher. Could I live up to the high standards and expectations that the principal and the school have? Would I be the best, absolute best, for these students? I don't know - because I've never done it before. There's a good chance that the person that was selected has proof that they know exactly what they are doing and can produce outstanding results. I plan to have those one day, but this principal would've had to take a chance on me for that. I can do it, I know I can, but I'm intimidated and even a little scared. That's normal, right?

So, back to the drawing board for me. I will keep praying that the right position, school, district, etc. comes along. And we'll hope and pray that happens before I pull all my hair out. I don't have much to begin with. :-)

Now, on to something positive . . . I slept last night! Yes sir! I didn't wake up at my usual 3:30am. I even forgot to set my alarm and woke up 10 minutes later than I normally do. Whopee! I do hate having insomnia, but I sure do love the days after - when I sleep like a rock!

Today is a new day. No, huge, obligations and a possible play date for the little one. I'm ready to turn this day around. Just because it started with bad news, doesn't mean it has to end that way, right? Thank you for allowing me the vent session. I look forward to having a some more positive things to report tomorrow!

Wishing you all a very happy day!

It worked, It worked!

2010-06-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for the well wishes and "good luck". The interview went well, or so it seems. I was asked to come back today at 1:40pm (PST). I'm in the top three! It's funny because just saying that makes me feel like I'm on American Idol or something like that. I really, really want to be the top one! Will you keep your good thoughts coming again today? I would LOVE to land this one!

It's going to be a busy day today. Thanks to the insomnia - again - it will be a long one too! Today is the "exit" interview for the teacher credential program I'm in. If they don't like what I've done/put together, they can choose to not send a recommendation. No, I don't really think that will happen, but I guess you never know.

Then after that, I have the 2nd interview with the school that I really want. Can anyone tell me how to land that one? I am just being me, and the good thing about that is that "me" means that I'm really excited to be a teacher and it's obvious. I hope that's a good thing. The principal says that the decision will be made tonight. Boy, tonight seems like ages away.

So, the goal for today is to stay positive! I need to KNOW that I'm successful and I need to let the world know that I was put on the earth to do this and I will be the best I can be! Not only do I need to stay positive, I need to stay awake! With all of this excitement this should be easy, right?

Please keep the good vibes coming and I'll make sure to keep you posted!

An award, I'm honored!

2010-06-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

Thank you Laurie for appreciating my ramblings. Who knew it was award worthy?

So, the rules are (if I understand them correctly) that I am to list seven things you may not know about me. Hey, I may find something else about me in the process too.

Here we go . . .

I have a bachelor's degree in Psychology. So it's true, crazy people can get enjoyment out of learning about other crazy people. This should come in handy with my new career choice.
I get insomnia every Sunday night. I don't know why, it makes no sense, but it happens. This is all since WLS. I know that I'm not the only one who experiences this side effect, but I know that I don't like it. I need my sleep!
I have a fear of missing out. I get sad when people get together and have fun when I can't be around. I don't think I'm jealous, I just really like hanging out with people and wish I could do it more often.
I am a single women who hates to date. I wish the "right" guy - that's a ton of fun to be with - would just drop in my lap (so to speak) so I don't have to date. I hate the awkward meetings/conversations and I really don't like having to disappoint someone when I don't want to continue with the meeting.
I (we) haven't seen or heard from my son's father (aka - the biological) since before the little muffin turned one. Sometimes this makes me sad because he doesn't have a "Dad" like the other kids do, but I know it's the best thing for him, I just don't know how to explain it all to him so that he'll understand it. He's the light of my life and I can't imagine him thinking that he wasn't wanted. It just kills me. Someday it'll all make sense.
I cannot eat fruit (or much of it) since WLS. I didn't think it would bother me that much, but it kind of does. Sometimes I just want a nice ripe peach, or a few strawberries. Sure, I can do it, but it's not going to feel good for a while.
I LOVE that I don't drink or crave sodas anymore. I thought it would be difficult, but it's really not that bad. I don't even think twice about tasting them anymore. Now that's a good thing!

I thought this would be difficult, but surprisingly, this came quite easy today. I'm sure I could've listed more. That's not always the case.

So, on to the hard part. Now I get to "tag" 5 of my favorite bloggers to receive the award. Since Laurie listed a couple/few of my favs already, I get to list a couple of new ones - YIPEE!

And the award goes to . . .

Janine at Journey to a Mini Me

Jil at Shut Your Piehole

I said so at For Real, This Time

Kim at Faith, Grace & Giggles

Sheila at Stranger Than Fiction and More Fun too

Honestly, this part was more difficult than coming up with facts. I'm not sure who reads this blog. So, if you're out there and I don't know it, please drop a line and say "Hi". I'd love to hear from you!

I AM amazing!

2010-06-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

While it's true, I'm trying to remind myself that I'm great and have wonderful qualities, I am absolutely amazing at one thing - PROCRASTINATING! If they gave medals, I could quite possibly get the gold. It sad, but so true.

So, I have an interview today! Let's be honest, I have an interview in less than 3 hours. That's a good thing. What is not a good thing is that I have one hour to get a portfolio together, my (very cute) outfit ironed and smart looking, and my head together enough to convince this principal that I am the BEST person for this position. I'm not doubting that things will happen, I'm doubting the greatness that they could've been had I given myself more time. I guess I can't really think much about that, especially considering that I should be doing things and I'm blogging! What a piece of work am I?

Yes, you may think I'm crazy for blogging instead of doing the other things I have, but this is an attempt at me "getting my head together". I had to clear some thoughts and put some positive energy in the air and hopefully get some good thoughts going my way today. Thank you for being my sound board.

Let's talk about why this job should be given to me:

I have a true passion and a calling to redemptive service (teaching)
I feel that I have the skills and the motivation to create captivating and encouraging lessons for students
I teach in a way that inspires and provides the best styles for all students
I work really well in collaborative groups and I am always looking for encouragement and criticism
I have fun when I'm in the classroom
I have high expectations for students and that tends to create a greater drive for them to succeed
I will give it my all!

I am excited about this opportunity! I am excited to speak with this principal and even be considered. I hope that my excitement and confidence shows and the "desperation" stays home. I do believe that if this isn't where I'm supposed to be, I won't get the job. I just hope I get to have a peace about it today!

Wish me luck!

I hope you're all in for a very happy Monday! I'll check back and let you know how it goes!

So much to do . . .

2010-06-17T09:36:00.000-07:00

Where is the motivation? Yep. I have a slew of things I need to accomplish for today (I have a class tonight) and even more to do for my interview & exit interview next week. Yet, I'm lacking in the drive to get it all done. It's summer. I'm supposed to be out having fun, swimming in the pool, playing games. Those are all things I WANT to do. Writing papers, preparing a portfolio, being nervous for an interview, etc. are all things I don't want to do. I will say, it will be fabulous to have everything done, interviewed, employed, and all that jazz, but I'm hesitating.

So, here's where the questions come in. Am I hesitating because there's a part of me that is not ready for everything to be over? Do I hesitate because I'm scared to death to be responsible for the education of 35 little minds? Do I hesitate because I'm afraid I'm not good enough? Do I hesitate because I fear once the work is over, all I have is me? You betcha!!!

I am confident in my dream of being a teacher. I'm confident that I am creative, inspiring, and driven to educate young people. I am not confident in others seeing that in me. I am confident that I can complete my tasks/work & portfolio in time and sufficiently. I am not confident in it being the best that I can produce. I am confident that I will be an excellent fit at the school & with the staff where I'm interviewing on Monday. I am not confident that I can relay that in a one hour meeting. I am afraid of being rejected and having to wonder why.

So, I am writing this in an effort to eliminate the negative thoughts in this post and in my process. If I am honest about what scares me, I can concentrate on conquering the fear - right? I want to be confident. I want to be the best I can be. I want to succeed. I am capable. I just have to get that "doubting delinquent" out of my head! So, this is what I'm focusing on today! I know I can do this.

Today, I plan to make a list of all of the reasons I should be proud of who I am and the goals I have (and will accomplish). Every time I think of something positive that I have accomplished, I am going to write it down. I'm hoping to come up with a list of at least 10 (but trying for 20) things that prove to me that I am right where I should be. I may even have to post them to just prove I did it and am worthy of recognizing myself! It may be tough, but I think it's a good hurdle to knock out of my way.

Now off to make a list and have a fabulous Thursday!

Maybe I was wrong?

2010-06-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

Who knew that a 10' (diameter) pool CAN be a form of exercise. Of course, the seven year old that wouldn't let me sit down certainly helped. Together we made that pool an exercise pit! We were throwing balls, chasing each other around, running to make whirlpools, and doing what he calls "yoga poses" in the pool. We were out there for 2 and a half hours and I loved every minute of it! I think you're all right. I'm coming to terms with the fact that it's all about the attitude! And boy, is mine changing fast! Thank goodness!!!

I have to thank Kristin for the comment yesterday. Two years ago I wouldn't have gotten in the pool. In fact, I would sit out in the back yard (fully clothed) and watch the poor, little guy play in the water all by himself. What fun is that? I don't even think I owned a bathing suit then. This time, I was in it! I was playing! I was running! I was having a blast and he loved every minute of it too! I cannot even explain the feeling that came over me yesterday when I realized that. Thank you Kristin for bringing me back to reality, and "bringing the pretty back". My son is going to benefit, even more than I am, from my physical changes. How in the world can you be negative about that??

More good things happening . . . I received a call yesterday in reference to one of the many job applications that I have submitted and they want to interview me! The job is for one of the schools that I was placed for student teaching and I loved it! I was so excited on that I had received the call that I did a little excited gushing (hopefully it wasn't too much). Apparently, this principal has talked to a lot of people and heard nothing but good things about me. I can't tell you how good it felt to hear that. So, I'm doing lots of praying, finger crossing, and whatever things I can to send out good vibes. I am super excited about this opportunity. The interview is next week. Let's hope I can calm down a bit between now and then so I don't appear TOO eager (i.e. - desperate).

Now on to today. We have more fun to conquer, houses to clean, pools to swim in, things to do, and more adventures (without excuses) to embark upon. Who knew that my own son would be some of the best motivation ever? I sure love that little man!

Summer has started . . .

2010-06-14T12:14:00.000-07:00

It's official, the little muffin (my son) is off for summer! I'm actually excited about getting out and finding fun things to do. We were supposed to be in Southern California, but an unfortunate event with friends caused us to turn around to come back. It's probably better for all of us, so that my friends can rest and recuperate, but now we have an empty calendar that we can't wait to fill. Today, we will be hanging out in the little pool I purchased yesterday. We won't be getting much exercise (it's a small pool just big enough to cool off), but it should be fun.

I've got to admit, I've been in a much better mood lately. I think that the book (Women, Food & God) is really addressing some things that I've been dealing with. The author states that if we're not happy with who we are, we will never be happy once we lose the weight, get the tummy tuck, get the bat wings removed, etc. This is something that I was JUST talking about at the last support group meeting I went to. I keep thinking that things would be better if I wasn't so self conscious about my flabby belly, my no longer present chest, or my flabby arms that continue to wave long after the arm stopped. But lets be honest, if I get a tummy tuck then I'll focus on the imperfect arms, if I get those fixed, I'll focus on the flabby thighs, then the chest, and so on, and so on. It will NEVER end, unless I stop it now. No one is perfect. Not even the seemingly flawless super models and actresses. But some people are great when dealing with it. Others are confident, why do I struggle so much? Do we think it's really possible to let it all go? Can I (we) come to terms with the great things about us and let the other imperfections go? I want to, I really, really want to. I will continue with this book and see how much closer I can get.

That's the update for today. I know that some of you are in for an excellent day (Jil's hubby is coming home today - she HAS to be stoked) and I am just as excited to hear about them. Thank you all for stopping by and providing support. I really do think there's something positive in being involved with some community - even if it's in cyberspace. Thank you!

Now off to the pool! Yippee!

That chick is trying to kill me!

2010-06-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

So, I was off to such a great start yesterday. I was positive, motivated, and ready to rock. I had committed to exercise for at least 30 minutes and so I wanted to be creative about what I was going to do. I decided to scroll through the "On Demand" feature with our new cable company (thank you Comcast). There were some very interesting options. One claimed to be as good as a tummy tuck (may try that someday) another was called "Cardioke", sounds crazy but it was intriguing, but I decided to settle on Jillian Michaels "Quick trouble zones". Maybe it would be better called, "A quick way to kill me"? I can't imagine what this "shred" that people are talking about would do!

Ok, Ok, lets be honest, I did the work out and I felt good - once it was over. Sure, it HURT, and I had to stop a time or two because I couldn't go any further (surrender pose? Let's be real)! But it felt good and productive, until today. Can we say "OUCH"? Yep. In fact, I can't tell if my stomach hurts because I have a flu bug, or if it's just that my belly has been worked. Guess this means I need to do more of this, huh? Do we think this could've sparked the dreaded insomnia of last night??

Since I'm trying to stay upbeat and positive, I'll list some good things that happened. I'm on chapter 5 in my new book (Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth). She's saying some things that I know are true, I just haven't figured out how to fix them. This book is not geared toward the C & P types, but she is talking about all of (or a whole lot of) the things I deal with from a psychological perspective. I can't wait to get to the point where I'm introduced to ways to deal with this. I sure hope it comes. I'll keep you posted.

I did eat much, much healthier yesterday. I had yummy veggies, chicken, and salads all day. I also drank lots of water! It was great, and it felt good. And no kettle corn yesterday - that was a real feat! Woo Hoo!

All in all, things are well. I'm excited about it being Friday. I'll be much more excited if I get a nap in!

I hope all is well and I hope you're all experiencing the BEST Friday ever! Happy weekend!

I'll get by with a little help from my friends . . .

2010-06-10T09:04:00.001-07:00

Thank you Laurie & Jil for your encouragement! We CAN do this! It's really fun to know that I've got the support even if you are hundreds of miles away. Are there any teaching jobs in Texas?? ;-)

So, I must say that I felt successful yesterday. As soon as I posted, I knew I had to do what I could to make it! Let's be honest, the goals weren't difficult, just something that needed to be done. Had I not posted, I may have just let them slip by. I'm SO glad I didn't let that happen!

So, my accomplishments yesterday included:

2.5 mile walk, in the sun, beautiful day - if felt great
yummy salad for lunch, chicken breast for dinner (all low carbs)
positive attitude (the walk did help)
read 1/2 a chapter in the book - once the family was around it was hard to stay focused
Water, Water, Water!
Reporting my success (ok, that's happening today, but I was ready yesterday)

So, today, I'm focused and ready to keep this up. Here are the goals for today:

complete a 30 minute (at least) workout - no matter if it's a video, jog, bike ride, etc. Just 30 minutes of activity.
Finish the chapter in the book.
Stay positive and focused (Laurie's Thursday 13 started that off on the right note) :-)
Healthy eating and plenty of protein
WATER & MORE WATER

Sure, these are like mini-goals, but it's funny how important they can be. So, as I get these goals mastered, I'll start to focus on bigger and better things. For right now, it's about getting back to the basics.

There are so many other things that I feel like I would like to get off my chest, but I'm just not sure where or how to start. I figure if I can get myself back into the swing of things, I'll be able to sort out my feelings, questions, frustrations, etc., and get to the bottom of the craziness that I know and face.

Looking forward to reading many successes!

The truth will set you free!

2010-06-09T10:59:00.001-07:00

If it's true that the "truth" will set you free, I imagine I'm in the need of a few confessions! Sure, it's not fun to admit, but it's something I must come to terms with. We'll call it therapy! So, get ready, the unloading begins now!

My first confession . . . I'm not exercising. I would like to say that I'm not exercising like I should be, but that would imply that I'm doing some sort of exercising at all. Sure, I could count doing dishes or folding laundry, but lets be honest, is that really exercise? No. It's necessity. I don't even walk my son to school anymore. Yes, for many months I've been way too busy (in my head) to exercise and that was a great excuse for a while. Not anymore. I'm on summer vacation. There is NO excuse for me (even though I still tend to create them).

Let's be honest, I love exercise - when it's a regular part of my life. When I've allowed my laziness to set in and become sedentary, it's really difficult to get back into the swing of things. I KNOW I feel better when I exercise, I know that things are easier to manage (like eating and sleeping) when I'm in the habit, it's just getting back into the habit that's creating a challenge.

Confession #2 - I'm not eating as well as I should be. I've been home and I love to play in the kitchen. This makes for a little bit of a struggle because I will eat the things I create. Sure, I'm still controlled in my portions, but I haven't been controlling my intake. I need to focus my energy to getting back to the program! I eat crap and I feel like crap, but I do it anyway. I don't like that. I need to get back to the basics of my personal plan and get back to the feeling of greatness.

Confession # 3 - I've gained about 13 pounds in this last semester and this is NOT acceptable! My clothes are getting tight, my body is starting to protrude, my self esteem is starting to falter a bit. Sure, if I had kept to my end of the bargain and been exercising, eating better, and focusing on me, I wouldn't be in this predicament. But, in an effort to set myself free - I'm sharing.

Confession # 4 - Finally, a positive confession - I am taking my vitamins, getting my protein in, drinking my water, and keeping myself real. I have weaknesses and I'm trying to work on them, but recognizing that I'm still doing what I need to in order to be healthier than I was two years ago is a big plus in my book.

I am not confessing in an attempt to get attention or to get people to realize that I've screwed up or even to brutalize myself, but I'm stating these things as a point of accountability. I know that I'm not doing everything I should be and I need to get this out in the open so that I can make changes and get the results I want. I want the motivation! I want the success! I want to know that I've got it!!! So, this is my therapy! I figure, if I post it and think that people will ask me about my progress and encourage me to do the right thing, than I will be stupid if I don't hold up my end of the bargain. So, whether it gets read or not, I am holding myself accountable!

So, to start myself off into positive changes, I've made goals for myself! These goals are as follows:

Today I will . . .

Go for a walk. It may be warm outside, but it'll be great to get out!
Make healthier meal choices by cutting out carbs (chips & Kettle corn) and putting in great lean proteins and veggies
Stop snacking and start asking questions like, "Do I really need to eat or am I just bored?"
Be positive! Know that I am 100% better physically, emotionally and mentally than I was two years ago
Read at least one more chapter in the book recommended by the psychologist at my surgeons office. (The book is called "Women, Food, and God" - anyone read it?)
Get ready to report my successes tomorrow!

The honeymoon is officially over and the rest is up to me!!!

Life, as I know it, is officially coming to an end.

2010-06-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

No, No, No, I'm not on my death bed or anything of that nature, but I am moving forward and running (quickly and fiercely) away from the life of a student with no free time to speak of! YES! It's true! All of the tests have been taken (and passed), the unit has been completed, the graduation has happened, and I have been educated! I am one exit interview and an email away from being a California Credentialed Teacher. OH NO! If you have kids in California, watch out!!!!

I have been through a very exciting experience and I am looking forward to the great experiences my new found education will produce. And I can't wait to get my own classroom! Of course, that's the difficult part right now. This may not be the best time to get into education with all of the things going on. Fortunately, I am hopeful, optimistic, and excited about the adventure.

I am also excited about the free time I will have over the summer to jump into the lives and experiences of my bloggy friends. Oh, have I missed hearing things. I am so sad to have missed wedding celebrations, engagements, new babies, new pregnancies, new marathon trainers, and new pet additions. So CONGRATULATIONS to you ALL! I do feel so out of the loop. I know, I know, I said this in the last post too, but I wasn't quite finished at that point. Now, I'm ready! I'm ready to embrace the blog world and get the support and encouragement I desperately need from all of you. So, get ready, the comments will be flying! I hope you can keep up!! :-)

On another note, I have been so busy and overwhelmed with the completion of school and tests that I completely skipped over my 2 YEAR SURGIVERSARY! I never, ever, ever thought that I would skim over that day and not be able to reflect on all that WLS has given me, but in only two years - it happened. Fortunately, I get to reflect on the WLS results nearly every day and I will never forget what this has given to me.

So, now you're slightly updated. I will be creating another post soon to relay more of the happenings, but I just had to get back into the swing of things before I could overwhelm you (and myself) with the "good stuff".

So, happy Tuesday to you all! I'm wishing you a fantastic day!!

It can't be true . . .

2010-03-31T09:01:00.000-07:00

Has it really been 5 -6 months since I've written? Yep! It's the truth! So, let's get all caught up!

Thanks to spring break, I have a moment to catch you up. First of all, thank you so much for the messages/comments. I can't tell you how special I feel to know that there is someone (or someones) that are curious about me. I'm so curious about what's going on in your lives also. I miss my blogland community. I do. I didn't realize how much support I've gotten from all of you bloggers. It's truly an inspiration and I need it back!!!

My life has flipped upside down. Who knew that unemployment was so busy! But, it's been a good thing for me. I am almost finished with my teaching credential and now, I'm praying to have a job this fall. This is all great news, but it also means I'm incredibly busy! I leave the house at about 7am and don't return until about 8:30 or 9:00pm. It's madness, but it's fun too. Since I've been in the classroom, I know that's exactly where I should be. It's my "calling".

So, that's what's been taking up a good chunk of my life. That being said, I can tell you what has taken the back seat . . . my exercise and eating. Oh yeah! It's true. It scares me to death. I've gained about 10 pounds since the stress began and I need it to STOP! So, I've taken some action. I'm back on the protein and I'm trying to move! I'll have a lot more time when school is out. Finally! Or at least that's what I'm thinking.

So, that is me, for now. I'm planning to have more time to keep up a blog and keep myself accountable very, very soon.

Happy Wednesday!

Do things ever really work out as we plan them to?

2009-11-13T17:49:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to think that things work out how they work out regardless of our plan. This may not be a bad thing, but for the planners, it's not a good thing either.

We, my son and I, were supposed to go out of town for a fun weekend with friends from Southern California. I had made arrangements to stay, called all of the people I wanted to see, and started to pack my bags. I haven't seen these folks in a while. Then . . . it happened. The poor little one got sick and I had to scrap it all. I'm sure it's all for the best, but it's just a little disappointing. Now, what is supposed to happen to make it all worth it?

So, I did go to the support group I spoke of on Monday night. It was a good time of sharing and getting to know some new people. I will say, for the first time, I was dumbfounded when one of the other support group attendees asked me what it was like being "normal" or "normal sized". I thought, "what? Who are you talking to?" When I realized she thought *I* was the normal sized person, I almost laughed. I still don't see it. Strange, isn't it? I still think they are just making 12's and 10's bigger these days. Why can't I see it? Why can't I feel it? Will I ever?

So, I've made a new goal for myself. I purchased the book, "Joining the Thin Club" months ago. I think it's time that I whip that "bad boy" out and get to reading. I could use some eye opening right about now. So, I NOW plan to tackle the book this weekend and see what kinds of improvements are going to hit me upside the head.

Has anyone out there read the book? Is it helpful? Wonderful? Worth the read? Do you have any other suggestions for helping with the mental case of weight loss and the after effects of it?

As far as the rest of life, things are still seeming to do well. I am looking forward to a good weekend full of healing (on the part of the child) and relaxing (this one is for me). I hope the weekend proves to be wonderful for all!

Happy Friday!!

Well goodness!

2009-11-09T09:51:00.001-08:00

Well hello there cyber world! It's been a long time! Trust me, the delay has never been my intention. It's strange how I seem to be busier in unemployment than I was when working full time! Who knew?

The good news is . . . things are going well! I must admit, I realize that I need the "cyber"community and my blog friends. I find that I get out of touch with reality and what I need to focus on when I'm not keeping up. Soooo . . . I am going to make a date (since real dating doesn't seem to be my friend) with myself at least twice a week to blog and catch up on your ever interesting lives! I haven't picked the days as of yet, but I will do that soon! And I need to keep it up.

I will be attending a WLS Support group through my surgeons office tonight. I'm really excited to be going, but very sad that they aren't offered more regularly. They haven't had a meeting since August. Not much support, huh? Let's hope it is fabulous and I have tons of great things to go by and even share.

I am LOVING my classes, my student teaching and the direction my life is going in right now. Though I had to live through some tough times and a LOT of stress, I feel like I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Let's just pray that the jobs are lining up for me next year! I cannot wait to start!

My weight is still a bit of a battle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining one iota! But, I'd still be interested in getting to that "goal" I had originally set of 160 lbs. It may not be in the cards for me, but it's certainly a challenge that I look forward to achieving, one day!

I still feel healthier than ever - and that's a wonderful thing! I still think I have a jaded sense of who I am and what I look like. I may need to seek some counseling to get that set straight, but I'm certainly making it a mission to get it all figured out.

I have gotten some great emails and comments that let me know you're still looking in on me. Thank you so much! I must say, it means a lot to me. Now, it's my turn to do the same! Don't be surprised if you start hearing from me!

Happy Monday to you all!!!!

And I thought not blogging for a week was a big deal?

2009-09-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

HELLO!!! It's me! I love that the last item I posted was commenting on the fact that I haven't blogged in over a week. I guess I was trying to shoot for a month this time? Well . . . I didn't make it!!! Whew!!!!

Boy! Has life given me a run for my money or what? Shall I catch you up? Let's do bullets . . .

Things at work didn't get better. I had let my boss know that if things didn't change or even appear to change that I would no longer be able to work in those conditions.
I have been unemployed as of Friday, August 24, 2009. I've never been unemployed in my entire adult life and it's scary as all get out. I can say that it was self-induced, but that doesn't mean it's easy.
I have officially gone back to school to finish what I started so long ago. I will be a California Credentialed Teacher by May 2010! And hopefully have a job/contract by next Fall! I feel good about it.
My son started 1st grade and he's so advanced that he's bored. We're working on that and I've told his teacher that she has my full support - especially since I will be needing the experience.
My weight is still about the same. I go from 168 - 171 on a fairly regular basis. I want to kick something into gear because I want to see and feel 160 - maybe even 150's? If it doesn't happen, I'm ok with that. But I want to at least try.
I've made it my goal to find a gym to join here in Fresno (hopefully this weekend). I haven't been to a gym since I have moved (June, 2009) and I think it's really taking it's toll on me, not only physically but emotionally as well. Who knew that so much stress would be associated with resigning your job?

So, in a nutshell, I've had some serious changes take place over the last few weeks. I was overwhelmed, then got a bit depressed, but now, I see the good that will be coming of it all. I guess you never know what life has in store for you until you take the necessary leaps and jump out of the window!

I will say that I'm excited about having time to find out about myself and about what I want. I am determined to take care of myself. I will be better able to focus on myself and really focus on what I want out of life and step away from the things that I don't want.

I have missed the blogland community and now I don't have to worry about being blocked from work!!! So, watch out friends . . . the comments will be pouring in! I'm so excited to get back into what exciting things are happening in your lives!

It's been a whole week!

2009-08-11T11:16:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe that I haven't updated this for a week. Not to mention that I haven't read any blogs either! This has got to change!!!

The good news . . . it looks like the scale is starting to come back down! YIPEE!! 169.5 today. I'll take it! Of course, I went camping this past weekend and worked my butt off! It was tough, but it was fun.

This past weekend was actually the wedding of a very close, dear, friend (and former roommate) of mine. It was a location wedding so there were several people there for the entire weekend. Some stayed in hotels, some in cabins, but Jacob and I stayed in a tent. Fun stuff - tons of work! I'd do it again in a heart beat. Yes, I would make some changes, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

The things I would've done differently bring me to the next order of business/concern. I have been experiencing something post WLS that concerns me. I used to be able to drink socially and not be too much trouble. Sure, I would be loud, giggly, and having a blast, but it never appeared to be a problem. Now, since WLS, I have noticed (on two separate occasions) that I will actually "Black-out" from alcohol consumption. I haven't figured out if it's what is being consumed, if it's an excessive amount, or if it just happens to be a few things. I have never, in my life (prior to WLS) drank so much that I would "black out". It is not a good or fun feeling. I never have believed in a true "black out" period, but now, I can't NOT believe in it. I seriously have NO recollection of what happened for a good chunk of time that night.

I feel like I jeopardized something. I'm not sure exactly what, but it's causing me grief. I feel that it's possible there are people who are disappointed in me. Most of all, I'm disappointed in myself. I know better. I was told that alcohol isn't the same for us WLSers anymore. I do drink the occasional beer here and there, but those occasions don't seem to affect me. It's the mixing that sends me over the edge and now I don't know what to do with it. Am I the only WLSer that has experienced this?

I hate that I have to be so real, and that this reality is negative right now. I have so many things happening in my life that I don't need to add this stress. But I did. And now I have to figure out if I need to fix it, should try to fix it, or just chalk it up to experience and move on? I feel haunted by this bad behavior and I am struggling now with how make it right or if it's even possible.

So, there's been some good news, and some bad news happening in my world. And there's oh so much more to share. I'll be back with a better update. I promise.

I hope all is well in blogland. I'll catch up with you all soon!

Time keeps on slipping . . .

2009-08-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

Oh yes! It has happened again. The time has flown by and I haven't even watched it go by! I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

Today is a check in/weigh in day. I JUST realized that I didn't even post anything last week. I'm sure it has something to do with the fact that I was up another 2 lbs last week. Yep, 173. But I am happy to report, that it's back down. Not as much as I'd like, but we're moving in the right direction. I was happy to see the 171 again. Now, on to the 165!!!!

So, next update . . . things at work have been really stressful. I don't even know how to talk about it. Most of the stress and frustration stems from one person. I have talked to my supervisor (the President of the company) several times. We've had meetings about the situation. Yet, still no fix. I don't know how to solve the problem without my leaving.

I must say, I have looked back into finishing the teacher credential program. I only have one year left. The only problem is that this would create a bit of financial hardship for a little while. Right now, I'm just needing to get some direction. I need to know what the best plan for me is. The only problem is that I'm the only one that can make that decision. Do you know how much easier life would be if people just made these decisions for us?

I will say, teaching is something I feel passionate about. I've always wanted to teach, I just keep letting things get in the way of this goal/dream. Am I going to let it happen again? Or am I going to push through and pursue the dream? I'll keep you posted!

Any teachers out there feel like "weighing in" on their thoughts?

I must admit, I feel like the stress at work is hindering my success in other areas of my life. So, if I move on, will I be better focused to take care of myself, my body, and my mind? It's definitely something I'd be interested in finding out.

I haven't kept up at all with blogs and I miss them so. I can't wait to take out some time for me and do my catching up. I hope all is well and I look forward to reading more about all my friends!

Happy Tuesday!!!!

Where do I go to get motivation?

2009-07-23T15:31:00.000-07:00

Everyday I attempt to start the day out fresh and new with energy and motivation. Sadly, somewhere between 9am and 12:00pm that energy and motivation are gone! Now, where in the world am I supposed to go to get that back?

It's no surprise (to the people around me) that my place of work has taken a turn from what it has been. That turn has not been on a positive note. We, fortunately, aren't being hit with the threat of laying people off (just yet), but the attitudes and the people are just getting to be unbearable. What in the world do you do when you have a stable job, but you just can't stand to be there? This is what I'm dealing with right now. It's tough.

The problem with these issues is that it's making the rest of my world crumble. I'm stressed out, unhappy, and struggling to be here every day. These feelings/emotions are taking a toll on me physically, mentally and nutritionally. I'm going back to old habits because that's what I know (or think I know) will ease the pain. Not only does it NOT ease the stress/pain/etc., it's making things worse because now I feel like another part of my life is out of control.

I need to gain control. I need to situate things in my world. I need to get back to a state of happiness. I've always said (in my career) that when it's not fun anymore, it's time to look for something else. I think it's time to look for something else.

I have put in an application at a local children's hospital, but I don't really have medical experience. I do know someone that is close to the position and that may help, but you just never know.

I've actually been, seriously, considering biting the bullet and going back to school. I am one year away from a teaching credential and teaching is something that I feel I have a great passion for and I, personally, think I'd be pretty good at it. I've already completed one semester of part time student teaching and it was a great experience. The problem with that option is that it will be very tough to make it financially with school, not having a stable income, and supporting my family. But, I can't stop thinking about that being the best option.

No matter what goes on, I need to regain control. I need to know that I can make it through this. I need to feel like I will succeed and I will not let the stress and emotions get the best of me. I need focus!

I will say, the early morning walks with my sister are a great help. It gets me moving early in the morning and actually gets me better equipped for the day. I need to kick it up a bit, but I have do admit, it's a great place to start!

Aren't you glad it's pre-Friday???

Why Tuesday?

2009-07-21T11:59:00.000-07:00

That's a good question. Why is it that I chose Tuesday to do weekly weigh ins? At first, I thought Tuesday would be a great day because it's in the middle(ish) of the week, and it's not Monday. But now, I'm questioning that decision. I guess it doesn't really matter what day you actually weigh in, but it's a matter of accountability. So, I'm forcing myself to be accountable once again, even though I really don't want to today.

I was back up to that ugly 171 this morning. Sure, I know that I didn't drink much water this weekend and I did eat more than I should've, but that doesn't make it easier to see the number. I knew it was going to be up. I knew where I went wrong. But it still isn't easy to see it. So, the "honeymoon" phase is over for me. I think that's official. Now, it's dedication and effort. That's all that will get me where I want to be and keep me there!

So the adventure continues . . .

How is it that Mondays get here so quickly?

2009-07-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

Another dreaded Monday to go down in my history book! This one is a tough one! I'm tired. I don't want to be working today. And I'm certainly not excited about having another 4 days ahead of me! But, I am grateful to have a job and a paycheck - for now.

I've been excruciatingly busy lately and that makes me sad. I don't get to write/blog as much as I'd like to. I don't get to catch up on my friend's blogs, like I'd like to. And I'm starting to feel a bit of a disconnect between what I need to keep me happy, healthy, and sane. The problem is that there seems to be so much I need to vent/talk about that it's a little bit overwhelming. I keep thinking I need to jot things down, but if it's going to be a three page story/entry, I just give up on it. So, I will do a little of the filling in now and maybe allow myself 20 minutes a day to write a little bit so I at least have a reference. I've got a lot to catch you up on, if you're interested. The good thing is, when it's all better, I'll be able to look back and say, "See, it does all work out for a reason"! :-) I can't wait to be able to do that!

So, I will first talk about my exercise. I keep complaining that I'm not doing enough. I do this to my family as well as to/at the blog. So, my sister suggested that she will get up with me every morning at 4:45am (when she doesn't work until 10am) so that we can go for an early morning walk every day. She is fabulous! And, we did it EVERY day last week and this morning too. I still don't think it's all I need (in terms of exercise) but it's certainly a starting point and I don't have to feel completely sedentary. So, yeah! We're making progress!!!

Since I've successfully completed one week of early morning walking, I think this week I'm going to add an evening walk/workout with the Wii session so that I will feel like I'm progressing. That's got do do something positive for me! Think I can do it? OF COURSE I CAN!!!

I will say, as I'm sure you all know, encouragement and support make all of the difference! Thanks Michele! What's the next challenge??? :-)

Scale reports and bald spots

2009-07-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

Fortunately, I have some good news to report on the weigh in front. I was FINALLY back down to 169 this morning! YIPEE!!!! It feels like I saw the 160's for a moment and then my body just didn't want me to have the. I still have goals, I still want to see what it's like to be 165 and maybe even 155. But the way that my body has shut down on the weight loss front, I may just have to be satisfied with what I've got. And honestly, where I am is great! It's so much better than where I was a year ago - and a WHOLE lot better than I was two years ago.

Now, on to the bad news . . . I have a bald spot. OH YES, I do. On my head. I don't really know what to do about it. I try to cover it up with the way I style my hair, but sometimes, I feel self-conscious about it. I can't figure out if this is something that just recently happened or if I just didn't notice it until I got this shorter hair cut. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I thought everything was supposed to go back to normal after 9 - 12 months. But, I guess notsomuch.

I guess it goes back to having to take some bad with the good. Even with the bald spots, the loose skin, and the flabby arms/legs, I'm still grateful for what WLS has given me.

Now, if I could just get back to exercising! I miss it dearly! I need a plan!!!! I need to figure out how to put a couple of extra hours into my day. Suggestions?

Where have I been?

2009-07-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, do I wish I had an answer for that question! I knew it had been a while since I had posted an update/blog, but had it really been THAT long? Yes siree! It has been a LONG time!

So, a lot has been happening in my world. Things at work have been incredibly stressful. I believe we may be on the mend, but I have been searching for employment. I don't know where that will lead, but I'm keeping my options open.

The commute is nearly killing me. It's definitely killing my exercise routine! I have not actually completed a full work out since I've moved to Fresno. If it's not killing my mood (which it is), it's definitely killing my health and new healthy goals. This is not acceptable. I need to find a balance. I'm actually considering changing my work hours to allow me to get in a good work out before I get in the car for my morning commute. I could still get to work at a decent time, but I wouldn't have to wake up at 4 to get it in. Fortunately, I work where the schedules can be flexible from time to time. Unfortunately, I won't get home until later. But, with the extra exercise and that breeding extra energy, it may just work out for the best. We'll have to see. I've got to start it first!!! :-)

The scale. Oh yes, the lovely scale. The last report I posted had taken me up quite a bit. Fortunately, the scale has come down a bit and I expect it to be back to normal and UNDER 170 by next Tuesday. I think it's a good thing to have a weigh in day and to know that it's what I'm accountable to. It's not good to not post about it, but at least I know that I'll have to spill it eventually and that makes me take extra measures to bring it all back down.

I feel like I'm rambling a bit, but I needed to get this out. Thanks for keeping me accountable!

Who invented stress anyway?

2009-06-25T09:44:00.000-07:00

Why is it that stress and eating go so well together? I'm finding that I'm under a great deal of stress right now and all I want to do is eat. It's not a hunger issue. It's not a fixation issue. I feel the need to consume things because I think it's going to take the stress away or make it better. Most of the things I want are crunchy! I guess because it makes me feel like I'm doing something like gnashing it away. But, as we all know, it doesn't. Then it just leaves us feeling like we've let ourselves down because most of the crunchy things I lean toward, aren't good for me.

So, how do we overcome this desire? Need? Is there a remedy?

How do we get away from the "drama" of life and let the stress just pass us by? Are there people that aren't affected by stress? If so, what's the key? I want it all to go away. It's so frustrating!

Any magicians out there? Swing your wand this way, please!

Sorry for the venting. I just needed some kind of a distraction - other than cheez-its and doritos!!!

It's all about accountability, right?

2009-06-23T10:51:00.000-07:00

In an effort to be honest to myself, about myself, and for myself, I am posting today - even though I really don't want to.

My last post (last week) was positive! I was certain that I was heading in the right direction. I was pretty confident that I had things figured out. But, this week, I got on the scale and was nearly slapped in the face! WHOA! Yep. My scale was up 4 lbs from last week. REALLY? Who gains 4 lbs in a week? Apparently, I do.

I really didn't want to share. I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted it to go away. But, let's be honest, I started this blog for accountability. I want to record the Highs & Lows. It's about recording the success and the set-backs that make this journey a TRUE journey. It's not easy people! Most of us know this. But instead of hiding and running away from the reality, I have to figure out what has gotten me here! So, this is what I intend to do!

I definitely think that the lack of the gym membership and the constant, intentional exercise has played a big part in this. So, back to moving! Intentional moving! Building up the metabolism. I have the new Wii Active game/program and I really want to make that work for me. So, I plan to start the 30 day challenge on July 1! Should be an adventure, right?

I also know that I need to watch what I've been eating. The snacks are slowly, but surely creeping in. I've heard it, from so many others, that the snacks just creep back into our lives before we know it. It certainly has found me. So, I will be conscious of what's going on around me and weed out the unhealthy snacks/choices. Who needs them anyway?

I know, I know, it's only a week. But if I don't take action now and realize what I'm doing, It's possible that it will get the best of me! And I'm SO not ready to let that happen! I've been in a "funk" and I can't let that "funk" drive me to do things that I know aren't good for me. But I know better.

So . . . this roller coaster journey continues!

Shake, Shake, Shake!

2009-06-19T09:40:00.000-07:00

Oh yes! I can happily admit that I have become a shaker! Since my 1-year appointment with my surgeon, I've been trying to figure out how to get more protein in my life. All of my labs were good, except for my protein. That meant that I either wasn't absorbing enough, or just not getting enough. So, about two weeks ago, I decided to push myself to actually drink a yummy protein shake every day. With my protein power and a cup of soy milk, I can have a daily shake for a good 30 - 45 grams of protein. In addition to my consumption, that's a pretty good number. I'm probably, now, taking in about 70 - 80 grams a day. This is a good thing.

So, as I was shaking away, I realized that I've been successful! I didn't even realize how successful (at getting more protein) I was until today. That's when I realized I've used a WHOLE gallon of soy milk at work! That means, I've stuck to this! Time to pat myself on the back! Finally! I'm doing something right! Maybe that is what's helping the scale along? Who knows?

I've got to be honest. I wouldn't be so successful if I didn't enjoy these shakes. This is TRULY the best protein powder I've ever had. I'm trying the strawberry for the very first time today. It's quite tasty!!! SEI Pharmaceuticals ROCKS!!!! Thanks EGGFACE for the tip!!!

Happy Friday!!!

Imagine that . . . it stayed put!

2009-06-16T20:00:00.001-07:00

On weigh in day, the scale was still down! Yes, it's a reality and it's official! I've lost 100lbs. Boy, has it been work!!!! But, I get to claim it! Whether I feel it or not. Whether I look it or not. Whether I think I deserve it or not. I'm there! I have lost the weight and I get to claim it!!!! Woo hoo!

I actually was stopped today at my son's Day camp program. A mother from last year recognized Jacob and stopped me. She said, "OH MY! You're kidding. You are Jacob's Mom, right? I didn't even recognize you. I recognized Jacob, but I wouldn't have guessed it was you. How much weight have you lost?" I was a little bit floored. I had no idea why she stopped me. Then, when she was looking shocked, I thought she was going to tell me something bad about my son. But no, she knew that something was different. She was the first person I had to reply with, "I've lost 100 lbs"! Then, it was really real. I had to admit it. I will say, it made me feel good and made me realize that whether I see it or not, there's been a BIG change. She was so proud of me. She told me what a great job and a great thing I had done. Amazed at what had just happened, I walked away with quite a smile!

I went to meet with my surgeon yesterday. He gave me a clean bill of health. All is well and he thinks I'm doing fabulously! He said I look great. In nearly the same breath he said, "have you ever thought about abdominoplasty? I can help you to get a nice, flat, taut, tummy. You could be wearing a bikini." Of course, I told him that there was NOTHING he could do to get me in a bikini - he said, "Oh, I bet I could get you wanting to". Of course, I'm such a modest person that bikini is not in my vocabulary. We'll have to see about that. But, I must admit, he's got me thinking.

Even though I've had some good things happen, It's been a tough day. It's only 8:00pm and I'm ready to go to bed. Let's hope tomorrow is a better day! Will there be a week when every day is a "good" day? I'm waiting - impatiently - for that to happen!

Friday! It's a good thing!

2009-06-12T13:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've been waiting for this day to come all week long! On Monday, I was wishing it was Friday already. And now . . . it's here. Whatever will I do with it?

I will take this day while "jumping for joy" that I don't have to be back at work tomorrow!!!! Yeehaw! Not to mention I have an appointment to get my hair cut and colored tonight. I'm super excited about it. My hair will be cute again!

So, I have a little story. I'm gonna ramble and it may get ugly, but I'm going to let it out anyway. I'm a little torn and don't really know why. If you read the blog, you know that I've been struggling to get to where I can say, "I've lost 100 lbs". Honestly, I thought I had given up. There's seriously a part of me that has been sitting back saying, "It's not going to happen, you're just supposed to be bigger." And, I've believed it. So, I kind of resolved (with myself) that my goal should be 170. But there's a part of me that wasn't completely ready to give that up either.

I typically weigh myself on Tuesdays. I'm not normally tempted to weigh any other day. But for some reason, I was yesterday. So, I got on the scale and I saw it. Yes sir, the scale said, "169". Not even a smidge extra (no - .2 or .5 or .75), it was right on (almost a little lower). I stood there in shock. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know if I should be excited or share or anything. So, what did I do? I went on with my day and acted like it didn't happen. Why would I rob myself of a celebration when that's what I have been working so hard to get to? I kept telling myself that I shouldn't have weighed. It was Thursday and I can't really count it until Tuesday. But there's a part of me that afraid that the number will change and I won't be able to claim it on Tuesday. That's why I couldn't count it or be excited about it or even be thrilled that it was below 170 - even once!

Finally, when my family and I sat down for dinner, I asked the question, "Did anyone weigh today?" I live in a house where we all struggle with weight and we're all working toward a goal of getting healthier, so I knew someone would've weighed. I wanted to find out if anyone else had success because I wanted to celebrate something, but for some reason didn't feel like my celebration was worthy. Sure enough, my sister had weighed (and was down a total of 11.5 lbs -YAHOO) and she even noticed that I had reached that "goal" that I had been pushing for. I didn't know what to say. I knew I wanted to be able to appreciate that number I saw. But I still didn't. It was strange.

My mother asked me, "so how does it feel to have lost 100lbs?" I responded with, "The same as it did at 99lbs."

I don't completely know what's going on in my head. I don't even know what to do about it. But I wanted to get it off my chest. I should probably make an appointment with the therapist! I want to feel good about the progress. I want to feel successful. But for some reason - even though I see it - I don't believe it. I guess I never really thought that I would succeed - even though I've sworn to everyone that I could and that I will. I still don't believe it. I think that there's a part of me that is afraid that once I get to "goal" I will not have anything to work so hard for. Even though I know that maintenance will be even HARDER than this past transition.

So, right now, I'm claiming it! I have OFFICIALLY lost 100 lbs!!!!! I am OFFICIALLY 9 lbs away from the original goal set for me at the time of my surgery. I cannot believe it. I don't even know what to do with it, but I am going to accept it! Once I get to the next goal, I get to re-evaluate and decide what the other goals should be. I just need to be able to accept them when I get there.

So, this weekend, I think my cute little haircut and I are going to go shopping. I HATE shopping, I do, I do, but I do need some things and I think I'm going to try to enjoy the experience and the idea of a reward. Besides, I haven't taken pictures in forever, so it's about time I get some updates going. Anyone want to join me? Let's celebrate!

Happy Friday!!!

The ABC's of Heather . . .

2009-06-10T12:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I read a blog post on Thoughts by Kim and loved it! I wanted to see if I could successfully fill an alphabet with the ABC’s of me. So, here’s my attempt:

A – Adventure. I’m all about adventure. I love to create adventure just for adventure’s sake. I want to explore things and visit places just to be adventurous. Oh yes, I even like to try new “hole in the wall” coffee shops or restaurants just to see if there’s something fun in them. I’m an adventurer. Maybe I’m not a “Survivor” adventurer, but an adventurer in my own mind.

B – Bugs. I don’t like bugs. Now, it’s summer time and bugs seem to be all over the place. I don’t like them. I’m not killing them, but I don’t like them either.

C – Commuting. I’ve recently increased my commute time by 20 minutes each way. It now takes me an hour to get to work and an hour to get home. I don’t know that I’m cut out for this. And I wonder why I’m exhausted when I get home?

D – Dread. I’m beginning to dread coming to work. Not because I don’t like the drive or the work, but I’m really getting frustrated with the people. I don’t know why others can be so insistent on making their surroundings uncomfortable. I need a vacation. Oh wait – that should be on V!

E – Exercise. I’m not doing enough. I need to get my self in gear and get back on track. I’ve got plenty of flab to turn into muscle. Of course, I have to wait for clearance from the surgeon, but I should get that on Monday. And I’m already cleared to walk – why am I not doing this??

F – Florida. Yep. The state. I have a friend that lives there. I really want to visit. I’ve never been to Florida. But, he’ll have to invite me because I’m too proud to invite myself.

G – Grateful. I am grateful for so many things such as my son, my family, my friends, and the new journey that I’m venturing through. I want to get as much out of it all as I possibly can.

H – Health. I feel like I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. Sure, I’ve lost some muscle mass and some strength, but I can get that back. I can move, I can breathe, and I can TIE MY SHOES!!! This is a big deal and I am grateful for a healthier me!!!

I – Inspired. Over the past year I’ve been so inspired by so many of the blogs that I read and by “getting to know” people in the WLS community. We’re all on a similar path yet I find that I gain so much from the experience of others. Thanks to all of my cyber friends that are willing to be open, honest, true and willing to share. Whether you know it or not, someone is gaining a lot from what you share!

J – Jogging. That’s a new word in my vocabulary. I haven’t actually done it yet, but I’m very tempted to start. I want to have the energy to jog. I want to be able to enjoy jogging. I’m not there yet, but I do want to be.

K – Knight in Shining Armor. Where in the world is this guy???? I’ve been waiting and waiting and I think he may be lost! I don’t really need to be rescued, but I wouldn’t mind riding off into the sunset!

L – Laughter. I love to laugh. I laugh a lot. I wish I laughed more. I wish everyone laughed more. I love having something that cracks me up so much that every time I think about it, I break out in laughter. Sometimes I laugh at things that don’t actually happen. But I play out how it “could” happen (in my head) and I can’t help but laugh! I’m a mess!

M – Muffin. That’s the nickname that we gave my little one before he was even born. He doesn’t really like it, but I just can’t stray away. Anytime I hear that word, I beam! He’s my little muffin and I’d be LOST without him!

N – Naked. I’m still not comfortable with myself naked. I’m not positive that I ever will be. But I’d like to be content with it. Someday, maybe?

O – Online dating. I don’t know why I’m still doing this. I hate dating. Online dating is even worse. I guess I still have a feeling that maybe there is someone out there. Sadly, I don’t think I’ll keep doing this much longer. Where are the normal folk?

P – Pilot. As in Honda Pilot. It’s what I drive. I love my car/suv. I really do. It’s funny that this morning I realized why I’ve always been drawn to the SUV type of cars. It’s because I’ve always been big. I never wanted to be the “big” girl getting out of a tiny car. Plus, SUVs are much easier to get in/out of – you don’t have to roll out (like you do with a small car). Now, I wonder if I’d like a smaller car. Honestly, I think I would. It would certainly save on fuel! Convertible, here I come! J

Q – Question. I love questions. I love asking them. I love being asked. I’m not afraid of questions. Sometimes, you should be afraid of the answers, but I welcome questions. It’s a form of getting to know people. For the most part, I like getting to know people!

R – Ramble. I tend to be a rambler, especially when I’m journaling or writing. I tend to go on and on, sometimes about nothing. Can you tell?

S – Sunshine. I am a HUGE fan of the sunshine. Not so much the heat, but I love to be out in the sunshine when I get a chance.

T – Travel. I have a huge desire to travel. I don’t always have the money or the time, but if I did, I’d be all over the place!

U – Uber. This is probably my new favorite word. I am “uber” excited when I get to use this word. I’m a sucker for new, unique words. Sometimes when I can’t find any, I’ll just make them up!

V – Vacation. I warned you at “D”! I need a vacation. A fun, exciting, get away and a “forget about everything” vacation. Where would I go?

W – Weight. It’s something that means a lot to me. I will face the idea and the struggles of weight for my entire life. I welcome the challenge.

X – Xylophone. I’ve never owned a Xylophone. I don’t think I ever want to. (Yeah, yeah, call me a cheater. But it’s true!) J

Y – Yoga. This is something I would LOVE to start. Have you seen the bodies of people that do yoga? Knock-outs! I’m a little bit nervous about it because I fear that I’m not flexible and I wouldn’t be able to do half of the poses. But, as they say, practice makes perfect.

Z – Zingers. Those little devilish snack cakes! For some reason, I love those little suckers. I don’t eat them anymore, but I still like them and think I can from time to time. It’s sad that this is what comes to mind when I think of the letter Z.

What a fun exercise this has been. It may take a little time to put together, but you should give it a try!

A Tuesday Weigh-in Report!

2009-06-09T15:18:00.000-07:00

Imagine that!!! It came back down. Sure, I'm still up .5 lbs from last week, but I can hang with that. We'll just call that weight a surgical side effect.

Yep! I weighed in today and I was at 170.5. I think this is good and bad. There's a huge part of me that thinks feels like this is it. I won't get much lower than this. Can I complain, really? I have NEVER in my adult life been at this weight. I still don't feel like I weigh 170. I don't feel like I look it either. But the lovely, little scale is telling me so. What is 170 supposed to look like? What's it supposed to feel like? Is it all subjective? Does it really matter? How much different will 160 feel from 170? If it feels better (health-wise, energy-wise, image-wise) then I want to be there. So, until I really know what it's like, I guess I'm still trudging on! My first goal is to get that 1.5 lbs off so I can "officially" say I'm 100 lbs lighter!!!

Many thanks . . .

2009-06-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

I must start out by saying "Thank you SO much" for the prayers and the well wishes! The surgery was a success. Of course, it was a bit of torture yesterday and re-cooperating today, but all in all, a success!

So, I have learned that I CAN go an entire day without eating or drinking ANYTHING! I'm not going to say I liked it, but it can be done! Yesterday the surgery schedule changed about 4 times. Where I was supposed to go in at 9:30am, they ended up taking me in at 3:30 pm. Quite different than what I had expected. But, it was something we had to do. My sister gave me a hard time about the fact that I was joking with my surgeon about how long it was taking. She definitely thought I should've done that AFTER he cut me open! Next time, I guess. I just feel fortunate that I have a great surgeon that I feel comfortable joking with and I know that I'm in good hands!

Anyway, the good news to report . . . NO hernias! No strangulation or kinks either. He did move some things around in there and said that it may take care of the problem. So, now we just wait and see. When the surgeon came out and talked to my family, they said that I was doing beautifully, healing beautifully, and my hard work and dedication was evident. Now, if that doesn't make your day, I don't know what will. Even though he didn't say those things to me, it made me feel very good about this whole process. I AM a success!!!

The bad news . . . I decided to weigh myself yesterday when I got home. I knew it was going to be disappointing and so I really am not taking it into consideration, but I gained 6 pounds from 8am to 8pm and I didn't even get to eat anything ALL DAY!!! Sort of funny. I'll be back to normal before you know it! Hopefully, even lower by Tuesday?? :-)

So now, I get to rest and re cooperate from the surgery. I must say, this was a BREEZE compared to the bypass! I don't get to shower until tonight and I'm restricted from driving a car or making any important decisions for 24 hours. Bummer! I guess someone else gets to decide what we eat for dinner (giggle, giggle).

I just wanted to make sure that I sent an update in case you were curious. All is well and getting better by the moment. I will say, the super-yum-delicious chocolate-peanut butter-banana protein shake is making a world of difference! And I'm not even being sarcastic! This stuff is GREAT!

Happy FRIDAY!!!!

Where has the time gone . . . .

2009-06-02T12:49:00.000-07:00

Oh, I wish I could answer that question!!!

It has been so long since I've been able to even get online, let alone try to provide an update. So, here is my first attempt! It may be sketchy, but I'll get back, I promise!

A LOT has happened since my last entry in "blogland". So, let's catch you up!

1) I have officially moved!! Yes, it's true! It's taken nearly a MONTH to get everything done. I can happily say that I turned in the keys to my former residence on Saturday and felt the weight lifted as I drove away. I'm still having to drive to Visalia for my son's school, but tomorrow is my last day of that! YIPEE!!!

2) I skipped over my "surgiversary"! Again, it's true!!! My 1 year anniversary of my surgery was May 22, 2009! The sad thing is, I've been so busy, I didn't even get to celebrate. Not that I had any money to do anything, but I'm sure I'll make up for the celebration soon! I'm always up for suggestions!

So, naturally, with an anniversary, comes an appointment with the surgeon! And, I'm happy to say that it went well. I SO wanted to have lost 100 lbs by the time I saw him. Unfortunately, the day I saw him, I was 3 lbs shy of that goal. He was still excited for me. He told me that if I didn't lose another pound he was considering me a big success. That - of course - made me feel good. Though he did say, "I want you to try to go another 10 - 15 lbs just because I think you'll love it". He's funny. But, I agreed with him. I still have a good 10 - 15 to lose, just to see what It feels like!

The other good news is that all of my blood work came back great. All of the levels were good. Except for the protein. He told me that I need to get more protein because either I'm not getting enough or I'm not absorbing as much as I should be. So, protein supplements are back in my world! Let's see how that pans out.

There was one bad/ify report. I had explained some of the discomfort I've been having in the past month. I explained it as a feeling of "gall bladder" pain, but I had that removed almost 20 years ago (yes, I was young). And I've also been feeling like there's a ball rolling around in my abdomen/stomach. Unfortunately, Dr. Swartz thinks that there's a possibility that I have an intestinal hernia. The only way to diagnose and solve the problem is through a laproscopic/exploratory surgery. He asked if I wanted to go through with it and I said, "What would you do in my case?" He, of course, said, "If I were you, I'd have it done. It's better to be safe and fix it early than to let it go on and create damage." So, I am scheduled for surgery on Thursday.

3) Work has been absolutely horrendous! In fact, I've threatened to walk out (to myself, of course) more than once in the last two weeks. It's tough. I'm not good about not being happy. I'm not good about having to work with people who are miserable and make it their job to make me miserable too. I'm happy to report, though, that today has been a good day. I'm thinking that "This too shall pass" and I will be all the more stronger for it!

4) Weigh ins! I have been weighing in, I just haven't updated you all! So sorry! I, today, am down 99 lbs!!! I know, I know, why won't that one little pound just disappear? I have a feeling that I may have a little set back due to the surgery, but I'm not going to give up yet! I'm in this to win it! Stress can't keep me down. Intestinal distress can't keep me down. Not even moving in with a bunch of crazies will keep me down! I'm in it!!! I'll get there. You watch me!!! :-)

5) I lost track of the 30 for 30 challenge. I was doing great! Then, I became a little overwhelmed with all of the moving and downsizing and work, etc. that I forgot to keep track of the actual activity I was doing. I kept myself moving most of the time, but I didn't do "intentional" exercise everyday. I feel awful that I failed the challenge. All in all, I probably missed about 3 days. But I did learn from the experience. I learned how easy it will be to not exercise if I let things get in the way. I will keep on keeping on and dedicate myself to intentional activity.

6) Blog reading! I'm so sadly behind! But . . .since I'll be laid up this week (thanks to the surgery), I'll get a chance to catch up! I feel so far behind! I want to know what's going on in blogland! All of my cyber friends are so inspiring, touching, and wonderful bloggers, I want to catch up! I'll get back in the groove! I promise!

I'm certain I haven't caught you up on everything, but I feel better getting this stuff off of my chest! I hope all is well! I hope to be commenting on your lives/blogs VERY SOON!!!!!

It's Thursday? When did that happen?

2009-05-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

So, I was sitting here realizing that I didn't get to post on my weekly weigh in day. Here I thought I was only a day behind. Then, I realized, it's THURSDAY!!!!

I'm in over my head. It's true. Work has been extremely tough and has kept me so busy I haven't been able to read blogs/keep up to date/let alone think about something that I get to post for myself. Then, in the evenings, I'm spending the time that I have packing and cleaning and moving and all that jazz.

I will say . . . I have still be able to do at LEAST 30 minutes of intentional activity for the 30 for 30 challenge. I may be cheating a little bit because a few times I've used moving and packing, but it is constant movement and I even wake up sore in the mornings. I certainly hope that life (as I currently know it) will slow down and allow me to enjoy a little more.

I DID make it on the scale this week. I don't know if it's good or bad, but the scale didn't move! It's good - because it didn't go up. It's bad - because it didn't go down either. I will not make my goal of being 100 lighter by my 1 year surgeons appointment (unless I can drop 6 lbs in 4 days), but I'm ok with that.

I found a piece of paper the other day, in my moving frenzy, and I was so blown away by this finding. The paper had a list of goals that I had written out a year ago (before surgery). I was so blown away because back then, I don't think I believed in myself. It really opened my eyes to what I truly was feeling last year (and so many times before).

Here are some things on the list:

Be under 200 lbs
Be able to shop in a "non" large sized store
Be able to exercise for more than 20 minutes without feeling like I was going to die
Be able to purchase undergarments from Victoria's Secret

The fun thing about the items on the list? I've done them all! And I'm still improving!!!!! I have been focusing on being all the way to goal, or on being done with this journey. But the reality is . . . I will NEVER be done. I will always be focused on this goal of being healthy and I will always be striving to be better and keep it off.

I may never get to what I originally thought of as a "number goal" but I have achieved so much already that it doesn't matter. I am a success and I can do all of the things that I thought were too hard (as of last year). I am grateful for the tool and the gift that I have . I am excited to be closing this first year of trials, experiments, tests, and milestones. I'm really looking forward to living as the newer, healthier version of me!

The "cop-out"

2009-05-06T14:50:00.000-07:00

Yep! That's what I've said. I've found that I'm using the 30 for 30 challenge as a cop-out!

See, typically, I'll go to the gym about 3 - 4 days a week and I'll work out for 45 minutes to an hour with some serious cardio and then light weight training. Well, I don't go everyday, so I was thinking that if I got a little exercise in every day, that would be great and a great challenge to see if any improvements could be made. Well, the problem is that I have now found that the 30 minute videos or a 30 minute walk are a great way to get the 30 minutes in for the challenge without having to spend the 2 hours it would take me to get to the gym, work out, and get back. The problem is, I've started substituting the videos for the gym because it's so easy. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal. But the videos don't give me the work out I need or want. They get me by in terms of one goal. But this doesn't get me to where I want to be in terms of the "Big Picture"!

This is no one's fault but my own. And, I didn't realize it until last night when I did go to the gym because I had an appointment with Micah (personal trainer) and he worked me to the bone! I'm shocked I made it through the session. This all made me realize, that I need to do the 30 minutes in addition to my regularly scheduled work out days! Sometimes it just takes the sky falling and knocking me out to make me realize things that I should already know!

Don't get me wrong here. I'm still following through with the challenge and I'm feeling accomplished every time I get to log my exercise for the day and see that I've done 8 days in a row (soon to be more) without fail. But I need to realize that this challenge is exactly that. A challenge! On top of what you already know and do. So, this is how I will treat my big, bad 30 for 30 challenge. No more cop-outs. No more excuses to not make it to the gym because, "I can just do a video". No more short cuts! I'm in it to win it!!!! Plus, Laurie is kicking my butt because she's still jamming at the gym, at work and STILL completing the challenge on top of it all! What an inspiration!!!

When the world is unraveling before you . . .

2009-05-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

You figure out how to tie it back up, right?

Well, it's true! I've been going through a great deal of unraveling. Now, I'm taking this bull by the horns and going to tackle it - the best I can!

First things first . . . Weigh in day. I jumped on the scale this morning, not really knowing what to expect, but I certainly wasn't expecting what I got. I was up again! Oh Yes! That ugly little scale said I was at 174! That's a whole 1.5 pounds more than last week (which was up). So, there is probably a great deal of truth in the idea that stress is a key contributor to obesity! I will not take that obesity back! I will not! But I will do what I can to conquer the stress demon in my world!

Next on the agenda . . . the 30 for 30 challenge! YES SIR! I'm still in it to win it! I have successfully completed AT LEAST 30 minutes of dedicated activity for 7 days in a row! Thank goodness for the ease of the workout videos. Between the Hip Hop Abs, the Tae Bo, and Kathy Smith's exercise videos, I've been quite successful. I've also included some mini-golf and I even had my sister get her booty moving with me!!! So, we're still on it and I'm still going forward.

So, last week (the same day I agreed to do the 30 for 30 challenge) things got tough for me. I'm under a great deal of stress at work. I've got a mess of co-workers that have turned into jerks because they are unhappy with their jobs and now it's being rolled down to me. It makes for a very difficult environment. So, while I was contemplating what to do with this situation, I was told (by my landlord) that I either kick out my friends/roommates or I will be asked to leave. Well, I certainly can't afford to live in the house on my own, so, I have now given my 30 days notice.

As if the work stress wasn't enough, then we add on the weight gain, then we add on financial troubles, and now moving? I think I'm in for a bit of a rough month! I need to figure out how to NOT let this get the best of me. I also need to figure out how to control my stress eating, emotional need to eat, and how to get back to the basics of what I KNOW to do!!!!!

I'm not going to lie, I'm feeling a little defeated right now. But, at the same time, I feel like I can take this. I need to get control and I know that this will provide me with a great deal of confidence, once the challenges subside.

Unfortunately, since I've been under so much stress and pressure at work, I have not been able to catch up with the blogs that I know and love and I can't wait to get back to them because - whether you know it or not - the blogs you all write are so inspiring and uplifting and so real! I cannot wait to see what's happening in blog land and find out that everyone else is doing swimmingly!

This one is for Liza and an update on the 30 for 30!

2009-05-01T07:54:00.000-07:00

It's FRIDAY!!!! Finally!!!

So, Liza had asked a question about "what's C&P". Well, several months ago, when I had just started to explore the blog world and really get into this WONDERFUL blogging community, I had stumbled upon JustJil's Blog - which I LOVE! Anyway, she had shared a story about a co-worker and the co-worker said something incredibly questionable. Jil's post made me want to own up to the idea of being a C&P girl and really embrace it - even though it was meant to discount those who choose surgery. I am with Jil - it's tough, it's a difficult process, it's SO much more difficult than others think. Here's a link to the blog http://justjil.wordpress.com/2008/11/21/i-am-only-a-paper-girl-living-in-a-paper-world/- you should read it, if you get a chance. Jil is AMAZING! Just like so many of my other blog friends! So, Liza, in just a few short days, you'll be a C & P girl too!!!! We're definitely going to have to arrange a party!!!!! I would LOVE to actually meet you all!

Now, on to business! I've successfully completed 3 days of incorporating at least 30 minutes of exercise into my day! It's been a little tough, due to recent stress and emotion, but it feels good to be sticking to it in spite of the drama! I only made it to the gym once (day 1), but Wednesday I did a little Hip Hop abs (which was a riot), and last night I pulled out the old Tae Bo video! I had actually missed that! Now, I don't typically dedicate time to working out on the weekends but I will be doing that over this 30 day period. So, I'm certain some trips to the park, the roller rink, and the golf course are in order! :-) I'm going to complete this challenge if it kills me (which it won't because it's good for me! Thanks Laurie, for the inspiration! You're doing GREAT too!!!!

I'm looking forward to a good weekend. There is a lot that needs to be accomplished and I'm going to try to keep it all in perspective. My life is going to take on some serious changes that I'm not so sure that I'm ready for, but it will be good in the long run - so I hope. I'm sure I'll be venting about it soon enough! Until then, I hope all is well and I look forward to catching up with everyone soon (work has been crazy which really cuts into my blog reading)!

30 for 30 Challenge

2009-04-29T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm jumping on the bandwagon! Laurie is participating in a 30 for 30 (30 minutes of exercise every day for 30 days) Challenge and I'm challenging myself to go right along with her. See what you C & P girls do to me? I'm actually really excited about it and I'm excited about making it a whole 30 days. Yes, I typically get in a workout 3 - 4 days a week, but all 7 days for weeks? This will definitely be a bit of a challenge and I'm in it to win it!

So, the challenge began (for me) yesterday. It's a good thing that I met with Micah last night. We got this 30 day challenge thing started off with a bang! He worked me like no other. He even made the comment, "Heather, I don't think you've ever sweat this much with me." And he was right! IT WAS TOUGH, but it felt good. It felt good to be pushed and know that I wasn't giving up - even if I wanted to tell him that I couldn't do any more!

So, now, that I've devoted myself to 30 minutes every day, I have do decide what we're in for every day. I'm going to have to carefully plan it out. Tonight, it's either going to be a gym night or we're going to venture into the "Hip Hop Abs" territory. I haven't done that in so long, I'm almost giddy about the thought of "bustin a move" and working on my fitness at the same time.

Thanks for the challenge Laurie (and the support)! It's fun to have something to share and report! Anyone else want to join us? :-)

Now, I'll have to think of more rewards for myself when I succeed!!!! Maybe a trip to TEXAS (I've never been and always wanted to go) for some yummy, soft serve protein ice cream with some C & P peeps? hmmmmm? Maybe?!

Uh oh!

2009-04-28T13:05:00.001-07:00

Yep! It's a bit of an "uh oh" day! Wait, Wait! I'm going to take Laurie's advice and "Fake it till you make it". It's a BEAUTIFUL day!!! Nothing could go wrong! I do want to fake it but I want all the ickys to go away while I'm faking it. What are the chance of that happening?

Back to business! Today was weigh in day! woo hoo! Well, I was up! Yes Sir! I was up a whole pound. Can you imagine?? Yeah, I was a little disappointed, but not at all surprised. In fact, I almost skipped my Wii session this morning because I knew it might be ugly. Don't get me wrong, it's only a pound. That can come off by next week anyway. But I was disappointed because I know EXACTLY what I did wrong: haven't been to the gym in a week, been under tons of stress at work, allowed myself to eat out of frustration/boredom, and ate way too much sugar! So, no question about it - the scale was exactly where it should've been!

On a better note, I'm back on track! Yesterday was a better day (than the weekend) and today has been even better. I'm scheduled for a session with Micah the personal trainer tonight, so there's no doubt I'll be kicked into shape (or at least a better attitude) by about 7:30 tonight!

I have decided that I am going to add more protein/shakes to my life. I've heard a lot of talk about how people stall in their weight loss or slow down dramatically and then kick up the protein and BAM, things start falling off. Well, I'm going to test that theory! I'm going to start tonight with a yummy chocolate/banana/PB2 shake after the work out! I'll keep you posted on my progress!

I have successfully ordered the book "Joining the Thin Club" and now, I just have to wait for it to arrive. Ok bloggy friends, have you read it? Do you like it so far??

I'm super excited about getting the book and reading it. I'm starting to enjoy reading again. The only frustration I have now is the lack of time. Can't people pay me to sit around and read instead of be at work all day long?? :-)

It's been a busy last week, busy weekend, and even busier week ahead. I need to take more time to write/blog and really get my feelings out there. Watch out! Things could get ugly! :-)

I hope you are all doing remarkably well. I look forward to catching up on blogs and chiming in on your successes!!!!

When you need a little reality check . . .

2009-04-22T10:01:00.000-07:00

Just go through old pictures, right? Well, I stumbled upon a few pictures today while I was searching for something, and this is what I found. WOW! Really? Sure, I found others too, but this one got me.

I guess there's nothing like making yourself appreciate where you are by looking at where you've been? There's a huge part of me that wanted to delete this immediately when I saw it. It's certainly not the most flattering photo of me (and probably why I stopped taking pictures all together), but then I realized that I WANT this to be a reminder of where I was, how I felt, and how desperate I was to make a change. I want to be able to love myself, my accomplishments, and know that I do deserve to obtain and work toward the finer things in life. What a journey!!!

On a side note, Thanks Liza for the book suggestion! I'll be going out and finding that book this weekend! It sounds like a good one to have. I'll keep you all posted on my progress!

Tuesday? Already?

2009-04-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

Yes, it is Tuesday and I don't have any clever reasons or antics to get out of weighing in today. So, the verdict is . . . I'm down 1.5 lbs! YIPEE!!! I'm now only 2.5 lbs away from my first MAJOR goal! That, of course, is to have lost 100 lbs before my Surgiversary on May 22! I don't know, but it's starting to look like I might make it! REALLY??? Now that will change my day around! Now, if I could only come up with a good "reward"!

I've been neglecting the blog somewhat consciously for a few days. I had a lot going on last week and I didn't really know how to sort it all out. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I look so different than what I'm used to. I'm also having to come to terms with that I still struggle with body image and body image issues. I am sure that I'm not the only one facing these issues, but they do force me to question what is going on in my head and how I really need to deal with these. Guess I'll be arranging for a therapy session soon!

On a more positive note, I'm feeling good about my exercise regime. I'm starting to feel like there's muscle - under the soft, squishy exterior, of course. But, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling muscles in my arms, legs, and quite possibly in my abs! It's a good feeling! And now, I just want more!!! Unfortunately, I'll have to skip the gym again tonight because I'm at home dealing with a poor, sick, little boy, but I'll get some sort of exercise in - even it's wrestling with the little man to get medicine down his throat! :-)

I'm trying to make this a good day! At least it started on the right foot!! Thank you Wii Fit! :-)

The secret is out!

2009-04-14T10:37:00.000-07:00

Yep! It's my birthday! Happy birthday to me! (Thank you Laurie! What a bright and shiny day you have started!)

Isn't it strange how as we get older birthdays seem so much less significant? Is that because we no longer want to admit that we are getting older or are we just sick of celebrating them? Whatever it is, it's just not as fun as it used to be. But, that doesn't mean that I'm not going to have a great day!

So, in honor of my B-day, I decided to give myself a few things. 1) I didn't weigh today because I didn't want to be disappointed (just in case). I don't know that I would've been, but I'd rather not take the chance. 2) I'm sacrificing the gym tonight and rescheduling my appointment with Micah. Who wants to get beat up in the gym on their birthday? So, I over did it yesterday instead! Yeah me! 3) I'm giving myself a great attitude today, in spite of recent events (to be explained another time). I am entitled to a great day!

The plan for today? I'm taking off of work early today! Yes sir! And going to a movie (The Fast and the Furious - eye candy anyone?). A movie in the middle of the day? How cool is that? And then I'm having a free birthday burger at Red Robin with my son and some friends. Nothing too fancy, nothing over the top, just some good old fashioned fun.

I hope everyone is in for a fabulous day!

Time to catch up & face a challenge!

2009-04-09T10:57:00.000-07:00

This has been a very busy week for me. But it's been mostly good. That's a bonus!

So, Tuesday, I was scheduled to meet with Micah. I went to the gym - but before the gym I decided to have a little snack of strawberries & whipped cream. This ended up being a bad idea, but I didn't find that out until later. I was at the gym doing my cardio (for 30 min. before I met with Micah) and I was trucking along just fine. When it was 6pm, I went downstairs to wait. While waiting, all of a sudden, that sick/dumping feeling came on. All I could think about was how to get home. How was I supposed to work out? How was I supposed to lift weights? Well, 10 minutes goes by and still no Micah. All I know is that I have to get out of there and get out fast! So, I went to the front desk and told them that I was going to have to reschedule. They were trying to convince me that Micah was there, but I didn't care, I needed to run home and curl up into a fetal position until the feeling passed. EEEWWWW. At least I got a good 30 minute workout in before the feeling hit.

So, that is twice now that too much fruit has caused some problems. What does that mean? Lay off the fruit, Heather!!!!! Good advice. I think I'm going to follow it. Of course, I can have a little, but not much. I'll keep tabs on that, just so I don't get stuck like that again.

The other good news is that I felt better yesterday, naturally, and so I went back for a lovely little gym session. Much to my surprise, Micah was there and he was more than willing to fit me in. So, we WORKED and WORKED HARD last night! It felt great and now I can't wait to keep it up. It feels good. I have more energy and I can't wait to start seeing and feeling results!

On another note, I was reading Janine's (http://journeytoaminime.blogspot.com) this morning and she had extended a challenge. She has been following some video blogs (aka - vlogs) and one of them had issued a challenge to create four statements and the statements were to begin as:
I can
I will
I want
I won't

So, Janine, I am accepting your challenge and I am writing in response to your blog. I think this is a very good exercise and a great reminder of what we have, can, and will achieve! Thank you for your suggestion and for sharing your thoughts!

Here's how my statements go:
I can achieve the goals I have set for myself - regardless of how much time they take!
I will remain positive about how far I've come and how much my life has changed for the better!
I want to accept and appreciate myself for who I am and where I'm going.
I won't allow myself to believe that I am not worth all of the things I'm working toward!

Thank you for the challenge. It feels good to participate in exercises such as this because it almost forces us to look at things in a different light. I'd be interested to see what all my other blogger friends would say. Consider yourself challenged!!!

What to do with a Tuesday . . .

2009-04-07T13:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I know what I do with Tuesdays, I weigh in (whether I like it or not)! I must say, today, I was dreading having to get on the scale. I was trying to convince myself that I could wait until tomorrow, but that's not being very accountable - is it?

The good news is . . . I was exactly the same! Still under 175, even under 174. I'm at 173 - still! I think that I was nervous because I had lost 3 lbs in one week and that (in my head) just couldn't have stayed off. But it did! So, I am grateful for this. I don't think I will make it to my initial goal of having lost 100lbs by my birthday (one week from today), but I think 96 lbs is pretty darn good!!! And no one can take that achievement away from me. :-)

I made it back to the gym last night and it felt great! Sure, I'm a little bit exhausted today, but I'm back! I get to meet up with Micah and see what kind of "butt kicking" he's going to give me. Fortunately, I'm looking forward to it. I like the challenge. I like the idea that results will follow (eventually). I don't always like the pain while I'm in it, but I do like the after effects. It's as they say . . . "Beauty is pain".

I have noticed, also, that since vacation, my appetite has been so much different as well as the amount of food that I can eat. It's almost as if the cruise was some sort of a "pouch test". I never felt over full on the trip. I never even cared if I ate or not. In fact, one night, we (my cousins and I) skipped dinner all together. I think of this transition as a good thing because I was really getting concerned with the amount that I was eating. But now, I feel like I'm a little bit more in control and I like it.

I know that this is quite the rambling post. I just have a lot of things rolling around in my head and I wanted to get them out. Thanks for keeping up with them!

I hope all is well in your world. I look forward to more positive postings - both reading and writing!

At least I get one photographic memory . . .

2009-04-06T14:45:00.000-07:00

So, I finally scanned in a photo (or two) from the professional photographers (yes, very cheesy photos) on the cruise. Between my mother and I, we purchased about 5 of them. Some good, some, not so good. I cropped one and now will be using this as my "head shot" or profile pic. It's a little cheesy, but fun!

I'm in good spirits today! This is good news! I even had another exhausting weekend - acting like a teenager and staying out until 3am! But it was great! The weather is great and it makes me want to be in a better mood - regardless of the sleep I'm lacking! :-)

Now, the trainer is out to get me. Micah caught me cheating myself of the gym. He called me last night to remind me that I haven't seen him in a while and he thinks we should get together again tomorrow. I told him I'm ready! So, back the to gym we go! YIPEE!!! I'm actually ready for it. I need my energy back!!!

So, now a report on the date. It actually went well. I must admit it was the best first date I think I may have ever had. Now, I'm not saying that it's going anywhere - but it could, I guess. It was great and I now have a little bit of a better attitude about dating - I think. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't uncomfortable, it wasn't boring. We had a great time and I'd really look forward to going out again! But, because I'm the old-fashioned type, this poor boy is going to have to put in the work (at least up front)!

I just wanted to share a quick post for this crazy Monday. I hope all is well and I look forward to the weekly reports from all of you!!!!

Recovered, finally!

2009-04-03T13:26:00.000-07:00

It has only taken me a FULL week to recover from last weekend's cruise. Thank God the recovery finally came! I'm starting to feel much more like myself and not so "drugged" by the ocean (and it's movement). Don't get me wrong, I could still use a few more hours of sleep, but that's what the weekend is about, right? Let's hope!

Still no word on the camera. Still devastated/disappointed about it. There were some really cute pictures on there. I'm still praying that it turns up. I don't even care as much about the camera as much as I care about the photos/memory card/memories. Enough about that! My Mom and I did purchase some of the professional photos on the cruise. Let's hope I can get them scanned in so I can share a little of the fun with everyone.

I do have to admit, being all cruise "hung over" I have skipped the gym the entire week! Hmmm, do you think that may have had something to do with my dwindling energy? Nah! Ok, maybe. But, I'll be back on Monday! Woo hoo!!!!

I do have a better attitude. This whole "roller coaster journey" is a tough experience, but it is so great to know that others face and deal with the same things. It was so great to hear from all of you and get the encouragement that I so desperately needed. Apparently, we all have our layers of protection for one reason or another and when that protection is gone, I think it's a little bit scary. I have a new outlook and I have a more positive attitude and I'm ready to accept myself and the changes I am going through. What a crazy journey!

So, it's been a tough week, but a good week. I'm looking forward to my weeks getting better and better!

May I have your attention, please?

2009-04-01T12:36:00.000-07:00

So, I mentioned in my post yesterday that I had learned a few things about myself. One of the more major things that I learned about myself is how I've always seemed to avoid attention - necessary attention or not. I was always the "chubby" girl so I didn't get a whole lot of attention from a lot of people - especially of the male persuasion - and I was ok with this. I probably used that layer of excess to hide myself from having to be noticed and approached. That was also how I justified not getting the attention - the idea that "I'm fat, nobody will be interested in me". Yep, that's exactly what I did.

Well, this past weekend forced me to realize that I am now getting more attention than I'm used to and I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't have as much of the "protective" layer anymore and so I can't use it as my excuse to run and hide or convince people that they shouldn't be interested in me. Now, I have to face it. But how? How can we not be the "chubby" girl, when that's all we know? How can we believe that what the other person is seeing isn't necessarily what we see (or think we see)?

This past weekend I was approached by a few gentlemen (at various times). They were, clearly, trying to flirt but I diverted them to "the cute girls at the end of the bar". And yes, I did use those exact words. It's not that I don't believe that I'm cute or worth being flirted with, I just don't believe that they would want to be flirting with me. So, I sent them on.

Then, one persistent (and quite cute) fellow kept trying. And because he was NOT giving up, I allowed myself to flirt back. That, in turn, brought on vulnerability because he was "cute" and he liked me. This is something that I'm completely not used to. The problem was, that I wanted more interaction/flirting/attention. Yet, I knew that this little flirting session wasn't going to go anywhere because 1) we were on a cruise ship 2) he was not from the USA 3) I don't know that I believed what he was saying about me. But maybe that was because I didn't believe it myself? I'm not gonna lie, it was sure fun getting the attention. And, it made me want to spend all sorts of time with him so that he would keep telling me things and I might even have started to believe it. Of course, that didn't happen - I barely saw him after that evening, but it was still fun.

This brought me to a few questions and struggles in my current (not as chubby) world. How do I prevent myself from being vulnerable and possibly "settle" just because I may be getting extra attention? I'm still the same person as I was 96 pounds ago, why do I let my guard down so much more quickly than I did when I did have the protective layer? How do I know when someone is being genuine about wanting to "get to know me"? How do I know that these guys really are interested? How can I stop feeling so insecure about meeting people and dating relationships? Just because I have been unsuccessful in the past, doesn't mean that there's no success for my relationships of the future. Right?

I know that this is a big rambling session. I know that I need to find the answers to these questions for myself. I just needed an outlet and/or a sounding board so that I can really be open and aware of the struggles and insecurities I face. Maybe just getting it off my chest will open new ideas and avenues so that I can answer these questions?

Talk about laying it all out there! Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to throw a pitty party or anything, I just need to sort out the true thoughts in my head so I can get the negativity out of it and bring in some positive thoughts and directions. I felt it necessary and I actually feel better just having vented a bit. Now, I guess I have some questions to answer! My therapist is going to love this one! :-)

She's back . . .

2009-03-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

Barely!!!

It's true, it's true! I'm back from vacation! Unfortunately, now I REALLY need a vacation. I'm exhausted! That's not exactly how I had planned for things to work, but what can you do? Right?

So, last Thursday 26 of my family members and I took a cruise to Ensenada, Mexico. It was a great time! I did learn a LOT from this weekend. I'm not sure if I can/should blog about it all, but it was definitely a learning experience (from various perspectives).

Today also happens to be the day that I do my weekly weigh in. Sure enough, I LOST WEIGHT! What? I know! It's true, it's true, there is a way to lose weight on a cruise. Unfortunately, it's probably not the healthiest way to do it, but it happened. I probably drank more than I ate (not a good thing). Sometimes, that's what family and having fun will do to you. This is just one of the things I had learned (there is no need to consume so much alcohol! It makes me crazy).

Another thing that I learned about myself while I was away was how much I depend on my WLS cyber friends & blog postings. I honestly almost felt lost not being in contact with what was happening. I kept wondering what you all were doing and how I was going to share about my experiences. I even wondered, if I were more connected, would I have gotten so carried away?

Anyway, I did end up having a fabulous time. I didn't get nearly enough sleep and haven't been able to sleep well since I've been back. I'm hoping that (now that I'm back to work & the routine) I'll be able to catch up and get some good sleep tonight. I certainly need it, before I go pulling my hair out.

I will say, it's strange, when I do fall asleep, I have crazy dreams about the ship that I was on, people that were on it and how many ways I lost my camera. Yep! I lost my camera on the first night! I'm devastated and I really think it's taking a toll on me (even emotionally). Doesn't that sound crazy? I so wanted to have new photos to post and be able to share about my experiences and have things to back them up, but I recklessly lost the camera and it's really getting to me. I don't even really know why it's affecting me so much, but it is. I just keep praying that it will be found and returned to me. I know that the camera is replaceable, but the photos on it are not.

I do have so much to say, share, ponder and really get a grip on - but I have so much to do and catch up on that I just can't concentrate on it right now. Maybe it'll be a multiple-post day? Besides, I have a ton of reading/catching up to do to find out how everyone else has been while I've been out.

I hope all is well and I can't wait to hear about all the stories I've missed since I have been gone.

Now that's peculiar . . .

2009-03-24T09:12:00.000-07:00

The scale actually moved!!!! Nope. I'm not kidding. Would I kid about something that has been stressing me out? Ok, I would, but I'm not!

I had to do a ton of shopping this weekend (which I HATE) in order to prepare for our Cruise (we leave tomorrow after work) and it was horrible! Of course, I had to try to find a bathing suit and shorts because I didn't have any. Well, everything I tried on was tight, didn't fit right, revealed too much, all of that good stuff that's associated with my fear and loathing of shopping! So, with that experience in the back of my mind, there was NO WAY that I expected the scale to move. But it did - and I was EXCITED! Sure, there was a mad rush of disbelief, but that passed while in the shower and trying to convince myself that the scale doesn't lie.

So, maybe there was some truth in my theory about the carbs? I went from eating 60 % of my daily totals in carbohydrate to 40%ish on a daily basis. Could that have done it? I'm guessing it had a hand in this! The lower carb intake coupled with the drinking of more water and Micah kicking my butt . . . now I think we're getting somewhere! Finally!

Now, I'm scared to say that I'm really nervous about the cruise. It's a MUCH NEEDED vacation, but people go on these things to eat 24 hours a day! I cannot do this. Nor do I want to do this. I'm certain that this will be a good test of my will. I think I'm ready for it. I'm just nervous. This too shall pass. Maybe I'll be one of the crazy people that LOSES weight on a cruise? Wouldn't that be great?

So, I'm in for a very busy week, but excited about where it's going!

Success! Finally!

2009-03-20T14:03:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've had a huge desire to experiment in the kitchen, like I used to. Well, I don't cook or even play nearly as often as I used to. This is probably because I don't eat like I used to and I don't have a ton of people around me to share it with. All that doesn't really matter. What matters is, I've been wanting to make some fun things, and have them be both good and good for me.

So, a few weeks ago Eggface (www.theworldaccordingtoeggface.com), who posts wonderful ideas and recipes (like protein ice cream that even non-ops like) and all sorts of fun for the WLS world, posted a recipe for "mini protein donuts". I was so excited about the idea of having "healthy" donuts that I ordered the pan online. Well, I first attempted to make these donuts about 2 weeks ago and they turned out horribly! REALLY! And I thought, "Why in the world would someone think these are good"? And I decided, maybe it was just my tastes (everything has changed since surgery).

Last night, I decided I wasn't ready to give up on the donuts just yet. Besides, I had just bought the pan! I can't let it go so soon. I made a few minor changes to the recipe and BAM! They were GREAT! Seriously! I ate two (frozen) for breakfast and I was so glad I did. Finally, I get to feel successful in the kitchen again.

The night before, I had made some "mini" apple crisp (made with Splenda brown sugar) and they turned out fabulous also! So, I may be back in the kitchen! This has made my week. Now, I'm excited to explore opportunities and see what other recipes I can make. Kim, your "cuisine" is next on my list! :-)

So, I must say, a day that started off with donuts can't be all that bad, right? I'm excited about the weekend and looking forward to serious productivity and pampering!

I'm convinced!

2009-03-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

Micah is out to get me! Sure, sure, that's his job. Whatever. I think he was taking it easy on me until I "sealed the deal" and started paying the big bucks. Now, he makes me want to run and hide. Or maybe he's getting too confident in his own abilities?? Yeah, maybe that's it.

So, all that ranting was basically to say, I worked my butt off last night. And even though I wanted to quit, Micah wouldn't let me. Yes, yes, I am grateful that I finished and I am grateful for how I'm going to feel later, but last night's workout was hard!

I think that one of the reasons that this workout was so hard was because I realized how weak I really am. Sure, I've always played the "I'm tough" part in my life, but when exercising made me purely exhausted and I seriously wasn't able to do one more "dip" (and we had only done 20). I was sad that I'm not the "strong" person I thought I was.

I know it sounds like I'm whining. I guess I am. But at the same time, this whole episode last night gave me great motivation. Now I want to work harder to show that I can have muscle. I can be stronger. I can do this! I will prove to myself that I can! That's how I felt on the way home from the gym - which was great! THEN, last night's episode of "The Biggest Loser" drove it home even more. Those contestants (most still over 200 lbs) ran a half marathon! Sure, a bunch of them thought they were going to die, but they did it and they felt amazing.

I think sometimes we need to be pushed to realize that we can accomplish things out of our immediate grasp. I didn't think I could do a lot of that last night, but my little trainer wasn't going to let me quit. We have to work at it to get there. And that is what I will do!

Besides, there may be some tightening of some necessary places in this for me!

Still holding . . .

2009-03-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

Yes siree! I'm still hanging out at 178. Could this be the "new" me? Maybe. But, again, I'm not ready to give up yet! I've got time. I'm still 2 months away from my "surgiversary". But at the same time, I'm only 2 MONTHS away from my "surgiversary! I wanted to have lost at least 100 lbs by that date, but I'm not sure that is what my body really wants. I'm sure I'll fight, kick, and scream about it, but if this is where I am meant to end up/stay - it most CERTAINLY beats where I was a year ago!!!!

I get to meet up with Micah tonight. We missed our session last week because I was sick/lazy. But I think I'm ready for him. In fact, I visited the gym last night and pushed myself just to make sure I could! And my little muffin (son) was so glad we made it!

I did well with cutting the carbs yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I didn't do perfect, but we're taking baby steps - right? I consumed a mere (sarcasm) 40% of my intake from carbs! That's almost a 20% reduction! Woo hoo! I am still SHOCKED to find that I am eating nearly 1200 calories a day. Sure, I don't feel hunger, but is that really necessary? These are the things that will be modified in my next "investigation" of the dietary habits!

So, this week is off to a good start. I'm excited about making changes. I'm really excited about seeing how the changes change everything.

And we're back . . .

2009-03-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

At least I hope so!

Last week was a rough week. Not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, and even dietarily (don't know if that's a real word or not, but I don't mind). So, this week, we're looking for some changes.

Last week, I decided to take the week off of exercise because I wasn't feeling well and I was afraid that if I didn't rest that I would get more sick. Well, I think that was me telling myself to take a break because I wanted to be lazy. Of course, in retrospect, I think taking the week off was a horrible idea. I didn't get any worse, but I'm sure I could've pushed through and maybe even got better more quickly if I had "sweated" it all out? I don't know. But I need to be more aware of my "self-sabotage" and when it's trying to creep in. The really sad part is that I robbed my son of his social/activity hour and he really missed it. I will think twice before I allow us both the sacrifice for a little "rest" or laziness!

I also decided to follow in the foot-steps of a few of my cyber friends and track my daily intake. I picked www.fitday.com to be the current log of my calories/intake. This site will provide me with a pie chart of percentages of types of food. This is where the lovely little site brought me a little slap in the face. I have been consuming 60-65% of my calorie intake in carbs!!!!! This is not acceptable! Especially since I KNOW that I wasn't working them off last week. So, I'm glad that I kept track of this because now I know that I've been lying to myself (or at least not being completely honest) and this could be the reason that I'm not making the progress I want to. So, this week, I get to focus on getting those ugly, evil, yucky carbs out of my diet and hopefully see if that makes any changes.

I feel good about this week. I feel good about making progress and I feel good about making changes that will allow me to be healthier. I have the power to do this. I have the desire to be healthy. I just need to remember that the carbs and lack of exercise were major contributors to the reason I was where I was. I also have to remember how desperate I am and have been to get out of that place. The "new" Heather has to have a "new" plan!

Here's to a great week of success and realizations!

My theories are crap . . . and other emotional revelations/ramblings

2009-03-10T12:55:00.000-07:00

Yep! I said it. I was so proud of myself over the last few weeks. See, I have been surrounded by sick people since the beginning of the year. Then, I thought that maybe I wasn't getting sick because I have become a well vitamined - healthy machine. I even told people that I thought I wasn't getting sick because I fell almost "over vitamined" per surgeons recommendations (just as any post-WLS person is vitamined). Well, that was crap! The only reason that I say this is because I think I'm getting sick. YUCK! I'm not a good "sick" person. Don't get me wrong, I'm still fighting this battle, but I'm just hoping and praying that I win!

In other news . . . The scale was the same again today. Sure, I can definitely chalk this one up to not feeling well. I skipped the gym last night and I'm skipping the gym (and my session w/ Micah) tonight as well. If it's true that rest and liquids can heal the sick, then that is what I will do! I do feel that resting last night helped the illness, but I don't think it helped the scale! No worries, I'll still push through. It's bound to change at some point, right?

In a nutshell, I'm a little "out of it" lately, probably because of whatever ailment I'm suffering with. I have been reading blogs, but I don't have any clever, quick witted comments to contribute and that makes me a little sad so I end up not saying anything. I know that I should, but I haven't. I hope you all understand, I'll get back on the commenting band-wagon before you know it. Don't stop writing though, I'll miss it too much!

So, I currently am finding that I have a lot of friends (YES, even cyber friends) that are having a lot of struggles in various areas of their lives right now. I feel really sad because I don't know what to say or what to do or how to take it all away. I really, really wish I did. I fear that saying something when I really don't know what they are going through would end up making it look like or feel like I have no idea what I'm talking about. It's true, I probably don't know what I'm talking about, but I do like to think that a good friend would be able to offer at least a little sunshine in a day full of clouds.

I actually was able to meet with a really good friend of mine this past weekend. We were the best of friends. The only reason that even had to change was because I moved away several years ago and it was hard to connect from so far away. But, we got together on Saturday and Sunday and were catching up like nothing had changed. Anyway, not quite seven years ago my friend and her family were in a horribly, devastating car accident. Everyone in the accident was injured. She broke her collarbone and ankle. Her husband was crushed/shattered from the waist down and is still struggling with the injuries. But the person that got the most of it was her 10 week old son. It's a long story, but in short (for the sake of the reader) all but 10% of his tiny little brain was damaged and he will not ever be what we thought he was supposed to be. He is not expected to walk/talk/react/function as a normal person - ever. Of course, I believe most of us know and feel that things happen for a reason and I think there is no exception in this story. We may not know the true reason just yet, but I'm sure we'll figure it out in time.

The reason I share this story is to share what she had let me in on this past weekend. She told me that she would never forget that time that we were together because I was the ONLY person that treated her the same way I always did (and still seem to be that person). If she did something funny, I would laugh. If she did something embarrassing, I would remind her of it when necessary. If she did something silly, I would tell her about it (in my oh-so-charming sarcasm). Of course, I told her that I only did this because I didn't know how to act any different than I ever had. It was a tough time for all of us - especially her - and if I could be the only normalcy in her life for that moment, then that was my mission. But I didn't do that because I knew she needed it. I did it because I truly didn't know how else to react. Honestly, all of this time, I have felt that I never did enough. I didn't offer enough, I didn't laugh enough, I didn't give all that I could. But somehow, it was more than she could've ever asked for. She knew that there was NOTHING that any of us could do to take it all away, and all she wanted was to feel normal. She didn't want everyone to have pity on her. She didn't want people to look at her with "puppy dog" eyes because there was nothing they could do and they felt sorry for her. She just wanted to feel normal.

I never knew that this was something was appreciated or valued until this past weekend. Honestly, it gave me a whole new perspective on how I will view and deal with the struggles that my friends face when I know that there's nothing I can do but be there when they need me. I will do everything in my power to help. But I will also not treat you any different than I would have before the struggles appeared. Whether it be problems getting pregnant, problems with the child you've already conceived, or problems with the special needs child that has changed your life. I want to be the best friend that I can be. So, please, feel free to come to me. I will listen, without judgement. I will hug you, in hopes of bringing comfort. I will cry with you, so you don't have to cry alone. I will laugh with you, so that you know there is joy at the end of the trial. I would do this so you can trust that it will all work out as God intended and in his time.

You'll have to forgive me for the long, rambling post. I tend to get emotional when I'm not feeling well. This just had to come out. Please know that I do keep you all in my prayers (that goes for you Kim, Anita, & Lauren). Whether you/they read this message or not, I felt that they/you need to know that you're in my thoughts, my heart and in my prayers.

When I complain about the scales not moving, I need to be reminded of the fact that others have a LOT more to complain about! This is not how I expected this post to go. But the therapy of this post (for me) is priceless!

I'm praying for a week full of blessings!

Could the plateau be back already??

2009-03-03T08:47:00.000-08:00

Happy weigh in day! Sure, I know that not everyone weighs in on Tuesdays, but it's fun to think we all do.

I have had an incredibly busy week and weekend. I guess I should be happy that the scale didn't go anywhere as opposed to going up - which it very well could have done. So, I'll keep my 178. That's quite an accomplishment! I'm really excited about getting to 175 though. I've never seen 175. I guess I've had never seen 178 before either, but 175 sounds so much better. I know that it looks much different on me than I think it looks on others, but I can't wait to be there! Maybe that's why these plateaus are so painful. There are mini-goals that I'm just not getting to and it's tough.

I missed a few workouts last week, due to the training, the weekend full of parties & family, and the craziness that is my life and motherhood. I did get back to the gym and worked this jiggle into quite a sweat! Which has brought me to the conclusion that it's hard work getting half-assed!

I have decided (through much evaluation and negotiation) to keep my personal trainer (little Micah) for another 8 weeks. I think it will really pay off. I may not love the personal training sessions, but I love the insight they provide. I also love the accountability and the new/creative way of exercising that I haven't yet explored. 8 more weeks/sessions will get me within 3 weeks of my 1 year surgiversary. If things are well and I feel like the personal training touch is necessary, that may just be my surgiversary gift to myself. We'll just have to see. I SO want to be at my goal by May 22. So, all I need to do is keep on keeping on - right? And that is what I shall do!

I must admit, I'm feeling very good. I do have energy. I am sleeping a bit better. I'm still suffering from what I like to call/think of as post-op insomnia. But when I do sleep, I sleep well. So, that has to count for something.

It's good to be back and back in the routine. I can't wait to see how well I do next week!

Apparently technology has a "dumping syndrome" too!

2009-02-25T10:08:00.000-08:00

Even though I did my weekly weigh in yesterday, I wasn't able to post my weekly report. Apparently Time Warner Cable had a huge mis-hap yesterday and we didn't have email or any type of Internet access for the entire day. Boy, did that make for a tough day!!!

So, the report is good! I was down another pound as of my weigh in yesterday. WOO HOO! So, maybe Micah is better for me than I had originally thought he would be. We're almost done with our "pre-paid" sessions and now I have to decide if I continue with the weekly sessions (which I really do think are helpful) or if I branch out on my own and take the chance. I will be putting some serious thought into this decision. I really do love that he provides me with exercises and techniques that are simple, but I just didn't think to do them. It's easier than just using the machines, but will I remember them all when he's gone? That's a tough one.

I'm actually doing pretty well, or so I think. I've been consistent with my exercise and my eating. Since my "dumping" episode, I've really been trying to watch what I put in my body. I'm making sure to get more water and protein in and I really think it's paying off. Once my body catches up with the exercise and gives me more energy I think I'll be doing pretty, stinkin, fabulous!!

I have to go out of town for training this week (Thursday and Friday). I'll be out of my normal routine (eating & exercising practices). I'm looking forward to the challenge, but I'm also nervous about being out of my comfort and forgetting things that are important (protein, water, vitamins, etc.). I guess you never know how you're going to fair until you stick your foot out there, huh?

So, here's me sticking my foot out there!!!

A dumping we will go!

2009-02-23T13:08:00.000-08:00

Yep! It's so true! I had my first "real" experience with the dumping syndrome last night. The crazy thing is that it's one of those "delayed reaction time" dumping syndrome deals (which tend to happen with sugar and fruit sugar products - so they say) and I was NOT expecting it. Had I known that this is what it was like, I wouldn't have tried so many things to "test" the actual tolerance of my system. Now, I know what it's like and I'm pretty sure I'll be keeping a good distance from the pumpkin empanadas (at least for now).

I'm not positive that this was the food that caused this horrible experience. Nor am I certain that it was the treat itself. It very well could've been that I had too much of this treat, and had I stopped with the first half, it wouldn't have happened at all. But then, I wouldn't have this oh, so, wonderful experience to look back on and KNOW that I never want to have this again!

So, I'm back to a world of healthful diligence. I spent pretty much the entire weekend being exhausted, sore, head achy, and grouchy (just ask my family). I'm pretty sure that was due to the over working out (Thanks a lot Micah) and the not eating the way that I should. So, let's bring it all back to the land of what I'm supposed to be doing and following through with what I know will work for me as opposed to trying it out because it MAY not have an effect on me.

I think I may need to do a little tweaking or toning down of the workout. I think it's possible that I'm just pushing too hard in order to see results more quickly. Unfortunately, this is leading to pain and discomfort. In all reality, every little bit of movement is going to help. I don't have to kill myself just to see the scales change. So, I will take it a little easier with the weights as to prevent the injury. I will continue with the cardio - because it feels good. But I don't have to climb the highest incline at the highest speed. I'm toning that down a notch too. Just for a little while, until I can get better with my nutrition (protein & water intake).

So, I'm focused. I'm motivated. I'm feeling better and working at never having to feel that again. YEAH!!!!

It's a great day for a funny story, don't you think?

2009-02-19T15:08:00.000-08:00

And I just so happen to have a funny story! At least I think it's funny.

So, all you C & P girls (Thank you for this term Jil - Whether your co-worker knows it or not, she's created quite a "fun" word for such a Wonderful group of people) will have to let me know if this happens to you. I'm only saying this because this isn't the first time it's happened to me.

On to the story . . . today at work I was having to clean out what I like to call the "crap closet". Well, a vendor (that usually comes by often but since we've been slow hasn't been around) was in the plant and he saw me walking by. He said to me, "Hey girl, how are you?" and at that point I just KNEW that he didn't remember my name. I politely responded with, "I'm good thanks" and wondered on my way. Then the gentleman came into the office and stopped me and at that point he remembered my name. He said, "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight!" Of course, I responded with, "Yep, I sure have." He then proceeded to tell me that he didn't recognize me outside and honestly had no idea that was me. Of course, he was being very complimentary and I accepted the compliments with a smile (which, if anyone knows me, is INCREDIBLY difficult for me to do).
Here's where the funny part comes in. He then went on to tell me that he's working hard and trying to lose weight too. He said he knows it takes a lot of work but sometimes he's too lazy or doesn't think about what he's doing or fails to follow through on weekends - and on, and on, and on as if I were his personal trainer or counselor and he needed to make up excuses as to why he hasn't lost weight. The reason this is so funny to be is because he's not the first person to do this! This seems to happen often times when I see someone that I haven't been around in a while. Now, we need to keep in mind that the people who are feeding me these excuses don't necessarily know that I went through the C & P procedure. I don't know if they would change their tune if they knew this information or not. Typically when people find out about that they say stupid, ignorant things like "you took the easy way out" or "it's easy for you" or some other bull that is totally untrue.

Go ahead. Spill it. Does this ever happen to you?

I wonder . . . if I hadn't been over 100 lbs over weight and only had about 20 - 30 to lose and did so, would I get the same response? Or, is it that it's just so noticeable and people KNOW how hard it is to lose so much weight (no matter which way you chose to save your life) so they want to feel like they can accomplish something too?

This is just something that struck me as funny and odd today. I look back to a year or two ago and wish I would've made myself more accountable when I saw the success of others. Unfortunately, at that point in my life, any expression or desire to succeed in the shadow of others was merely an expression without the passion to follow it up. I thank God every day for bringing me to that point of recognizing the desperation (so to speak) and helping me to realize that I could manage the journey, not without trial, but with love and encouragement and I'm so glad that I listened!

It moved! It moved!!!

2009-02-17T08:27:00.000-08:00

That's RIGHT! The scale moved! YIPEE!!! I've got to say that the fact that the scale moved this morning (even though it was only one pound) was the bright spot in my day. The funny thing is that when I saw that the scale had moved, I was so excited that it didn't even occur to me that I had hit another "milestone" moment. It wasn't until I was going around updating my tickers that it hit me. Yes Sir! I have OFFICIALLY lost 90 lbs! Needless to say, that brightened my day even more.

I must admit, I have worked very, very hard for that pound! I successfully made it to the gym AND through full workouts 3 times last week, not including the Saturday afternoon roller skating, and Sunday afternoon softball tossing. I have also increased my water consumption as well as the protein consumption. Though, I still need to get more of that protein in! That has to be the toughest part of this journey for me! Oh yeah, and the carbs. Time for them to go. I let some bad stuff slip in and now I'm trying to cast those Carb demons out of my life!!

Thank you so much for your support, suggestions, and ideas. It's so much easier to NOT get discouraged when you know that there are people out there that have experienced the same thing and can offer suggestions as far as what they do. I can't tell you how much the "blogging" community contributes to my success! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Now, if I can make it through a torturous day at work, I should have a good evening. I have another session with little Micah, my personal trainer. I'm hoping he'll provide me with some more great tips and give me some good exercises to firm the jiggle. Here's hoping we all have an incredible week!

Maybe I'm crazy?

2009-02-13T15:29:00.001-08:00

No really, that must be the explanation to my most recent trials.

First, I've ventured into the online dating scene. I hate dating. I do, I do. And, sadly, it's not getting any better. Where is that perfect guy? Not "THE" perfect guy, so much, but the "perfect guy for me"? I'm looking and so far, I think he must hate dating as much as I do because he's not come out of hiding yet.

So, I'm doing the online dating thing. For those of you who are not familiar with the way this works, you typically get guided (through various ways) along the lines of communication. Email, questions, short answers, etc. But, you have to express interest first. Most of the time I'll express interest just because you never know who's out there until you really meet them, right? Well, not all of them express interest back. And those that do, basically drop off after the first round of questions. This leads me to my most current question. What in the world am I doing that turns people off before the first meeting (and sometimes before the first real email)? Sure, it's probably best that they weed themselves out because I'm not sure I could handle 10 dates a weekend, but what if one of those was a "good catch"? Then they just swim off down stream without even a chance to meet me. What a shame.

I actually do think it's a little comical, to be completely honest. I am so not into finding the "soul mate" or looking for someone to "complete me", but I'm looking for fun, easy going, exciting people to have a friends and if more blossoms, then great. But if not, then we still can be friends - right? Besides, I don't need a mate to complete ME as a person, but I'd like to have someone to share ME with and I'd share HIM as well. Well, I think I'm quite possibly the only one who thinks that way. A lot of these men are looking for that "soul mate" and if the chemistry isn't there or if I'm not giving them the vibe that I'm going to marry them next week - they like to move on. It's interesting.

What a journey. It's a crazy life, but someone has to live it. And I just had to get that off my chest so you get to read about it and be a part of the craziness too!

How's that for a Valentine's Day story?? :-)
Lots of love to you on this Pre V-day Friday!

A woman on a mission!

2009-02-11T15:08:00.000-08:00

Yes siree! I am on a mission to make this journey work for me!

As I shared yesterday, I had my first "personal training" session with cute little Micah at the In-Shape city. I call him cute, little , Micah because he's probably about 18 - 20 and has NO CLUE what life in the "real world" is like. All he has to worry about is exercise and going home to play with the boys. Ok, I'm being a tad dramatic, but it didn't seem like he had much knowledge about life experience, but he did have some good ideas from a muscular stand point. Sure, it almost killed me, but beauty is pain - right?

I shared with him that I had gastric bypass in May and had lost nearly 90 lbs (yes, I'm still pissed that I don't get to claim that officially yet). He said that he has another post WLSer and he's got him on a diet of 300 grams of protein. REALLY (thoughts of disbelief are running like a rampage in my head)? I don't believe you! AND I DON'T!!!! I struggle with getting 70 grams in and I TRY! So, unless this guy is getting protein intravenously fed into his system, I'm not buying that one. But, little Micah can dream, right? He just wants me to know that he can help a WLSer just as much as anyone. And, I will give him the chance to help me take away the sag and unwanted rolls - as long as he doesn't annoy the snot out of me.

Last night, we started slow -but it still kicked my butt, and abs, and thighs, and quads. We didn't work out for more than 30 minutes, but I seriously had legs of "jello" when we tried to walk down the stairs to leave. Um, I guess just an elliptical/cardio machine isn't enough for me.

So, off I go into a new world of weights and trainers. I'm just hoping and praying I see results before I pass out from over exhaustion and dehydration. I'll definitely have to work on that! Here's to a happy, healthy, hearty and now muscle bound "Heather".

When life gives you lemons, it had better realize that I don't drink lemonade anymore!!!!

2009-02-10T09:12:00.000-08:00

I would love to report that today is a fabulous and happy day, but it's not. Not yet anyway.

Today, I stepped on the Wii Fit for my usual Tuesday morning weigh in. And much to my surprise I was the SAME! No joke. So, is that three weeks now that the scale hasn't moved AT ALL? Not even the .2 lbs that I didn't count last week. Yes, it's true, I'm getting frustrated. I will say that I was offered some great suggestions last week (thanks She & Kim H.) and I have already started them. I am drinking WATER. That's right! Not my "weakened" tea that I typically sip on all day, I've already downed a whole bottle of water this morning. Yeah me! I am also going to be getting real close with some protein supplements and really watching my intake. I just want the scale to move a little. Is that too much to ask? I think not.

Yesterday, I went and signed up for the gym. Again, Yeah me! In fact, in the process, I was offered 3 months free if I paid for personal training sessions (basically worked out to be the same price but I get training out of it). Who doesn't need personal training sessions with a fitness professional? Well, I am not one of those people. I'm actually really excited about it. My personal training starts TONIGHT!!!! So, I'm on my way to getting that scale moving - or at least firming up what I already have in hopes of burning off the jiggle. I'll report back tomorrow and let you know how it went.

My job has become really stressful in the last two months and I fear that this may be contributing to eating issues and the results on the scale. I'm not eating a LOT, but I have reverted to snacking because that's what I've done to alleviate stress in the past. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to NOT eat my emotions and it's starting to be a little bit easier. Let's hope sweating out the aggression at the gym really helps in this area also. I don't want to lose/give up my job, but I can't be unhappy and miserable with my work atmosphere either. Things will have to change.

There's my morning in a nutshell. Let's hope and pray that wonderful things happen today to make this day a success.

Because I'm curious . . .

2009-02-06T14:02:00.000-08:00

My sister sent me a little "random question" note on Facebook and it sparked my interest. Sure, some of the questions were silly and simple, but fun. It made me think about how many questions I have in my head that I am truly curious to ask others about and I just never ask. So, I decided to post up a random question survey on my blog and see if anyone answers it. It may seem silly but trust me, I really do want to know what you think. We can treat this like a "tag" situation also. So, you can copy the questions and (if you feel comfortable sharing) post them on your blog for my pleasure (and that of many others, I'm sure).

Here are my questions (and answers):

1.) What is the most off the wall or funny excuse that you’ve ever heard?
A: Just this morning the teacher at the daycare was late and I'm sure she could tell I was frustrated by her tardiness so she tried to make conversation by asking, "Was it hailing for you?" Trying to make it seem like the hail is what made her late. I said, "No, is it hailing here? I live across the street"

2.) Do you dance like crazy when no one is looking?
A: Are you kidding? I dance around like a kid with his first sparkler!

3.) What do you do when you know the person in the next car is looking at you?
A: I actually start laughing and act like I'm having a great conversation even if I'm all by myself. I'm a goofball!

4.) What (seemingly) popular word or phrase drives you crazy or makes you cringe??
A: LOL - not so much the written text, but when people actually SAY "L O L"???? What is that all about?

5.) Did you have a favorite toy/item when you were a kid?
A: Yep. The kitchen! And boy did I make messes!

6.) Do you prefer card games or board games? What’s your all-time favorite?
A: I'd have to say cards (though I like all sorts of board games). My favorite would have to be Canasta (it was my first card love).

7.) When you are alone what do you most enjoy doing?
A: Being alone!!!! It happens rarely. I actually enjoy baking when I'm alone. Then, of course, it gives me a reason not to be alone because I'll typically take the dish somewhere to be shared!

8.) What is the first thing you do when you get up every morning?
A: I get a pair of underwear out of my drawer (practically in my sleep) and stumble to the bathroom.

9.) What topics of conversation make you most uncomfortable?
A: Politics/Religion - when someone thinks/knows they are right and can't accept differing opinions. That's irritating. We all have an opinion and we don't have to accept others as our own, but we do have to respect that others don't see things exactly as we expect them to. Right?

10.) What is the most rewarding experience you’ve ever had?
A: I must say having a child having a child tops my list but the process of the WLS and finding myself in this last 9 months comes in a close second.

How would you answer??

Not your typical Friday . . .

2009-02-06T10:33:00.000-08:00

I typically like to update my successes on Friday. Today, I'm sad to report that I don't feel the successes right now. I'm just in a bit of a funk today. It's been a very tough week but a decent week at the same time.

I have been dealing with issues of snacking. I don't think I'm truly hungry, but my body/brain is telling me that I am. I have this insatiable feeling that I have to fill and then I'll take a few bites of something (sometimes a little bit more) and it's NOT what I want. But the problem is that the feeling comes back just a little while later. I found myself going CRAZY on Wednesday. It was as if I couldn't stop and I couldn't figure it out. Then, I realized, I was eating/craving/wanting out of stress. I wanted something to take away the feelings I was dealing with and in the past food was my friend and would make it all go away (if only for a short while). But now, I don't have that! I need to stop feeding my feelings and acting like I don't have to solve the problem. I DO have to solve the problem. This is a new task and challenge for me and I will face it fully.

The good news is that this behavior didn't carry over to Thursday and I haven't had these feelings today either. Maybe it was just the frustration of the job/co-workers? Stress of disappointment due to the non-moving scale? Fear that I've hit the stopping point of weight loss before I'm ready. Whatever it was/or is, it needs to be faced and dealt with. That is my intention. I will look this demon in the face and punch it's lights out!

I've also decided that I need a "picture" or a vision of what I'm working toward. Unfortunately, I've never been there, so I don't know what the vision will be like. I'm already so much farther than I thought I would be. I don't even recognize myself. But I want to not recognize myself more. I just need to be able to see it. This is another thing I will be working towards. I'll have to get really creative on this one.

On the happier side of things, I've got a few things to look forward to (I'm with Laurie, I like bullets too):

I'm going to be checking in with the local gym in the next week or so. This should help me on so many levels - and my son is excited about going too.
I have a date tomorrow afternoon with a doctor! Yep, I'm a little intimidated, but excited at the same time.
I've got a few celebrations this month and I'm looking forward to February being a healthier and better month than January.
I've got to take some pictures! As of February 22, it's been 9 months since my ride began!

So, when the funk subsides, I've got some serious things to focus on! Time to dance it all away! Care to join me?

I've been tagged . . .

2009-02-04T12:42:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged on one of my favorite blogs, http://gastric-girl.blogspot.com/ to do this lovely little quiz...
For this one, the rules are simple - list 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep! Then tag 7 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap Award.
So here goes...
10 Honest Things about Me

1) I still hate shopping even though I'm able to go almost anywhere (that is NOT a "fat lady" store) and find something that will fit me. I so want to have more clothes to wear and be flattered by, but I just HATE shopping so much that I will deal with my 2 pair of jeans and 2 pair of dress pants until I can overcome this hate/phobia.

2) There are so many blogs that I read faithfully and get something out of that I get sad if the bloggers don't post every day because then I feel like I'm missing out on something. It's crazy, I know. I wish that my blogger friends lived close to me so we could be "real" friends. I am so inspired by all of you!

3) I have to overcome a certain sadness about the fact that I can't drink Dr. Pepper anymore. I was truly addicted to Dr. Pepper and now I can't handle any carbonation at all. It's sad.

4) There is a huge part of me that would love to be able to "work from home" and there's another part of me that is afraid that if I did have a job that I could do "from home" I wouldn't be happy with that either.

5) I want to start dating (so I think) but I have such a hard time with the awkwardness of initial meetings that I'm not successful at dating at all. How do you meet someone that you don't have to feel awkward around? Dating sucks!

6) I want to have plastic surgery to remove my excess skin and lift the boobs that used to be there, but I feel like I have to decide if I want more kids first. The problem is, how do you feel sexy and find the guy to marry and have kids when you've got saggy skin and boobs? Then, if I did get plastics and decide to have another child is all that money, pain, surgery wasted?? What a dilemma!

7) I sold my Eliptical machine to my sister yesterday. Now, I have to join a gym so I can get some weight training in. Too bad I don't have the money yet. So, I just gave myself another reason not to workout.

8) I have recently (in the last two months) joined two dating websites and I check them constantly to see if anyone has expressed interest but I'm not very quick to respond when they do. Can we say "sabotage"?

9) I think both of my sisters are beautiful and I don't tell them enough. I think it's strange that they are in the same dating/meeting people predicament as I am. How does that happen?

10) I laugh hysterically when someone trips, walks into things, or falls. Of course, I want to make sure they are ok. I don't know why this is so funny to me, but it is.

Now here's the part where I tag others:

Sheila

Cathy (Mom)

Michele

Gary (Dad)

Teresa

Tracey

The Lurker (or anyone else who'd like to join in).

I can't wait to see what you have to say!

Happy day to you all!

It's real . . . my weigh in story!

2009-02-03T08:36:00.000-08:00

This morning was Wii Fit weigh in day. In all honesty, I didn't want to get on the scale at all. I think this is the FIRST time that I've had that feeling in almost 9 months. But I had it. I had this feeling because I knew that it was not going to be down. It's funny because I think that I can "feel" when my body is changing and my weight is shifting, but right now, my body isn't doing anything. Sure, I feel like I've been hungry more often. I feel like I have been eating/snacking a lot more and that all has to change. But I can tell that my body isn't going anywhere - even with the additional exercise and motivation.

So, the verdict was . . . I had lost .2 pounds. I don't even count that. I only count a loss if it is a half or more. So, when I've lost .7 - it still only counts as .5. I know, it's crazy, but that's just how I work. So, I am technically the same. 180. I so want to be in the 170s. I really want to be 175 because that's something that I've looked to as being a good number. But my body is apparently not in agreement with my head about that.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining about the fact that I am the smallest I've ever been in my life. I'm just sad that it's stopping and I'm afraid that I won't be making my goal at this rate. So, I will just try harder. Focus more on what is going into my mouth and make sure that I'm making the right choices. Can it really decide to stop so soon? I won't sit back and let that happen - without a fight at least!

So, I have decided to sell my elliptical machine to my sister and join a gym. What she'll give me for the machine will just about cover a year worth of gym fees. I had decided that the cardio alone will not be working anymore. I need to get some muscle tone and I'll need to be lifting and using weights in order to make this happen. So, I'm biting the bullet, and I'm making a decision to get my gym membership. The good thing is that my son will LOVE going to the gym! Of course, we won't be going to Foster's Freeze for ice cream afterward (like we used to) but I'm sure he'll love the interaction just as much as I do!

The good news is that there's a support group meeting tonight at my surgeons office. Coming together with people that have "been there, done that" can be really encouraging. I'm sure this will pick up my spirits and show me that I can do this!!!

That's the update for the day. I really hope I will get to report some good news on the scale front soon. I feel like it's been much too long since I've reported something significant. Someday . . . .

25 Things about me!

2009-01-31T15:48:00.000-08:00

On my "Facebook" account I was tagged with a challenge to list 25 things about me. I don't always like to share everything about my WLS experiences with everyone so I kept most of those points out of my response. So, I thought I would use this post to explore the 25 things that come to my mind about where I really am and where I am going. It's actually a fun exercise, maybe you should try it too.
These are in no particular order, so here I go!

1. I am healthier today that I have been all my life.
2. I have lost 89 pounds
3. I am 20 pounds away from my goal
4. I enjoy exercising, probably because it doesn't hurt like it used to.
5. I want to work out with weights but I am afraid to join a gym because I'm afraid I won't go (that's what's happened in the past).
6. In an effort to not sound like Susan Powter - my legs don't touch anymore. That has never happened to me before.
7. My son says I should be on "The Biggest Loser" so he's going to get me the Wii Fit Jillian game instead.
8. I still try to eat things that I'm not supposed to and know I shouldn't. Sometimes I get sick, sometimes I don't.
9. I wish I could control my "head hunger".
10. I am afraid that the weight loss will stop before I'm ready for it to be over.
11. When I look in the mirror, I still see the "old" Heather.
12. I so want to buy new clothes and shoes but I don't have the money and I'm afraid to settle into a certain size when I know that I've still got 20 pounds to lose.
13. Even though my goal is to weigh 160 lbs, I still want to know what it's like to weigh 150.
14. I sometimes see pictures of myself (today) and I don't even recognize me.
15. I feel better about myself than I have in 8 years.
16. I sometimes am still afraid that I won't fit in the seats at the movie theater and am completely shocked when the arms don't even touch me!
17. I cross my legs all of the time (even when my legs fall asleep)- because I couldn't do that before.
18. I want to be more social.
19. I don't "love" going grocery shopping anymore because I can't eat all of the food that I "think" I can.
20. I still convince people to get more food than they should because I think I'll be eating more thank I really can.
21. I want to go to a clothing store and take pictures of me trying on all sorts of clothes that I wouldn't have normally worn just to see what they would look like.
22. I want to buy a sexy red dress and wear it out for a night on the town, just for fun.
23. I hate that I have "bat wings" but I love that my arms are getting smaller.
24. I am losing my "chest" and it makes me want to have plastic surgery.
25. I am excited about finding my "new" self!

Thanks! I needed that! :-)

The land of frogs and Princes

2009-01-30T13:18:00.000-08:00

That's right! I'm talking about dating, again!

I got a call from a friend of mine the other night and he let me know he's ventured into the land of online dating. Is it really a bad place? Maybe. Anyway, it got me thinking about my current situation, including my whole dis-like for the dating world. He chose to go with a different online company than I did, and I thought maybe I should explore more options as well. So, yesterday, I did just that. I checked out the site - http://www.chemistry.com/. Fortunately for me, they were offering a "free" trial period. I have already been matched up with around 10 people. Sure, most of them won't stick, but some actually appear appealing. Apparently this is a division of Match.com but they have some scientific/personality way of matching people up. We'll see how well this works for us.

Anyway, this whole thing brought on a new question. What is your body type? What is any body's body type. I know that in the past I've never wanted to share this, but in an effort to be honest, I always picked the "more to love" option (could be more than a 5 year old, could be more than a sumo wrestler - beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right?). I hate the idea of "big and beautiful" because when I'm big - I'm not beautiful to me so I can't imagine I'd be beautiful to anyone else either (yes, self-image issues are all over the place with me). Now, I'm nearly 90 pounds less than my former self and I still don't know what my body type would be. We are given options like; "average", "stocky", "full-figured", "athletic", "curvy", "a few extra pounds" and a couple of others. My question is . . . according to whom? Is this based on my idea of average? Is it based on what really is average? What is a "few extra pounds"? Would that be the 20 that I have left over or are we talking 10 extra or 50 extra? Couldn't someone be athletic and still be over 200lbs? Would that give the wrong message to someone else even if it were true? These types/titles seem so ambiguous that I'm not sure anyone would be able to answer these correctly. Does it really matter? So, how do you weed out the superficial blokes and get to the bottom of compatibility/companionship/someone to have a good time with? Am I just disliking this because I've been faced with this problem all of my life and I'm trying to find another excuse to fail in the dating world?

I'm feeling better about myself and about my health. I'm ready to get out and meet people, have a good time, and experience the life I've been hiding from. Maybe I'm going about this dating/socializing thing all wrong. What would you do?

Speak it and it happens!

2009-01-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

Again with the drama! So, after my post from yesterday, I have been able to remember vitamins today, my son's share day toy, and even to call a someone that I have been accidentally avoiding. Is that all it takes? Just write about my frustration with the memory and then it comes back? I even forgot to set an alarm on my phone to remind me, but I remembered anyway. Impressive!

This week is going pretty well. I'm a little bit behind on my goals for the week but I still have today, tomorrow, and Sunday! I've knocked out one elliptical session on Wednesday(another scheduled for tonight and then the 3rd for tomorrow) and 2 WiiFit sessions (yeah! One accomplishment down)! All this with a sick kid and a mid-week trip out of town to see a friend. I think I'm doing ok.

Do you think they took a part of my brain too?

2009-01-29T10:13:00.000-08:00

I can't help but notice that I've been incredibly forgetful lately. Could it be surgery related? Ok, Ok, I'm being a little bit dramatic, but I don't remember being this forgetful pre-WLS.

Last week, I ran out of the vitamins that I keep at the office. I keep them here so I won't have to remember to bring them daily (not that I could remember). So, last Friday I tried to give myself a mental reminder to bring another bottle so I'll be vitamined through out the day. It's now THURSDAY and I still can't remember to bring them. Sure, I think about it EVERY DAY and yet, I leave the house vitaminless. It's not that big of a problem, but I then have to remember to take them when I get home so I am not deficient. It's just an annoyance.

It's not only vitamins. My Mom tried to get me to sign up for our cruise's "Fun Pass" about 3 times and I kept forgetting (as if she had never mentioned it at all). I finally got it all completed. Now, I just hope I don't forget that we're going on a cruise! That would be bad.

I can't be the only one that has memory problems, right? Is it just that I've hit "that age"? Could it really be something that happened since surgery? Will I get it back? What's that memory drug that's supposed to help? It's a bit frustrating.

On a good note, I hit the elliptical last night and WORKED MY TAIL OFF!!! It felt good, naturally, but it took getting over the sweat pouring down my body. Boy, did I sleep well last night!!! Two more sessions to go to make this a successful week. I'm on my way!

Is it time? A weigh in update.

2009-01-27T08:16:00.000-08:00

It's Tuesday and that means I stepped on the Wii Fit this morning to have my weekly weigh in update. There I stood, not meeting my goal of losing 2 lbs in 2 weeks. Sad was I. The good news is that I am at 180. Not 180.5, not 180.25, but 180. So, this means, that if I lose ANYTHING at all I will be in the 170s - which is territory never seen since my days in elementary school. Can you believe that?

So, I'm not going to lie, I was disappointed. I had made some positive changes last week by exercising and even bringing back the protein shakes into my diet (something I've let slip that I shouldn't have). I'm not saying that I'm not happy about where I am, but I'd just be a little happier to see changes. I'm not ready for it all to stop as it does for so many people. I have goals, I have things I need to achieve and I need to be reinforced (see progress) to get me there. I will keep on and push through. I will succeed.

This week, I plan to kick up the exercise. I will be on the elliptical at least 3 times this week(for intentional exercise) and I will get on the Wii Fit for at least two exercise sessions. I will consume a protein shake after my workout to get the required amount of protein in. And I will have a positive attitude about it all.

Here's to getting to the 170s!!!

We have success . . .

2009-01-23T12:28:00.000-08:00

Well, at least a little. This week I have successfully completed 2 elliptical workouts and one Wii Fit workout. Yes, that's still a little light, but it does give me something to work towards.

Yesterday, there was a big part of me that wanted to get on the elliptical again, but there was a bigger, more emotional, part of me that decided to take a rest. So, I took my (soon to be 6 year old) son to Target to pick out some Birthday wishes for himself. It was good for us. It felt like quality time even though we were looking at things. It was a good moment to share.

I will say, with the added exercise, I'm getting more of the "old" habits and ideas creeping in. I have been wanting to snack and eat all day long. Not that I'm hungry. Sure, there's some "head" hunger in there, but I don't believe that I'm really hungry. I'll want/crave something and think I need it SO bad, then I'll get it, take a bit or so and I'm really over it. But then, something else creeps in and I'll cave, but that doesn't do it either. I'm going to have to do some more journaling about my inner self to really see where these issues are coming from.

Fortunately, we'll have a busy weekend with a small Birthday gathering and some good family time that will take my mind off of my emotional issues. I also want to get more exercise in because I know that exercise typically helps my emotional state of mind. Let's hope this weekend proves to be a good one and pulls me out of my funk.

I've got to be in good spirits to celebrate my little muffin's birthday! Where were you 6 years ago Sunday? I was thanking God for my beautiful little muffin! :-)

So, I'm a little late

2009-01-22T07:55:00.000-08:00

It has been a crazy week! I've been in training (at work) all week and have had absolutely NO time to even think, let alone writing about the trials and tribulations of my world. Ok, Ok, so I'm being a little bit dramatic, but it has been a little bit on the crazy side.

So, since I didn't post the successes of last week, I'll post those now. I was excited that after my post of motivation, I actually did something about it. I've been exercising! Yes, sir! Last week I met up with my Wii Fit trainer again and had some fun. Then, over the weekend, I moved that lovely little elliptical trainer into my room. Sure, it's quite a tight fit, but I figured that if I saw it in there taking up so much space that I'd get myself on it! Sure enough, it worked!!! I've been doing 30 minute stints on the Elliptical and feeling pretty good about it!

Don't get me wrong, there's still an inner struggle. I'll get on the machine and set it for 30 minutes. At about 5 minutes into the session, I'm convincing myself that 15 minutes will do, then I try to justify that I did 30 minutes yesterday and maybe I only need 20 today, or I'll do 20 now and then do something later. Fortunately, I've hit the 20 minute mark and thought to myself, "this isn't that bad, stop being such a baby" and I continue on to complete the full 30 minute workout. I hate that I have those lazy demons in my head, but they are there. I just have to ward them off with more exercise! Right?? Just wait until I start moving it up to 45 minutes, then an hour - what in the world will they do then???

Now, for the weigh in update, I got on the Wii Fit for my weekly weigh in and body test. I'm glad to report that my Wii Fit age is staying consistently under 30. That's PRETTY amazing, if you asked me. So, maybe there is something of validity in the Wii Fit process? The scale was also reporting a 1 pound loss. I'm not gonna lie, I was a little disappointed. I've lost a mere 3 pounds in the last 4 weeks. I know that my body is trying to catch up. I know that things have to slow down. I'm just not ready. So, I'm combating that with exercise and protein shakes. Let's see how next week's weigh in pans out. Right? I'm not giving up yet!!!

It's been a crazy busy week, but I'm looking forward to it getting better.

When it all comes to a halt . . .

2009-01-15T12:38:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been motivated and dedicated to doing something and all of a sudden, it comes to a sudden halt? That's what my day is like. I got to work and have been incredibly motivated and diligent about doing the things that need to get done. I've been making some serious mistakes lately and it's so hard for me to rectify these errors, but today, I was determined to do this. Even though it means that I might get chewed out. I might get reprimanded. I may even have to pay for the penalties, but yet, I let them happen. I'm a little bit disgusted with myself, so I came in today and have been on a path like no other to make things right. Until about lunch time. That's when it all stopped!

I knew I didn't have lunch plans for today so I decided to heat up a frozen item that I had in the freezer here at work along with a few chips I have at my desk to make a meal. Yeah me, right? Dedicated and focused. Well, once I ate, I just didn't feel good. Maybe a bagel dog is not the best option for a post-op-er? Well, now, I can't seem to get myself back into focus and there's still a TON of stuff to be done. Now what do I do?

Well, I answered that question with, "blog about it" of course! I thought that getting this all off my chest would make everything ok. Unfortunately, blogging has NOTHING to do with this icky feeling in my surgically altered state of a stomach. Ewww! Note to self: NO MORE BAGEL DOGS. I, of course, didn't even eat the whole thing. Maybe I should reconsider this as a lunch for my son (who LOVES the bagel dogs).

Other that that, things seem to be going well. I've actually gotten a lot of stuff done at work today. I've taken all of my vitamins (which is more habit now and rarely miss them anymore). I've consumed a LOT of water - which is a huge stretch for me. I used to drink water all of the time. It was easy. But since surgery, I struggle with water. I drink as much as I can and then by around noon time I'm bored with just water so I make iced tea which is a whole lot more fun. But today, I've had a lot of water - and now, I'm on to the tea! :-)

So, enough of the ramblings. I think I'm back to being focused and hopefully on my way to feeling better. I look forward to checking in tomorrow to review all of the successes of my week!

Weigh ins and rewards

2009-01-13T11:50:00.000-08:00

Is it Tuesday already? That's exactly what I thought as I was so rudely awakened by my alarm clock. Yep! It sure is and we all know what that means (for me) . . . weigh in day. The day that I get to check and track my progress. Today, I was down 1 pound (currently weighing in at 181.5 - and in a size 12). I'm happy about that pound, but I will say that I miss the weigh ins of December where I was down at least 2 pounds every week (or so it felt). I'd like another big loss, but for now, I will just focus on the task at hand. Being healthy, happy, vitamin taking, exercising, protein counting Me!

So, the idea that I'm getting closer to goals that I have set has got me thinking. I don't have any rewards established! Sure, I have set the goals - most of them have been long term - but now I'm getting closer and closer and I don't know how I'm going to celebrate or reward the time, effort, hard work, and excitement of these milestones. Years ago, when I had decided to change my life and lose weight, I had my sights set on a Tiffany ring. I was going to buy myself this fabulous Tiffany ring as a symbol of my accomplishment. My accomplishment was to get to 185 pounds (I had started at 235) and that would've been the lowest weight I had ever been. I was so excited about this ring and so motivated that I just COULDN'T wait to get there and I couldn't give up! It was such a great reward and a constant reminder of my accomplishment and my attainment of my personal goal. I FINALLY got to break out the ring again a month or so ago and it still reminds me (daily) of that time in my life, the feeling of accomplishment and that dedication.

How do people typically celebrate these things? Sure, I could say that I'll go out and buy a new wardrobe, but that's certainly not realistic (I'm not certain of my final size). I could say that I'll get a massage, pedicure, etc. but does that truly reward the accomplishment or just make me feel pretty? So, I need some ideas. Has anyone out there set goals and rewards for themselves? What did you do? Do you mind sharing?

I want to know what I'm working towards. I want to know what the reward is. I want to KNOW that I can get there. I want to be excited and driven by the thought of the reward. I want to be constantly reminded by it. So, what would you do?

What a WOW weekend!

2009-01-12T09:59:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's true. I had a major turning point/"wow" moment this weekend! I actually had quite a weekend of realizations and coming to terms with "me" that made for a very freeing experience. I've been battling with some of my thoughts and emotions for a little while. This weekend I came to the realization that I had set my sights on something that may not be the best thing for me. The good part about this is that I'm ok with this decision. When I came to terms with this realization, I experienced a sort of freedom, confidence, and understanding that there's more out there for me and I am ready to move on. Sure, it could've been a sad moment, but that's not what I wanted it to be, therefore, it wasn't. It was great! I felt like I had a new clarity, I had turned a new leaf, and I was excited about the other leaves I was going to get to turn over!

So, the real "WOW" moment came when I decided that I needed a new pair of jeans. I had decided that I was going to go to a club to watch a friend of mine break out his stand-up routine. Well, I certainly couldn't go in what I had, so I had to borrow a cute shirt and I thought I'd go out and get a pair of jeans that fit me so I'd look good for this occasion.

I decided to go to Kohl's because I know that they have Levi's and those typically look decent on me. So, I went in and gathered up about 7 different styles of Levi's (529, 505, 548, etc.) in a size 14, feeling pretty confident that they would fit. Well, as I was walking away, I saw a size 12 and I thought to myself, "I'm gonna grab this just to see how far I am away from fitting in them". Let's keep in mind, I've never (in my adult life) been a size 12. Maybe 5th grade or so, but definitely not since the teen years. So, even though I thought it was laughable, I brought them with me.

I get to the dressing room and I figured that if I'm going to be depressed by the size 12 then I may as well put them on first so I know how much work I have to put in to get them on. So, I did! Much to my surprise, they came all the way up. Yep! And then, the even bigger surprise was that they buttoned AND zipped without my even sucking in my gut. NO WAY! Are you serious? These must have been miss labeled. A 12???? REALLY??? I almost cried! My poor little 5 year old had no idea what to think of me. I asked him if they looked good and he said, "ummm, I'm going to say YES!" It was cute. It was sweet. And he was just as excited for me as I was. So, I said, "What do I do now? All I brought in were size 14s and these 12s." Jacob so kindly said, "I'll go get you 12s Mom. I think that's what you'll need". What a great kid! So we ventured out and got about 4 styles in the 12s and I walked out with 2 pair of the size 12 Levis and a huge grin on my face. Sure, the grin was mostly in dis-belief, but boy was I grinning! I still don't think they look like size 12 nor do I think I look like I should fit in a size 12, but I'm certainly NOT taking them back!!! :-)

The great thing about this weekend is that I have a new motivation. I am being rewarded for the trials and the hard times I've been dealing with and it's really making me want to work harder and do more. I'm excited to see what else there is in store. What is next? Bring on the WOW moments!!!!!

Success of the year (so far at least) . . .

2009-01-09T11:08:00.000-08:00

Yes, there has been success so far this year and I'm happy to share about it!

First, I said I was going to get back on the Wii Fit and I did! I got on this morning for not only a body test, but a few exercises also! I should've stayed on a lot longer, but I was short on time and vowed to hit it up again soon (if not tonight).

Second, I got back into the kitchen this week and have been playing with yummy (and healthy) recipes. Of course, the 5 minute WLS lemon cake I wanted so badly came out so badly so I'll have to attempt that one again with a few revisions. But I've got some plans to do more tonight. Cooking/playing in the kitchen is really therapeutic for me and I'm sad that I don't do more. AT the same time, I hate having leftovers that I can't eat and no one else likes to try. So, I'll do my best to find a happy medium, or a great way to save the good stuff.

Third, I went on a rampage last night. Sadly, I didn't finish any of the four projects I started, but they were started AND will be finished this weekend. One of those projects (along with the Christmas tree tear down and the cleaning up of the little one's room) was cleaning out my closet. I had 4 full garbage bags worth of clothes that I will not be wearing again. I had NO idea that I had so many clothes - mostly because I never fit into them or planned to and passed them up. In fact, there was one pair of navy green (if that's even a color) pants that I was so excited about fitting back into. They were my favorite pants years ago when I was at my (then) lowest weight ever. Well, I tried them on and they were too big! I missed the window! So, they are getting donated to someone that will hopefully get as much enjoyment out of them as I once did (YEARS ago).

Last, I'm back to feeling more positive. I even went back to one of my old past time actions (that I hadn't done in a while) and sent out some little packages to friends just because they were on my mind. They aren't expecting it, and I'm excited (and hoping) that it'll put a smile on their face just to know they are cared for.

I know that I can make the changes I need to and be dedicated to the improvement of me. I'm looking forward to seeing who I can become knowing that I can get better and be better every day!

Is it really happening?

2009-01-08T14:09:00.000-08:00

I think I'm losing a bit of motivation. Maybe I'm just tired? Things haven't been going "my" way completely and I just don't like that. A lot of things have suffered since I've been experiencing this exhaustion and I've just let them slip. This is probably something that's not helping my emotional health either. I haven't been on the Wii Fit (except to weigh and do a body test once a week) in way too long. I miss it. But I don't want to get up in the mornings and I don't want to do much after work, but I have to get my booty in shape. What in the world is stopping me? I have an elliptical trainer in the garage that doesn't hate me anymore (thanks to my shedding of 86 lbs), but I'm not getting on that either. It's a new year. It's supposed to be a good year. Why is it starting off so darn tough?

So, what am I going to do about it? I'm going to make a change! I'm going to start doing things even though I don't want to so that I will want to soon (knowing that I feel so much better when I'm doing them). I think this will also help me to keep my self in check and focused. Because I haven't been exercising, I've had more time to obsess about things. That is NEVER a good thing. So, with the extra time and effort I'll put into the exercise, the less time I'll have to obsess. That has to be a good thing, right?

So, the Wii Fit and I will begin dating again. I miss the poor little trainer and I'm certain that the trainer misses me - right? Hey, I may even start dating the elliptical machine again too (boy, do I get around). That greasy hunk of metal gets my heart pounding and my sweat flowing every time. Sure, it's not always going to do for me (I need some knee-knocking too), but I'll take what I can get until my warm and cuddly exercise partner comes around/along!

I'm ready to focus more. I'm ready to obsess less. And I'm ready to look and feel great! Wii can do this! :-)

On a better note . . .

2009-01-07T08:59:00.000-08:00

I don't like having to experience sadness. I don't like having to write about it. But, at the same time, it was therapeutic for me. I did get things off of my chest and it did make me feel better. I even posted a "positive" blog on MySpace in hopes of getting back to a place of happiness for myself. And, sure enough, it worked. YEAH!

So, I am better today. I have resolved to be better today. I had put all of my "eggs" into one basket and they were starting to break. So, now, I'm going to allow myself to slowly redistribute the eggs and not worry about them. Sounds great and like a good idea, but we all know how that works, right?

Another good thing that happened today was that I read a blog (http://bigcitygirl.blogspot.com/) that really spoke to me. I know the blog writer wasn't intending to speak to me, she was sharing about herself but BOY did it get me. She said some pretty amazing things about the fact that her "inner voice" is trying to protect her. I believe that my inner voice is having the same effect on me. Trying to prevent the hurt before I get to experience the greatness. I need to work on that and I need to know that I am worth bigger and better things. It's just the process of getting there that takes so much work!

So, I'm determined to have a better day. I'm looking forward to greatness (whether it's today, tomorrow, or 10 years from now). I know that I am worth it and I'm striving to believe it!

And then there was sadness . . .

2009-01-06T18:52:00.001-08:00

Have you ever had to face an unknown sadness? I thought things were going well for me. I hate to be in a bad mood but I really hate to deal with sadness. I keep thinking that I'm doing a great job at keeping a positive attitude, I've felt good but I guess the sadness has to be expressed from time to time. So, I decided to get into a little bit of "self" therapy and write about it in hopes that I can solve some issues through a little bit of venting. I want to be positive and I want to know that things in my world will get better but all of a sudden, I'm overcome with a great deal of sadness but why?

Maybe the sadness was provoked by my dream world (aka "fantasy land") hitting reality and not going as planned? Maybe it was brought on by the realization that my life isn't really going the way that I had thought it was destined to go? Could it be that I thought I knew what I wanted in a career and I was mistaken? I believe I may have been fooling myself in so many ways. That makes me sad. But what is the one that triggered the sadness? I also wonder if what I'm looking for or holding out for is really out there? I thought I was feeling more secure and sure of myself, but when I get into a position where my feelings are at risk, I freak out and don't know how to deal with it? Is it because I want to hold on to the idea of something that I think will be everything I want and more? Am I truly being unrealistic? Am I living in a dream? Is it because I know (deep down) that I'm scared to death because I have too much to lose and I'm almost willing to sacrifice it? How do you deal with something like this?

Here's the problem in my current world of sadness . . . it makes me question myself. I am questioning who I am, what I am doing, what I really want out of my life, why I'm so affected by these things and what in the world I'm going to do about it all now. I was so wrong when I thought that my emotional issues were going to go away with all of this extra weight and baggage. I guess I was wrong.

So, here's what I'm going to do about it. I'm going to let it go. Do we all know how hard it is to be powerless in a situation? Well, when you're lacking power, what do you do? You either take matters into your own hands, become violent and wreak the situation anyway or you walk away and know that if things were meant to work out a certain way, they would. Who am I to think that I can make things happen the way I want to? Who am I to think that I can be upset when things don't go my way? I am no one. It's time for me to let go.

I guess it's a good thing I have a (long overdue) counseling session tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll get some much needed guidance or direction.

A weigh in "first"!

2009-01-06T08:40:00.000-08:00

For the first time in my short "weigh in" accountability history, the Wii Fit/scale didn't move an ounce from last week. SERIOUSLY, the scale said I had lost 0.0. Does this really happen? In a whole week? I will say, this is better than gaining - right?

When I put it all into perspective, it's incredibly fair that I haven't dropped any weight. The good news is that I'm not sad about it. December was a big month for me. I had dropped a lot, I had been very active, I had forgotten to eat several times. Well, after Christmas, that all stopped. We had several days to do NOTHING but play video games, sit around with family and friends, and just be lazy. I haven't been lazy like that in a while. It was nice, but now it's time to get back to the grind!

I will say, there was a part of me that thought/thinks that this is where it all stops. I've never been this low (weight wise) in my entire adult life. I am flabbergasted. I'm excited to be here, but I also fear that this will be it. Fortunately, that fear is only in a small portion of my though process and I'm going to work really hard to overcome this idea. Now the goal is to just get off my butt and make it happen!

Who'd have thought?

2009-01-05T15:28:00.000-08:00

Did you really ever think that you'd make it to 2009? I'm not talking about last week, but I'm talking about years ago when even making it to the year 2000 was a ghastly idea. Well, here we are! Alive and kicking - right? Sure, some of us might be alive with the screaming & kicking, but we're alive none the less!

I'm sure we've all taken a moment to reflect on what the last year held and then plan our triumphs for the year ahead. Maybe this year we can get even closer to the things that we really want for ourselves? I think my most current issue is allowing myself to know that I'm worth it. So, this year, I'll be working on me. Working on knowing that I am worth those special things. I'll be working on letting myself act on those things. I'll be working on feeling better, physically and emotionally (and financially). I need to know that I can be all of the things that I want to be. I need to know that it's out there for me and it's ok to want it and it's especially ok to get it when I do want it. I want to be more this year than I have in the past. And I'm actually excited about it!

It's strange to think that this time last year I was plotting the diet I was going to use to get to a healthy me knowing that I wouldn't be able to do it. I planned out all of the goals that (in my head) I knew I couldn't achieve - or so I thought. But I set them anyway. Much to my surprise, through a different approach, I've now made it to some of them. Sure, I may not have the financial stability that I had set out for, or the cleanest car on the block (like I wanted), but I have achieved a goal of health. I've achieved my goal of a better emotional well being and I've achieved my goal of being me (even though I'm still accepting that).

It's been a tough, exhausting, experimental year, but in retrospect, I am glad to have found all that I have. I'm also glad that I'm able to appreciate the transition and the struggle with a positive attitude. I'm grateful for the experience of 2008. I'm so looking forward to the new experiences that 2009 will bring!

Happy New Year!

The last weigh in of 2008!

2008-12-30T13:47:00.000-08:00

And it was a success! So, I know that I didn't say much about it, but November was a very slow weight loss month. The good thing is that December was just the opposite! I'm down a total of 86.5 as of today! I am officially at the lowest weight I've ever been in my adult life. The last time I was 185 was 8 years ago and I had worked very hard to get there by losing 40 pounds. This time, I worked very hard to get there but it took me double the loss!

I actually had a thought on my way to work yesterday that brought me to tears. I started thinking about how far I've come in the last 7 months, not just with the weight loss but with the emotional changes, physical changes, energy changes and more and I couldn't help but look back. I sort of relived what I felt that 7 + months ago and it hurt. But what hurt even more was the fact that I had let it get there. I was unhappy, unmotivated, overly emotional and acting like I wasn't bothered by it. But the truth of the matter is that I WAS (and still am) bothered by the these issues and that I thought it was ok to hide behind all of that. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to act like I don't have problems. I do (and so do you, I'm sure)! And now I want to face those problems and obstacles with the same confidence that I am finding that I'm able to face my weight issues with. I am onto something here and it took me the pain of hitting "rock bottom" to find it.

I am excited (for the first time in years) about the new year and about all of the things that this new year could potentially offer. I'm ready to set out and find all of the things I've been missing because I couldn't see them past my own insecurities. I am confident that this will be the first of many "good" years!

It's a crazy December!

2008-12-23T13:37:00.000-08:00

My December has been far from the mellow months I typically have (or so I think). This month has been crazy. Between the trips out of town, the Christmas parties to plan, the friends to see and hug on, and Christmas itself! This has been pretty wild, but so well worth it!

Today is weigh in day. I haven't been weighing at all between Tuesdays and this leads to great surprise when I actually get on the scale. I was down another 4 lbs today. Sure, I'm pretty certain that this has something to do with my crazy weekend. I ran around like mad and (for the first time in my life) forgot to eat or forgot that I should be hungry because there were so many other things to do.

I have so much to say right now, but I just don't have the time or the thought process to jot it down. I'm finding myself quite scattered these days. I certainly hope this slows down (quickly)!

I hope everyone is in for a fabulous Christmas celebration. I look forward to hearing all of the stories and seeing pictures!

Sleepless nights and weigh ins!

2008-12-16T07:59:00.000-08:00

I wish I could start this out with a happy, "Good morning" message, but unfortunately, that's not going my way today. I am trying to be positive, I promise, but there are a bunch of things that are getting me down today.

First of all, I woke up (AGAIN) at 2:39am with my lovely new friend I like to call insomnia! It's strange that it's almost always that exact time - 2:39am. Not 2:38, not 2:45, but 2:39am. I don't really get it. This morning I thought I was going to go right back to sleep because I have been so exhausted. Boy, was I wrong. It was a tough night - but I made it. I should sleep REALLY well tonight!

Next, I got into work and other people that are in foul/grumpy moods have decided to take it out on me. I'm not ready for their foul mood, I'm getting into one of my own right now. Now, I'm frustrated, grumpy, AND sleepy! Am I in for a good day or what?

Ok, enough griping and complaining. I need to turn this day around. So, let's get on with some good news. I am in the 180's - sure, it's 189, but that's progress, right???? Happy weigh in day for me. And to think I almost didn't weigh because I was so tired! But, I did, and it went well. AND, I'm officially down 80 pounds! WHAT?? 80? It doesn't even feel like 80 lbs gone, but it is! What in the world is 109 lbs down going to feel like? Look like? Will I change my goal when I get there? It will be interesting to see what happens. I'm sure I'll be sharing! Honestly, from today, I'm only 29 lbs away from my goal. Could it really happen before I hit my Surgiversary?? Maybe even by my birthday (April)? That can be exciting!

I'm getting excited about my trip for this weekend. I'm looking forward to seeing friends and getting to catch up a bit. The good thing is that even though this day and week have started out rough, I've got good things to look forward too. Sure, I'm a little anxious and possibly insecure, but I can't wait until it all plays out!